The New Stoner Sun Rising
(Somewhere in the world, a feint trail of butane ignites from a spark of flint. The flame hovers in the air, orange and hot, lighting the very tip of a finely-rolled cigarette of Bubble Kush encased in a Zig-Zag rolling paper.)
(Scarred lungs draw breath. The tip of the spliff flares.)
(Two point five million light years away from right now, a supernova ignites in the core of the Andromeda Galaxy, forcing one trillion stars to wink out in unison. Mankind will not discover this astronomical catastrophe for another twenty-five hundred millennia.)
(That's a lot of Jesuses...)
(Back on Earth now... two smoke-filled lungs exhale. A parched voice HACKS uncontrollably. Five seconds later, a throat clears itself. Two seconds later, a universe expands.)
(A yellow sun peaks over a black horizon, the rays of new daylight touching the planet's virgin soil.)
(The camera zooms out slightly, revealing this image to be the reflection cast by the lens of a broad set of aviator sunglasses. The camera zooms further to reveal the shaded and unkempt face of "THE DRUID" ERIK BLACK...)
(With the camera right on him, continuing to zoom out, he defiantly raises the joint and takes another heroic drag, filling his scarred lungs with sacred smoke, as well as filling his frail human mind with extraordinary ideas. As the camera catches him in full view, he appears clad in a garishly ugly silk floral print shirt, faded jeans, and moccasin slippers; it literally looks as though a thrift store threw up on him. He is outdoors, standing triumphantly with his arms crossed, gazing lightyears into the cosmos... seeing beyond what mortal eyes can see... knowing all that mortal minds could not ever know...)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Here on this Spaceship we call the Earth... we see the Sun rise over the horizon. In the eyes of the insignificant lifeform that identifies itself as homo sapien, a new day and new beginning is born every time we see that glowing yellow ball ascend into the infinity.
But none of that's really true, is it? Thanks to modern science, we've learned that there is nothing "new" with the changing of the day. We've learned that the light of the Sun is merely shining down on a different part of the planet as it makes its endless circular expedition.
Therefore, I don't see new days or new beginnings; just the one, long day that never ends, where the only thing changing is the scenery that surrounds you.
I'd say the same thing about my coming to WFW:NE.
(His head slowly turns on his shoulders so that his reddened eyes, unseen behind the mirror-like sunglasses, fall upon the camera. The corners of his mouth pull back into a stoner's smirk.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Before we get any further into this, I think it's necessary that you know just WHO you're all dealing with. That way, we can cut down on any further confusion...
I'm sure a few of you may know me already as the tag team sensation under the man-given nomenclature of "ERIK BLACK." Frankly, it's an unassuming and boring name, one that I've been stuck with now for nearly a quarter of a century since I was born in the Holy Land of LEBANON, but I've long felt that people should be identified by what they DO as opposed to how society chooses to label them.
After a lengthy spell while under the affects of mushrooms, I attained a higher state of spiritual and mental existence, helping me to realize that names are worthless. Which is why I've come here to WFW:NE, alone, under the title of "THE DRUID".
Why "The Druid"? Well... I could try explaining it, but much of what I say will be over your heads anyhow. That's the drawback of being the kind of person that looks at the world through an altered state of mind. Instead, I'll just give you three different possible explanations, and you can take your pick...
(To prepare himself for this, he takes in another mighty hit... holds it in for several moments... lets it escape, forming a nebula of smoke that fades into the atmosphere. His shades don't leave the camera.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
NUMBER ONE...
I'm paying tribute to the second song off of Sleep's Holy Mountain, which is, in my ever-so insignificant opinion, the GREATEST and MOST INFLUENTIAL stoner rock album ever produced
I'll read from the ANCIENT TEXT now...
(By "ancient text", of course he's referring to the record sleeve, which seemingly materializes in his hand as he just pulls it into the frame from off-camera and flips it open. He clears his throat before reading out loud...)
"The Druid" Erik Black
"Far within the oaken tower
"Exists the one with evil power
"Magic channeler of earth's frustration
"The Druid sleeps in meditation"
(A smile spreads across his face as he tosses the sleeve aside.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
That alone should give you a pretty clear idea on what I'm about.
Onto NUMBER TWO...
According to Wikipedia, the druids were an ancient race of religiously devout scholars within the Celtic culture, around the first century. They were suppressed by the expansion of the Holy Roman Empire, and were practically eked out of existence.
Kinda like us stoners being suppressed by the MAN and its conformity machine...
Anyhow, Druidism would eventually see a renaissance in the 18th century, where they became more commonly known as their modern stereotypes... wards and protectors of all things in the realm of nature.
(He chuckles slightly, holding up the spliff.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
I myself have taken a liking to GREEN things.
Finally, NUMBER THREE...
I've got a Level 80 Feral Druid in World of Warcraft. Full 25-Man Ulduar gear, and my arena "Five-Vee-Five" team is ranked in the top 50,000 WORLDWIDE! So chew on THAT!
(Drag... hold... exhale. The universe expands.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
So now that THAT'S out of the way... let's talk about what brings me HERE... to World's Finest Wrestling: The New ERA...
(He stands for a bit with his mouth hanging open, as if his mind suddenly draws a completely blank.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
...well, you know... now that I think about it... I'M not even sure why I'm here.
That's the drawback of my lifestyle, I suppose. In my constant search for universal knowledge and absolute omniscience through the use of mind-altering substances, I have seen and understood things that average people have not... yet have never had a clear direction in where my life is taking me. The way I figure it, Earth's probably on a collision course with an asteroid... so in the end, nothing I do will have mattered, as the entire human race will have been erased from the universe in the blink of an eye, as though they had never been.
I'm just here on this planet, doing whatever I feel like doing at the time. I think I may have just thrown the names of a bunch of random federations in a hat and this was the one that turned up.
That's kind of the way I prefer it. There's no "plan" or "mission"... no hollow claims of greatness, or proving myself. I'm here completely by random--just like our race, just like our galaxy... everything is a byproduct of orderly occurrences in a state of chaos. Where it goes from here... anyone can say.
(Shaking his head in amazement, he takes another drag.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Pretty fuckin' FAR OUT, man...
(He nearly hacks up a lung as he lets it out.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Ugh... excuse me...
Anyway, in my grand debut, I find myself stuck with the lowly task of jerking the curtain for the rest of RAUCOUS.
Now, if I were your typical 'roid-monkey, I'd be standing here talking about how I'd probably deserve better or some generic crap like that... but honestly, that's not what I'm about. I'm the new guy on the scene, and I'm fully ready and willing to go through the standard induction ceremonies to join the WFW:NE fraternity.
If that means entertaining only the few hardcore fans that get to their seats early while the rest of the capacity crowd is in line to get their popcorn, then hey, man... that ain't a prob. The minds in control of the federation have put it on ME to ensure that I give this episode of RAUCOUS an opening match that properly warms up the crowd for the rest of the show, and I'm going to give it to them.
Hell, I might just give them a bit MORE...
(He flashes the completely cheesed stoner smirk.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
The way I see it, I'm in a prime position to make an entrance that even would etch itself eternally into the mind of even the most forgetful stoner with short-term memory loss. Let's say I go out there and bust out some crazy moves and just turn everybody's face fuckin' white...
What then? Well, at that point, Joe Wrestling-Fan Shmoe comes back to his seat with his huge bucket of popcorn, which was so much more important to him at that moment than watching the likely boring dark match... and the guy next to him, who sat there and witnessed the whole thing--eyes buggin' out, hair turned white--looks over and says, "Dude... you just missed the greatest goddamn wrestling match in the history of the universe."
From that point on, Joe Wrestling-Fan Shmoe will ruefully live out the rest of his insignificant years on this ever-revolving Spaceship around the Sun... forever thinking to himself, "I missed the debut of 'The Druid' Erik Black... the single moment in this endless day that professional wrestling was changed forever."
There's no better way to create buzz than to leave every person who overlooks me to regret having done so.
More buzz equals more sales in merchandise.
(He rips open the garish Hawaiian shirt to show he's wearing a 100% cotton "CHRONIC COLLIZION!!" t-shirt, and shilling the hell out of it.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Which means more money.
(He holds up his hand, rubbing the end of his thumb tenderly across the tips of his index and middle fingers. The universal sign for "cash".)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Which means more weed.
(Hits the joint...)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Which means MORE buzz! The OTHER kind of buzz!
(He flashes a grin, and blows the smoke out through his teeth.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Now... I've smoked a shit ton over the past couple weeks... but I could have SWORN when I first looked at the RAUCOUS line-up, I was billed to wrestle someone other than "YOURS TRULY" ADAM BENJAMIN... but I'm guessing that was probably just another hallucination on my part.
Adam... if you're out there and you can hear me... let me be the first to just say...
THANK YOU VERY MUCH... for BLACK SABBATH! Cause if it weren't for England's music scene, this tiny, blue planet would be a much crappier place to be living on.
We can't really say the same about your professional wrestling scene, but uh... hey man, you're trying, and that's what counts, right?
I don't have any beef with you, A Dam that's Been-Jammin'... nor do I hold any turkey or ham, or any other meats, for that matter. I only ask that you show up and give me your best. You might win, you might lose... I dunno, the universe has a way of sorting itself out in the end. All that's important is that we open RAUCOUS with a big bang and set a new universe into motion.
(He raises the glasses, revealing his reddened brown eyes to the camera and winks.)
"The Druid" Erik Black
Because the Sun just rose...
...and I don't want this day to end.
(Black drops the shades in place and stares off into the rising sun once again, taking another drag off the joint as the light fades to black. In an instant, everything is gone.)
