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Christmas Lot Brawl: Black v Jorgenson v Doe v JGX v Entertainment

TheOriginalSE

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All RP for the Christmas Lot Brawl between ERIK BLACK, JEFF JORGENSON, JOHN DOE, MR. ENTERTAINMENT, AND JIN GANG XIAO at Unplugged should be done in this folder. Any RP posted outside of the folder will not count.

* This is a Christmas Lot Brawl. This match takes place outside in a "Christmas Tree lot" .. the only ways to win are 1) pin an opponent to eliminate them and / or 2) toss them over the chain link fence outside of the Christmas Tree lot.


The RP deadline is 11:59pm PST on TUESDAY, December 22nd, 2009. Angles should be sent to wfwnewrestling@gmail.com ..

There will be NO RP EXTENSIONS for this show.
 
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John Doe

The Anorexic Ethiopian
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A True Grinch

FADEIN

(A shopping mall, as the camera finds John Doe standing against a wall outside of a Best Buy sucking on a cherry icee. He stands there with a very disgusted look on his face as he looks at all the people passing by excited for the season. Doe, wearing black leather gloves, a set of ear muffs, white scarf, and black winter trench coat looks at the cameras almost like he is ready to wreck them. In the background we can hear Christmas music going about.)

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

DOE: “Tis is the season for me to be jolly. I get to run around a lot full of Christmas trees against four other guys and leap over a chain link fence like an African American on an episode of cops. Joy, joy, f-cking joy.”

Don we now our gay apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Troll the ancient Yule tide carol,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

(We see the camera turn to a line waiting to see Santa, he dons an obvious fake beard on looking all too excited for the children to make their wishes.)

DOE: “Bah, who cares about Christmas anyways, some fat pedophile in a red suit at the mall with the ultimate gift, a woman putting her child on his lap so he can give the kid a little bounce. Yeah, Merry Christmas.”

(Back to John)


See the blazing Yule before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the harp and join the chorus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.


DOE: “People, outside your house singing damn tunes, happy, some woman and her husband stringing popcorn together, and some bratty ten year old opening a gift he didn’t deserve to get while his parents drown themselves in debt to please him”

Follow me in merry measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While I tell of Yule tide treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.


DOE: “F-cking whores, the lot of you that celebrate this crap.”

Fast away the old year passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.


DOE: “What’s my gift? I get to wrestle. Let’s celebrate, lets rejoice, bad enough I am still battered from defeating Chaos, now I get to run around a Christmas tree lot as Erik Black beats Mr. Entertainment to death with a wreath.


Sing we joyous, all together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Heedless of the wind and weather,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.


DOE: “And what do I get for going two cards practically in a row in dangerous conditions. Hell, I can get frost bite, I can catch illness, I can have another hospital visit where I need stitches and staples, and what do I get? Nothing, not even a title shot, none of us do. Nope, we need to beat each other to hell first. Merry f-ck me Christmas, thanks WFW: NEW, THANKS.”

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring
Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop has begun


DOE: “Some bastard outside of a store asking for money, bell ringers are the lowest of the low, some homeless prick in the street with a sign begging for food, tis the season alright.”

(John spits over at the bell ringer that is about five feet from him then delivers the middle finger, classy.)

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square
In the frosty air.


(John looks up at the ceiling)

DOE: “And what the F-CK IS THAT SOUND! Why is this damn music playing? I get to go out and shop for gifts for the family for a stupid holiday about a baby that gets murdered by the Romans in roughly thirty years, congratulations.”

What a bright time, it's the right time
To rock the night away
Jingle bell time is a swell time
To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh


DOE: “Can’t complain, I do get a lot of gifts around this time, money, Christmas bonus, here’s an idea, instead of giving me a paycheck for more money put me in a match with a title, not with some bird flu prick like Jin Gang Xiao. Hell, I think I should get one after leaping off a Home Depot semi-truck! Nope, have to go through another break my body match. Argh.”

Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet
Jingle around the clock
Mix and a-mingle in the jingling feet


DOE: “I don’t even know if he is Chinese. But who cares! I have been put on a match that was practically pulled from a bingo machine. Here you go WFW: NEW fans, bottoms up.”

That's the jingle bell,
That's the jingle bell,
That's the jingle bell rock.


DOE: “And to top it all off, people call you on the phone and ask you to make a donation for a soup kitchen. Yeah, okay, go to hell. The only donation I am giving out is pain for these guys in this match that I somehow ended up with. Half these guys I have heard of in passing, it’s like Santa is sending his elves to wrestle a match against me because I refused a lump of coal.”

Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.


(Camera pans right to a group of Marines in full BDU collecting for Toys for Tots)

DOE: “Bah, not to mention you got some ass-bag Marine’s asking you to give toys to some tots. Yes let’s let those welfare sucking lazy Americans depend on the assholes who like to randomly attack countries give their kids some gifts. It’s like Obama trying to clean up his public image, screw the kids, be greedy, who cares?!”

(We hear the camera man sigh is disbelief as the camera goes back to John)

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
And I brought some corn for popping;


DOE: "Under privileged kids, I am under privileged and not appreciated apparently!"

The lights are turned way down low,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.


DOE: “I surely don’t care. By the way, remember I stated it would be cold outside; we are going to Nebraska, NEBRASKA! Who is the idiot who thought about booking a match outside? F-ck that.”

When we finally say good night,
How I'll hate going out in the storm;
But if you really hold me tight,
All the way home I'll be warm.


DOE: “I don’t have time for this crap; just let me wrestle Cruise, NOW. He isn’t doing anything, he is at home beating off to football, doing jack crap.

The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still good-bye-ing,
But as long as you love me so.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.


DOE: “But that’s okay, I understand, I need to work to the top in order to fight, Cruise. Fine. So be it, I will just kill everyone with a god forsaken pinecone.”

FADEOUT.
 
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RStrawsma

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You can't smoke a Christmas Tree

(Generic newscast clip music plays over a highlight reel of b-roll footage, cutting from tornados touching down to sky-pilot shots of buildings on fire.)

Announcer V/O
Coming to you live from the WNEB studio in downtown Omaha... this is PREMIER ACTION NEWS!

(A poorly animated SFX explosion gives way to a colorful title splash, which quickly wipes away as the soundstage is lit up. Sitting behind a desk is a man who is more orange than a carrot and a woman with a hairstyle that looks like it came from '92. They greet the viewers at home with typical newscasters smiles -- fake and plastic, with teeth as white as cotton.)

Anchor Mack Halloway
Welcome to tonight's edition of Premier Action News, Omaha. I'm Mack Halloway.

Co-Anchor Raquel McSchwartzolski
And I'm Raquel McSchwartzolski.

Anchor Mack Halloway
On tonight's show... we get an inside look at the police efforts to stop drug trafficking in suburbia.

Co-Anchor Raquel McSchwartzolski
But first... an emotional report on a bizarre occurrence that happened right here in the city of Omaha.

(A graphic fades in out of space as the camera focuses in on the co-anchor with the offensively voluminous feathered hair. The image shows a Christmas tree apparently obstructed by police tape. The caption reads "Ho- Ho-HELP!")

Co-Anchor Raquel McSchwartzolski
Earlier today, mall shoppers and their children were horrified as a seemingly deranged man caused a scene at the Santa Claus exhibit. Sal Mobotomonopolis was there with the story...

(Half a second of dead air as Raquel McSchwartzolski's blank stare freezes up like a deer in headlights... then we cut to the taped segment. We get some b-roll of security guards patrolling the area, conferring among each other, speaking into walkie-talkies... parents trying to console their bawling, in some cases hysterical, children... and, of course, Santa's "throne" upon the red-carpeted dais where children would come to sit on the seasonal icon's lap and tell him of their innocent desires, roped off by yellow police tape.)

Sal Mobotomonopolis V/O
On any given day this December, children would come here to visit the famous Santa Claus, sit upon the lap of Jolly Saint Nick, and whisper into his ear their what they wanted to see under the Christmas tree on Christmas Day. But today, just a little after three in the afternoon... something went horribly wrong.

(Cut to the testimonial of a soccer mom, on the verge of tears as her daughter seems to be in a state of catatonia.)

Concerned Mother
...I... I don't know what prompted it! All I know is that my daughter was right in the middle of being photographed with Santa Claus, and this CRAZY MAN just starts SCREAMING all of this nonsense...

(Cut to Sal whatever his last name is... a young, sharp-looking reporter with a witty glint in his eye.)

Sal Mobotomonopolis
Sarah Hardy was one of at least two dozen other concerned parents and some twenty-eight innocent children on scene when the alleged "crazy man" approached the mall's Santa Claus exhibit... incoherently and aggressively shouting at the Christmas legend seated upon the throne. When mall security agents attempted to remove the man from the building, he became aggressive, attacking many of the guards and other employees on site acting in the interest of protecting the shoppers and children in the immediate vicinity. Their efforts, however... did nothing to help the situation. I managed to get a word in with Earl Fogherty, head of mall security, to get his side of the story.

(Cut to the head of the security staff in his testimonial. He's an older guy, probably pushing his late fifties... overweight, glasses, white-haired crew cut. Probably a hell of a bowler.)

Head of Mall Security Earl Fogherty
...this man, uh... this unidentified white male we are currently searching for... well, he banged up a few of my boys.

Sal Mobotomonopolis O/C
And could you explain why your security team was unable to restrain just one man?

Head of Mall Security Earl Fogherty
Well, uh... you see, our first attempts of using non-aggressive means of counter-action had, uh... well, they had no effect.

Sal Mobotomonopolis O/C
What about pepper spray? Isn't that standard issue for security guards?

Head of Mall Security Earl Fogherty
Well, uh... as I said, after our non-aggressive means of counter-action had no effect, uh, we uh, we tried resorting to pepper spray, which, yes, uh, is standard issue for my security team. However, uh... this individual, whom we are looking for, uh, apparently was not affected by the spray. We, uh, have reason to believe he was possible under the influence of some, uh... illegal substances.

(Cut back to Sal on the scene.)

Sal Mobotomonopolis
"Illegal substances."

Mr. Fogherty's testimony matches that of many other eyewitnesses on the scene that report that the man acted as though he were intoxicated or under the influence of drugs. But the story only gets worse from here...

(Cut to balding, portly man in a red coat and a big ol's shiner on his left eye and a fake beard hanging off his face.)

Sal Mobotomonopolis O/C
Could you tell our viewers exactly what happened, Mister, uh, Claus?

"Santa Claus"
Yeah, I can tell them what happened. While Santa was up on his seat ready to take the next little boy on his lap, this SON OF A *BLEEP!* comes running up and DROPKICKS ME!

Sal Mobotomonopolis O/C
Uh, sir... could I remind you that there are children watching at home?

"Santa Claus"
Pal, you don't know the day I've had. Along with that whacko knockin' me out earlier, I got MISSUS CLAUS all up my *BLEEP!* over the money these cheap *BLEEP!* won't fork over up front!

(Back to Sal, now in the studio.)

Sal Mobotomonopolis
After his assault on Santa Claus, the unidentified man fled the scene and is still at large by city police. And don't worry, folks... Santa Claus has returned to the North Pole to recover over a nice cup of cocoa made by Mrs. Claus... and to be in good shape for his big night here in just a couple weeks!

(Cut to a shot of the entire desk as Sal looks over to the co-anchors with a smirk. They put up robotic smiles, snickering at the humorous end statement. The camera focuses on Mack Halloway. A graphic pops up next to his head... a sketch artist rendering of the assailant in the mall occurrence. The man is white, bleary-eyed, and sporting a shaggy beard and uncut hair. He looks rather unkempt and homeless.)

Anchor Mack Halloway
Thanks always, Sal. A nice cup of cocoa from Mrs. Claus always puts me right in shape.

More information now on the unidentified assailant... witnesses described him as a white male, between the ages of twenty to thirty, standing approximately five foot eight to five foot eleven inches tall and weighing between 200 to 250 pounds. He has long brown hair, brown eyes, heavily tattooed, and is described as having a vague odor about him. Any information on the whereabouts of this man should be called into our station through the number at the bottom of the screen.

Next up... an inside look at the drug trafficking issue in our suburban streets! But first, these words from our sponsors...

(Fade to commercials, and thank Odin, cause I'm tired of typing those ridiculous names...)

==========================================================

(Supplementary audio recommendation -- "At Giza" by Om.)

(Aurora borealis drifted over the cloud-covered skies as the DRUID marched through the tundra of the icy, barren landscape of OMAHA. Smoking his pipe with ginger wit -- and wholly realizing that the bag of shrooms he ate earlier were finally kicking in -- the ancient keeper of lore and seeker of the magic herb marched out of the forest of towering dark green pines.)

(Their peaks stretched high overhead as he tip-toed around the dark and silent sentinels. Noble plants indeed... but non-smokeable, he daringly realized.)

(As he came toward the citadel, the gateway to the monster's layer came open. No doubt, his infernal Winter magic was expecting the Druid's coming. With a cautious step, the robed and bearded sage crossed the threshold and entered...)

(...and there before him he saw the CLAWED DEMON!! The red and white bastard stood there defiantly GUFFAWING upon his throne. Sadistically cackling at his sides were his damned hellish imps... grinning with malice as they plucked one among the mass of sacrificial lambs gathered around the dais.)

(Puffing a cloud through his nostrils with a defiant flare, the Druid stepped forward.)

The Druid
UNHAND THE RAM, you cretin!

(All at once, the entire world turned to him. The red demon eyes turned to red FIRE!)

The Red Winter King
HOOOHOOOOHOOOOO!!!

The Druid
The time of repentance has COME, foolish Winter King! I have come from the Holy Land to FREE this world of your ICY GRIP!

(Devouring the bleating sheep already placed upon his altar, the Winter King burst to his feet.)

The Red Winter King
Have you gone MAD?!

The Druid
Mad?! HA!! I'm the only person on this planet who is SANE anymore!!

It is YOU who is mad, Winter King! Your hypnotic spell on this planet has led the good people to fall under the sway of YOUR demands! But your evil reign stops NOW, fat man!

The Red Winter King
This is PREPOSTEROUS! Where are my GUARDS!?

(At that moment, the king's towering Robot Sentinels stepped forward to intercept him.)

Robot Guard
Uh... sir, could, uh... you kindly leave the premises?

(Puffing out yet another cloud of smoke from his pipe, the Druid boldly stared the robot in the face, already hatching a plan in his head.)

The Druid
Why, of course, I think I'll --

SPONGE TURTLES CHICKEN NAILS!!

(As planned, the robot guard stalled briefly, its circuits fried by the illogical overload of the statement. The second was all the Druid needed to unleash a masterful double-flipping Hurricanrana, throwing the cyborg into a crowd of others and sending them scattering like bowling pins. The flock of sheep SCREAMED at the joy of their liberation!)

The Red Winter King
OUTRAGEOUS!! STOP HIM!!

(By his command, the impish servants came forward to protect their master... but once again, the demon's subordinates were smote by the Druid's expert maneuverability, destroying an entire throng of the hobgoblins with a spinning front-flipping three-quarter facelock bulldog through a stack of flaming tables that just inexplicably happened to be in the area. Finally, there was nothing left but the fat man himself.)

The Druid
So much for your protection! Now we gotta do this the easy way or the hard way?

(Scowling, the Winter King's famous Claws rose and tore away at his face...)

The Red Winter King
FOOL!! I am not SANTA CLAUS!!

(...and as the fake visage was torn aside, the Winter King's TRUE alien form was revealed! He was indeed hideous! His lies exposed at last, the sheep BLEATED with enthusiasm!)

The Druid
So, you've shown your TRUE form, Winter King! And DANG, dude! Use a Stridex pad, or something!

The Red Winter King
What are you BABBLING about?!

The Druid
I'll tell ya what I'm babbling about: ME kicking YOUR ass!

Okay, Frosty... time for me to whip out my trademark Widowmaker Corkscrew Dropkick Special... so rare, that I had to travel directly into the UNDERWORLD just to ask Mitsuharu Misawa to teach it to me!

HAVE AT YOU!

(With a triumphant guffaw, the Druid spryly LUNGED through the air, shooting fireballs out of his fists and destroying the Winter King's magic protective shield. Then, he unleashed the twirling missile dropkick, landing the blow directly in the Winter King's heart -- his only known weak point -- and banishing the beast back to the realm of destruction!)

The Red Winter King
NO-HO-HOOOOOO!!!

(Triumphant in the wake of battle, and with an endless see of bleating sheep around him, the Druid went to the red devil's treasure trove of illustrious giant jewels. Cackling as a warlord would, he raised one hefty ruby high over his head for all to see.)

The Druid
BOW TO ME, you worthless sheep! I am the Red King of Winter NOW!

(It was at that moment he saw another force of robot guards approaching.)

The Druid
Zounds! I must make HASTE!

(With a swirl of his long robe, the Druid spun around and fled with his plunder...)

==========================================================

("The Druid" Erik Black woke up on a bed of evergreen firs, looking as though he's been snowed on for the past few hours. He shakes the white flakes from his hair and looks around to identify his surroundings.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Oh... wow, man, that was some trip...

...where the hell am I?

(A shadow falls over him. It's Doug, the Tree Vendor... and the guy that sold him that bag of shrooms.)

Doug the Tree Vendor
Dude... you're like, FAMOUS now. I saw you on the news last night.

"The Druid" Erik Black
Whuh...?

Doug the Tree Vendor
Whole city is talking about it! How you just stormed into the mall and did some kung fu to take out Santa Claus, his elves, and a bunch of security guards. Pretty epic shit, man.

(Feeling something prodding his back, Erik sits up briefly and reveals himself to be lying on a crushed cubical Christmas present wrapped in shiny red paper. It looks very similar to the "jewel" he supposedly "dreamed" earlier.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Oh man! Those MUSHROOMS! That dream was REAL!

Doug the Tree Vendor
What were you thinking, man?

"The Druid" Erik Black
I dunno... I thought I was doing the world a favor.

Doug the Tree Vendor
By kicking Santa's fat ass?

(Quite abruptly, Black JUMPED to his feet... staggering for a moment as the blood drained from his brain. He leaned against one of the trees on the lot to maintain his balance and continued on his train of thought...)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Of COURSE! I mean, do you understand the PURPOSE of Christmas these days? It's all about consumerism and self-gratification! People tear open their wallets and throw their hard-earned cash for chintzy junk because COMMERCIALS tell them they just gotta have it all.

So yeah, I KICKED Santa's ass! I exposed him for the FRAUD he really is, and no doubt, traumatized all those kids! But hey, man, it's all a LIE anyway!! I did nothing but show those little bastards just how easily they can be duped by the adult society.

Welcome to the FREE WORLD, kids -- you don't know SHIT!!

Doug the Tree Vendor
But dude, 'tis the season or some junk.

You want to buy a Christmas tree?

"The Druid" Erik Black
What good is a CHRISTMAS tree to me?! You can't SMOKE it!

You want a vintage Crimson Calling t-shirt?

Doug the Tree Vendor
Who the hell are the Crimson Calling?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Nevermind, uh... say, tell you what...

I'll take another bag of those shrooms... but now that I've got the heat on me, you mind if I chill here for a while?

Doug the Tree Vendor
...what in the TREE LOT?! Are you just gonna camp here, or something?

"The Druid" Erik Black
I COULD! I'm telling you, man... there's a possibility that I might have to go seriously John Rambo on the entire town of Omaha. If that's the case, then it's probably in everyone's best interest that I lay low before I start killing cops left and right with my judo...

Doug the Tree Vendor
Dude, are you high?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Extremely. But that's not the POINT...

You in?

Doug the Tree Vendor
...yeah, sure. Just, don't burn down the trees, or something. And make sure my manager doesn't find you.

But you can only stay until next Tuesday.

"The Druid" Erik Black
Why?

Doug the Tree Vendor
Most of the lot has been purchased already. They ship out next Tuesday to the Qwest Center for some big event there.

"The Druid" Erik Black
...perfect.

Doug the Tree Vendor
You know something about it?

"The Druid" Erik Black
I MIGHT! A certain Christmas Tree Lot brawl... FIVE MEN, one goal, with a crucible of Christmas trees to watch them settle it! I am one of those five men... and at Unplugged, under the influence of a heroic strain of dankness, I will vanquish the other four standing in my way, and exit the Evergreen Forest with a shot at Cameron Cruise!

Doug the Tree Vendor
Man, you must be REALLY high, cause I have NO IDEA what you're talking about. What the hell is a Cameron Cruise and where the fudge is Unplugged?

"The Druid" Erik Black
It's a SHOW... happening at the arena.

And Cameron Cruise is a dude. A very bland and pompous dude. But bland and pompous ain't so bad for a TV Champ, compared to what I've got to filter out in this match!

Jeff "Greenhorn" Jorgensen? Don't be deceived by his name... there is NOTHING "green" about this man! And that J in his last name is TOTALLY not silent! A'HYUK!!

Then there's that guy who's name I can't pronounce, so everybody calls him JGX. That guy got plagued by a SERIOUS case of munchies, and now he's HUGE! But can he climb trees? Well, if he can, then I'd like to see him TRY IT! I kicked one fat man's ass in this town, and I aim to do it again!

Mr. Entertainment? Try Mr. Obvious. Entertainment is so zero's.

Doug the Tree Vendor
What the hell are the "zero's"?

"The Druid" Erik Black
You know, two-thousand to two-thousand-nine?

Larry Tact? Welcome to the mid-card. Hope you enjoy your stay, because you'll be here with us for a LONG time.

Then we've got John Doe... you know, the amnesiac who even the rest of the world forgets, must less himself. He'd rather bitch and moan about being put in this kind of match. Me? I don't mind. Yeah, there'll be some scratchy pinecone scraping here and there, and possibly some creative uses with Christmas lights and ornaments... no doubt it will hurt, on the receiving end of that.

Thing is, I'M the one that does drugs... I'M the one that thinks outside the box... and I'M the one walking into this match with the most out-of-this-world ideas that they couldn't POSSIBLY see them coming!

They want to make Seasons Greetings "Seasons Beatings?" Man, I got a Santa sack full of bright little presents that will make you THINK your Jesus, let alone celebrate his death day, all for the low, low price of $40! I'll even throw in a Crimson Calling t-shirt!

Doug the Tree Vendor
I thought he was born on Christmas?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Ah, I can't remember anymore...

Doug the Tree Vendor
Can I go now?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Sure, man. Thanks for the lot.

Doug the Tree Vendor
Just don't do anything stupid. I'll be back later...

(The pipsqueak teenager of Christmas tree salesman leaves the lot, locking the gate behind him. Erik Black finds a spot to sit and meditate at the trunk of a substantially tall evergreen, staying out of the snow as he puffs his pipe into the night.)
 

BatistaFanClub

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(The Youtube Loading Screen Fades and we see Jeff "Greenhorn" Jorgeson bundled up in a heavy coat in the back of his road worn van.)

Jeff: Now, once was one thing. Twice is another.

A Greenhorn can take a bit of a ribbing, he can understand a joke.

But when you make a joke out of how he makes a living, that insults the athlete and his fans. The fans don't want pro wrestling to be a joke, they want to see a contest between athletes. They don't want a brawl in a Christmas tree lot. Who wants to associate violence and Christmas? Christmas is an inherently non violent part of the year. And that is what this match requires.

You cannot have a technical wrestling contest in a lot. You can't entertain the fans, use your athleticism and prove who the best man is. You just look like a joke in a field of jesters.

I can't understand WFW: NE in this case. Do they want to make five wrestlers into something other than wrestlers? We aren't brawlers, we are wrestlers. The fans aren't watching looking for Kimbo Slice youtube videos when they watch us. And even Kimbo Slice did not fight ina Christmas Tree lot, to the best of my knowledge. They are looking for wrestling.

But, I will make the best of it. I am going to make the fans proud they have someone who will bring the dignity of pro wrestling to even a Christmas Lot Brawl.

I am not sure how. I am sure my opponents don't have that same respect, and I am sure it won't be easy. But I will not let the fans down.

Somehow, the Christmas spirit will make things right. Because my career has been a giant gift to me, and I have been feeling the spirit in every match in WFW: NE even if the results haven't always gone my way!

So, it is time to bring that spirit to a Christmas setting. Fans, support me and I will try to not let you down!

(Related Videos...)
 

John Doe

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FADEIN…

John Doe in front of a WFW: NEW Back drop, simple as pie.


DOE: “Am I misunderstanding something here? No, no I am not. The Green Goblin is crying because he can’t technically wrestle in a Christmas Tree lot. Thanks Jeff, thanks for letting us know how versatile you are.”

DOE: “I on the other hand am b-tching because I don’t want to be cold and may suffer frostbite, you are crying because you lack the wrestling know how to transition from a ring to a lot. And you some how are going to win this match how?”

DOE: “I am sure the fans are really proud of you aren’t they, a one dimensional wrestler. Christmas is about to become associated with violence, this match is going to be violent. I guarantee that. If you are looking to play patty cake go hang out with Shawn Hart in the locker room and don’t show up.”

DOE: “Since I am sure you can’t figure out how to use garland to your advantage.”

DOE: “If you think this business is about entertaining those fans. YOU ARE WRONG. The fans don’t’ care if you are more technical than plans for an aircraft, hey want blood, they want injury. It’s worse than Romans at the Coliseum. But you don’t understand that you, you are too naive playing good guy baseline wrestler.”

DOE: “Shove it.”

DOE: “I am a brawler, hell, I enjoy beating the living piss out of another man. Wrestling is just what the sport is called and if you can’t adapt. Then I cannot wait to curb stomp your pathetic ass in that lot"

DOE: “There is not dignity in pro wrestling Jeff. There is no grand scheme or hero, that’s just in fairy tales Prince Charming. And while you assume you are riding in on a white horse to bring dignity to this match by wrestling, I will be bringing brass knuckles and find objects to crush your skull in with.”

DOE: “Try to do a hammer lock when I am beating you in the face with a tire iron.”

DOE: “But hey, you are the best champ, you are in your little world suckered in by your thoughts of being some world class technical wrestler, I don’t give a damn.”

DOE: “I am going to make it look like someone dumped red paint on the snow when I am done with all of you.”

DOE: “That’s a promise.”

FADEOUT.
 

John Doe

The Anorexic Ethiopian
Joined
Feb 2, 2004
Messages
996
Points
0
Age
36
Location
Chicago, IL
Website
www.facebook.com
FADE IN...

Same backdrop


DOE: Maybe you are all too busy sucking on egg nog to get the greater picture, I am getting the shot against Cameron Cruise. So remain silent. I don’t mind. Hell, like I care what you pea brained f-cks think, it doesn’t matter if Christ came from the heavens with three kings and beat me with a manger. I WOULD STILL WIN. Keep that in mind.

FADEOUT
 

RStrawsma

Strawbot
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
1,512
Points
36
Age
40
Location
Indiana
Christmastime... the Evergreen Holocaust

(We're back in the Christmas Tree sales lot, Thursday evening. Shoppers are now SWARMING the nearby mall, undeterred by the recent attack on a Santa Claus impersonator by an unknown man who is still at large. Several couples and families have spilled into the lot, doing some last minute shopping for a special tree to plant in their living room in front of the window.)

(Doug the Tree Vendor -- and part-time dealer of narcotics -- is currently hard at work at his day job, leading a nice young couple through the small forest as he plies his trade, showing them one evergreen after the next. He leads them to a modest looking tree near the back corner.)

Doug the Tree Vendor
This one look good?

Young Wife
Ehh... I don't know. Honey, don't you think it's a little short?

Young Husband
Just a little. You got a great, big tree, or anything?

Doug the Tree Vendor
A big tree? Hmm...

(Doug scans the lot for a sec, and finds one only feet away. With a big salesman grin on his acne-riddled face, he leads them to the newest specimen.)

Doug the Tree Vendor
How about this one here?

Young Husband
Yeah, now THAT'S what I'm talking about! What do you think, babe?

Young Wife
It... looks pretty good. But are you sure the needles won't fall off?

Doug the Tree Vendor
Uh, well... usually if you keep them watered, they'll last you until the end of the season...

(The couple still doesn't quite look sold on the tree. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everybody, the smaller tree that was passed up only moments ago suddenly comes ALIVE... and walks up to the trio.)

Living Christmas Tree
INFIDELS!! DESIST AT ONCE!!

(Abruptly, everybody turns around to see... absolutely nobody. Nothing but a harmless Christmas tree, that couldn't possibly talk on its own. Doug looks exceptionally worried.)

Doug the Tree Vendor
Oh man... this isn't another acid flashback, is it?

(A fir-covered hand emerges from the bristles of evergreen, as if sending a warning to the young couple.)

Living Christmas Tree
The Elder of the Forest is NOT to be sold to the mortal races!

Young Husband
Holy crap, the tree is TALKING!

Doug the Tree Vendor
Oh, you see it, too? Good...

Yeah, uh... that's just Corey Feldman in there, reprising his role from the Gremlins. He needed a paycheck, and it helps with sales.

Young Wife
Who's Corey Feldman?

Living Christmas Tree
"Who's Corey Feldman?!"

What the hell, were you people born in 1990?

Young Husband
Yeah, actually...

(Angrily, the walking, talking tree points to the exit.)

Living Christmas Tree
BEGONE FROM MY NOBLE FOREST, you cretins! You dare PURCHASE a member of my fold with your PAPER currency... and you don't know who COREY FELDMAN is?! Next thing you know, you'll be telling me you've never seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom!

Young Wife
What's Indiana have to do with this?

(Unable to bear anymore, the Christmas tree chucks pine cones at the couple, harrying them off the lot.)

Living Christmas Tree
OUT! OUT OF MY FOREST!! Tell you wretched people that the NOBLE TRIBE OF EVERGREEN will TAKE NO MORE of this injustice!

Young Husband
Ah! What the hell! Come on, babe, let's just buy a plastic one...

(The young couple finally leaves, and the Christmas tree triumphantly crows. Doug, meanwhile, watching his sale walking away, looks dumbstruck.)

Doug the Tree Vendor
What the hell, dude!? I could have made a fat commission off that sale!

(The Christmas tree removes the "top" portion, revealing itself not to be a tree, but, in fact, a man inside. The man underneath is "THE DRUID" ERIK BLACK... and it looks like he's been living just a bit TOO long in the wild. His face appears to be covered with mud -- or something else sticky and brown, we won't go into it -- and caked in appear to be shavings from pine cones and dark green firs. Very unusual camouflage, to say the least.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Like I said, dude... I'm against the commercialization of this season. You were about to hand over the NOBLEST and ELDEST tree in this lot to a pair of ingrates who are ignorant of the work of Corey Feldman and the Indiana Jones series? Bah...

You want a commission? Here's forty bucks! Hand over that sack of boomers, cracka!

(Silently mouthing "cracka?" to himself in blatant confusion, Doug reaches in, pulls out a baggie, and the exchange is made over a pair of twenties.)

Doug the Tree Vendor
What happened to that last bag I gave you?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Dude... do you honestly think that dressing up a Christmas tree is a regular thing of mine?

Doug the Tree Vendor
Speaking of... should I even ask?

"The Druid" Erik Black
You damn well BETTER ask, if you know what's good for ya!

Ah, screw that, I'll tell you anyway. After you left the other night, I took those shrooms, right on schedule... yeah, it's usually not in my nature to double-down like that over just a couple of days, but I was feeling lucky, and the weather was right.

I sat here in this lot with only the trees to keep my company... and after a while, I began to see the world from their perspective. Think about it... you're just a plain ol' evergreen tree, growing out of the dirt without a care in the world... then when the snow hits the ground, BAM! Some jackass with a chainsaw cuts your ass down, straps you down on a truck overloaded with a bunch of your hewn brethren, and then you get put up for sale completely against your will.

Then some people inevitably come by, buy you, ship you back to their place, and set you up in their living room covered head to toe in a bunch of shiny do-dads like you were nothing more than TROPHY set on display. And when Christmas-time ends? Out into the garbage you go...

That's no life to live... not for any man, and not for any tree. And when I realized this... when I put myself into the perspective of the trees... eventually I began to understand the trees. After I gained their trust, the trees began speaking to me...

Doug the Tree Vendor
...you sat here all night and talked to the Christmas trees, is what you're saying?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Well, I AM called "The Druid", aren't I! It's not just a class in Warcraft!

Doug the Tree Vendor
Right... you still got that bag of shrooms? Here's your money; I want it back.

"The Druid" Erik Black
Hear me out here, man... you aren't following me.

These trees have accepted me now as one of their own! They've told me their secrets... such as where to find their hidden pine cones, and which limbs hold stronger than others. This sort of top secret information is known to no other person on the planet other than myself.

Long story short... when I walk into that lot at Unplugged later this month, I will be walking into MY territory, surrounded by some five dozen of MY allies. My opponents won't see it coming from a mile away...

Doug the Tree Vendor
Oh, that wrestling thing... I remember you talking about that.

Come to think of it, I think a couple of your opponents did some videos...

"The Druid" Erik Black
I know this. You forget that I can push my mind beyond space and time.

Plus, I have the Youtube app on my iPhone, so I get that shit sent to me almost the minute it comes out.

Doug the Tree Vendor
That John Doe guy seemed kind of upset that nobody's cut a promo lately...

"The Druid" Erik Black
Well, excuse my ass to pieces, but when you're on the lam, it's kinda hard to just dial up the local camera crew and set up an interview.

But what, really, is there for me to even say? All I've heard this week, from the few people who have made their voices heard, is incessant bitching and moaning.

John Doe's being a cry-ass about having put his body on the line in an all-out brawl. If you can't take the hit, then set the bong down, I always say. And if this sport is just too intense or brutal for him to take, he should probably look into another hobby. Maybe he can catch up on finding out just who he is, exactly.

And then there's Jeff "Not-So-Green"... however you pronounce his last name, whining about not being able to show off his OH SO cutting edge technical wrestling skills in this match. Boo-fucking-hoo. He should be ecstatic that he doesn't have to deal with rope breaks, but for some reason, he thinks this is all a joke.

But you know what, man? Life's a joke. Humanity is a joke. The Comedian said it best. In a few billion years -- a nanosecond in Universe time, I should point out -- this planet won't exist, and the entire human race will be wiped from the face of existence like a forgotten memory. All of our hard effort... our endless labors... our constant struggle to find some purpose in our pursuit of happiness... gone, like keef in the wind. All of it for nothing. If that ain't the perfect punchline, then you don't do enough drugs!

Look at these trees... you think anybody remembers them when they get thrown out? You think anybody CARES about them? For us, it's just another Christmas... and for them, it's the HOLOCAUST.

Doug the Tree Vendor
...whoa. Pretty deep, man.

"The Druid" Erik Black
Not just deep. Infinite.

Granted, under the realization that it all means nothing... there's obviously no reason for me to go in and win this match. I mean... what do I have to gain by being this federation's TV Champion? Sure, it's a spiffy belt... but that whole "honor" and "prestige" thing just seems a tad long-winded, don't you think?

But I'll go with these trees, just the same. I'll walk into that match with a desire to put every other man that walks into that Christmas tree lot through hell and back... because none of them obviously have the balls or the desire to do the same. Either they're afraid of being hurt, or afraid of their style being cramped.

I have no fear... and I have no complaints with this match. This is the very environment where I work best. And now with the TREES on my side... I can't possibly fail.

Doug the Tree Vendor
I think you might be going a bit off the deep end. You should lay off the hallucinogens for a while, you know?

"The Druid" Erik Black
I suppose I could do that... but the vast ocean of knowledge and omniscience awaits me.

Doug the Tree Vendor
Whatever... I gotta get back to work. You think you could stop harassing my customers for a while?

(From under his tree-suit, Erik points to the tall evergreen that was about to be sold off in the beginning of the promo.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Very well... but the ELDER must remain! For the sake of the tribe, the Elder Tree CANNOT leave the sanctity of the forest!

Doug the Tree Vendor
Sure, fine... I won't sell the tall one. Just... PLEASE, stay out of the way! Remember, you're supposed to be lying low!

"The Druid" Erik Black
I'll lay as low as I please...

Now back to work, plebian! My spliff calls...

(Doug spots a family on the other end of the lot browsing on their own and starts off in their direction. Replacing his head-piece, "The Druid" once again becomes a walking tree himself, then silently backs up and disappears into the other trees in the lot, becoming one with the forest around him. Fade to black... if there was ever a camera rolling to begin with.)
 

John Doe

The Anorexic Ethiopian
Joined
Feb 2, 2004
Messages
996
Points
0
Age
36
Location
Chicago, IL
Website
www.facebook.com
FADEIN...

We come into a room where John is working out on a bench doing some bench presses. He is working hard, doing a good amount of reps as he sets the bar in its place sitting up quickly and walking over to a treadmill as the camera follows him. He turns the machine on going at a mild jogging pace as he begins to speak.

"That's all you have for us Erik a thirty minute piece on trees and drugs? That is all you have to provide? Is this what we really have to look forward to every time your mug goes out on the TV?"

"What meaningless crap. This wouldn't entertain a group of chimps nor does it have anything at all to do with the match. Doug a tree vendor, some talking trees. It's pointless all the same."

"We get the point, you're a druggie, you love doing your acid and shrooms. No one give s f-ck. It's idiotic and its borderline retarded. Maybe it's one of those things you have to be high to understand."

"I can guarantee this, you don't have to be high to understand the notion that in a few days we will be entering a lot full of trees, but there will be none talking, there will be no Doug and there will be no drugs."

"The only drug I carry is adrenaline and the need to survive. Fight or flight, Erik, that is the basic instinct of man. I like the fight part, I stick to the fight part. I don't mind kicking the THC from your system."

"See, in your world Erik you are under the assumption that the only thing that really matters is how high you can get and how pointless you can be. Granted you may think you are going to make a point in the lot when we meet. Incorrect."

"I don't even find you mildly entertaining. No. Your stupidity with this whole tree lot trying to connect with the trees like an underling of green peace just makes me want to hurt you in that lot even more."

"No, I retract my former statement, your stupidity just makes me want to outwrestle you, because I already outclass you, hell, I outclass this entire league. But you don't see that, you see spectacles of colors and floating rabbits, which is more important than getting your sorry ass in shape for a match."

"Yeah, I said it. Since I have the balls to say it, you aren't some crazed drug addict able to wrestle because he gets his fix. You just can't wrestle. The real fix, Erik, the ultimate high is title glory and the amount of money it rakes in. You think Cameron Cruise can be as lazy as a Jew just because he can? NO. It's because he has a title and is making the big bucks."

"While you put powder up your nose running around like a lunatic in the eighties I am drawing a game plan. Yes, a game plan. It will outweigh everything you think can happen, I have maps, diagrams, I even know what trees are in the lot that can be used to crush your chest cavity in."

"BUT I DON'T EVEN NEED THESE."

"Because you are a joke, a failure, a fraud."

"Trees, its pathetic, they aren't your allies you waste of space. They are just trees; the trees are a weapon, a weapon I plan to exploit to the largest way possible."

"The fact is Erik, I can take the hit. I have taken the hit and I will again, the point was that the company lacks to see the fact that I take the hit repeatedly putting my body in jeopardy repeatedly with no avail. No, I have to be in a match with a low life scum bag like you Erik in order to get my shot."

"BUT I DON'T MIND IT."

"I don't mind getting in a match and beating the life out of a man in order to get my shot. I don't mind it because I don't care what it takes, even caving your skull into that lot, I will get mine. You LACK that sort of discipline and determination."

"YOU LACK the sense to actually WANT a shot. You lack it all and I don't. I want it, so I will mother f-cking take it."

"You have nothing to say Erik, you said it yourself, what do you have to gain by winning a belt? Sadly enough you say you have some desire? You have a desire to put me through hell and back? How Erik? BY WHAT MEANS?"

"You have no real class; you have no real notches on your belt, I'VE BEEN TO HELL AND BACK. I have been dumped in the ocean, tossed off a scaffold, leaped off busses, burned, beaten, torn, broken. I have had it all done you arrogant little prick."

"SO I DARE YOU..."

"..say I am afraid of being hurt."

"No, save it, save your oxygen for when I am choking the life from your body. Because If there is one thing you should be afraid of is what I am going to do when I get in that lot. I have already defeated the self proclaimed hardcore king, Chaos."

"I personally agreed that our match would be no rules, anything goes. Yet you have the balls, the audacity, to say I am afraid of some TREES and a cement lot."

"Ha.....f-ck you."

"I just hope you do enough drugs to make you think twice about showing up, because lord knows, you sure as hell should."

FADEOUT.
 
Last edited:

The Great Eye

I came to cut you up
Joined
Jan 29, 2004
Messages
1,337
Points
0
(FADEIN: A room where the massive Jin Gang Xiao stands in the traditional Sumo Circle. JGX is hunched over in the traditional starting position of Sumo, hands on the dirt, across from him, a smaller, but still most likely 350+ asian man has one hand on the dirt. The camera pans back to see Abigail Sharp, laying back in a lawn chair, watching the two men. Sharp is in a flower patterned blouse and faded blue jeans.)

SHARP: The moment before the storm...I love it so much, here, waiting, anything is possible, these two giants are at any moment about to explode across the dirt at each other...It will be violent, it will be brutal, and in all likelyhood, it will be very short...

But until they do...Nothing is settled, anything is possible, either man could win, the moves they use for that victory are nearly limitless. There is so much unknown, so much undecided at this time, but in just a few moments, it will become the past, forever known to us...

I love it when crowds boo a pick off move in a baseball game...Why boo? Why not savor that moment? The pitch will come, something will happen, a strike out, a base hit, a home run, a double play...It's all there, it can all be had...

And so here we are again, a big battle for the right to fight somebody to win a belt...Five men, any of them could get that title shot...So many things possible, so much magic could be made by any of them...

But really in the end, this thing has been one long shouting match between John Doe...Who's well...A man who's name denotes he's faceless, nameless, and really, should have stayed that way.

You're every wrestler who's a never-will-be Doe. Talk a big game, fail to back it up, fade back into the sunset, you're nobody and nothing, it's who you are really, your name tells the story of the man. It's tragic really.

(After all this time, the man standing opposite JGX now merely stands up, the two men walk away and back to performing the prefight rituals.)

This could go on for hours back in the old days....Now you can't do this for forever...Time limits...A concession to modern times...

But for you Doe, I assume that you don't want to see this match not out of some great appreciation of anticipation, but rather the dread of another defeat, another loss, another time you showed up and got shown up. It's the very nature of your being, it is how you exist in this world. You define yourself in namelessness, and you are defined by failure.

Then we have Erik Black...Who I don't think even knows there is a match while he's busy saving the trees from the awful commerical nature of Christmas...

Honey, Christmas has been a scam since the day it was invented, the Christians needed a way to get the pagans to buy into their religion, so they just decided the pagan holidays celebrating the mid point of winter, was something they should co-opt by making it a celebration about the birth of Jesus. The Christmas Tree is a pagan symbol..."The reason for the season" is to convert pagans...That's about it...So if some smooth talking guy on the TV wants to sell me a car or a new cell phone, that's about the same thing as what this was orginally about, Christmas has always been a con.

Be it faith or stuff to buy, it's all the same. So however noble you want to be about things, just understand sugar, this whole world's always running a con on us. About the only thing that's real is that you're going to be stuck fighting 4 other men, and one of them will be my boy, and he's very big, very mean, and very violent...

I don't even know if you are avoiding this match...I don't even know if you understand reality...You were at one time called 'the escape artist' I believe...It suits you, for you are all about escapism...About not dealing with this world, you want to be a magical tree, or to live in your drug induced little world...But all of that won't save you from the Christmas Lot Brawl...

Not that it'll matter much, because you'll just go back your dream world after you lose.

(JGX and his opponent finally finish the pre-fight ceremonies and now again kneel across from each other.)

The suspense is terrible...I hope it will last

(The two men continue to stare at each other...FADEOUI)
 

John Doe

The Anorexic Ethiopian
Joined
Feb 2, 2004
Messages
996
Points
0
Age
36
Location
Chicago, IL
Website
www.facebook.com
FADEIN...

John is outside walking down a street, the street covered in snow as is the sidewalk. He halts next to a store, leaning against the frosted brick wall as he shakes his head very seldom, adjusting his leather gloves as he begins to talk.

"The irony of it all, a man in his little Hawaiian shirt acting like the tough spokes person for some over sized China man. The sole speaker, the man who holds the leash for his little pet talking the smack like he is the one to step in the tree lot. I'd love to see that day, Sharp wrestling instead of his overgrown love toy, but until it happens you are nothing more than a mouthpiece, Sharp."

"And mouth pieces have a point when all they do is toot with no big notes. You know what is humorous about it all, in that little mind where you try to sound like some elegant prophet all you do is spit out lies and opinions, opinions that are so far from the mark it would be a shame not to laugh at it."

"Let me tell you something, Sharp. Baseball and wrestling are very much alike, people boo, they cheer, and they sit in anticipation waiting for the moment that their star pitcher will either strike the batter out or allow a run to score. Much like wrestling, much like my career, I have been a star pitcher, a reliever and a closer. I have walked the batters by not caring in matches and tossing the match, losing, and I have striked them out leaving them wondering what exactly has occurred."

"I haven't had a perfect game or a no hitter, but I have been close, but that is where the line thins. I held a title here in WFW: NEW pre-merger, but it wasn't enough, no, here I am again on a path to getting another shot at a title, and what do we have?"

"YOU thinking I am some nameless no one. That is great and dandy, keep it that way, know nothing about me, wish my existence would have been a mere crumb from the sandwich. It makes me less of a threat in your mind, makes your b-tch boy find me as some sort of joke."

"Except I will get the last laugh, I can promise that."

"Then again, who have you wrestled? What amazing match ups have you been involved with? Hmm, I have been against Cameron Cruise, Marx, Rabesque, Chaos, the list is endless, but you think I have been a pass in the wind, that I haven't matched up against the best, learned from the best and said f-ck the fans as I did it. Hell, I have done it all practically you are a mere piece of corn in the large pile of sh-t."

"I think you are just confused, have your head way too far up your pompous ass to understand the fact that when I walked around New Era and Worlds Finest I was just here. I didn't want to try, hell I could care less to botch a match. Welcome to 2009, it's no longer 2005, it's not a place where I am just to rookie card that holds not value, I am a signed Babe Ruth card."

"Worth a lot and rare, and because of that fact, because I can go week to week destroying my body and making open mouthed idiots like yourself eat it I am able to win matches. But don't mind that Sharp, its too complicated for your feeble little mind to grasp around. I expect you to try and combat it, use some example of a previous match I had or when this and that occurred."

"Yes, because no one ever loses in your world, isn't that right? No one can ever f-ck up. Everything is perfect."

"Time for me to burst your bubble."

"Yes, I am afraid to say Sharp that this is a case of mistaken identity, your little poster boy lead poisoning freak show hasn't done squat, so you pass the buck off to another. Wrong, not how it works Sharp, it works how I want it to work, when I want it to work, when I say for it to work."

"Hell, the nerve you have is ten fold worse than Black, you're like a friend who tries to trail over his buddies ex-girlfriend. It's fail. I talk big game, I HAVE backed it up, and I will back it up again, in some way shape or form I get my point across one way or another."

"But continue on Sharp, make a case trying to connect my name to me as a wrestler in a f-cked up conundrum, it holds NO MERRIT to when I get in the lot with your boy. It doesn't serve a purpose when I am out wrestling him and tossing a tree on him, beating him to Kung Pow Chicken, it does nothing more than exhaust a half assed attempt to take a shot at me."

"So WHEN I win this match just remember you took those little petty meaningless shots, those little attempts, and I hope to God himself you are outside of that lot when this match concludes, with me as the victor, so I can pummel you."

"Fact is Sharp, your boy can be as big and as violent as he wants to be. He can run around in that stupid Sumo thong while you pop wood because of how much it excites you and try to win this match but it will not work. I will be in that lot and I will make sure of it, and after I do you can take your flamboyant ass and ponder how it all happened."

"This is what we call reality, Sharp, this is a brawl."

"And by God am I gonna f-ck your boy up."

FADEOUT
 
Last edited:

RStrawsma

Strawbot
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
1,512
Points
36
Age
40
Location
Indiana
You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

(Lebanon, IN, circa 1993... right around Christmas time. In the kitchen / dining room of the homely Black household, the brothers -- 9-year-old Erik and the 6-year-old Ethan -- sit at the simple square table as their mother moves about from one station to the next preparing the evening's meal. Spewing from the nearby door that leads to the basement are two things -- thick, black smoke, and a hurricane of vulgarity from the Old Man below in his epic struggle with the furnace.)

Mr. Black
You FILTHY SON OF A --

(He was cut off by an explosion from below. The two boys stared at the door in silent awe as obscenity burns their young ears. Their mother, perhaps hinting on this unhealthy early overexposure of raw vocabulary, decides to keep them occupied otherwise.)

Mrs. Black
So, boys... did you remember to write out your Christmas lists for Santa this year?

Ethan Black
I did!

Mrs. Black
How about you, Erik?

Erik Black
Mom, I told you... I don't need a list. I only want one thing this Christmas, and that's Doom on the PC.

Mrs. Black
Erik! Santa's not going to get you that! I heard about that violent game... and if you play too much of that, you'll probably go get a gun and shoot someone's eye out!

Erik Black
PFF... right mom, like anybody would ever be that stupid...

Ethan Black
I want a Blue Power Ranger!

Erik Black
Jeez, Ethan, that is SO dorky!

Mrs. Black
Erik, don't be mean to your brother! And Ethan, be realistic! Those things are IMPOSSIBLE to get ahold of!

Erik Black
So what are we supposed to expect this year? CLOTHES?! Man, what a fucking gyp...

Mrs. Black
ERIK!!

(We flash forward to a few minutes as Erik now sits on the lid of the toilet, a thick green bar of soap sticking out of his mouth. With a furrowed brow, the mom looms over him, periodically checking her watch to keep time. Erik retches at the taste.)

Mrs. Black
Had enough?

(Erik attempts to exclaim "Kiss my ass!" but it obviously comes out unintelligible with the soap blocking up most of his mouth. She removes the bar and stands with her arms crossed, not quite setting him loose yet.)

Mrs. Black
And just where, may I ask, did you learn that word?

Erik Black
Uh, Mom... do you not hear the things that come out of Dad's mouth on a daily basis!

Mrs. Black
That doesn't mean you should repeat them! From now on, I only want to hear "FUDGE"!

Erik Black
...well, can I getting off this fudging shitter and be on my merry way already?

(Before he can react, the soap plugs up his mouth again.)

===========================================

(Being ripped violently back into the realm of consciousness, "THE DRUID" ERIK BLACK awoke with a startled declaration.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
GODDAMN LIFEBUOY!!

(Rather startled, Erik looks around... he's laying in the middle of his makeshift "nest" in the remote corner of the Christmas tree lot. It's the middle of the night -- the only time he can really be active. In his hand is his iPhone -- his only connection to the outside world -- using his YouTube app to play Part 7 of 12 of Bob Clark's "A Christmas Story." Clutched in the fore and middle finger of his other hand is a spliff he carelessly left lit as he drifted into a completely fabricated memory, now burned down to his knuckle. Noticing this, he snuffs it out before it can burn him.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Damn, that was crazy... but what the hell was I doing before I got distracted and looked up that movie?

(Hunched close to the trio of space-heaters that occupy his makeshift shelter of cardboard boxes, he quickly switches a couple screens and looks it up...)

"The Druid" Erik Black
...OH YEAH!! Promo surfing. Man, John Doe... no WONDER I got distracted!

(He hits a few commands, cueing up Electric Wizard's twenty-minute epic "Chrono.naut" and punches the record button, aiming the phone's camera at himself as he records the following missive...)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Evenin', fellow stoners and stereotypes alike! It's time to grab a seat and open your mind to universe, because once again, I'm here to lead you down a mind-blowing trip on the outer rim of time and space!

Bring a snack, too, cause it's gonna be a long one...

At long last, people are beginning to recognize the presence of "THE DRUID" in this Christmas Tree Lot Brawl... and, as to be typically expected, my habit as a cannabis and psychedelic aficionado has been thoroughly criticized and misunderstood. I find that kind of amusing, because while everybody's talked about me and my trips and my apparently nonsensical rants on the universe, the cosmos, and life itself... nobody has yet mentioned my actual wrestling ability, which, as anybody who's been keeping up on current events, ain't too shabby for being some idiot stoner who lives in his own little world.

But let me ask you ALL something... who exactly, on this insignificant blue planet, is NOT living in their own little world?

(He perks an eyebrow as he delivers this query.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
We've all got our own worlds... our own personal spheres of reality. In my reality, I’m a time and space-travelling Dragonaut, and Sleep was the greatest band ever. In John Doe's own little world, eating his Wheaties and taking a morning jog supposedly help his chances in this match. In the world of Jeff What's-His-Face, wrestling is completely unchanged from how it was stretching all the way back to its roots nearly a century ago, and every single match must take place in a wrestling ring, or it's some sort of joke. In the world of Abigail Sharp, big, bad, and stupid must obviously mean better than everything else, and quoting Willie Wonka is considered cutting edge.

We each have an opinion, but not every one of us can be right. There is no one, everlasting truth in this universe that any of us can perceive in our meager and insignificant human lifespan. But because I'm the one person who recognizes this, everybody seems to think I'm off in space somewhere.

I just allow the universe to sort itself out on its own. The rest of you are simply groping in the dark.

(He shrugs, as if voicelessly proclaiming his apathy in where his own path might lead him... simply focused on the present.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
First... allow me to speak candidly to a one Miss Abigail Sharp... the huge Chinese guy's manager.

You know, you remind me a lot of my former manager. Wealthy, smug, intellectual -- or so you're trying to pass yourself as. Like you, he went to Asia and found himself an unstoppable giant. Like you, he thought he could take over the world by putting brain behind brawn. When he was finally out of the picture, I began to think for myself, and it's been nothing short of great ever since.

It's true... I was -- and still am -- known in some circles as "the Escape Artist"... although I assure you for entirely different reasons. I don't "escape" reality; I face it head on, by putting my mind in places where typical minds are afraid of going. Accepting the universe for what it is would render a typical person insane.

(With a stoner's glint his eye, he takes another puff on the left-over joint. It's almost completely burned away by now.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Truth is, I call myself "the Escape Artist" as a Houdini plug. Simply put, there ain't a submission hold that can be slapped on me that I can't escape from.

But one thing I wasn't able to escape from was your diatribe on the history and true meaning of Christmas. Only thing I have to say to that is... well, duh. Thank you, Captain Obvious, for rescuing us yet again from another attack by the Redundancy Reavers.

I think my actions earlier in the week here at this mall should tell you all you need to know about my opinions on this Holiday and its commercialization. As for the Christian elements, well... I could care less about them as well. I've looked skyward enough times and seen planes of existence beyond any conception we have a Heaven. There is no God, and the real con in all this is the fate of Planet Earth and the Human Race... which, after that meteor hits the planet, is nothing but space dust.

I know it's probably a hard concept for you to grasp... but human understanding has a history being pushed before. We didn't think the Planet Earth was spherical for a while. We didn't think we'd ever walk on the moon outside of divine intervention. A couple weeks ago, you didn't believe there was any way JGX could go over those ropes.

But the impossible became possible... and it will happen again in that lot, when I defy the natural laws of physics and send tubby rolling over a wire fence.

(Checks the spliff, now a meager chief in his hand, then glances back at the camera seeing he's still got time.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Onto the next sheep in need of a mind-liberating psychedelic experience...

John Doe is like Richard Simmons, Sweatin' to the Oldies and whipping himself into the shape. Yesterday was bench pressing. Today is jogging. I guess that having no memory means you have no originality either. Compared to a single one of your generic pep-talks showing your daily exercise regimen, my "thirty minute piece on trees and drugs" looks like a masterpiece. Two more promos, and we can make a montage out of his b-roll footage.

(Even Rocky had a montage.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
In this universe, John Doe, you are just a neutron star, devoid of everything that once made you special. I, on the other hand, am a nebula of colors, collapsing in upon itself... building fire and energy, until I ultimately explode and outshine every other lame-ass star this side of the galaxy.

You don't seem to understand... I'm not just the delusional druggie you take me as. I'm trying to help you do something that you can't do on your own. I'm trying to make you think. I'm forcing you to question your grasp on reality and the world around you... giving you perspectives you never thought possible.

But, like so many others, you'd just rather write me off as an idiot stoner, who's simply ranting and raving about nothing and lost off in his own little world. You're not listening to the words I'm telling you. And, for that reason, I can tell you that you will walk into the Christmas Tree Lot totally not expecting the mind-altering experience that awaits you.

And it's gonna be a bad comedown for you, Doe.

(Taking a pair of tweezers from the pocket in his jeans, Black pincers the leftover roach, lights it, and takes a few puffs to savor what's left.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
You obviously don't get the point. It's not simply that I like to smoke a little dope and trip every now again... it's that the psychedelic experience of altering the mind and it's perception of reality have helped me understand truths that most people can't even fathom from a sober standpoint.

I think you highly underestimate the primal instincts of man, limiting them to a mere two. I don't fight. I don't flee. Those are the actions of animals. Instead, I think. And using my vastly superior logic and rationalizing -- brought upon by a series of vividly memorable voyages through the furthest reaches of outer space in a Chevy Astro van -- I can tell you right now... you don't have a brownie's chance in an Amsterdam coffee shop if you think you're walking out of that Christmas Tree Lot with a shot at the TV Champ.

You can talk about having a gameplan, John, but the fact is, in spite of all your jogging and bench-pressing and vitamin-eating... you aren't the one that's been living in a Christmas Tree Lot for the past week. See, I've had a lot of time to sit here and think... and maybe you'd be surprised to know that I've done a bit of scheming myself.

(He turns the phone around and takes a few pictures of the trees. Beneath the limbs and firs, we can see that Black has actually adorned some of these trees with strands of barbed wire and shards of glass, and anything else sharp and pointy he could rummage around the lot. His tree allies, apparently, are coming to battle armed.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
I don't just lose myself in floating rabbits and colorful shapes. I put my mind to work. I get creative. I think in places where nobody has thought before... and that gives me the edge. You don't understand it, because YOU are actually the idiot in this scenario.

You harp on desire and discipline and that good ol' fightin' spirit... you and every other generic, indiscernible loser in that locker room, like cattle with cow blinders, charging blindly forward in a stampede that leads right over a cliff. If you think just like everybody else in the crowd, you can't actually expect to stand out from them.

Success comes to those who think differently... and that's just what I do. I don't need to do push-ups or jumping jacks and trim my waistline to win a match. So far, my typical approach to the matches I've had thus far has led me to a perfect two for two in my singles venture here in WFW: NE. That's more than can be said about John Doe. All you have to speak for is a 450 splash off of a truck... something I could do in my sleep, with an added 360 just because I fucking can!

(He turns the camera around back to himself, puffing away again at the roach in his tweezers.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
That's to say nothing of how I've prepared for this contest. I've made this lot MY environment... and since you seem to know so much about basic human instinct, of course then you'd know exactly what happens when you barge in unannounced on one's territory. You get bit in the ass by that "fight" you were talking about earlier.

I will admit... I really do not care if I go on to fight for the TV Title or not, because... let's face it, it's a low-tiered strap. It's like the consolation prize of wrestling titles. For that matter, titles and accomplishments are pretty much worthless in the grand scheme of the universe. Your annoyingly simple-minded declaration of desire to win the TV Title only proves how one-dimensional and hopeless you really are, Doe. Aspiring for something so meaningless in this ever-expanding universe is just plain weak.

But just because I have no ambition to put a meager token of short-lived fame around my waist does not mean that I am walking into this match without a desire to kick some ass.

(The last of spliff burns out completely, and Black casually tosses its remains aside. Ashes to ashes, or some such.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
You have horribly misunderstood everything I am and what I represent, too foolish to look past my supposedly disgraceful means of enlightenment. I don't wrestle because it's my job, or seeking fame or fortune... I wrestle because it's my fucking passion! I've been throwing myself off the roof of my dad's garage since I was fourteen and owned my first luchadore mask... simply because I thought it was fun to do. If I was so concerned with money, I'd just make a stay-at-home business selling merchandise and marijuana. Instead, I spend my years travelling from city to city, buying bag after bag, experiencing trip after trip... every time I make voyage, it only makes me stronger and wiser.

You see it another way. In your mind, the object of the game is to win. But winning is overrated. Without victory, your career, your persona, your entire legacy... it means nothing. So many other forgotten heroes have come and gone before you, and you won't be any different from them, because you willingly choose not to be.

You talk about drive and determination, John... but I don't see passion in your eyes. You did nothing in your first promo but gripe about the season and all the horrible things that could possibly happen to you. Truth is, even though you want to win, you obviously really don't want to be in this match. You only care for the rewards that victory will bring you. It's all an ego trip for you... not too different from a drug induced hallucination, only phenomenally more boring. That's not only stupid, but shallow as well.

(He scoffs with apparent disdain for his opponent's supposed motivations.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Do I want to win? Maybe, maybe not... although I think to be more accurate, I'd say that I'm more interested in making sure you and the other dumbasses don't win. In your case, John, I want to personally introduce you to these prickly friends of mine the HARD way, and dash any hopes you have of putting the TV Title around your waist... simply because TV does NOT need a douchebag like you as its champion.

But, for me... my determination comes in making a mark. I want the people of this world to see my stoner brilliance for what it is truly capable of. And look what I have to work with in this match... a young up-and-coming greenhorn... a Chinese sumo behemoth... a former NEW TV Champion that made that belt everything it is... a former NEW World Champion... and, of course, you.

Whoever comes out the winner will be of no matter. At the end of our five-way dance, the only one that the fans will remember is "THE DRUID" when they bear witness to the otherworldly feats I will perform!

(Smiling quite confidently, Erik applies his set of aviators to his face... even though it's night. From his shirt pocket, he pulls out yet another joint and sticks it into his mouth.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
All your kung-fu action G.I. Joe broo-ha-ha is for naught, John. You simply have no idea what I have done to prepare for this match, mentally and environmentally, all the while crowing your discipline and focus in the most clichéd statements to ever come out of a locker room.

I never said you were afraid of getting hurt. But you were definitely being a crybaby about it before. Yes, no doubt... you will get hurt. And you should be honored to be. But you aren't. In your mind, this is a chore instead of an opportunity.

But if you aren't afraid, John, then you SHOULD BE... because on the night of Unplugged, your world is going to be completely fucked up. The death-defying stunts and amazing feats you've performed throughout your long-dead career will PALE in comparison to the REALITY-DEFYING and MIND-ALTERING experience that is being seventy-twenty degree hurricanrana'd through half a dozen Christmas Trees and over a barbed wire fence!

(A spark from his lighter lights the end of the new spliff as he takes the first drag and puts his mind into a different state of perception.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
I think the reality of the situation is... all of you are afraid. I've put my mind in a place where none of you are willing to follow.

I'm ascending beyond the rest of the human race and leaving this planet for the depths of space... "Within the center of the galaxy, away from Earth and all it's misery."

"The Druid" Erik Black
Until next time, fellow chrononauts! Remember that this Holiday is all marketing and brainwashing, and try not to shoot your eyes out.

(He hits the stop button and we go to the Druid "cannabis" logo and three numbers...)

420
 

John Doe

The Anorexic Ethiopian
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FADEIN...

John Doe in a tree lot smoking a cigarette as the camera comes up close to him, he smiles just slightly as he blows the smoke out into the lenses.

"How original is this?"

(He laughs as he drops the cigarette crushing it with his boot)

"The time is coming quickly, almost too quickly. In a few days we will get in a lot full of trees and battle to see who will get a shot at Cameron Cruise, we have a Asian who is running around with a woman that I am just going to consider a man, we have some wet behind the ears Greenhorn, an MIA wrestler Mr. Entertainment, and finally, Erik Black."

"Heh, Black, the one who calls me unoriginal, that I love to eat Wheeties and shoot B-roll footage of me running and working out. Clever Erik, so original, so f-cking original."

"However, I don't need originality Black, don't care for it, I can be in the middle of drinking a beer and let the camera's roll, because the actions I am doing at the time don't matter, it's the words that need to seep in. That's okay though, good attempt there chap. You go on ahead with your self proclaimed masterpiece that makes no technical sense, just useless jargon formed by some man that believes life is a bowl of meth."

"Brief science lesson here Erik, you just compared me a neutron star, a star that collapses with in its self, that's okay. What you fail to realize is that a neutron star is a very powerful item. Yes it was once a bright star, but it collapsed to just to the core, just the meat. It's very presence emits the strongest form of a magnetic field and holds exotic forms of matter found NO WHERE else in the universe. Neutron stars are quite unique.."

"Yes Erik, thank you for that, I love that example, I am a neutron star what was glamorous turned to something grander but hiding in the shadows. You want to be a nebula, a grand scale of colors that holds nothing special? So be it, I will be the neutron star that spins at incredible speeds whose core is ten fold hotter than it was."

"Just like in real life Erik I am the neutron star, I will be the one thing that wanted to be a big bright light but turned away and went to a form that stays out the spotlight but still has everything and more to offer, while you be the nebula all flash nothing special."

"I see we have bumped up your IQ yet you still have sh-t for brains. I suggest when making connections or polarity between people and items you at least attempt to get the facts down straight. Now, I can maybe move on"

"But it's all humorous, Erik, YOU trying to make me think, while you try to make me seem like a feeble tool with a galaxy relation that failed. YOU trying me think when you can't even get your facts straight or analogies, tell me how that exactly works Erik?"

"Wait there is more, you are trying to get me to understand reality, didn't you say previously we all have our own personal spheres of reality, so which are we aiming for here Erik?"

"I'll go with you are a floating boat of contradiction which makes your sphere of 'reality' that much further away. You see the connection now? Hurry roll another joint, I'll wait."

(He pauses for a minute)

"But trust me, I get the point Erik, its vivid and it's clear, but when you try and take little things and crush them together like a child with play dough all you get is a ball of confusion. You don't fight, well that is enough said there, you don't flee I commend you. You plan and go for a chess like strategy? Great, I have check mate in three moves, Erik."

"Check mate in the Christmas tree lot 'your' self proclaimed environment Erik and we all know what happens when man goes into uncharted lands. Well you get America, discovery of the world, yes prime examples or you end up with Vietnam, Iraq, I side with the first set of ventures though, so we will see where the ass biting really goes."

"You know what this reminds me of, the grizzly man, you remember him Erik? He lived with the bears, slept with the bears, thought he was a bear, just like you. You live in the lot; sleep in the lot, what ever you do in the lot, thinking that you have everything set to perfection"

"Except the guy was eating by the bears he thought he knew, just like you will be destroyed in the very lot you spent so much time trying to know."

"Point is nothing is for sure, Erik, you may know how many needles are on each tree, but that won't guarantee you the win. That's a fact, its not made up, I may know my house upside down to the exact measurement, that doesn't mean I am safe in it."

"You may be unaware of this Erik, but there is this thing floating in the world called unpredictability, and you sir are very predictable even with as many drugs as you are on. Chance is not on your side, waste every second in that lot becoming one with it, I will make you even more one when you are pinned to the floor for three."*

"But, its all just the same Erik, as much as try to be original in your little special way you will still call another person generic, ie me. Ironically, its same f-cking liner every person uses, but you keep thinking that you are original. Then again you will also try to make invalid connections, same as every single person, and call yourself a one of a kind class act."

"So, the real questions is what exactly are you really proving to me Erik? Are you trying to defend your antics of drug use, mind altering miracle pills that make you think in ways no one ever thought? Our modern day Einstein? Yeah, keep dreaming, can't kill a dream, but I can kill the dreamer."

"As far off the mark as you are Erik you're on the money on one thing though, I have done a 450 splash, congrats to me! Oh and beating a man almost twice my size, yet I did nothing there, let's erase that from the same line as the splash, wait hold on, beating Chaos when he had HELP. So not only was it a 450 splash, I also defied the odds by overcoming adversity when another person attempted to screw me out of a win. So you were sayin all I have to speak for is a 450 splash? Yeah....right."

"...But then again, who have you wrestled in your two for two? I can't recall them, but you keep on downgrading things to the bone, keep over looking the point and thinking you're an analytical genius."

"All you look like to me is a man that is going to be very disappointed from the out come of a match, that match being at Unplugged."

"And as much as you may hate it I wrestle, Erik, for the money, fame, whatever else comes with it, that is MY passion. No one cares that you started off as a yarder pretending to play wrestler as you still PRETEND to play wrestler, I surely don't. You represent a part of society that has failed America, you represent everything that is WRONG in the world, I am going to correct it and correct it quickly."

"Hell, you don't want the TV title Erik, you don't want that cash flow? Then get the f-ck out of the rat race. It's amazing how you scream about your passion for wrestling how you leaped off daddies garage with a lucha mask but a title in the sport you are passionate about means nothing to you. Yes such passion for everything Erik, true inspiring drive!"

"Just sit down and shut the trap before you contradict yourself again. Fact is, I don't want to be the hero or legend or any of it, I want to make money and to make more money and drive the cars I want, own the house I want to own, I have to beat you and others."

"No sweat."

"You can't grasp that, it's too much for you, it confuses you, Erik. You are thinking to much on being the humble, weed smoking man, you don't look ahead at what pays your bills, makes you on the cover of magazines or puts the cash in your wallet. That's what drives any real man, and man with common sense that is, maybe you lack that as well."

"With money comes power, Erik. You LACK that vision, you lack vision period. You have no true goals or want or need, and you say I lack drive and determination? No, I have a drive, the all mighty dollar and the dollar can buy you victory it can buy you whatever you want it to. You don't see that, you want to speak to me about unoriginality? Hmm? No fresh perspective?"

"The same sh-t you spew, Cruise spews, Tact spewed, Marx, HAL, all of them. Same act different guy 'I love wrestling, it's my passion', another page from a different books. You aren't original with your statements; no one is original in this business. But as delusional as you are you somehow believe you are some enormous act. FALSE."

"Where exactly is your fresh perspective? I thought doing all those drugs put you in a mind altering state no one ever can duplicate. Yet that mind altering state makes you sound like a pro wrestling promo record skipping. I mean with out a person being different they can't succeed, isn't that the basis of your argument or at least part of it?"

"So, you spoon feed a promo full of crap and expect people to eat it, to buy into your short sale of goods? Get real."

"You really honestly expect me to fall for it, Erik? Truly enough, like hell I want to be in this match, NO one truly wants to be in a match that isn't for some gold or revenge, level with me with at least some sort of honesty. You want to be in a match that isn't going to strap gold on you then and there?"

"I call bullsh-t"*

"Everyone wants gold on them and hopes the next match goes up to that level. When you see your name booked in a match that isn't that gold you don't want to be in it, you are disappointed, welcome to LIFE."

"In your life you are fifty-fifty if you want to win or not or at least won't tell us, you come off strong about how passionate you are how much wrestling means to you but maybe you want to win or maybe you don't."

"Such f-cking suspense, I think I chewed my nails off."

"Frankly, it doesn't matter if you do or don't want to win, so please walk up on me in that tree lot, come face to face with me and let's tango Erik because I want to introduce you to my friend, he's called failure."

"One last thing before I sign off here Erik, next time you walk out and decide to cut some promo, accuracy would be nice. Didn't you say that the opponents in this match are either afraid of being hurt or afraid of their style being cramped?"

"Yes you did."

"Yet you tell me you didn't say this, you never said I am afraid of being hurt? So pratically you can't even recall what you state in previous promos? You lack to see the issue here; you are too busy playing in a lot of trees unable to keep a straight story. Or maybe that's your fresh perspective? To say one thing and say you never said it?"

"Maybe we can advance that, say one thing do another, say you can win fail to do so. Makes sense doesn't it? I mean humans are only human and fall subject to their personal traits, yours seems to be contradiction. I like how that is turning out so far."

"Your not even half way creditable."

"That's fine though, because me winning, that's a creditable statement."

"Believe that"

FADEOUT
 
Last edited:

RStrawsma

Strawbot
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
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Merry Cannabis-mas

(Afternoon, day of the event. Snow falls heavily in Omaha as the last of the Christmas Trees from the lot get loaded into the back of the truck. With the job wrapped up, "THE DRUID" Erik Black salutes Doug the Tree Vendor.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Thank you for the hospitality this week, amigo! Not to mention the copious amounts of shrooms!

Doug the Tree Vendor
Uh... you couldn't just rent a hotel room?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Like every other bum out there in the world? No thanks! I'm damb proud to be in tune with the natural things on this planet! While they still exist anyway!

Doug the Tree Vendor
Huh?

"The Druid" Erik Black
Nevermind for right now. I have to be off. These trees are ready for WAR!

Doug the Tree Vendor
Okay, dude... good luck.

(With that, Black bounds into the bed of the truck with the Christmas Trees... and the truck pulls off toward its intended destination.)

(Knowing he has some time while the truck makes the trip, "The Druid" again sets up his phone... hitting the record while Sleep's epic "Dopesmoker" drones on in the background.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
"Believe that?"

Why? Just because you say so?

Who do you think you are, the Roman Catholic Church?

(He scoffs rather bluntly.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Given that you just spent thirty minutes of your own copping my ideas and rambling like a crack head over every minute detail in my last promo, I find it hard to believe your claims are "creditable"... although I think you were looking for the term credible there. I dunno, whatever you meant, you were wrong.

It's clear to me now, John, that it isn't amnesia that you suffer from. It's clear to me that you suffer from a condition known as Wernicke's aphasia. In case your 1943 edition astronomy encyclopedia doesn't have that term listed, I'll describe it here now for you in brief...

(He clears his throat -- no doubt hacking out a few layers of resin -- before continuing on.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Wernicke's aphasia is a neurological disease, affecting how language is comprehended and expressed. In layman's terms, it's like when words are spoken, they enter through the ear, get processed through a meat grinder, and are forcibly excreted back out of the mouth.

...I, uh, looked it up on Wikipedia.

For example on how it works... I liken you to a dead star, and refer to myself as a star in the making, using a crafty analogy. You completely misinterpret the context of the allusion and, therefore, miss its meaning.

This is a classic example of the response someone suffering from aphasia would formulate, and therefore, this is the only conventional and scientific explanation I could find to the half hour of my life I'll never get back after watching you split every insignificant hair and totally gloss over every important point I've made to you.

Namely, how it is you continually overlook my talent just so you can talk smack about my habits.

You've spent the entire week writing me off as an idiot talking out of his ass -- all the while doing a damned fine job of being the very thing you accused me of -- and it all has to do with the fact that I smoke a little dope on the side.

(He stops himself, and smirks, before reaching into his pocket, extracting a joint, and lighting up, following the smoke to the riff-filled land.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Well, okay, I'll be fair... I smoke a SHIT-LOAD of dope!

But not once has that every hampered my ability to whip out some mind-blowing maneuvers in the ring. Currently, I'm two for two. If you had bothered to take thirty minutes out of your day to look up my recent work, you'd already know that... but apparently, you see yourself as too important to research your opponents' work.

Since I’m not an amateur or your typical jobber, I obviously took a glance at your recent track record just to get an idea of how you've fared in recent weeks: a win over Chaos, and a loss to King Krusher. Ho hum.

Funny now that I think of that "unpredictability" factor you mentioned. See, I've studied up on you, but you obviously haven't studied up on me, otherwise you'd known who I've beaten. Since you haven't seen me in action, you don't know how I fight, how I counter, or, more importantly, how I think on my feet.

In short... you won't predict the game I'm bringing, which doesn't bode very well for you.

On the other hand, you make the very predictable move of trying to list off the people you've beaten as somehow significant opponents. You seem pretty damn proud of that single win, but the thing is, John... I don't know who Chaos is. Maybe he was somebody important three years ago, but honestly, dude, I wasn't around back then, and I just don't care. This is the present, and the industry has changed and evolved. I have evolved with it.

This is neither New Era of Wrestling, nor World's Finest Wrestling. I was never a part of either federation in its prime. So why should I care what you did back then? This is a whole new chapter on an entirely new stage. Me? I'm the new face. And unless you wake up, smell the ganja, and recognize my trippin' skills, the only person leaving that lot disappointed is you.

I might be walking into that tree lot stoned, but you're basically admitting that you're walking in blind. Who do you really think is at a disadvantage here?

(He arches an eyebrow as he exhales a couple lungfuls through his nostrils.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Given your condition, I don't really foresee any of these sinking in for you. But that's okay. I've got two trump cards to help you realize the message this "idiot stoner" is trying to hammer into that thick skull of yours. The first... well, that's for when you and I are in the lot. It'll only be a matter of minutes before you quickly realize you've smoked just a bit more than you can handle.

As for my second trump card... just a name: Felix Red.

There's living, breathing proof that you're full of shit, John. Felix Red has proven that you can walk into a ring completely whacked out of your mind and wrestle a five star main event match on Pay Per View... and come out the MAN of the EVENING.

He is the WFW World Heavyweight Champion... and I'm pretty sure that the one person on the planet that cares the very least about it is himself. Still, he carries the belt better than most men could ever, and has shown not a sign of weakness.

By your logic, John, that shouldn't be possible. A "dirty druggie" like him couldn't possibly have the intelligence to get to that level. But that's just the thing... he's an alternative to your generic stooge with a belt.

Like you mentioned earlier... he has that "unpredictability" factor you talked about. While you have a mild understanding of the concept, obviously, you don't have it. You talk and train just like any GENERIC jock wrestling asshole that thinks the meaning of life is to kick ass and take names.

That's why he's the champion, and you are nothing, pawning yourself as something worth much more than you ought to be. You don't understand it, because... you don't do drugs. By your own admission, you have no desire to be original or to stand out in any way.

...do you really expect to get far in this industry under that mindset?

(Puffing gingerly at his joint, he chuckles and shakes his head. The truck hits a bump on the road, cutting him off suddenly.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
You think like everybody else in this sport thinks... that the point of everything is to win matches, to win titles, to somehow prove yourself the best. But is there any fulfillment in that? Or are you just begging for acceptance in this world?

I pity the kind of person you've become, John. You don't enjoy what you do; you simply do it because you think the rewards it brings will somehow validate all the time and effort you've put into it. I'm sure all the high-flying and limousine-riding ways of champions seem alluring, but if you don't have at least something in you that sets you apart from the rest, then really... you aren't anything that hasn't already come and gone.

All you'll be is a POSER... and posers are tools.

Seriously... who CARES who wins this match? Can't we all just say to each other, "Well, fellas, we've got a lot full of Christmas Trees at our disposal, so let's have fun, and may the best man win!" I mean, by ODIN'S BEARD, is that TOO MUCH to ask for?!

And if it turns out that I'm not "the best man?" No big deal! I've abandoned all ego-stroking notions of being the "best" in the industry long ago. I don't fight to win. I show up because I want to be there.

But you, John? From the get-go, you've complained about having to be in this match. Like I said, if you can't take the hit, then put the bong down. If you don't want to be here, then don't show up. If the TV Title meant anything to you, then at the very least, you could be less shallow than to expect it to just be given to you on a silver plate.

Ungrateful spawn of anonymity...

(Grumbling something under his breath, Erik plucks a pine cone off of a near tree and snaps it in half in his hands.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
I won't promise a win, John. That's not my style. That's your style. I'm going to leave all the promising of wins and ass-kicking to you, so you look like the bigger douchebag if you lose. However, I can stand in say in all confident that I think I will win, because I hold all the significant advantages.

I have the edge in environment... strategy... planning and preparation...

Obviously, these TREES give me a significant edge, but... you lack the depth of understanding to know HOW. You'll come to find out what a man with a CREATIVE MIND is capable of conjuring under the influence of psychedelics.

And THEN you will be afraid, John... if there isn't already fear lingering in your right now.

Fear of being proven wrong by an idiot stoner with no sense of mind.

(Black sports a shit-eating smirk.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Now, you being your predictable self... I'm sure you'll grace the world with another helping of your sputtering nonsense as you mercilessly butcher the English language in some feeble attempt to make yourself seem SMARTER than everybody else on the planet. No doubt, it will be a great snooze-fest, and I can't wait to miss it completely...

But before you go jumping in front of a camera, lips flapping without rhyme or reason... why not instead just confide in yourself that you have the ability to do this on your own. Then show up, and prove it -- 'nuff said. Do that, and your "creditability" might have a future.

I'll be waiting in the lot with these Christmas Trees, my IMMORTAL ALLIES, and all the happy and creative modifications I made to some of them. Rest assured, John... I've got a few PRESENTS for YOU stashed under these trees!

(He takes a final puff of the joint and salutes a final time to the camera.)

"The Druid" Erik Black
Until next time, stoners! Have a MERRY CANNABIS-MAS!!

(Fade to the cannabis leaf logo.)

420
 

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