CUE UP: A haunting guitar riff that is INSTANTLY recognizable.
FADE IN:
Undisputed New Era Champion and undefeated LoC Champion, SHAWN JESSICA HART, PhD. drops from the rafters a la Steve Borden and lands center-stage at a faux rock concert with hundreds of faux fans cheering the spectacle. Without letting so much as a beat pass and with the guitars wailing in the background, Hart pounces upon the microphone and breaks into song.
SJH: "A gath-er-ing... of aaaaaaan-gels... appeared above my head!"
Killer pelvis thrust.
SJH: "They sang to me this song of hope... and this is what they saaaaaaid..."
He proudly taps the title belts strapped across his waist.
SJH:"They saaaid COME SAIL AWAY... COOOOOOOME SAIL AWAY... COME SAAAAAAAAAIL AWAY WITH MEEEEEEE!!!"
He turns his head away from the microphone for a breath. Meanwhile, Hart's kid sister, twice removed steps from the shadows and picks up the tune.
FELICIA: "Come sail awaaaaaaaay... COME SAIL AWAY, COME SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIL AWAY WITH HIM!!"
SJH: "YEAAAAAAHH!!"
Suddenly, Tiny appears behind a microphone.
TINY: "Cumsoon-a-nay!! CUM-SOOOOOOOON ANAY... CUMSOOOON ANAY NOO NEE!!"
The three converge upon the lead mic.
SJH and Co.: "COME SAIL AWAY!! COME SAIL AWAY, COME SAAAAAAIL AWAY WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
The music trails off into some trippy, avant-garde, 70's wack-fest, before slowly fading into near-silence. Wit the faux fans still on their feet, however, and his cohorts giving him a hero's welcome, SJH steps back to the microphone and breaks into spontaneous solilique.
SJH: "Thank you! Thank you!"
He takes a deep breath, gives a quick wave to his admirers, then yanks the microphone off of its stand and brings it to his cherry-red lips.
SJH: "And WEEEEEEEEEEEEELCOME to the celebration of my CORONATION not ooooooonly as LoC Champion... NOT ONLY as the now single, sole, and UNDISPUTED Champion of NEW...."
Dramatic pause... followed by another deep breath.
SJH: "But as the Chaaaaaaaaampion of aaaaaaaaall EARTH!!!"
He raises his hands victoriously and is met with a thunderous roar of applause from his fake fans.
SJH: "Indeed, it is a time to celebrate... and celebrate we most certainly will, but before the madness, the MAYHEM, and the MAD monkey sex with MANY anonymous partners without wearing protection can officially commence, I have THIS to say for those who have suffered the GRAVE misfortune of being booked to face yours truly in his very FIRST match since staking his claim as the most DECORATED athlete and entertainer in this business..."
More dramatic pausing and posturing, until finally SJH returns the microphone to his lips with a look of grit and determination in his eyes.
SJH: "PETER FILE.... MR. E.... your ASSES are GRASSES and I'M the Mexican Landscaper!!!!"
DEAFENING APPLAUSE!
SJH: "At Raucous, I plan to show the WORLD just why it is that I'm the TOP COP in not one, but TWO separate promotions, by taking you two, beating you so mercilessly your ex-step-brother's DOGS will feel it... then going on to post the most EPIC and miraculous streak of winning matches this sport has EVER seen!
Call it an OUTRAGE, call it a MOCKERY, I call it the TRUTH!!! And when you're talkin' about me, the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister, the KING of Swing, the PHENOM in the FLESH.... the truth HURTS!!"
He chuckles to himself.
SJH: "But enough talk about people whose names really aren't even worth uttering.... LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!"
SJH raises his hands victoriously and in unison with a loud burst of pyro around the stage! Just then, several rather large and seemingly semi-nude black women rush the stage. Make no mistake about it, SJH is back on top in WFW and the New Era.
