The Opening Volley
The Fairmont Washington in Georgetown - Midday
LoC Champ, NEW Champ, and Empire Pro Intercontinental Champ SHAWN JESSICA HART, PhD is kicking back in his underoos, watching the shady exploits Adam Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Adam Newman (daytime's most INSIDIOUS metrosexual) unfold on another thrilling episode of the Young and the Restless.
CLOSE ON: The Phenom as a developing plot rattles him to his core.
Without feeling any semblance of shame over the situation in which NGEN cameras have found him in, Hart turns to the camera and instantly enters promo mode.
SJH: "But NOTHING could be as scandalous as the utter DESTRUCTION that will be imposed by yours truly upon the HEINOUS and viiiiiiiiiiiile FELIX THE HACK! For ours is a bout NOT ONLY built over the last several weeks of the ill-fated WFW:New Era merger, but one that is really SEVERAL YEARS in the making when ya get right down to it."
He licks his lips in a manner most salivatory.
SJH: "Y'see, back when I got my first crack at stardom in this industry, it always seemed like there was something cock-blocking my path. It was the IWF - the SOFTCORE REVOLUTION - and Shawn Jessica Hart was THE GUY who personified the crazy-brazy kinda business we ran. AND YET, whenever the big bounce seemed to have its sights set on me, some JACKHOLE saw fit to STEAL the spotlight that undeniably belonged to me.
First it was Lost Worlds, then it was Ruger, then came Larry Tact and his bosom buddy SUICIDE. Not to mention the Borinator Jean Rabesque and the heat killer Michael Manson. Hell, I would BEAT these guys in the ring and somehow they STILL got their duckets before I did! Aaand if it seems like you're seeing a pattern here, it's because you ARE.... the common thread being that each and every one of these wacked-out wankers that held me down are DEAD AND BURIED!"
He nods his head in self-agreement.
SJH: "While I've gone one to carve out a DECADE of domination, a #1 world-ranking, and sooooooooo many godd(FCC)mn titles I can't even remember half of them, this whole sorry lot of LOSERS has faded away into oblivion, NEVER to be heard from again. ALL OF THEM utterly usurped by the JIGGY FRESHNESS of SJH in aaaaaaaaall his glory..."
Hart takes a breath.
SJH: "Well... all of them, that is... 'cept one."
The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister shakes his head in disgust.
SJH: "That one, that FINAL dingleberry on the perfectly formed posterior of my EPIC career... is Felix Red...
He and his CRACK ROCK CROWD pilfered the wind from my sails more times than I can count and, in doing so, PIRATED the goods, the gold, and the GLORY that I was KILLING myself for every night. I mean, I was a Tag champ, the Entertainment champ, the champ of the Far East, and the one guy who took just about EVERY World Champion that place had and beat the holy HELL from them. But SOMEHOW.... some way... Felix's motley crew of f(FCC)ck-ups aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalways got top-billing!"
He grits his teeth in nerd rage.
SJH: "Which is why I'm here, SPURNING the sights and sounds of our nation's capitol and learning from the ULTIMATE master of deception and debauchery-"
SJH shoots a quick glance at the nefarious Mr. Wilson's soap opera shenanigans, then quickly returns to form.
SJH: "..so that when we finally go toe-to-toe for that strap he's wearing, I can MURDER him in STYLE! Cuz aaaaaaanything in this world worth doing is worth doing while LOOKIN' GOOD! And whether you like it or not, I'm the BEST DAMN LOOKIN' dude this side of the Delaware! Call it a mockery, call it an OUTRAGE, I call it the truth!! And the TRUTH of the matter, Mr. Red, is that you're livin' on borrowed time bub. I've had this beating on the books since the late 90's.. and the time has come, at LOOOOOOOONG LAST, for me to get my date with destiny, take this utterly GLAMOROUS fist of mine, and shove it sooooooooo far up your ASS that your TONSILS will shoot out your nose!!"
Hart rises from his chair. In doing so, his genitals flop out through the opening in his shorts, but censors are quick to blur the "Hart Throb" out.
SJH: "...And then I'll round those tonsils up, put 'em in a bag, put them on e-bay, put in the winning bid, buy them back, box them 'em, send them to myself, gather them back up, throw 'em on the barbecue, and fiiiiiinally SERVE THEM to myself on the golden plates of my newly-won NGEN title with some fava bean and a nice chi-ANT-e!!"
The Phenom hisses with his tongue into the camera.
SJH: "Bottom line - your BUM is gum and I'M gonna CHEW IT!
The PHENOM has left the building!"