Copycat
(Fadein, "Mateo's Pub", Las Vegas, Nevada. The camera looks around, catching the usual broken glass, turned over tables, busted light bulbs as it finds our hero in the back, playing bumper pool with his new lady friend. While standing behind her, he holds a cue stick and watches her bend over, a singular light bulb swaying back and forth above them, flickering.)
MATEO: Lemme gate thes strait, Derka-Derka....deadjah jest sai youse planed tah-crab mah ass?? Ahs gaht noose fer youse Derka-Derka, an' ahs height tah desa-pintcha....
(Mateo makes a motion towards his "date".)
Ass youse cane seh...Ahm awls ah-bowt tha poon-tang.
Bet eh-nuff ov thayt, ahs rally hab udder thangs tah doo....naymleh her...
(Mateos' "date" looks up at the "mention" of her, but he quickly segues and brushes it off. She returns to playing as he continues on.)
Ya nose sahm-thane thair', Derka-derka?? Thayms' pay-pulls...thay lahk tah sai thayt Imeh-tay-shun...wail...thayts tha baste form o' flatt'ry. Bet youse naids'-tah un'rstain....
Thair' ken onleh beh WAN...Er'k Mah-Teh-yo.
An' youse loohken ayt 'em.
See...youse maht hayve an ishue weth ol' "Poppah-Sqwuat" thar....bet youse naids-tah 'member sahm-thane....
AH'M tha wan youse fahten' en thayt thar' skwared-serkle....naht haim.
Bet mebbeh eff yer retched lil' fren' caynt handel yer seester...mebbeh ah's cayne gib har' sahm o' tha' ol' "Mah-teh-yo-Mahjick", eff youse nose whut ahm sai-yen??
An' ah nose thayt youse do...nards lahk youse alsways doo.
Bet tha thang es...youse cane sai whut youse wontah ah-bowt howl-ah toke....whut youse file tah reelahz, es ahm tha baste mahther-fahker thes cahm-neh hahs eber sein.
Thayt chump Veddi Vetti Seddi, heh cane sai whut heh wonts weth tha Em'rold Ciddeh Cham'shep, bet thayt rang en thar...beh-lowngsta meh.
Howl-eber...thayt duzz brangtah mahnd....tha laced tard thayt spoke prowd fer thaym darteh Mesk-kins ober-sees?? Lest jest sai thay no lownger 'er eh-bowl tah CHOO sawlids.
Eff youse dohnt gate thayt...thane mebbe ah shood habba toke weth ol' Margret Cho ah-bowt tha staind-erds 'rown' hair.
Dohn wont comp'tishun tah tah gate waddered dayown....
Bet ahm ramblen...tha pint es Derka-Derka...Ah'm whutcha cole ah WHENNER.
Ah'm ah proofen fahter en tha Ah-dubya-if....yer naht.
Bet youse goan an' drenk-ahp, feller....habba feyew tah fail brain stainkin' gnew....jes' 'member...
Ahben doowen thes fer alout lowngah thane youse hab....ahm gownah LAFFEN YER PHASE...eff youse cahm ahp shart. Youse nose wha??
Beh-cuz youse caynt drank lahk meh, fer wan....
(Mateo reaches over to the counter next to him and quickly pours two shots of Vodka and Scotch, downing each one without skipping a beat, one right after the other. He wipes his mouth with the back of his free hand and gives the camera the finger, smiling all the same.)
EM: An' sehconleh...beh-cuz youse jest thank ets DUDLEH thayt ahm gown lehtcha wain.
An' ain't wan bastetard hair thayt thanks thayt why.
Nahw...ahs dowan lahk Duckless aneh-mer thane youse doo...bet byichin' ah-bowt 'em ain't gon' gitcha aneh-closah tah beeten' meh.
Ah main e'rbeh thangtah thes comp'neh, an' ta late ah chumnp lahk youse tah yoose MEH lahk ah STEEPEN-STOWN??
Ahsah tick mahsef tah REHAV BALLUN-TEAREH-LEE beh-fer ahs late thayt hafpen.
Ehberry bodeh nose thayt.
Afptar-werds...wayne mah hane es razed, an' ahm tha whenner an' NAHT youse...youse cane hab yorse ray-vinj, Derka, an' ahsah eben hyep-ya own tha why ahtta thar', mah'sef...
Youse jest naht gownah lahk tha' trains-per-tai-shun.
FADEOUT