LQJT86C
Where's my money, Chad?
(CUTTO: PROBLEM CHILD)
PC: You fags better recognize who I am. DO YOU know who I am? Oh gee, I dunno, lemme think...hmm...who am I? Oh, that's right...I'M the guy who everybody in this damn company is scared to face.
Kinda like the reason I won't adopt red-headed kids, cause those brats all remind me of Chucky...
Nobody here is willing to adopt a match with this Problem Child, because they know what's gonna happen. They'll be all like, "Dur, this guy is named after a bad John Ritter movie...he sucks!" AND THEN I'M GONNA PLAY YOU LIKE ROLF PLAYS THE FFFFFF*CKING PIANO! YEAH!
Seriously...do you really wanna lose to a guy named Problem Child? Of course you don't. I'm bad for the industry, 'cause I do crap like mentioning talent from other companies. HORNET HORNET HORNET, CRAIG MILES, JOE TO THE PLUMBER, SHANE SOUTHERN, CSWA, RED MIDGET, DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS, DOC SILVER, MARCUS WESTCAAAHHHHT! Sorry, Jason Payne's talking through a microphone lodged in my throat. That sack of dogsh*t better lose to the Krusher...I'm riding Vegas odds all the way to credit card debt freedom.
See? I'm crazy...unhinged...off the wall...off the wall?...OFF THE HOOK'S MORE LIKE IT! Hell, I ain't even the best wrestler, not even close. I'm not gonna be like one of these douches that comes out here, talkin' about how he's got the best toeholds and suplexes and sh*t...I SUCK! But the thing is, as bad as I suck, you all suck worse.
Why else would you all run from me like a black man runnin' from the KAY-KAY-KAY? Aye?
Why else would this league refuse to give me the title shot I so rightfully deserve? Because they know I'll just bring it to NFW so Eddie Mayfield can use it as a doorstop? Pssh...they have no CLUE I'm gonna do that! Wait...is this being recorded? Crap...guess the cat's outta the bag. OK, fine, I hereby swear that when, not IF, but WHEN I win your dumb title, I won't air-mail it to Eddie Mayfield's presidential suite. Cross my heart and hope to die!
Now that we've got that squared away, you fans REALLY need to be there when I finally show up at a WFW...................................................NE event. 'Cause it's gonna be GRAND, UNPRECEDENTED...IT'LL MAKE YOUR CHILDREN WEEP!
Word of advice? Get to the arena...get their early...buy your plane tickets in advance...
And if you ain't flying, grab the kids and fire up the station wagon...
And if you ain't drivin', you peddle that Schwinn as fast you can...
And if you ain't riding the Schwinn, you WALK, Jesus style, in sandals...
And you MAKE-THAT-F*CKING-SHOW!
And if anybody asks, you tell 'em thatcha went to watch Problem Child...the worst wrestler ever to be hyped for an appearance, so he can beat up on some of the worst wrestlers ever to be overhyped for regular appearances...um...YEAH!...you tell 'em THAT!
Unlike some OTHER wrestlers, cough cough, ahem ahem Mr. PAYNE...*I* don't miss appearances on account of some child molester's funeral. Mainly because all the sex offenders I know are still alive. Still, if one of them happened to die, I probably wouldn't attend the services. Even if he was kind enough to trap me and Corey Feldman in a closet and force us to play the broken-glass-on-head game.
Remember kids, you need to be THIS TALL to ride the Problem Child gravy train!
What the...? That had absolutely NOTHING to do with anything! I just said it to sound cool, OK? YOU HAPPY? THERE, I ADMITTED IT! I SAY RANDOM COOL THINGS TO GET OVER, DEAL WITH IT!
Can you? Can you deal with me? Can you deal with the chop-sake PC's got coming your way? Nah, you can't. I'm a carnival, baby, a scream machine and a half! I'm a f*cking laugh riot, I am.
And I'm coming for the title...don't even wanna fight for it, I want it handed to me. Or I'll fight for it. Either way, whatever, I need a cigarette.
Oh right...catchphrase...I'M THE SH*T!
(FADE)
PC: You fags better recognize who I am. DO YOU know who I am? Oh gee, I dunno, lemme think...hmm...who am I? Oh, that's right...I'M the guy who everybody in this damn company is scared to face.
Kinda like the reason I won't adopt red-headed kids, cause those brats all remind me of Chucky...
Nobody here is willing to adopt a match with this Problem Child, because they know what's gonna happen. They'll be all like, "Dur, this guy is named after a bad John Ritter movie...he sucks!" AND THEN I'M GONNA PLAY YOU LIKE ROLF PLAYS THE FFFFFF*CKING PIANO! YEAH!
Seriously...do you really wanna lose to a guy named Problem Child? Of course you don't. I'm bad for the industry, 'cause I do crap like mentioning talent from other companies. HORNET HORNET HORNET, CRAIG MILES, JOE TO THE PLUMBER, SHANE SOUTHERN, CSWA, RED MIDGET, DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS, DOC SILVER, MARCUS WESTCAAAHHHHT! Sorry, Jason Payne's talking through a microphone lodged in my throat. That sack of dogsh*t better lose to the Krusher...I'm riding Vegas odds all the way to credit card debt freedom.
See? I'm crazy...unhinged...off the wall...off the wall?...OFF THE HOOK'S MORE LIKE IT! Hell, I ain't even the best wrestler, not even close. I'm not gonna be like one of these douches that comes out here, talkin' about how he's got the best toeholds and suplexes and sh*t...I SUCK! But the thing is, as bad as I suck, you all suck worse.
Why else would you all run from me like a black man runnin' from the KAY-KAY-KAY? Aye?
Why else would this league refuse to give me the title shot I so rightfully deserve? Because they know I'll just bring it to NFW so Eddie Mayfield can use it as a doorstop? Pssh...they have no CLUE I'm gonna do that! Wait...is this being recorded? Crap...guess the cat's outta the bag. OK, fine, I hereby swear that when, not IF, but WHEN I win your dumb title, I won't air-mail it to Eddie Mayfield's presidential suite. Cross my heart and hope to die!
Now that we've got that squared away, you fans REALLY need to be there when I finally show up at a WFW...................................................NE event. 'Cause it's gonna be GRAND, UNPRECEDENTED...IT'LL MAKE YOUR CHILDREN WEEP!
Word of advice? Get to the arena...get their early...buy your plane tickets in advance...
And if you ain't flying, grab the kids and fire up the station wagon...
And if you ain't drivin', you peddle that Schwinn as fast you can...
And if you ain't riding the Schwinn, you WALK, Jesus style, in sandals...
And you MAKE-THAT-F*CKING-SHOW!
And if anybody asks, you tell 'em thatcha went to watch Problem Child...the worst wrestler ever to be hyped for an appearance, so he can beat up on some of the worst wrestlers ever to be overhyped for regular appearances...um...YEAH!...you tell 'em THAT!
Unlike some OTHER wrestlers, cough cough, ahem ahem Mr. PAYNE...*I* don't miss appearances on account of some child molester's funeral. Mainly because all the sex offenders I know are still alive. Still, if one of them happened to die, I probably wouldn't attend the services. Even if he was kind enough to trap me and Corey Feldman in a closet and force us to play the broken-glass-on-head game.
Remember kids, you need to be THIS TALL to ride the Problem Child gravy train!
What the...? That had absolutely NOTHING to do with anything! I just said it to sound cool, OK? YOU HAPPY? THERE, I ADMITTED IT! I SAY RANDOM COOL THINGS TO GET OVER, DEAL WITH IT!
Can you? Can you deal with me? Can you deal with the chop-sake PC's got coming your way? Nah, you can't. I'm a carnival, baby, a scream machine and a half! I'm a f*cking laugh riot, I am.
And I'm coming for the title...don't even wanna fight for it, I want it handed to me. Or I'll fight for it. Either way, whatever, I need a cigarette.
Oh right...catchphrase...I'M THE SH*T!
(FADE)
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