[updated:LAST EDITED ON Aug-20-03 AT 05:22 PM (EST)](Cueup: "The People" by The Music)
(Fade in to what appears to be a tape from the latest edition of Riptide. We seem to be watching the Television Title match between Nemesis and "Stupendous" Stephen Morgan. On one side of the ring, we see Cannonball Kidd having a philosophical discussion with the referee. On the other side, Nemesis is going after Stephen Morgan, when out of nowhere, "Man of Action" Joe Clarke blindsides him with the GLCW Television Title belt. The tape then pauses. The camera pans back to show that the match being shown was actually being displayed on a large-screen television in some sort of office-looking room. As the camera continues to pan back, we can see assorted wrestling posters and paraphrenalia around the room, as well as some items clearly there simply to convey that the person responsible for the decoration is very, very deep; large books, thought-provoking posters, et cetera. As the camera continues its panning, we see "Man of Action" Joe Clarke sitting in a chair fairly close to the television. He wears jeans and a black T-shirt that looks like it's much too tight for his impressive frame. Cannonball Kidd, wearing his wrestling gear [isn't he always?], walks into the shot with a television remote in one hand and a clipboard with a sheet of paper on it in the other. He sets the remote on top of the television and speaks to Clarke)
Cannonball Kidd: See...here's the first of the problems we need to work on here. You don't have too much trouble keeping your um...what was it...
(Cannonball glances at the clipboard briefly, then back up at Clarke)
Cannonball Kidd: That's right, that's right. So, you don't have too much trouble keeping your (making quote marks with fingers) "unstoppable rage" in check when you're being reminded to do so.
Cannonball Kidd: That's a good start. But the trouble is, it seems that no one reminds you not to unleash said rage on whatever target happens to present itself except for me, and as we see in this tape, I'm not always available for those purposes. We've already seen that, at this stage in the game, telling you in advance not to give in to your (making quote marks with fingers) "unstoppable rage" when the feelings start isn't enough to convince you not to do it. And that's okay...neither of us expected to be able to get rid of the rage so quickly. But we do need to get it worked out as soon as possible, because it causes problems.
(Cannonball picks up the remote and presses the fast-forward button)
Cannonball Kidd: Now, let's skip forward a little here and show you a more ideal method.
(Cannonball hits the play button. The clip shows Clarke and Jarod Poe about to start fighting. Cannonball gets between them and restrains Clarke, preventing a brawl from breaking out, at least until Larry Tact appears and attacks Poe. Cannonball pauses the tape again and puts the remote back on the television)
Cannonball Kidd: See there? Now, you might say that the only thing that protected Jarod Poe from another sound thrashing was the fact that I held you back. But think about it. That's giving you NO credit, and the fact is, you deserve credit for not ripping Poe apart here. Yes, I did hold you back. But bear in mind, you outweigh me by over one hundred pounds. You could have easily flung me aside and demolished Poe. But instead, you listened to me and acknowledged that crushing Poe again would have only caused a worse debacle than the one already taking place in the match. So what did you show?
(Clarke thinks for a moment. Cannonball doesn't give him a chance to answer)
Cannonball Kidd: SELF-CONTROL! You controlled yourself, even if you did need my help to do it. In fact, you might say that, with some assistance from my program for self-actualization, you STOPPED yourself from laying waste to Jarod Poe. And since you stopped yourself, that means that you've taken the first step towards controlling your violent temper. If you'll look at my notes here, you'll see...
(Cannonball shows Clarke the clipboard)
Cannonball Kidd: ...that I've downgraded you from "unstoppable rage" to "murderous rage." Congratulations! You've taken yet another step towards self-actualization!
(Clarke pumps his fist triumphantly)
Cannonball Kidd: And guess what? I've got more good news! You see, I fully realize that if I allow your (making quote marks with fingers) "murderous rage" to stay bottled up, it will eventually become unstoppable again. You can't just IGNORE your anger...it has to be vented, one way or another.
Cannonball Kidd: And while I, as a self-actualized man, have discovered a myriad of constructive ways of dealing with the little disappointments and annoyances in my life, you aren't at that stage yet. So you'll be pleased to know that, for the next edition of Riptide, you and I have been given a tag match against a team named...
(Cannonball glances at his clipboard, then looks back up)
Cannonball Kidd: ...Major Impact. Clearly, the GLCW management has granted us this match as an opportunity for you to vent your (making quote marks with fingers) "murderous rage" on a couple of expendable opponents. This way, instead of simply attacking whoever's convenient, you have some assigned opponents to annihilate! Not only will this help you to establish yourself as a GLCW competitor, but it'll give you AMPLE opportunity to vent the directionless anger that courses through your veins and poisons your mind!
(Clarke rubs his hands together in anticipation)
Cannonball Kidd: All right. Next time, we'll discuss why it's bad to interfere in my matches when I have everything well in hand. But I think that's enough for today's session. So just don't forget...don't unleash your (making quote marks with fingers) "murderous rage" on just anyone. Wait for an appropriate setting in which to release it. Because remember, we're in an era where too many people simply hide behind their words, and times like these call for a Man of-
(Clarke interrupts Cannonball, springing out of his chair and knocking it over. Cannonball jumps back a little)
[updated:LAST EDITED ON Aug-25-03 AT 07:44 PM (EST)](.....Camera fades into a GLCW interview set where we see Major Impact and General Johnny Wildside.....)
GENERAL: Well, well, well. The Movement are the new GLCW tag team champions. Did you boys enjoy your surprise at the end of your match? I sure hope so. We enjoy delivering the kind of surprises that leave you two scrubs looking up at the lights....
And this match with Kidd and Clarke....also known as Jobbers-R-Us....is just a tune-up match before our tag team title match.
We are going to be in Champaign, Illinois.....home of the legendary Chicago Bears.....the monsters of the Midway. Well, we are the monsters....of the GLCW midway. Kidd and Clarke, you're already a memory here in Great Lakes Championship Wrestling. We've already beaten Southern Thunder and where are they? GONE! What about the Oak Street Beach Patrol? GONE! And Martial Law? GONEROOSKI! Seeing a pattern here, boys? When a tag team faces us, then they get so spooked they never return.
Major Impact is the hungriest they've ever been....and now our goal is in sight. Kidd, Clarke, know that when you face us, you are facing the future GLCW Tag Team Champions! Tell em', Ric....
RIC: Boys......you know what I love more than life itself? Kickin' the ##### of a couple of punks like Kidd and Clarke. We've already beaten the other scrub tag teams here in Great Lakes. So what's one more before the greatest Tag Team Title match in the history of GLCW. Tell em' Johnny.....
JON: Ric....General....we can't be held responsible for the broken bones, pain, and....bleeeeding.....that Kidd and Clarke are going to experience at our hands. And looking beyond them, we can't be responsible for The Movement wetting all over themselves when we beat the living hell outta them. We knew coming in to GLCW that we would change the tag team scene.....now we're going to dominate the tag team title picture. So all of you little girls enjoy cheering for Kidd and Cannonball....Jobbers R Us.....and then we'll laugh hysterically as you all cry for your fallen "heroes" as they're carried out on a stretcher.....and they will be carried out on a stretcher.....guaranteed!
GENERAL: Remember, boys.....we're going to have a Major Impact on the tag team scene here in GLCW. We've done it before....and we're gonna do it again!!!!!
[updated:LAST EDITED ON Aug-22-03 AT 11:59 PM (EST)](Cueup: "Inspire" by Cave In)
(Fade in to what looks like another tape from the Wisconsin Dells Riptide. This time, it's showing the Great Lakes Heavyweight Title match between Maelstrom and Cannonball Kidd. The tape is beginning right as Maelstrom limps into the ring and he is set upon by the Kidd. After a few moments, the clip is paused. The camera then zooms out; we appear to be in the same setting used for the previous promo. "Man of Action" Joe Clarke once again sits in a chair very close to the TV, wearing street clothes and his trademark face paint, and Cannonball Kidd once again walks onscreen holding a clipboard and TV remote, wearing his wrestling gear. He briefly glances at the clipboard before addressing Clarke)
Cannonball Kidd: Well...before we start, I have some good news for you. Our opponents for Riptide, Major Impact, finally spoke up. And there's now no doubt in my mind that I was right about what I said during our last session.
(Clarke cocks his head to the side as though curious)
Cannonball Kidd: If you'll recall, I asserted that they are clearly being used as cannon fodder - no pun intended - for your (making quote marks with fingers) "murderous rage." And while I really had no proof to back it up at the time aside from the GLCW management's tendency to always do what is best for me, after viewing Major Impact's promo, I am now certain that my analysis of their role was accurate. I present as proof this name that they repeatedly referred to us by.
(Cannonball shows Clarke the clipboard and points to something on it. Clarke makes a sort of grunt that sounds like his best attempt at laughter)
Cannonball Kidd: Yes. Creative, isn't it? "Jobbers-Backwards R-Us?" And, as you might expect, it was accompanied by the usual drivel. They cited victories over competitors who clearly joined GLCW sheerly out of boredom and were better cut out to be waiters to begin with, they threatened to cripple us, et cetera...
(Clarke looks quizzically at Cannonball)
Cannonball Kidd: Yes, I can see why you might find it confusing that they would threaten to cripple US. I mean, the fact of the matter is that you've got the physical capability AND the mindset to be the most dangerous man in GLCW, and Major Impact should be thanking their lucky stars that I'm around to prevent something terrible from happening. But regardless, this is JUST the sort of generic response that marks wrestlers as cannon fodder, and I'm confident that GLCW's sacrifice of Major Impact for the greater good of you and me will work out just splendidly.
Cannonball Kidd: I do feel some empathy for the guys, though. They're used to being some of the top dogs in the GLCW tag team division, and it's going to be devastating to them when they realize that's only because the majority of the wrestlers in this league's tag team division are just guys who are too dull to participate in its more prestigious singles divisions. But that's the way it goes, I guess. Nothing I can do about it.
(Clarke thinks for a moment, then raises a finger as though a proverbial light bulb has appeared above his head. Before he can talk, though, Cannonball cuts him off)
Cannonball Kidd: ...Of COURSE! How could I forget? There's ALWAYS something I can do about it! I've been putting so much of my concentration into quelling your (making quote marks with fingers) "murderous rage" that I forgot the commitment I have to helping the rest of the wrestlers in GLCW! Just because Major Impact are going to be used as cannon fodder for you, that doesn't mean I can't help them! I mean, I'm not going to be able to do as much to reduce the pervasive fury that dictates your every move, but I can do a thing or two to make Major Impact's forthcoming loss signficantly less painful for their collective self-esteem! You're okay with that, right?
Cannonball Kidd: I mean, what we've got here are two guys and a misguided manager, built up to the point of perceived invincibility by a simple lack of competition. The first step in bringing them to the self-actualization that I know they crave inside is simple acknowledgement of their mediocrity. It'll be a hard revelation at first, but it's all for the better. Once they figure out their weaknesses, they can work on phasing those out and focusing on their strengths. If that works out, it could be the start of a revival for GLCW's tag team division. And if they're smart enough to realize their faults and ask for my help, it WILL work out. Oh, it's brilliant...
(Cannonball pauses, seeming to catch himself)
Cannonball Kidd: I'm sorry, I'm ignoring you. But this new idea has just captivated me, that's all. Tell you what, we'll have this session on why it's bad to interfere in matches when I have them well in hand later. I want to work on my new plan here...I think Major Impact, and really the entire GLCW tag team division, could benefit from it. Just think...all this time, the only thing the tag team division here has been missing is a Man...wi--
(Clarke jumps out of his chair, knocking it over, and interrupts Cannonball)
Joe Clarke: --OF ACTION!
(Cannonball, somewhat surprised, doesn't finish his sentence)
(.....as the Camera fades into a GLCW ring set up in the training center, Wildside and Major Impact are seen standing in front of the ring, being interviewed by Rick Wisemann....)
RW: We've just seen another stellor promo from Cannonball Kidd and Jay Clarke.....your thoughts......
GENERAL: I've got a thought for ya, Rick! How about "woo woo woo woo....."
JON SAVAGE: Don't you see, Wiseass, it's the two stooges. Kidd and Clarke. We finally figured it out. There's no "murderous rage." That's just a cover for slapstick! GLCW put us in the ring with two comedians. Well, fellas, the jokes on you....and we're the PUNCH LINE......
GENERAL: See, slick Rick, it's awfully hard to laugh with all of your teeth punched out. In this very ring right here, Kidd and Clarke are going to discover that we're going to have the last laugh by beating them decisively.....
RIC SAVAGE: Not only beating them, but HURTING THEM, as well.....to the point that they're UNRECOGNIZABLE.....!!!!!
RW: What's that going to accomplish????
GENERAL: It's just going to make sure that we have a clean shot at the Movement for the tag-team straps....that nothing or nobody's going to stand in our way. What Kidd and Clarke don't seem to understand is that we were the innovators of "murderous rage". I mean, we were kickin' ### before ### kickin' was cool. Guys, instead of calling yourselves Kidd and Clarke, you should really think about calling yourselves Curly and Moe......
RW: That's just plain disrespectful!
JON SAVAGE: No, it isn't. Disrespectful is when we beat those two jobbers in the center of the ring like they were nothin.
(.....the trio leaves as Wiseman shakes his head......)
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