x. Patton v. Windham (w/JESUS)
(CUTTO: The ring, where SIREN is standing with the mic)
SIREN: Annnnnd now…INTRODUCTING hmm-FIRST!
(The arena lights dim; “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC begins to play over the PA as blue and white lights flash at the entrance curtains before becoming a single strobelight. The strobe flashes quickly to keep pace with Angus’ scale notes. The crowd chants along- THUN-DAH! THUN-DAH! THUN-DAH!)
SIREN: FROM GARY, INDIANA! HEEEEEEEEEEE STANDS FIVE FEET! ELEVENNNNN INCHEEEEZZZZZ! HE WEEEEEEIGHS IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY THREE POUNDS!
(She lets the music build up more; the crowd continues to chant. And just like that- BOOM! The chorus kicks in, EDDIE PATTON storms out! He rushes to either side of the railing, dressed in blue wrestling pants with yellow bolts on both sides, plus matching boots and wristbands)
SIREN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOON! or…ELECTRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!
(EDDIE PATTON slides face first under the ring and immediately jumps up a turnbuckle to throw his arms up at the audience)
OBERSTARR: Fresh off his victory over Wanderlust on the last edition of VULGAR, Eddie Patton returns! And by the way, we have a special guest who’ll be staying with us for the duration of the match. Please welcome NLW President, RA Palazzo!
PALAZZO: It’s about time I got my ass down here to watch these guys up close. (laughs) How are ya, Jimmy?
MYLDE: You keep signing my paychecks, I’m doing dandy RA.
PALAZZO: Lemme get this quick announcement out of the way before the match starts…NLW’s struck up a partnership with ESEN, and starting with the next show they’ll be broadcasting Friday Night Vulgar as well as replaying the show on weekends. We’re also looking into another, smaller type show, with details to follow. NLW…Extreme Sports Entertainment Netwrok…you can’t beat it.
OBERSTARR: Unbelievable news, RA…and we’ll be looking forward to any further developments.
MYLDE: Oh, ESEN? That’s nice. I want a raise.
(CUEUP: “La Grange” by ZZ Top)
(Crowd instantly BOOS knowing who’s about to step through the curtains)
OBERSTARR: And man, ‘Electric’ Eddie hasn’t had an easy draw yet…now he’s going up against a man who’s had his fair share of HYPE, if you will, being the nephew of Mark and Troy Windham.
SIREN: AND HIS OPPONENT!
(Booing gets louder as a stocky young man with a dirty blonde mop top walks out of the curtains. Collegiate wrestling headgear hangs from one of his palms as he takes a quick leftward glance at the barbaric city crowd, before stepping forward and ignoring them completely. He’s wearing a wrestling singlet bearing the red and white of the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Wrestling’s in his blood, as he’s the legacy of legends. His name: BOBBY JACK WINDHAM)
SIREN: FROOOOOOOOM SWEETWATER, TEXAS! HE STANDS SIX…FOOT…SIX! WEIGHS IN AT TWO HUNDRED…FIFTY FIIIIIIIVE POUNDS! WITH JESUSSSSSS CHRIST AS HIS WITNESS, HE CARRIES THE WINDHAMMMMMM FAMILY TORCH! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BOBBY! JACK! WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNDHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
(WINDHAM steps over the ropes looking over at PATTON before circling his arms forward and stretching his back against the ropes. He then goes to his corner, kneels…and prays)
PALAZZO: Let me tell you, when I went to see this kid wrestle at Texas Tech, I was f*cking blown away. Not only that, but with the way the economy’s going, and how hard it’s hitting the bigger companies like NFW, and CSWA who haven’t run a show in God knows how long, I saw this as a golden opportunity for us to a snag a kid who might not have come here otherwise.
OBERSTARR: No doubt, he’s a phenomenal talent. His acquisition made quite a bit of news in the wrestling world…
PALAZZO: Oh definitely. Look, we’re a great company, but we’re a new company. He might have felt compelled to follow in his family’s footsteps and start off in a more established place. Now he can start here, and he’s able to grow and improve without all the unneeded pressure, and I’m telling you…it’s guys like him, Impulse, Eddie Patton right there, who are gonna help put this place on the map, you watch. We’re not going f*cking anywhere.
OBERSTARR: They lock up and right away, Windham displaying that big man strength he possesses, forcing Patton to the corner. The referee backs him away, but not before a LOUD slap to the chest of Eddie Patton! Ohhh man, they heard that in the rafters, Jimmy!
MYLDE: He’s toying with him; it’s gonna be like a man playing with a child…except nobody gets arrested nor put on the federal watchlist.
OBERSTARR: A regular occurrence in your neighborhood? Eddie ducks under the lockup and ties up Windham’s leg. Windham, hopping on one foot, perhaps not light-footed enough to pull off the kick. Patton…sweeps the other leg, locking him up for the Cloverleaf now! Patton struggling…and Windham pushes him off!
MYLDE: It’s the power deficit, Oberstarr, and Patton might not be able to solve it.
OBERSTARR: Patton swarms Windham for the double underhooks…both men struggling! Windham won’t let himself get DDT’d, but here’s Patton with the tilt-a-whirl rollup! ONE…TWO…NO! Windham’s right up, waistlocks Patton and DRIVES HIM to the ground!
PALAZZO: That’s the collegiate wrestling pedigree right there.
OBERSTARR: Windham immediately moves to the shoulderlock…Patton scrambling. Patton kicks up to his feet, and reverses to an armlock. STANDING SPINNING HEEL KICK!
(WINDHAM checks his lip for blood and looks up at PATTON, annoyed)
PALAZZO: Exactly why you can’t discount Patton. As much as we’re hyping up Windham, let’s not forget this is the guy who beat Wanderlust who was HEAVILY favored.
OBERSTARR: PATTON TRIES FOR THE BACKWARDS ROLLING KNEEBAR, AND MISSES! Windham IMMEDIATELY with kicks to the head of Patton! Drops a knee, followed by some punches. Patton is getting HAMMERED for his mistake!
MYLDE: It’s like a bear swatting a camper who stepped out of his element.
OBERSTARR: Windham with some more stomps, and now he has…well, he’s got him for what looks like a suplex, but Patton’s on the ground…? No wait…HERE WE GO! DEADLIFT SUPLEX! WOW! That’s 225 pounds lifted straight from the ground…pure power!
PALAZZO: (clapping) GREAT move, that’s what I like to see! Alright, don’t look at me, look at him (talking to Windham). He’s not dead; get at it!
OBERSTARR: Windham sends Patton off the ropes, and meets him with a BIG knee to the midsection! Forearm to the back! He’s just BEATING Patton down! And maybe, this time, ‘Electric’ Eddie Patton’s taken on more than he can handle in the young Windham?
MYLDE: Ya think? Come on, it took you this long to figure out what I knew since last week when they announced this match.
(WINDHAM points to PATTON, then pretends to flick something off his shoulder before pushing Patton’s head down with his boot. Crowd BOOS!)
OBERSTARR: Windham taunting the crowd and his opponent; if there’s one thing he’s not short on, it’s confidence. He sends off the ropes again…SIDEWINDER SLAM! Hooks the leg…TWO...AAAND Patton gets the shoulder up. Windham protesting the count, but he’s got Patton right back up again, this time sending him into the corner. Patton leaps the turnbuckle though, onto the apron, and now he drops to the outside.
PALAZZO: Eddie’s looking frustrated; obviously the game plan isn’t working.
MYLDE: I’ve got a game plan for Eddie Patton: take the boots, hang ‘em back up in the locker room, work out a severance package with the brass, and RETIRE. Go work at the indy record store- LIKE THE GARBAGE YOU ARE! I hope he heard me.
(WINDHAM sits on the second rope, inviting PATTON back into the ring)
OBERSTARR: Look at this, Patton takes off around the ring- Windham’s trying to track him. He slides in quick, Windham misses the kick, and now Eddie’s got him in a waistlock!
PALAZZO: Going power for power with Bobby Jack isn’t the smartest decision.
OBERSTARR: No, he pushes him forward and follows with a dropkick to the turnbuckles! He grabs the head…DOUBLE KNEE FACEBREAKER! Patton has Windham down! Look out! SECOND ROPE MOONSAULT AND THE PIN! ONE! TWO! NO! Patton comes right off the ropes and slide kicks Windham; there’s that electric offense Patton’s known for!
(CROWD: EDD-IE! EDD-IE! EDD-IE!)
MYLDE: Shut these animals up! It’s a fluke, I tell ya, A FLUKE!
OBERSTARR: Patton has the double underhooks, but no! Windham powers him backwards over the ropes! Patton’s on the apron, but Windham doesn’t see him!
(WINDHAM points at himself with double-thumbs; he thinks the cheering is for him, but Eddie’s right behind)
OBERSTARR: Eddie…springs off the ropes! FLYING BULLDOG! ANOTHER PIN! TWO…BUT WINDHAM PRESSES HIM OFF! Patton gets right back up, and off the ropes…AND HE SLIDEKICKS WINDHAM’S SKULL! Patton doing whatever he can to keep Windham down, and now he’s up the turnbuckles!
PALAZZO: This pace Eddie Patton keeps, it’s just non-stop high octane, and especially for a bigger guy it’s so hard to deal with.
OBERSTARR: Look out! Patton from up above!
(WINDHAM lunges over to HIT THE ROPES, causing PATTON to land on his groin!)
OBERSTARR: NO! WINDHAM SHOOK HIM DOWN! AND NOW HE’S UP, SLOWLY BUT HE’S UP!
MYLDE: See that? Power trumps speed, gentleman; always! Like when I’m with my wife, for instance: if I fire on all cylinders, she’ll need Medicaid by the time I’m done. But believe it when I tell ya, a healthy dose of concentrated power always does the trick…and I’ve got the power to fill their lunch hour, baby!
PALAZZO: Enough, Jimmy. I didn’t hire you to creep out the audience…
OBERSTARR: Windham’s got Patton hooked from the top…HERE WE GO! SUPERPLEX!
(SFX: BOOM!)
OBERSTARR: … … The ring just SHOOK on impact! Windham rolls back for the cover! ONE! TWOOO! THR-NO! NOT THREE! MATCH CONTINUES! And Bobby Jack Windham can’t believe it…
MYLDE: I can’t believe it either…can’t believe we’ve hired a bunch of referees who are slower than friggin’ Down’s Syndrome.
OBERSTARR: Bobby Jack is FURIOUS with the call, and now he’s dragging Patton to the corner!
(WINDHAM hooks PATTON’s legs under the top turnbuckle, also known as the TREE OF WOE)
OBERSTARR: Not good! Patton’s hooked and suspended with his back to the turnbuckle…a BRUTAL position if any of you are at all familiar with it.
PALAZZO: I’ve seen guys get their careers ended being hung like this. You do NOT want a man of Windham’s size hanging you in the tree of woe.
OBERSTARR: Hold on, what the HELL is going on here?! Windham’s asking for…for a…A MICROPHONE? Tell me he’s joking…
MYLDE: Does the man look like he’s joking, Oberstarr? Please, somebody, anybody…get him a mic!
(The timekeeper tosses a mic to WINDHAM as he leans a kick into EDDIE PATTON. Boos begin to ring through the audience)
WINDHAM: Y’hear that Eddie Patton? (STOMP!) Salvation’s at hand… (ANOTHER!) These people…their booing ain’t gonna save you… (AND ANOTHER!) …from th’ beating ahm ‘bout ta lay… (STOMP, STOMP, STOMP!) …on ya! (STOMP!)
(He stops the punishment momentarily to survey the crowd)
OBERSTARR: This is SICK! Somebody get him the hell out of there- this match is OVER! It’s OVER damn it!
(The BOOS ring out as WINDHAM pauses and sighs…turns around and delivers a BIG STOMP to the face of EDDIE PATTON!)
WINDHAM: Dear Jesus… (STOMP!) …please forgive Edward Patton… (STOMP!) …for he knows NOT-(STOMP)-WHAT-(STOMP)-HE-(STOMP)-DOES! (STOMP-STOMP-STOMP!) He musta forgot just who he was dealing with… (Holds foot against Patton’s throat) …he was dealing with a WINDHAM! A God-fearing, All-American, son of a DYNASTY! And this man, Lord…(laying his boot DEEP into Patton’s throat now)… he thought he could come out here in frunna all these mult’ah-cultural plague-bearing sodomites, (BOOS!) living in sin here in th’Armpit of America, where they call you DEAD n’ other such blasphemies… (STOMP-STOMP-STOMP!) …n’ take me for granted… (STOMP!)
OBERSTARR: He’s opened up! Patton’s bleeding! If he’s gonna pin him, then he should pin him! But this…this is insane! STOP THE MATCH!
WINDHAM: …but ah KNOW you’re alive, God, and ah know you’re listenin’…even if Eddie don’t know that… (STOMP!) … so ah’m askin’ you, dear Lord, ta please do what ah cayn’t find it in mah heart ta do… (STOMP!) …n’ that’s look after Eddie Patton. Look after him in this life, Lord… (STOMP!) …as he surely won’t meet you in th’ next… (STOMP!) Amen.
(Just then, a fan JUMPS THE RAILING, climbs into the ring after Bobby Jack, only to be met with a lunging BOOT TO THE FACE! Security quickly grabs the man after he rolls out of the ring. The BOOING continues!)
OBERSTARR: A FAN just ran in there and got his clock cleaned by Windham! And it’s hard to imagine a scenario where Patton pulls of the upset!
PALAZZO: Hey, if you get past our security into the ring, you take your life in your own hands.
MYLDE: Security should have kept Eddie Patton out as well, ‘cause he’s about to be put into a coma.
OBERSTARR: Windham backs up…and this might end badly for Patton…here he comes! DROPKICK TO THE MIDSECTIN! PATTON FALLS! WINDHAM COVERS FOR ONE…TWOOOO…HE GOT- NO! HE DIDN’T GET HIM! PATTON REFUSES DEFEAT!
MYLDE: Lay down, kid! It’s over! You wanna walk out of this arena, don’t you?
OBERSTARR: Bobby Jack Windham is floored! What does he have to do to put Patton away? Now he has him up for what looks like…well, he calls it the West Texan Stampede, known to some as the Oklahoma Stampede…
MYLDE: I spoke to Bobby Jack earlier, and he had a message for you: TO HELL WITH OKLAHOMA.
OBERSTARR: Is that a direct quote? HERE WE GO! NO! PATTON FALLS BEHIND HIM! SMALL PACKAGE! ONE! TWO! THREE! NO! DID HE GET HIM? NO! What an upset that would’ve been! Here comes Windham, misses with the clothesline…CATCHES Patton’s superkick! He waves the ‘no’ finger at Patton, but Patton spins around with the mule kick! Right to Windham’s jaw!
PALAZZO: Man, if Patton can pull this off, it’ll really be something. The guy was literally DEAD a minute ago.
OBERSTARR: Irish whip from Patton, reversed! Windham misses a BIG clothesline, and here’s the Hurricanrana! ONE! TWO! EDDIE PATTTTOOOOON- NO! NO! WINDHAM GOT THE SHOULDER UP!
MYLDE: Windhams aren’t susceptible to bullcrap moves like Hurricanranas and small packages!
OBERSTARR: Patton quickly off the ropes…
(SFX: SMACK! “OOOOOOH!”)
OBERSTARR: MY GOD! SWEETWATER DREAMS! SWEETWATER DREAMS! PATTON WAS ABSOLUTELY DECAPITATED BY THAT CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!
MYLDE: OK, now he’s dead…
OBERSTARR: Windham lays back for the pin! ONE! TWOOO! THREE! IT’S OVER!
(SFX: Bell rings)
(CUEUP: “La Grange” by ZZ Top)
SIREN: HERE IS YOUR WINNNNEEEERRRR! BOBBYYYYYYYYY JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINDHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
OBERSTARR: And really, if Patton had got the shoulder up, I’m not sure what else Windham could’ve done to score the pinfall…he threw EVERYTHING at Eddie Patton!
PALAZZO: Two guys you didn’t know about three months ago, and they’re becoming stars before our eyes here in New York City. I’m extremely proud of both guys for giving us a pay-per-view caliber match on free TV, and they’re the reason I’m so excited about this product. F*cking unbelievable…
MYLDE: Now when you say you’re proud of both, you really mean Bobby Jack, don’t you?
PALAZZO: Look, the kid is cocky, no doubt about it, but if he can keep backing it up like this, he can say a f*ckin’ Hail Mary before and after every match, I don’t give a sh*t.
OBERSTARR: RA Palazzo, it was a pleasure having you.
PALAZZO: Likewise, boys. I’ll see you around...
MYLDE: Alright, bon voyage, pay day’s Friday…see you never.
OBERSTARR: Back after this…
(CUTTO: STATIC)