A Typical Exchange
(Smoke dissipates, and clarity ensues to the lazy riffs of Sleep's stoner anthem, "The Druid". We're in a place that the mind rarely goes to... but only under the right circumstances. It's a place where all knowledge is clear and present, and all sight is limitless and ever-present. It's a place where only the strong of mind and persistence dare tread.)
(...it just so happens that the place looks like the back of a pizzeria.)
(In that place stands "THE DRUID" ERIK BLACK... releasing a tremendous cloud of smoke off a hit from a spliff in his right hand. He grins, goat-like, from under a pair of aviator sunglasses.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
A sacred pilgrimage to MEMPHIS resulted in what one could call an awesome night, complimented with an awesome out-of-body experience. I ventured from one end of the astral ocean to the other, and went beyond... seeing worlds beyond our own time and space, and discovering the secrets of the human race.
And at some point during all of that, I had a match... that I won, which made the night that more awesome.
(He takes another steady hit... draws it in... exhales with barely a choke...)
"The Druid" Erik Black
I can't really put into words the TSUNAMI of thoughts and emotions that overwhelmed my small and insignificant human psyche as I stood there in the ring under the influence of boomers... standing tall, exhausted, bruised, yet VICTORIOUS over my felled opponent, amid THOUSANDS of screaming spectators...
I felt like being a gladiator in an ancient coliseum, surrounded by shrieking monkeys in human's clothing. I was also fifteen feet tall.
(The sound of someone choking on a hit draws the camera's attention briefly. Sitting up against the wall between the dumpster and the restaurants back door is the pizza delivery dude, getting an obligatory smoke-for-a-slice.)
Pizza Delivery Dude
That’s far out, man...
(Taking a bite out of the pepperoni slice he took out of the trade, Erik regains the attention of the camera.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the astral voyage that awaits me at the MOUNT of ROSES in Illinois! Thanks to a handshake agreement with a hot executive with a French last name, I've got a fat paycheck waiting for me if I shuffle my shit into the ring with a walking, talking Ken doll named after a city.
A Texan city, no less!
So, rather than befit a paying audience with a complete and utter snooze-fest, they're stickin' me in the ring with this corn-fed mongoloid... I guess just to make things a little more interesting.
Fortunately for those powers that be, I do more than make things interesting. I make things mind-expanding! I push the human psyche beyond its natural scope and limitations, by doing the unknown and the unthinkable!
Pizza Delivery Dude
...like, vampire powers?
"The Druid" Erik Black
Oh dude, FUCK you kids and your damned New Moon hogwash! I'm talking, Four-Twenty Splashes through a bunch of stacked tables! SUPER MOONSAULTS off the World's Finest ERA-tron through a bunch of light-tubes and fireworks! Submissions so whacked out, you'll wonder how his HEAD doesn't just RIP OFF at the mandible from the VIOLENT FORCE wringing it back!
I'm going to bring a fight to that match that will blow Tyler Houston's fragile little mind right outta the cornfield back home on the farm and into a bright and beautiful new world that I live in on a daily basis.
(The back door promptly swings open. Both men quickly hide their joints behind their backs as the Manager appears with a stack of pizzas.)
The Manager
Hey dude... it's time to get off your ass and get back to work! This pizza needs to get to the BUS STATION, pronto!
It's for some foreign guy... NICK TITAN, something or other. Has extra mushrooms on it.
"The Druid" Erik Black
That's my cue!
(The delivery dude grabs the pizza as the manager goes back inside. He's about to head to his car when Erik flashes him his spliff.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Say, bro... I'll spot you a fat tip if you give me a lift. I happen to be headed that way.
Pizza Delivery Dude
Sure, dude... hop in!
(Throwing back the sleeves of his sanctimonious bathrobe in a completely unnecessary overly-dramatic fashion, "The Druid" Erik Black walks with groove after the delivery dude as they go to his powder blue Stanza.)
420
