The Jean Rabesque Show
(A black screen)
V/O: “Oh, you had to know it was coming.”
(BAM! CUEUP: A television studio, a large crowd of people who have obviously been paid to be there pack the please, up on their feet cheering wildly)
(On the screen in bright yellow lettering comes the words “THE JEAN RABESQUE SHOW!! The crowd continues to cheer wildly)
CROWD: “GO JEAN! GO JEAN! GO JEAN!!!”
(CUTTO: In on of the aisles, we see Jean Rabesque, dressed in quite possibly the most hideous looking yellow suit you’ve ever seen, and as we see him, Jean Rabesque is doing the running man in the aisle as the crowd continues to scream)
CROWD: “GO JEAN! GO JEAN! GO JEAN!!!”
(Then Rabesque makes a motion across his neck, signaling a ‘cut’ motion, and the crowd is IMMEDIATELY silent and in their seats)
Rabesque: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Jean Rabesque Show!!!”
(Crowd screams, and is then again silenced by Rabesque)
Rabesque: “It has been a long time since this Emmy award winning telecast has hit the airwaves, but we finally feel it’s time. The worst in wrestling is here, and it’s found a home in New ERA, and The Jean Rabesque Show is here to bring you the very worst.!”
(Crowd again goes wild)
“Tonight, we have not one special guest, but two. But these men are so distinguished that it would be of absolutely no justice to bring them out together, so we simply must introduce and interview them individually. Our first guest night has a LONG and STORIED career in the annals of New ERA wrestling. Let’s take a look of the highlights of his long and illustrious career.”
(CUTTO: Nick Savage getting pinned by John Doe)
(CUTTO: Back to Rabesque, who stares at the camera blankly)
Rabesque: “Um.... I thought we were going to show that Nick Savage highlight package.”
Cameraman (off stage): “Um...... that’s it.”
Rabesque: “WHAT? You’re telling me that one match is the entire highlight package?”
CM: “Well, you know the past, he’s had only one match, and he LOST to John Doe. What do you want us to do?”
Rabesque: “Ah, hell! Well, what the hell, might as well bring him out, ladies and gentlemen, ‘THE VIOLATOR’ NICK SAVAGE!!”
(The crowd boos loudly, as KEN SHAMROCK appears on The Jean Rabesque Show!! He comes out, looking quite mean and intense, CUTTO: Rabesque, who is CRACKING UP at this site)
Rabesque: “Ladies and gentlemen, KEN SHAMROCK!!”
“Savage”: “What are you talking about?? I’M NICK SAVAGE!”
Rabesque: “Uh huh, sure you are Nick. How the hell much did we pay you for this Ken? (to offstage) How did we get Ken Shamrock?”
“Savage”: I’m not Ken Shamrock! I’m ‘The Violator’ Nick Savage, and I’m coming to take you out Rabesque. Granted that I am TOTALLY unqualified for this, but it doesn’t matter. You’re going down Rabesque!!”
Rabesque (dazed look on his face): “So, what exactly is your justification for this? What are your qualifications?”
“Savage”: “I WON A MATCH ONCE!!”
Rabesque: “You won.... a match..... once?”
“Savage:” Yeah, that’s right, and that fool had no idea what had hit him. I busted out my killer shoot fighting moves on him!”
Rabesque: “Ah yes, that’s right, your shoot fighting career. So what shoot fighting leagues did you fight in, especially the ones that led you to be shoot fighter of the year?”
“Savage”: “Um.... well, they were over in Japan.”
Rabesque: “Which ones?”
“Savage”: “You know, a big one!”
Rabesque: “That’s what I thought Nick, you never fought anyone, did you?”
“Savage”: “Well, no, but I’ve more than made up for it with all the leagues that I’ve conquered in my professional wrestling career.”
Rabesque: “Really? You did list out a bunch of leagues. Where you have you wrestled again?
“Savage”: “Well, I was a dominator in the HFGH, the YENBC, the POOIR, and let’s definitely not forgot about the RJUGFVNM!!!
Rabesque: “The what???”
“Savage”: Yeah, you know, the RJUGFVNM!!!! I owned that place! That PROVES that I have experience! That PROVES that I’m going to whip your ass!! I don’t care if my nickname SCREAMS of gay pedophilia, I am ‘THE VIOLATOR!!”
Rabesque: “Well, you stole my next line, I was always curious as to why you and Peter File weren’t better friends. I most distinctly noticed the similarities!”
“Savage”: “And what’s more, I WAS ON THE CHAPPELLE SHOW!”
Rabesque: “NO YOU WEREN’T!”
“Savage”: “Yeah I was, I’m a big time star, don’t you know that? I was on the show!”
Rabesque: “You’re full of crap, and you know how I know that? BECAUSE I’M JEAN RABESQUE B!TCH!”
CROWD: “OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
Rabesque: “Yeah, that’s right, so you shut your mouth, before I b!tch slap your ass back into The Union and let you carry a 2x4 again.”
(Rabesque pauses for a moment and fixes his hideous tie, and then resumes)
Rabesque: “Our second guest tonight not only sets new standards for over self-importance, but also for bad grammar, and as I learned last Raucous, BAD BREATH! Please welcome, JOHN DOE!!!”
(Crowd boos again as a guy comes stumbling out in a straight jacket, looking to find his seat next to “Savage”)
Rabesque: “Welcome to the show Johnnie.”
“Doe”: Yuo knwo Jeanie, it’s the biggest nghit of our carreers, and I’m the best fightr youve ever seen before, and I no that you’re in for the fghti of your life tongiht! I’m the best oponent you’ve ever seen. Can you smell it Jeanie? Can you smel it in the air? The anticipation, as we face in the mpst hight;y anticipated mathc youve eveb been in.”
Rabesque: “Um....what the hell did you just say, I’m not sure if I’m speaking the same language you are? Can you try that again?”
“Doe”: Youre going to get beat Jeanie, and I’m going to enjoy it? Why Jeanie, because I don’t like you veyr much. I hate everything about you. I despise everything that you do. I knopw I don’t have any kind of wrestlingh ability, but it doesnt matter either. Because Im not anyone, I’m John Doe!”
Rabesque: “Yeah, unfortunately, we know exactly who you are. This is all because of your childhood, isn’t it John?”
“Doe”: “Well, actually my childhood was pretty normal, I grew up in a...... um..... I mean.... I DON’T REMEMBER MY CHILDHOOD! I HAVE AMNESIA!”
Rabesque: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure you do. So what is your strategy for this match going to be Johnnie?”
“Doe”: “I’m going to showcase the brand new wrestling style this week that I learned! It’s part Ju jitsu, part Sweating to the Oldies. I calling it “Jitsing to the Oldies!”
(CUEUP: “Twist and Shout” by The Beatles. “Doe” begins to do some kind of martial arts dance around the stage, Rabesque simply blankly stares, the crowd boos quite loudly)
“Doe”: “That is how I am going to beat you. Plus, YOU’RE SCARED! You haven’t promoed in like....SIX MONTHS! THAT’S SO FUNNY! I also like to laugh at my own jokes that aren’t really funny at all. Like the one about the mothballs! It might have been the stupidest saying ever, but it cracks me up!”
Rabesque: “Um... John, I cut a promo about 48 hours ago.”
“Doe’: “It doesn’t matter! I’m John Doe and I hate you!!!”
Rabesque: “So, who doesn’t? What’s your point?”
“Doe”: “But you care about me the most?!”
Rabesque: “Um, no I don’t”
“Doe”: “But I’m the best opponent you’ve ever had!”
Rabesque: “Um.... no you’re not.”
“Doe”: “But I’m John Doe!!”
Rabesque: “Unfortunately.”
“Doe”: “AND I DO NOTHING BUT REPEAT MYSELF ALL THE TIME!”
Rabesque: “Yeah, for once, you’re right.”
(Just then “Nick Savage” reappears)
“Savage”: “You better shut up boy! I’m Nick Savage and I will VIOLATE YOU!”
“Doe’: “Yeah, well, I’m John Doe, I take cameras with me into the mental hospital.”
“Savage”: “Well, yeah, but I take them with me in the car!”
“Doe”: “HOSPITAL!”
“Savage’: “CAR!!”
(The crowd goes crazy as the two get into one hellacious slap fight!)
CROWD: “JEAN! JEAN! JEAN! JEAN!”
(Bedlam breaks loose, as the camera comes back to Jean)
Rabesque: “Well, sorry to cut this one a little short, but I don’t think we can take much more of this. I’m going to do what the New ERA censors SHOULD do with the REAL Nick Savage and John Doe, and censor them early. For everyone at The Jean Rabesque Show, GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!”
(CUEUP: The cheesy organ music, Rabesque resumes his running man as the slapfight continues)
CROWD: “GO JEAN! GO JEAN! GO JEAN!”
(Fade out)