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Elevator Music



[updated:LAST EDITED ON Aug-13-03 AT 08:21 AM (EST)]OORP: Just A little something David Zander (Nemesis) and myself felt like spoofing on. My props to Zander who first approached me with this idea and who I feel is an incredibly talented rper with great potential. Now that that's out of the way, we present to you, born out of idle time and boredom.....

"ELEVATOR MUSIC": A Lebron/Zander collaboration…..


A nearly empty GLCW building where we see two security guards on duty. One is half asleep; the other one is out cold. The slightly conscious one glances at one of the many security monitors on his desk which shows us the second floor elevator bank. Standing in front of that elevator is none other than the GLCW Heavyweight Champion, Maelstrom. As the doors open he enters the elevator, dragging the GLCW title in tow behind him. Immediately the guard flicks a switch and we are instantly viewing a black and white feed via a hidden camera inside the elevator itself. He flicks a second switch and we start hearing elevator music playing. As the doors are about to close, we see a hand reach in from outside the elevator and pull them apart. As the doors appear to resist a loud clanging noise is heard. It’s at this point that we see Nemesis squeeze through the doors, and when he finally gets in, the doors quickly close behind him, slamming shut very loudly. Maelstrom glares at Nemesis who in turn just smiles back.)

NEMESIS: What's the big deal? We'll be downstairs in no ti-"

(The elevator suddenly shudders and stops in mid descent. The guard, with an amused look on his face, watches his security monitor with more interest now as Nemesis is seen through the hidden camera pushing buttons frantically. The security guard then rouses the one that’s asleep and turns up the volume even more)

NEMESIS: Oh come on, you've got to be kidding me... HELLO?

(Nemesis proceeds to push and pull the big red button on the panel.)

NEMESIS: HELLO!? Aw come on! I've gotta be at the station in (checks watch) half an hour...

(Nemesis tugs harder and pulls the red button and it comes right off in his hand. It’s at that moment that we hear in the background, the security guards speaking…..)

GUARD 1: Hey, don’t you think we should get help?

GUARD 2: Hold on, this is getting pretty good…..

GUARD 1: But they’re trapped in the elevator… the damn thing has been acting up all week.

GUARD 2: Big deal, it gets stuck for a few minutes and then moves on to the lobby. It’s no big thing. I mean it’s not like there are fifteen or so floors here… there are only TWO floors in this building!

(Our view then switches back to the black and white view inside the elevator)

NEMESIS: (staring at the button in his hand as Maelstrom continues to glare, shaking his head in disbelief) Isn't this red button supposed to do something!?

MAELSTROM: It’s not doin’ much now that it's in yer hand.

NEMESIS: So what do you suggest we do now, big guy?

MAELSTROM: I suggest you step off my title.

(Realizing that his foot is standing on top of the strap of the GLCW belt, Nemesis gives a sheepish grin and moves over to the opposite side of the elevator)

NEMESIS: You shouldn't just drag that around on the ground everywhere you go.

MAELSTROM: How ‘bout if I drag YOU ‘round ‘stead?

NEMESIS: No no... that's quite all right. There’s not enough room in here for much dragging anyway…

MAELSTROM: For yer sake you had better... ughh.... you had better...

(Maelstrom begins clutching at his stomach a bit)

NEMESIS: I'd better what? And what's wrong with you? Is it gas? I had the worse case of gas earlier this week...

MAELSTROM: Ya had better figure out a way to get this sh*t runnin’ !

NEMESIS: What? It's not like I did this!

(Suddenly a loud farting noise is heard, and immediately Maelstrom gives a comical sigh of relief)

NEMESIS: It IS gas... I knew it!

(Maelstrom stops smiling and takes a step toward Nemesis)

MAELSTROM: Ya find that funny eh?!

(Nemesis, looking terrified)

NEMESIS: Well (gulps noticeably) Yes! (smiles)

MAELSTROM: I'd like to see how funny ya’d think it is with my foot up yer A$$!

NEMESIS: Perhaps we better try to reverse that scenario, help you put a cork in it, ya know?

(Maelstrom drops the belt and takes another step forward until he’s towering directly in front of Nemesis, pinning him up against the elevator wall….)

CUT BRIEFLY TO: The two guards who are looking on excitedly)

GUARD #1: Holy SH*T! Maely’s gonna pound on Nemesis and he has no where to run!

GUARD #2: Yeah right, Maelstrom may have all the brawn, but Nemesis has the brains…

(The first guard looks at the second in shock.)

GUARD #1: You know, you’re right. And we’re about to see those brains splattered on the inside of that elevator…

(The second guard looks back as though he has a comeback, and then realizing how wrong he was, glances back down at the monitor.)

GUARD #1: Get him Maely!

(CUT BACK TO: the black and white action in the elevator)

NEMESIS: Hey! Hey! Why don't we try using that title to get us out of here? It's pretty sturdy, proven by your poor treatment of it. Try to pry them doors open or something, rather than wasting your energies breaking this thing down even more by throwing me around.

(Maelstrom glares at him then at the title on the floor but says nothing. After a few tense moments he just steps back and allows Nemesis to try it. Nemesis struggles noticeably as he tries to pry the doors open with the edge of the title)

NEMESIS: Yeah, let's let the smaller of us try this out. Come over here ya big lug and give this a shot.

MAELSTROM: Just try an’ pry it in there enough so I can get a grip on the doors enough to force ‘em open.

(Nemesis still struggling with the doors, props them open just enough for Maelstrom to get his huge paws in, at which point Nemesis gives out a yelp as he rips a nail and immediately lets the title drop to the floor, letting the doors slam shut on Maelstrom’s fingers)

NEMESIS: Oh, MAN that smarts! (Tending to his torn fingernail)

MAELSTROM: Ya lil’ PIZZLE! I'll show you what’s gonna smart!

(Maelstrom starts bouncing Nemesis off the elevator walls but stops in mid attack because his stomach acts up again. He lets out a loud groan and sits down, clutching his stomach)

NEMESIS: Man... I don't think that's just gas!

MAELSTROM: Ya just better hope that those doors open before I decide to let loose in here, cuz I'll be using YOU as toilet paper!

NEMESIS: Aw man... you're KIDDING me... you DO NOT need to pinch one NOW!?

(CUT BRIEFLY TO:….. the guards)

GUARD #2: Isn’t that a b*tch! Here I was thinking that Nemesis would be sh*tting in his pants and it’s gonna be Maelstrom!

GUARD #1: All right, so maybe we’ll be getting the custodial crew to clean up sh*t instead of brains…

(CUT BACK TO: our black and white scene in the elevator)

MAELSTROM: Ya just had to grab THIS elevator huh? Ya couldn’t go F*CK up another elevator?

NEMESIS: I didn't do ANYTHING! That thing with the doors has NOTHING to do with this. They're completely separate mechanisms...

(Maelstrom groans, then after a few moments, he passes some more gas just as the waves of cramps seem to pass and he sighs heavily)

NEMESIS: Yeah, just get it out... that should help you... (notices the smell) Ah damn! What’ve you been eating, dumpster ala mode?!

MAELSTROM: Ahhh, that’s a lot better. Hopefully the elevator will open up before it comes full circle again.

NEMESIS: Speaking of circles, we did always seem to run in the same circles didn’t we?

MAELSTROM: The only circle I remember concerning you was the one ya ran AFTER ya pulled that cowardly stunt back in the WWL! An’ now here ya are... locked in here with me! (glares menacingly)

NEMESIS: (changing the subject) Hey, remember WAR?

MAELSTROM: Now why would I WANT to remember War?

NEMESIS: I dunno... good point. I can’t believe I ran all the way down that hall to catch this elevator… this building only has TWO floors! (Looks at his watch) And NOW I’m gonna be late for that appearance… this is great! I should’ve just taken the stairs but NO! I gotta run to get the BROKEN elevator… and just in time too. Hey... what was that noise?

(A groaning noise cries out right before a snapping sound is heard coming from the roof of the elevator)


(CRRAAAASH! The elevator cable apparently snaps and begins a freefall to the basement, which is only a floor and a half down. Immediately, the view on the guard’s monitor goes black as it fills up with dust and debris…….

CUT TO: the security desk where the two guards are)

GUARD #1: I TOLD YOU WE SHOULDA CALLED FOR HELP! Now look at what happened!

GUARD #2: Relax, they only fell one floor down, so how hurt could they be? Besides, if we called right away, we would have missed all of that.

GUARD #1: Yeah that’s true. Anyhow, I think we better call Mr. Malec. He’s going to want to know of this right away.

(In the background, coming from the elevator, we can hear two voices yelling loudly. Amazingly enough in the back ground, we can STILL hear the elevator music playing while one roars obscenities in anger and the other hollers back defiantly….)

MAELSTROM: If you hadn’t busted up this f*ckin' thing squeezing through them doors…...

NEMESIS: Yeah, well if you hadn’t been so jacked up we wouldn’t have exceeded the weight limit you big freak of nature…..

(The arguing continues as the guards continue to “handle” the situation.)

GUARD #2: You better hurry up and call Malec before Maelstrom kills Nemesis!

(The guard begins frantically dialing the phone. As we begin to hear the phone ringing, our view immediately disperses and we find ourselves looking at Scott Malec who shoots up wide eyed from a sleeping position. Lying next to him is Lady V. He looks at her first to make sure he didn’t wake her, then at the phone which is idle. He then reaches over to the clock radio by the night stand, and shuts off the alarm which was the source of the ringing that awoke him. Immediately elevator music begins to play from the radio as he shakes his head and starts muttering…..

SCOTT MALEC: Oh man! What a dream! Can’t believe it’s been a year already since I opened the GLCW….. I’m spending entirely too much time around those lunatics……

(Malec yawns loudly and allows the elevator music from the clock radio to lull him back to sleep as we in turn simply…...



League Member
Jan 1, 2000
Heh...entertaining, if a bit um...off-kilter.

But with all due respect to the parties involved in the creation of the "Elevator Music" bit, because it really was pretty funny...

The replies immediately following it were way funnier. Kudos for the unintentional humor.


League Member
Jan 1, 2000
I'm just glad to be the reason behind all the fun times while we wait to get back on... SHO NUFF!

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