BLACK DAWN: TV Title Match - Irish (c) vs. Hart vs. Cruise vs. Fusenshoff
- Thread starter DBrunkGXW
- Start date
ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
Supah Dupah Fly DOPE Promo~~~!
FADE IN: Former Empire Pro Television Champion, Shawn Jessica Hart, PhD., is kickin' it in the back of a stretch limousine. With sequins on his body and gel in his hair, he is fully prepared for another night at the club and, perhaps, another cavalcade of coital craziness! In the meantime, he spits some game for EPW cameras.
SJH: "So..............................."
Dramatic pause.
SJH: "Black Dawn is here, and DESPITE a streak of shall we say... unfortunate performances, the homeboy in power has apparently decided to throw ol' SJH a bone with a chance to regain his EPW TV title."
He chuckles wryly to himself.
SJH: "Now, the EXPERTS will tell you that I'm probably not gonna win this thing. They'll say I'm washed up, that I should've stayed at home, that as great as I was a couple years back, nowadays I can't win a match to save my life. And ya know what? On the surface, it's not hard to see why they'd think that. I mean each week, I come out and promote the hell out of my match, train reeeeeeeeeeeal hard, and give a yeoman's effort between the bells, and yet... nada. Nothing to show for it. Loss after painstaking loss. So as we head down the road toward another big pay-per-view event and a match against 3 guys that are bona fide superstars in the business, what else would the talking heads have to say about my chances? I'm a loser, a F(FCC)CK UP, a walking cliche with no hope and no future."
The Phenom shakes his head.
SJH: "But ya know what? The one thing I have goin' for me that NOBODY could have ever counted on is the fact that Shawn Hart really doesn't care anymore. I don't care that my fan base has shrunk. I don't care that I seem to lose more than I win anymore. And more than anything else, I don't care that odds say I'll never even SNIFF the world title scene in Empire Pro! The only thing that matters is that I'm here, I'm havin' fun, and as much as the HATERS would like to see it happen, I ain't NEVAH gonna leave! I'm gonna keep on comin' out, hypin' my matches, and doin' things inside the ring and out that only I can do! I may be stuck in the mid-card, but if that's the case... I'm gonna be a mid-card LEGEND, baby!! It's the Phenom FUN BUS of Futility, and all y'all are comin' along for the ride! Who knows... if I keep at it for long enough, I might actually win a few of these things. HELL, maybe I'll even win at Black Dawn!"
Hart nods his head approvingly.
SJH: "Seriously, I've faced all these guys before... and Lord knows I've wrestled in bigger matches. I mean, if one thing has been proven in the world of professional wrestling, it's that a man with nothing to lose is a dangerous man indeed! Not "I forgot my rubber and contracted a mild case of herpes" dangerous, but "Man, I wasn't paying attention and this JACKHOLE snuck up and dropped me on my godd(FCC)mn HEAD!" dangerous! And believe you me, if I catch even ONE of these wankers sleepin' on the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister, you can bet you're booty that I'm gonna do exactly that. Cuz despite the recent slew of setbacks, the cold, hard fact remains that on ANY given night, the Phenom Shawn Hart has the ability to go out there and do something SPECIAL. Not "I hump furniture and can't count to 3." special, more like "I won a million dollars and just banged Angelina Jolie" special! So the question we have to ask ourselves here is will something like that happen at Black Dawn?"
He scratches his chin in a manner most pensive.
HART: "Hard to say, but let's keep one thing in mind here... throughout my illustrious career, during the ups AND the downs, one thing has remained constant: my penchant for surprise. And NOTHING would be more surprising than the Phenom walking into that TV title match, smackin' booty like Benny Hill, walking out with the STRAP, and rejoining the ranks of professional wrestling's elite! So with that said, Cameron Cruise... James Irish... Snoop Shoffy Shoff... BE PREPARED!! I've been up and down these dusty roads more times than I care to admit, but I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve. And if you guys think for ONE SECOND that I won't be using them all to get the job done, you've got another thing comin', nnnnnnnnnnnnnnndaddio!! Call it a mockery, call it an OUTRAGE, call it whatever the hell ya like. I call it the truth! And the truth of the matter here is that my fuel gauge hasn't hit that big letter E just yet. Not by a long shot."
As the limo nears its destination, Hart glances out the window and waves to the small crowd gathered outside the club.
SJH: "So for all you people out there laughing at me, thinkin' that I'm done like dinner, you go'head and keep on with yer bad selves. When I go out there and shock the world ONCE AGAIN, it'll be SJH that gets the last laugh. And it won't be the "Tee hee, you're a wee-nee." kinda laugh... it'll be the "Look who just HIJACKED your belt!" kind!"
Deep breath. BIG FINISH.
SJH: "The PHENOM has left the building!"
FADE OUT.
FADE IN: Former Empire Pro Television Champion, Shawn Jessica Hart, PhD., is kickin' it in the back of a stretch limousine. With sequins on his body and gel in his hair, he is fully prepared for another night at the club and, perhaps, another cavalcade of coital craziness! In the meantime, he spits some game for EPW cameras.
SJH: "So..............................."
Dramatic pause.
SJH: "Black Dawn is here, and DESPITE a streak of shall we say... unfortunate performances, the homeboy in power has apparently decided to throw ol' SJH a bone with a chance to regain his EPW TV title."
He chuckles wryly to himself.
SJH: "Now, the EXPERTS will tell you that I'm probably not gonna win this thing. They'll say I'm washed up, that I should've stayed at home, that as great as I was a couple years back, nowadays I can't win a match to save my life. And ya know what? On the surface, it's not hard to see why they'd think that. I mean each week, I come out and promote the hell out of my match, train reeeeeeeeeeeal hard, and give a yeoman's effort between the bells, and yet... nada. Nothing to show for it. Loss after painstaking loss. So as we head down the road toward another big pay-per-view event and a match against 3 guys that are bona fide superstars in the business, what else would the talking heads have to say about my chances? I'm a loser, a F(FCC)CK UP, a walking cliche with no hope and no future."
The Phenom shakes his head.
SJH: "But ya know what? The one thing I have goin' for me that NOBODY could have ever counted on is the fact that Shawn Hart really doesn't care anymore. I don't care that my fan base has shrunk. I don't care that I seem to lose more than I win anymore. And more than anything else, I don't care that odds say I'll never even SNIFF the world title scene in Empire Pro! The only thing that matters is that I'm here, I'm havin' fun, and as much as the HATERS would like to see it happen, I ain't NEVAH gonna leave! I'm gonna keep on comin' out, hypin' my matches, and doin' things inside the ring and out that only I can do! I may be stuck in the mid-card, but if that's the case... I'm gonna be a mid-card LEGEND, baby!! It's the Phenom FUN BUS of Futility, and all y'all are comin' along for the ride! Who knows... if I keep at it for long enough, I might actually win a few of these things. HELL, maybe I'll even win at Black Dawn!"
Hart nods his head approvingly.
SJH: "Seriously, I've faced all these guys before... and Lord knows I've wrestled in bigger matches. I mean, if one thing has been proven in the world of professional wrestling, it's that a man with nothing to lose is a dangerous man indeed! Not "I forgot my rubber and contracted a mild case of herpes" dangerous, but "Man, I wasn't paying attention and this JACKHOLE snuck up and dropped me on my godd(FCC)mn HEAD!" dangerous! And believe you me, if I catch even ONE of these wankers sleepin' on the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister, you can bet you're booty that I'm gonna do exactly that. Cuz despite the recent slew of setbacks, the cold, hard fact remains that on ANY given night, the Phenom Shawn Hart has the ability to go out there and do something SPECIAL. Not "I hump furniture and can't count to 3." special, more like "I won a million dollars and just banged Angelina Jolie" special! So the question we have to ask ourselves here is will something like that happen at Black Dawn?"
He scratches his chin in a manner most pensive.
HART: "Hard to say, but let's keep one thing in mind here... throughout my illustrious career, during the ups AND the downs, one thing has remained constant: my penchant for surprise. And NOTHING would be more surprising than the Phenom walking into that TV title match, smackin' booty like Benny Hill, walking out with the STRAP, and rejoining the ranks of professional wrestling's elite! So with that said, Cameron Cruise... James Irish... Snoop Shoffy Shoff... BE PREPARED!! I've been up and down these dusty roads more times than I care to admit, but I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve. And if you guys think for ONE SECOND that I won't be using them all to get the job done, you've got another thing comin', nnnnnnnnnnnnnnndaddio!! Call it a mockery, call it an OUTRAGE, call it whatever the hell ya like. I call it the truth! And the truth of the matter here is that my fuel gauge hasn't hit that big letter E just yet. Not by a long shot."
As the limo nears its destination, Hart glances out the window and waves to the small crowd gathered outside the club.
SJH: "So for all you people out there laughing at me, thinkin' that I'm done like dinner, you go'head and keep on with yer bad selves. When I go out there and shock the world ONCE AGAIN, it'll be SJH that gets the last laugh. And it won't be the "Tee hee, you're a wee-nee." kinda laugh... it'll be the "Look who just HIJACKED your belt!" kind!"
Deep breath. BIG FINISH.
SJH: "The PHENOM has left the building!"
FADE OUT.
Last edited:
TSiegel
I spoil things.
Re: Supah Dupah Fly DOPE Promo~~~!
"Good lord Shawn...I gotta tell ya, I really AM ashamed. I expected better than you than that."
(Fadein, Cameron Cruise, dressed in blue jeans, and a blue shirt in front of an Empire Pro Black Dawn backdrop.)
CRUISE: I mean, really....basically all you just said that is you hate being or accused of being a "Has-been", and that you're gonna prove people wrong by sticking around and really putting forth the effort, win or not at Black Dawn.
First of all...been there, done that, and yes...
(Cruise pulls out a T-shirt with the words "Tee-Shirt" on the front and tosses it out of camera view.)
'Cept for the fact that while I HAVE been there, and as Dan Ryan said at Aggression "Loyal since the beginning", people still don't consider me a matter of a threat and that sir...
Is called HYPOCRISY, and it's a MINDBLOWER these days.
But loyalty has nothing to do with why I accepted the title shot at Black Dawn, Shawn, oh no..it's the fact that I'm tired of all the bullsh*t ignorant-patsies around here that assume I'll just move on aside and out of the way for them to take my shot at what's rightfully mine.
And right now, is a shot at becoming a Champion at Black Dawn, something I've yet to accomplish as one of Ryan's "employees", even if I've yet to lose there.
But for anyone that's since forgotten back then, I'm a big Two-And-Oh at Black Dawn, becoming the first-ever Number-One Contender in Empire Pro and of course...
Beating Joey Melton in the Cage, last year.
But this year, presents a different challenge.
For the TV title, another Four-way-title shot, this time winning won't give me the shot, rather than it'll give me the title itself.
But going up against Shawn, Fusenshoff, and James Irish is gonna be alil' bit different than what happened three years ago.
This year actually has competition that I can consider a THREAT.
We've thrown down before Shawn, you're right....but not under these kinda conditions. Don't mistake what I say for what it is though Shawn, you ARE competition....just no better than the next guy. Now whether that guy is you....Beast....Hiroshi....or the Damned up-and-coming Easter Bunny...
Fusenshoff.
What can I say...I don't know ya, but you sound German. Maybe afterwards we can go out and have some Stolichnaya Vodka, my treat. But that's "playtime" and this is business, and as everyone knows...I take care of business first.
Speaking of which...James Irish.
You're lookin' to take care of business with Dan Ryan, and believe me when I tell you...I'm with ya, because we bonded abit.....but when you're in the ring with me, and not on the same side...
That makes things just alittle more difficult to propose a location for a "Post-Match"" beer, doesn't it? Especially when you're the one wearing the title up for grabs around your waist.
(Cruise crosses his arms over his chest and smiles.)
I'll tell you one thing Gentlemen, being two-and-oh brings Confidence to a man, and right now, the Confidence level I have is a SON-OF-A-B*TCH!!
I've never made anything easy on ANYONE thus far sirs, why??
Because it's a REALITY CHECK that you just...won't like.
(Fadeout)
"Good lord Shawn...I gotta tell ya, I really AM ashamed. I expected better than you than that."
(Fadein, Cameron Cruise, dressed in blue jeans, and a blue shirt in front of an Empire Pro Black Dawn backdrop.)
CRUISE: I mean, really....basically all you just said that is you hate being or accused of being a "Has-been", and that you're gonna prove people wrong by sticking around and really putting forth the effort, win or not at Black Dawn.
First of all...been there, done that, and yes...
(Cruise pulls out a T-shirt with the words "Tee-Shirt" on the front and tosses it out of camera view.)
'Cept for the fact that while I HAVE been there, and as Dan Ryan said at Aggression "Loyal since the beginning", people still don't consider me a matter of a threat and that sir...
Is called HYPOCRISY, and it's a MINDBLOWER these days.
But loyalty has nothing to do with why I accepted the title shot at Black Dawn, Shawn, oh no..it's the fact that I'm tired of all the bullsh*t ignorant-patsies around here that assume I'll just move on aside and out of the way for them to take my shot at what's rightfully mine.
And right now, is a shot at becoming a Champion at Black Dawn, something I've yet to accomplish as one of Ryan's "employees", even if I've yet to lose there.
But for anyone that's since forgotten back then, I'm a big Two-And-Oh at Black Dawn, becoming the first-ever Number-One Contender in Empire Pro and of course...
Beating Joey Melton in the Cage, last year.
But this year, presents a different challenge.
For the TV title, another Four-way-title shot, this time winning won't give me the shot, rather than it'll give me the title itself.
But going up against Shawn, Fusenshoff, and James Irish is gonna be alil' bit different than what happened three years ago.
This year actually has competition that I can consider a THREAT.
We've thrown down before Shawn, you're right....but not under these kinda conditions. Don't mistake what I say for what it is though Shawn, you ARE competition....just no better than the next guy. Now whether that guy is you....Beast....Hiroshi....or the Damned up-and-coming Easter Bunny...
Fusenshoff.
What can I say...I don't know ya, but you sound German. Maybe afterwards we can go out and have some Stolichnaya Vodka, my treat. But that's "playtime" and this is business, and as everyone knows...I take care of business first.
Speaking of which...James Irish.
You're lookin' to take care of business with Dan Ryan, and believe me when I tell you...I'm with ya, because we bonded abit.....but when you're in the ring with me, and not on the same side...
That makes things just alittle more difficult to propose a location for a "Post-Match"" beer, doesn't it? Especially when you're the one wearing the title up for grabs around your waist.
(Cruise crosses his arms over his chest and smiles.)
I'll tell you one thing Gentlemen, being two-and-oh brings Confidence to a man, and right now, the Confidence level I have is a SON-OF-A-B*TCH!!
I've never made anything easy on ANYONE thus far sirs, why??
Because it's a REALITY CHECK that you just...won't like.
(Fadeout)
Fusenshoff
League Member
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
-Oscar Wilde
Fade in to Fusenshoff sitting on a bench staring at the San Jacinta Monument in Houston, about 100 yards away. Tired of being yelled at by tour guides for drinking near the landmark, Fusenshoff casually sips from his half-full fifth of blackjack in a paper bag. He looks up at the 570 foot tall monument, the tallest monument in the world, and really seems to appreciate it. Fusenshoff seems more content than usual today.
Fusenshoff: “It’s funny how opportunities usually come when you least expect them. I roll up Jess while he’s arguing with a ref and next thing you know I’m in a Battle Royale (with cheese). I’m in this sport because challenging my threshold against another man is the only time ebullience is an entity in my existence.
“The next opportunity pits my focus, determination, and will to compete against three different men, filling each corner of the ring with varying degrees of opposition.
“This is the closest to heaven I’ll ever get.
“I get to fight three men at a time. There’s no allegiances here, no gargantuan grudges or feuds. Just four men testing the fortitude required to beat-beyond-bearable three bodies at a time. Wow, what a feeling! May the best man win!”
Fusenshoff’s pupils expand as his adrenaline rises at the mere thought of the implications of this rendezvous.
“We have a tale of two tumultuous temperaments. Jess is down in the dumps about his losing streak, and Cruise, you’re pissed because you’ve paid your dues and have missed out on gold like a miner at Sutter’s Mill in 1852.
“Last week Hart put a gash the size of a grapefruit in my forehead courtesy of a temper tantrum. Well Shawn, I forgive you. I have a Salisbury steak, peas and corn on my plate this week. If I focus on the cornball who gouged out a chunk of my temple I’ve got no shot to keep my consciousness at Black Dawn.
“You threw said tantrum because I rolled you up while you were bickering with the referee. See a pattern here, Doc? You’re making dumb mistakes because you’re frustrated instead of focused.
“I noticed a considerably different tone in your last promo. No lighthearted nonsense anymore, you’re mixing it up with sensibility. Yet, you’re a former TV champ, and I bet you were zany and imaginative during this triumphant time. ‘Stick to what got you there’ is on the list of popular cliché’s because it rings true. Maybe you don’t need a new attitude. Just quit living in the past and fretting about your ‘midcard’ status. Go get a massage. Clear your head. Hell, go out and drink yourself silly (it works).
“Show up at Black Dawn with one thing on your mind: leave nothing in that ring.
Fusenshoff is deep in thought as he says this. It’s his whole philosophy, and so obvious, yet the lives of wrestlers are so full of distractions this attitude is often foreign to most.
“Slumps are nothing but excess baggage. Find the nearest dumpster and leave that suitcase for the next hobo collecting cans.
“You feel everyone’s deeming you the underdog. According to the general consensus of the masses- based on your words- a victory for you would be considered a “surprise attack”. Well Jess, regardless of the murmurs from the tabloids, the only person you’ll be surprising with a win here is yourself. We all know what you can do in the ring, and your hand-under-the-skirt approach will undoubtedly leave you scratching the giant welt we leave on your noggin when all is said and done.”
It’s a beautiful day as Fusenshoff sips on his fifth. He focuses his attention on his next opponent in this match.
“Cameron Cruise is confident because of one night’s performance last year and the coincidence that the same result came about from one night’s performance the year before. Never mind the fact coming into this match you’ve been as reliable as Britney Spears working in a nursery. You have more blind faith than a scientologist, my friend. Paying your dues and talent gets you shots like this, but I’m reminded of a poem by J.B. Rittenhouse that pretty much sums up your dilemma:
“For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.”
“Let me paraphrase Cam. You get what you put in pal. Careers in this business are short and cruising on idle is gonna leave you in the wake of men who simply want it more. This isn’t the tortoise and the hare. It’s not one long race. There’s a new race every night, and if you don’t bring a speedboat, you’re bargaining with Life for a Penny.
“Copper isn’t gold Cam.
“Dan has picked us to unseat James Irish from his podium where the TV champ rests. I can’t even afford a television, but I’m around five or six of them every night. I guess he supposes the odds of a shift in tides increases dramatically with extra obstacles for James to overcome. Regardless, I’m in this match with one notch in the win column. I haven’t paid my dues, and I admit, I love the fact that this means jack sh*t. All that matters is my performance in the ring, and nothing can change that. That’s all that has ever mattered to me. That’s all that ever will matter. The belt is a status symbol, and I could care less about my status. I care about getting between those ropes and surprising myself with what I can accomplish when I employ the right mindset. Fighting three men at once leaves a lot of room for revelation.
“And I revel in this opportunity.”
Fade out as Fusenshoff grabs his Jack Daniels and pounds it. He stretches his legs and wanders off somewhere else in Houston as he bides the time before Black Dawn.
-Oscar Wilde
Fade in to Fusenshoff sitting on a bench staring at the San Jacinta Monument in Houston, about 100 yards away. Tired of being yelled at by tour guides for drinking near the landmark, Fusenshoff casually sips from his half-full fifth of blackjack in a paper bag. He looks up at the 570 foot tall monument, the tallest monument in the world, and really seems to appreciate it. Fusenshoff seems more content than usual today.
Fusenshoff: “It’s funny how opportunities usually come when you least expect them. I roll up Jess while he’s arguing with a ref and next thing you know I’m in a Battle Royale (with cheese). I’m in this sport because challenging my threshold against another man is the only time ebullience is an entity in my existence.
“The next opportunity pits my focus, determination, and will to compete against three different men, filling each corner of the ring with varying degrees of opposition.
“This is the closest to heaven I’ll ever get.
“I get to fight three men at a time. There’s no allegiances here, no gargantuan grudges or feuds. Just four men testing the fortitude required to beat-beyond-bearable three bodies at a time. Wow, what a feeling! May the best man win!”
Fusenshoff’s pupils expand as his adrenaline rises at the mere thought of the implications of this rendezvous.
“We have a tale of two tumultuous temperaments. Jess is down in the dumps about his losing streak, and Cruise, you’re pissed because you’ve paid your dues and have missed out on gold like a miner at Sutter’s Mill in 1852.
“Last week Hart put a gash the size of a grapefruit in my forehead courtesy of a temper tantrum. Well Shawn, I forgive you. I have a Salisbury steak, peas and corn on my plate this week. If I focus on the cornball who gouged out a chunk of my temple I’ve got no shot to keep my consciousness at Black Dawn.
“You threw said tantrum because I rolled you up while you were bickering with the referee. See a pattern here, Doc? You’re making dumb mistakes because you’re frustrated instead of focused.
“I noticed a considerably different tone in your last promo. No lighthearted nonsense anymore, you’re mixing it up with sensibility. Yet, you’re a former TV champ, and I bet you were zany and imaginative during this triumphant time. ‘Stick to what got you there’ is on the list of popular cliché’s because it rings true. Maybe you don’t need a new attitude. Just quit living in the past and fretting about your ‘midcard’ status. Go get a massage. Clear your head. Hell, go out and drink yourself silly (it works).
“Show up at Black Dawn with one thing on your mind: leave nothing in that ring.
Fusenshoff is deep in thought as he says this. It’s his whole philosophy, and so obvious, yet the lives of wrestlers are so full of distractions this attitude is often foreign to most.
“Slumps are nothing but excess baggage. Find the nearest dumpster and leave that suitcase for the next hobo collecting cans.
“You feel everyone’s deeming you the underdog. According to the general consensus of the masses- based on your words- a victory for you would be considered a “surprise attack”. Well Jess, regardless of the murmurs from the tabloids, the only person you’ll be surprising with a win here is yourself. We all know what you can do in the ring, and your hand-under-the-skirt approach will undoubtedly leave you scratching the giant welt we leave on your noggin when all is said and done.”
It’s a beautiful day as Fusenshoff sips on his fifth. He focuses his attention on his next opponent in this match.
“Cameron Cruise is confident because of one night’s performance last year and the coincidence that the same result came about from one night’s performance the year before. Never mind the fact coming into this match you’ve been as reliable as Britney Spears working in a nursery. You have more blind faith than a scientologist, my friend. Paying your dues and talent gets you shots like this, but I’m reminded of a poem by J.B. Rittenhouse that pretty much sums up your dilemma:
“For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.”
“Let me paraphrase Cam. You get what you put in pal. Careers in this business are short and cruising on idle is gonna leave you in the wake of men who simply want it more. This isn’t the tortoise and the hare. It’s not one long race. There’s a new race every night, and if you don’t bring a speedboat, you’re bargaining with Life for a Penny.
“Copper isn’t gold Cam.
“Dan has picked us to unseat James Irish from his podium where the TV champ rests. I can’t even afford a television, but I’m around five or six of them every night. I guess he supposes the odds of a shift in tides increases dramatically with extra obstacles for James to overcome. Regardless, I’m in this match with one notch in the win column. I haven’t paid my dues, and I admit, I love the fact that this means jack sh*t. All that matters is my performance in the ring, and nothing can change that. That’s all that has ever mattered to me. That’s all that ever will matter. The belt is a status symbol, and I could care less about my status. I care about getting between those ropes and surprising myself with what I can accomplish when I employ the right mindset. Fighting three men at once leaves a lot of room for revelation.
“And I revel in this opportunity.”
Fade out as Fusenshoff grabs his Jack Daniels and pounds it. He stretches his legs and wanders off somewhere else in Houston as he bides the time before Black Dawn.
ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
Retort #1
FADE IN: Rocking parachute pants, the colors of his crew, and an expression that screams, "Somebody dun messed up!" SJH stands imposingly before the camera. He appears to be in what popular culture refers to as "Tha Hood."
SJH: "Yo..........."
He edges in toward the camera.
SJH: "I said YOOOOOOOO!!!"
Ya heard?
SJH: "So, I was peepin' this mo fo Cruise's bidness, yo, and I gotsta say... I AIN'T WIDDIT!!"
He shakes his head in a fashion similar to that of a toddler refusing its next helping of strained carrots.
SJH: "Check it YO - I dun came out in da place and dropped mad science from tha HEART 'n sh(FCC)t yesterday... n' THASS REAL TALK! Straight out mah soul like tha weed from mah bowl, comin' correct like tha S-A-T answers. N' after all'a that, after tellin' it like it is and keepin' it real like a true playah should, this suckah MC, tha DASTARDLY Double C, decides to start spittin' some HATE n' disrespect like he was somethin' special?!"
CUT TO: Hart's main homegirl Shawnita (or his step-sister FELICIA in black face).
SHAWNITA: "Ahh HELL NAH!!!"
CUT TO: SJH and more head-shaking action.
SJH: "Woooord to our mutha! That suckah be a bustah, yo!"
CUT TO: "Shawnita" and her spectacular shoe polish face.
SHAWNITA: "Nah bro! I ain't talkin' bout nunna that. I'm talking 'bout you n' yer fake blackness, yo!"
CUT TO: SJH and his impish ground.
SJH: "Alright, alright. So I can't really talk the talk, but that doesn't change the fact that what I say is true!"
Say wha?
SJH: "And it's not just Cameron SNOOZE either, cuz if I'm not mistaken, my homeboy Stroganoff has jumped in on the action as well! Here I am, proclaiming to the WORLD that the Phenom is here to STAY regardless of what my detractors say, and these two JACKHOLES come out and flap their yaps about how I'm complaining about my situation, how I've lost my confidence, how I'm FRETTING about my spot on the card! I mean really boys, have we not heard of subtext? Do you not realize that there's writing BETWEEN the lines too?!"
At this moment, Hart's face is screaming, "PSHAW!"
SJH: "All I did was make an accurate observation of the situation with which I am faced. It's called being aware of what's happening around you. You know... the sugar's sweet, the sky is blue, the sewer STINKS, and SO DO YOU! That sorta thing! Y'all should try it some time, cuz while Mr. SNOOZE is spoutin' off something about REALITY CHECKS, and STROKENOFF is already spinning yarns about unseating the almighty JAMES IRISH, I march forward with my eyes fixed firmly upon the task at hand. Well, that and the midget porn, but I digress... the steak n' eggs of the situation here is that I'm doing what must be done to ensure that what kept me from getting the big W in the past doesn't come back to bite me in my sweet, sinuous heinie once again! I'm not b(FCC)tching about the losses, I'm doing what needs to be done to make sure they STOP HAPPENING! It's like takin' a pill when your willy starts to wither. To solve the problem, we must admit the problem is there!"
CUT TO: Shawnita, who is in the midst of a fanciful jig.
SJH: "Tell 'em, papi!"
CUT TO: The Hart Throb.
SJH: "I've taken my first step down that path. A path that hopefully leads to newfound glory. If it doesn't, what can I say? I'll still be able to go to sleep knowing I put on one HELL of a show... and I'll still have some fat-bottomed mami sleepin' with me! Like I said before, I'm the ONLY guy in this match who's got nothin' to lose! Cruise apparently has this Black Dawn Greatest Hits list to live up to. Fusenshoff has his wave of momentum. And Irish... well, he's putting all that AND A BAG on the line. Not just the title, but the spotlight that goes with it! So while you wancy-pants posey boys are stressin' about everything you stand to lose in this match, I'll be there like a snake in the grass, ready to STRIKE at any time. Call it an outrage, call it a mockery, I call it the TRUTH!! And the truth of the matter here is that at Black Dawn, the whole lot a' ya are gonna feel my VENOM!!"
Hart shudders.
SJH: "Now THAT'S a tag line!!"
CUT TO: Shawnita, her fading face paint beginning to reveal the Felicia within.
SHAWNITA: "SHO YOU RIGHT!!"
CUT TO: The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister, who can't help but nod his head in agreement.
SJH: "You bet'cher BOOTY I'm right!! They don't call me the Phenom for nothin'!! But don't you worry... Black Dawn - World's Television Championship, ALL that magnificence is gonna be on full display for those of you who FORGOT just what that means. The PHENOM...."
Deep breath.
SJH: "Has left...."
Elvis pose.
SJH: "THE BUILDING!!!"
FADE OUT.
FADE IN: Rocking parachute pants, the colors of his crew, and an expression that screams, "Somebody dun messed up!" SJH stands imposingly before the camera. He appears to be in what popular culture refers to as "Tha Hood."
SJH: "Yo..........."
He edges in toward the camera.
SJH: "I said YOOOOOOOO!!!"
Ya heard?
SJH: "So, I was peepin' this mo fo Cruise's bidness, yo, and I gotsta say... I AIN'T WIDDIT!!"
He shakes his head in a fashion similar to that of a toddler refusing its next helping of strained carrots.
SJH: "Check it YO - I dun came out in da place and dropped mad science from tha HEART 'n sh(FCC)t yesterday... n' THASS REAL TALK! Straight out mah soul like tha weed from mah bowl, comin' correct like tha S-A-T answers. N' after all'a that, after tellin' it like it is and keepin' it real like a true playah should, this suckah MC, tha DASTARDLY Double C, decides to start spittin' some HATE n' disrespect like he was somethin' special?!"
CUT TO: Hart's main homegirl Shawnita (or his step-sister FELICIA in black face).
SHAWNITA: "Ahh HELL NAH!!!"
CUT TO: SJH and more head-shaking action.
SJH: "Woooord to our mutha! That suckah be a bustah, yo!"
CUT TO: "Shawnita" and her spectacular shoe polish face.
SHAWNITA: "Nah bro! I ain't talkin' bout nunna that. I'm talking 'bout you n' yer fake blackness, yo!"
CUT TO: SJH and his impish ground.
SJH: "Alright, alright. So I can't really talk the talk, but that doesn't change the fact that what I say is true!"
Say wha?
SJH: "And it's not just Cameron SNOOZE either, cuz if I'm not mistaken, my homeboy Stroganoff has jumped in on the action as well! Here I am, proclaiming to the WORLD that the Phenom is here to STAY regardless of what my detractors say, and these two JACKHOLES come out and flap their yaps about how I'm complaining about my situation, how I've lost my confidence, how I'm FRETTING about my spot on the card! I mean really boys, have we not heard of subtext? Do you not realize that there's writing BETWEEN the lines too?!"
At this moment, Hart's face is screaming, "PSHAW!"
SJH: "All I did was make an accurate observation of the situation with which I am faced. It's called being aware of what's happening around you. You know... the sugar's sweet, the sky is blue, the sewer STINKS, and SO DO YOU! That sorta thing! Y'all should try it some time, cuz while Mr. SNOOZE is spoutin' off something about REALITY CHECKS, and STROKENOFF is already spinning yarns about unseating the almighty JAMES IRISH, I march forward with my eyes fixed firmly upon the task at hand. Well, that and the midget porn, but I digress... the steak n' eggs of the situation here is that I'm doing what must be done to ensure that what kept me from getting the big W in the past doesn't come back to bite me in my sweet, sinuous heinie once again! I'm not b(FCC)tching about the losses, I'm doing what needs to be done to make sure they STOP HAPPENING! It's like takin' a pill when your willy starts to wither. To solve the problem, we must admit the problem is there!"
CUT TO: Shawnita, who is in the midst of a fanciful jig.
SJH: "Tell 'em, papi!"
CUT TO: The Hart Throb.
SJH: "I've taken my first step down that path. A path that hopefully leads to newfound glory. If it doesn't, what can I say? I'll still be able to go to sleep knowing I put on one HELL of a show... and I'll still have some fat-bottomed mami sleepin' with me! Like I said before, I'm the ONLY guy in this match who's got nothin' to lose! Cruise apparently has this Black Dawn Greatest Hits list to live up to. Fusenshoff has his wave of momentum. And Irish... well, he's putting all that AND A BAG on the line. Not just the title, but the spotlight that goes with it! So while you wancy-pants posey boys are stressin' about everything you stand to lose in this match, I'll be there like a snake in the grass, ready to STRIKE at any time. Call it an outrage, call it a mockery, I call it the TRUTH!! And the truth of the matter here is that at Black Dawn, the whole lot a' ya are gonna feel my VENOM!!"
Hart shudders.
SJH: "Now THAT'S a tag line!!"
CUT TO: Shawnita, her fading face paint beginning to reveal the Felicia within.
SHAWNITA: "SHO YOU RIGHT!!"
CUT TO: The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister, who can't help but nod his head in agreement.
SJH: "You bet'cher BOOTY I'm right!! They don't call me the Phenom for nothin'!! But don't you worry... Black Dawn - World's Television Championship, ALL that magnificence is gonna be on full display for those of you who FORGOT just what that means. The PHENOM...."
Deep breath.
SJH: "Has left...."
Elvis pose.
SJH: "THE BUILDING!!!"
FADE OUT.
TSiegel
I spoil things.
Re: Retort #1
"That's it, I've heard everything, and it's a based-on-Deja Vu experience that only certain people are allowed to have."
(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an Black Dawn backdrop, shaking his head.)
CRUISE: You see Shawn...I find it difficult to believe these days on what you preach based on the fact that you were actually TRYING to act like an African-American...well hell...what is it they call it these days?? Let's just be blunt about it...
You're a Whigga.
And damn do I hate talking in Ebonics when I don't need to....but the fact is, is that everything that you've told me has become one big simple-subliminal-but-truthful-coming-to of self-realization; a Reality Check, if you will:
I'm a former World Heavyweight Champion who's since been on a losing streak so horrible, that people would ACTUALLY would like to use my match, my AIR TIME, to go get a refill of their Big Gulp, Slushi, Popcorn and/or Cotton Candy after taking a nice...healthy...
(Cruise smiles...)
Dan Ryan, again...if I may....and sit back down just in time for the real action going on afew minutes later, in the Main Event.
And people are starting to take me for granted.
(Cruise shakes his head and wags his right index finger in disapproval.)
Ya know Shawn, if it wasn't for the unorthodox-lifestyle...and I know that's a stretch....I'd say that sounds like a man I know who's about the same way you are.
(Cruise takes both of his thumbs and motions to himself, mouthing the word "Me".)
'Cept the difference between you and me Shawn is with the exception of life up to and during High School Graduation, no one took me for granted.
NO ONE.
But you know Shawn? I like that.
I like the fact that people consisitantly disregard me as someone "unworthy of being a threat".
But that's also how I got into Empire Pro, by people disregarding me. That's also how I ended up tagging with Joey Melton and winning the Tag Team Titles...
(Cruise holds up two fingers.)
Twice.
And that's also how I beat Joey Melton in a Steel Cage AFTER he convinced Dan Ryan to strip me of the Intercontinental Title, a title that I won FAIR AND SQUARE.
So forgive me if I'm not at least interested in feeling sorry for you.
(Cruise chuckles a second)
Which brings me to Fusenshoff.
I swear...ya know if it wasn't for the fact that you sit there smug, as almost as accurate to a Dustin Diamond look-a-like as one could NEVER ask for...it'd be like wrestling Joey Melton in the Cage all over again, only without the midget, biased referee and looking alittle worse for wear.
But that's okay, because like I said before, Fusenshoff, I don't know ya, and I'm sure you can reciprocate here in that you don't know me, but there's NOBODY here that wants it more than I do, but unfortunately as my luck has it....
All I've received in return for BUSTING MY ASS for Gold is Copper.
(The Camera temporarily does a close up on Cruise, as he whispers, one hand next to his mouth)
I kinda liken it to Charlie Brown getting Rocks in his Halloween sack, but sadly Charlie never had it so good...but you'll have to excuse me, I'm digressing abit...
You're right, Dan picked the three of us to challenge James Irish, a challenge in-and-of-itself, I know because I've fought side-by-side with the man, himself. He picked Shawn because he was the last man to hold the title before James, so he deserves another shot.
You? You deserve it because you just defeated the man that held the same title that we're competing for before James, so by all rights and privilages you should very much get a shot, one win under your belt or not.
Me? I figure Dan Ryan actually does the right thing from time-to-time and sees that he OWES it to me.
That's right boys, I've busted my ass for the last few years earning paychecks with the signature of a man that I have even more distaste than bad Seafood, but the rewards are paying by the dividends.
Sure, it sounds greedy, but it's far from it.
Fusenshoff, you see the belt as a status symbol, something you don't really care about, but are competing for nonetheless...now believe it or not Shakespeare Scholar...
That stands to mean alittle something I spoke once before about...HYPOCRISY.
You're a Hypocrite, you said it yourself.
You don't care about titles or wrestling for them, but yet...I haven't heard you once decline the offer or denounce your shot.
Now, personally I think that makes you kinda redundant to this match, that being the case...but then if you're a man of your word...or in this case an INTELLIGENT one....
Walk away.
Tell Dan Ryan that this isn't what you want, and to find you something else. Offer to wrestle one of the locals or Blind Man Willie outside the stadium (Cruise chuckles) for Keg of beer or five fifths of Scotch.
Because having a respectable STATUS is what gives you respect, Fusenshoff, not just a lucky roll-up or an upset.
But do the right thing, and make this match a three-way between Shawn, James and myself, because the last thing I'd like to see is Respectable titles or possessions being ignored or taken for granted.
I'm coming to take that Television title, Gentlemen, and I'm not taking any bull**** or excuses or even the word NO for an answer. Why?
Because it's a Reality Check that you just...won't like.
Fadeout
"That's it, I've heard everything, and it's a based-on-Deja Vu experience that only certain people are allowed to have."
(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an Black Dawn backdrop, shaking his head.)
CRUISE: You see Shawn...I find it difficult to believe these days on what you preach based on the fact that you were actually TRYING to act like an African-American...well hell...what is it they call it these days?? Let's just be blunt about it...
You're a Whigga.
And damn do I hate talking in Ebonics when I don't need to....but the fact is, is that everything that you've told me has become one big simple-subliminal-but-truthful-coming-to of self-realization; a Reality Check, if you will:
I'm a former World Heavyweight Champion who's since been on a losing streak so horrible, that people would ACTUALLY would like to use my match, my AIR TIME, to go get a refill of their Big Gulp, Slushi, Popcorn and/or Cotton Candy after taking a nice...healthy...
(Cruise smiles...)
Dan Ryan, again...if I may....and sit back down just in time for the real action going on afew minutes later, in the Main Event.
And people are starting to take me for granted.
(Cruise shakes his head and wags his right index finger in disapproval.)
Ya know Shawn, if it wasn't for the unorthodox-lifestyle...and I know that's a stretch....I'd say that sounds like a man I know who's about the same way you are.
(Cruise takes both of his thumbs and motions to himself, mouthing the word "Me".)
'Cept the difference between you and me Shawn is with the exception of life up to and during High School Graduation, no one took me for granted.
NO ONE.
But you know Shawn? I like that.
I like the fact that people consisitantly disregard me as someone "unworthy of being a threat".
But that's also how I got into Empire Pro, by people disregarding me. That's also how I ended up tagging with Joey Melton and winning the Tag Team Titles...
(Cruise holds up two fingers.)
Twice.
And that's also how I beat Joey Melton in a Steel Cage AFTER he convinced Dan Ryan to strip me of the Intercontinental Title, a title that I won FAIR AND SQUARE.
So forgive me if I'm not at least interested in feeling sorry for you.
(Cruise chuckles a second)
Which brings me to Fusenshoff.
I swear...ya know if it wasn't for the fact that you sit there smug, as almost as accurate to a Dustin Diamond look-a-like as one could NEVER ask for...it'd be like wrestling Joey Melton in the Cage all over again, only without the midget, biased referee and looking alittle worse for wear.
But that's okay, because like I said before, Fusenshoff, I don't know ya, and I'm sure you can reciprocate here in that you don't know me, but there's NOBODY here that wants it more than I do, but unfortunately as my luck has it....
All I've received in return for BUSTING MY ASS for Gold is Copper.
(The Camera temporarily does a close up on Cruise, as he whispers, one hand next to his mouth)
I kinda liken it to Charlie Brown getting Rocks in his Halloween sack, but sadly Charlie never had it so good...but you'll have to excuse me, I'm digressing abit...
You're right, Dan picked the three of us to challenge James Irish, a challenge in-and-of-itself, I know because I've fought side-by-side with the man, himself. He picked Shawn because he was the last man to hold the title before James, so he deserves another shot.
You? You deserve it because you just defeated the man that held the same title that we're competing for before James, so by all rights and privilages you should very much get a shot, one win under your belt or not.
Me? I figure Dan Ryan actually does the right thing from time-to-time and sees that he OWES it to me.
That's right boys, I've busted my ass for the last few years earning paychecks with the signature of a man that I have even more distaste than bad Seafood, but the rewards are paying by the dividends.
Sure, it sounds greedy, but it's far from it.
Fusenshoff, you see the belt as a status symbol, something you don't really care about, but are competing for nonetheless...now believe it or not Shakespeare Scholar...
That stands to mean alittle something I spoke once before about...HYPOCRISY.
You're a Hypocrite, you said it yourself.
You don't care about titles or wrestling for them, but yet...I haven't heard you once decline the offer or denounce your shot.
Now, personally I think that makes you kinda redundant to this match, that being the case...but then if you're a man of your word...or in this case an INTELLIGENT one....
Walk away.
Tell Dan Ryan that this isn't what you want, and to find you something else. Offer to wrestle one of the locals or Blind Man Willie outside the stadium (Cruise chuckles) for Keg of beer or five fifths of Scotch.
Because having a respectable STATUS is what gives you respect, Fusenshoff, not just a lucky roll-up or an upset.
But do the right thing, and make this match a three-way between Shawn, James and myself, because the last thing I'd like to see is Respectable titles or possessions being ignored or taken for granted.
I'm coming to take that Television title, Gentlemen, and I'm not taking any bull**** or excuses or even the word NO for an answer. Why?
Because it's a Reality Check that you just...won't like.
Fadeout
Fusenshoff
League Member
Fade in to Fusenshoff sitting on a stool behind an EPW backdrop. This segment has nothing on-location and no impromptu situational escapade. Just Fusenshoff with Jack in his hand, staring into a camera lens.
“Cam, Cam, Cam. You sure stepped in it this time. Cardinal rule No. 1, my friend- don’t give your adversary something to embarrass you with. When you listen to my promos and come up with an enlightening response that illustrates flaws in my subservience to the general criteria I abide by between the barricades…
“you better be f*cking perfect.
“But I’ll get back to that. I, like any viewer, enjoy the process of anticipation before the slaughter. Sharpening of the blades; sparks flying in the brisk wind on a sweat-drenched moonlit night. The silhouette of a lamb eating grass on a hill by its lonesome, left to the whim of any predator. You know what’s coming, and it’s gruesome. Still, diverting your eyes would take a CH-53E Super Stallion Army helicopter crashing through your ceiling and onto your television set. We’ll come back to Cruise.
“Our champion started preparations for St. Patty’s early this year and seems to have dipped into his repository too soon. While James Irish sleeps on a park bench somewhere, I’ll spotlight the man in a deeper funk than Osama Bin Laden at a gun show in Texas.
“Jess, PhD is spouting in a mock intonation about the recent catastrophe he calls his athletic prowess, yet he sounds more like Ice Tre than “The Phenom” at this point. Where’s the charisma Shawn? Where’s the panache?
“Subtext Shawn? Writin’ between the lines? Sounded an awful lot like a pity party to me, man. Sounded like a desperate attempt to insinuate you may be due. You should know better than that by now.
“I remember a Shawn Hart with immeasurable creativity, not an imaginary OG with delusions of grandeur. Jess, you’re at a crossroads and seem to be having an identity crisis. Let’s hope it doesn’t have an affect on your wrestling acumen. I know I’ve got my fingers crossed.
“And if you mention that you’ve got nothing to lose one more time I’m gonna- well hell, I’m probably gonna puke anyway pretty soon. Here’s the five dollar question Jess:
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?
“You say it like it’s some kind of advantage. You’re acting like it’s the ace up your sleeve. How is your situation any different at all from what it was last week? You still have a title shot coming up. You still have Felicia and Shawnita ameliorating your situation by awarding adventitious anallingus for fan support. You still can’t find that zealous ingenuity which made you so competitive. I know I’m disappointed. It seems Cruise is big simple-not-making-much-sense-but-making-good-use-of-dashes disappointed too.
“This brings me to the ADD riddled miscreant who misinterpreted the term hypocrisy-twice in two promos- yet still uses it because it’s four syllables long and sounds pretty.
“Let me get this logic right. I care more about the level of competition in this match than the belt, or reward for the win. Yep, you’re right. So because I’m competing in this match, and hence, the belt… I’m a hypocrite…
“Am I the only one?
“Does anyone else feel like they went to the zoo and there were no animals? Like they jumped in a pool and landed ass first on the plastic liner? Like they took the town slut to the prom and regretted it nine months later?
“Does anyone else feel like something’s missing?
“OK, wait a minute. I get it now. The clouds are cleared and the sun is shining a single ray of light on my matted hair. I’ve stepped into the woods and spotted the UFO. I’m beamed up and taken to the leader… who tells me… I’m not in a wrestling match at Black Dawn.
Fusenshoff pauses for emphasis. He looks around slowly to one side, then just as slowly to the other, and finishes looking straight at the camera with his eyes as wide as they’ll go while the rest of his visage is akin to a poker face.
“That’s right. This isn’t a wrestling match at all… this is a title shot.
“This changes everything! I’m not pitting my physical and emotional vigor against three men, embracing the challenge of withstanding the inevitable onslaught. I’m not testing my vitality and will to overcome any obstacles that surface in a highly volatile environment. I’m not looking you, Cam, and Shawn Hart, and James Irish right-square in the eyes, knowing it’s my resolve against yours, my dexterity versus Hart’s, and my constitution contra Irish’s.
“Thank God for the alien leader. If it weren’t for him, I would’ve assumed that having a title at stake had absolutely no bearing on what happens in the ring. I forgot there’s a ring of fire on the commentators table, seagulls are given laxatives and unleashed in the arena, and the only way to win is to stick your head so far up your own ass your small intestine is crushed by your rib cage and secretes poisonous mucus that- when consumed while said head is up said ass- leads one to believe Stolichnaya Vodka doesn’t taste like fermented koala piss!
Fusenshoff has a look of disgust on his face. He shakes his head and leans back on the EPW backdrop. Taking a moment to gulp down about 4 oz. of blackjack, he continues on.
“I wouldn’t drop out of this match if you tied me to a chair and left me in a room with a naked Roseanne Barr until Black Dawn. I’m gonna walk my ‘kinda redundant’ ass out to that ring regardless of how much you b*tch and moan about the level of respect a glorified, gold-plated fashion accessory deserves.
“I don’t gloat about my accomplishments. I don’t spin losing streaks to my advantage and I don’t give a sh*t what trinket is on the line when I have more important things to worry about… like my opponents.
“Maybe this sounds crazy to you. You might petition Dan to kick me out of this match because I’m a disgrace to everything EPW stands for…
“This is all I know and it’ll never change. One gear- full throttle. One goal- leave nothing in that ring.
“It’s not complicated kids.
Fusenshoff steps off the stool and stops suddenly, his body diagonal to the camera as he looks at it with an irritated expression on his face. He has the look of a man whose expectations haven’t been met. Fusenshoff takes a swig and walks off with the camera still rolling.
“Cam, Cam, Cam. You sure stepped in it this time. Cardinal rule No. 1, my friend- don’t give your adversary something to embarrass you with. When you listen to my promos and come up with an enlightening response that illustrates flaws in my subservience to the general criteria I abide by between the barricades…
“you better be f*cking perfect.
“But I’ll get back to that. I, like any viewer, enjoy the process of anticipation before the slaughter. Sharpening of the blades; sparks flying in the brisk wind on a sweat-drenched moonlit night. The silhouette of a lamb eating grass on a hill by its lonesome, left to the whim of any predator. You know what’s coming, and it’s gruesome. Still, diverting your eyes would take a CH-53E Super Stallion Army helicopter crashing through your ceiling and onto your television set. We’ll come back to Cruise.
“Our champion started preparations for St. Patty’s early this year and seems to have dipped into his repository too soon. While James Irish sleeps on a park bench somewhere, I’ll spotlight the man in a deeper funk than Osama Bin Laden at a gun show in Texas.
“Jess, PhD is spouting in a mock intonation about the recent catastrophe he calls his athletic prowess, yet he sounds more like Ice Tre than “The Phenom” at this point. Where’s the charisma Shawn? Where’s the panache?
“Subtext Shawn? Writin’ between the lines? Sounded an awful lot like a pity party to me, man. Sounded like a desperate attempt to insinuate you may be due. You should know better than that by now.
“I remember a Shawn Hart with immeasurable creativity, not an imaginary OG with delusions of grandeur. Jess, you’re at a crossroads and seem to be having an identity crisis. Let’s hope it doesn’t have an affect on your wrestling acumen. I know I’ve got my fingers crossed.
“And if you mention that you’ve got nothing to lose one more time I’m gonna- well hell, I’m probably gonna puke anyway pretty soon. Here’s the five dollar question Jess:
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?
“You say it like it’s some kind of advantage. You’re acting like it’s the ace up your sleeve. How is your situation any different at all from what it was last week? You still have a title shot coming up. You still have Felicia and Shawnita ameliorating your situation by awarding adventitious anallingus for fan support. You still can’t find that zealous ingenuity which made you so competitive. I know I’m disappointed. It seems Cruise is big simple-not-making-much-sense-but-making-good-use-of-dashes disappointed too.
“This brings me to the ADD riddled miscreant who misinterpreted the term hypocrisy-twice in two promos- yet still uses it because it’s four syllables long and sounds pretty.
“Let me get this logic right. I care more about the level of competition in this match than the belt, or reward for the win. Yep, you’re right. So because I’m competing in this match, and hence, the belt… I’m a hypocrite…
“Am I the only one?
“Does anyone else feel like they went to the zoo and there were no animals? Like they jumped in a pool and landed ass first on the plastic liner? Like they took the town slut to the prom and regretted it nine months later?
“Does anyone else feel like something’s missing?
“OK, wait a minute. I get it now. The clouds are cleared and the sun is shining a single ray of light on my matted hair. I’ve stepped into the woods and spotted the UFO. I’m beamed up and taken to the leader… who tells me… I’m not in a wrestling match at Black Dawn.
Fusenshoff pauses for emphasis. He looks around slowly to one side, then just as slowly to the other, and finishes looking straight at the camera with his eyes as wide as they’ll go while the rest of his visage is akin to a poker face.
“That’s right. This isn’t a wrestling match at all… this is a title shot.
“This changes everything! I’m not pitting my physical and emotional vigor against three men, embracing the challenge of withstanding the inevitable onslaught. I’m not testing my vitality and will to overcome any obstacles that surface in a highly volatile environment. I’m not looking you, Cam, and Shawn Hart, and James Irish right-square in the eyes, knowing it’s my resolve against yours, my dexterity versus Hart’s, and my constitution contra Irish’s.
“Thank God for the alien leader. If it weren’t for him, I would’ve assumed that having a title at stake had absolutely no bearing on what happens in the ring. I forgot there’s a ring of fire on the commentators table, seagulls are given laxatives and unleashed in the arena, and the only way to win is to stick your head so far up your own ass your small intestine is crushed by your rib cage and secretes poisonous mucus that- when consumed while said head is up said ass- leads one to believe Stolichnaya Vodka doesn’t taste like fermented koala piss!
Fusenshoff has a look of disgust on his face. He shakes his head and leans back on the EPW backdrop. Taking a moment to gulp down about 4 oz. of blackjack, he continues on.
“I wouldn’t drop out of this match if you tied me to a chair and left me in a room with a naked Roseanne Barr until Black Dawn. I’m gonna walk my ‘kinda redundant’ ass out to that ring regardless of how much you b*tch and moan about the level of respect a glorified, gold-plated fashion accessory deserves.
“I don’t gloat about my accomplishments. I don’t spin losing streaks to my advantage and I don’t give a sh*t what trinket is on the line when I have more important things to worry about… like my opponents.
“Maybe this sounds crazy to you. You might petition Dan to kick me out of this match because I’m a disgrace to everything EPW stands for…
“This is all I know and it’ll never change. One gear- full throttle. One goal- leave nothing in that ring.
“It’s not complicated kids.
Fusenshoff steps off the stool and stops suddenly, his body diagonal to the camera as he looks at it with an irritated expression on his face. He has the look of a man whose expectations haven’t been met. Fusenshoff takes a swig and walks off with the camera still rolling.
ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
Retort #2
A couple hours ago, in a jack shack far, far away...
SJH: "Yesss....."
Grunt.
SJH: "Yessssssssss......."
Moan.
SJH: "OOOOOOOOOOOHHH YEEEEEEEEEEAAHH, NNNNNNDDADDIO!!!"
FADE IN: The PHENOM of Empire Pro, one Shawn Jessica Hart, Esquire, emerges from his favorite "massage parlor" and rejoins the ranks of society. As he begins to strut down the busy city street, he breaks out into a spontaneous solilique.
SJH: "Whoa Nellie! Ain't nuthin' like a good pre-match massage to get the ol' juices flowing!!"
SMASH CUT TO: A lingerie-wearing midget walking on Hart's back. SMASH CUT TO: A large black woman dumping Crisco on his backside. SMASH CUT TO: An elderly Asian woman in a schoolgirl's uniform rubbing a small dog's back against the side of his face? CUT TO: Hart drooling.
SJH: "Ay Chihuahua..."
Indeed.
SJH: "You see, my dear friends, the time for the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister to bust LOOSE and dish out all the FUNK he can administer is NIGH, which means I must undergo a variety of coital tasks to ensure I'm fully-prepared and pay-per-view ready! After all, it's one thing to show up for a match and do what you can to win, but another matter ENTIRELY when it comes to putting in the work OUTSIDE the ring!"
Hart stops once again and retrieves a pen and a piece of paper from his pocket.
SJH: "Let's see here... CHECK on transvestite Twister, CHECK on the prostitute beer fountain, CHECK on freaky deaky massage in the seedy underbelly..."
He pauses to survey the situation around him. Tweakers dropping their needles in the gutter, dusting them off, then sticking each other with them while their 12 year-old dealer laughs and counts his money. A homeless guy screaming in tongues and dumping cheap wine on himself. Elliot Spitzer and Larry Craig emerging from a dark alley; winking and giggling at one another. Definitely the seedy underbelly.
SJH: "From the looks of it, there's only one thing left to do on my l'il list..."
Without warning, he steps right into the camera, grabs it by the lens, and pulls it close to his face.
SJH: "KICK SOME EPW ASS LIKE A GUN-TOATING SEA BASS!!!"
...or something to that effect.
SJH: "Cameron SNOOZE, you profess to know what it's like to fall on hard times, to be overlooked. You paint a portrait that makes it appear as if we're in the same situation. Fact is, WE ID'NT!!"
He raises his fist in a manner most threatening.
SJH: "WE ID'NT!!!"
He shakes his head.
SJH: "What was that sweet analogy you dropped on us? You've been on a losing streak so heinous, so VILE, that fans use your segment of the show to refill their Big Gulps, their Slushies, AND their snack of choice? Puh-LEASE!! Everybody n' their mom's narcoleptic brother knows that 7-Eleven sells SLURPIES, not SLUSHIES, so for one to obtain both a 7-Eleven Big Gulp AND a Slushie would indicate having to make SEVERAL stops on their trip, which would FURTHER indicate that you actually have the ability to carry a match for more than two minutes!!"
The Phenom laughs a laugh of condescension.
SJH: "DOG... you know that ain't happenin'! At best, they'd have enough time for they lumpy wives to start giving them a hummer, only to be left with BLUE BALLS seconds later when the next, more AWESOME segment, the SHAWN HART segment, begins! And that, my FRIEND, is the difference between you n' me!! While you sit there and pitch fits about how Ryan OWES you this thing, I'm here pluggin' along... pluggin' fat chicks... pluggin' my I-Pod in and downloading Cat Stevens' Greatest Hits, leapin' and hoppin' on a moon shadow. Moon shadow, moon shadow."
The Phenom laughs a laugh of CLEVERNESS!!
SJH: "When you lose, you pretty much do just that. When YOURS TRULY loses, I lose with flair, with STYLE, with a certain je ne sais quoi that makes the girlies moist and the guys hoist........"
Awkward pause.
SJH: ".......me up on their shoulders!!"
Oh, right.
SJH: "And believe you me, Bettie Lou, when all's said and done at Black Dawn -- MEN WILL BE HOISTING!! Not in a "Oh, you got beat, but we still like you!" kind of way, but in the "Holy hot jalapeño! I've never seen a guy decapitate his opponents, light their carcasses on FIRE, then extinguish the flames with his own ejaculate in a wrestling match before!" manner."
He pauses... and grimaces.
SJH: "OK, that was actually kind of gross, but the POINT remains the same!! That point being that when we meet in that ring, I'm gonna REAM yo punk-suckah ASS like I reamed yo drunk mutha's ass in my hotel room last night!! Figuratively speaking of course. And STROGANOFF..."
Head shaking action!
SJH: "Oooohh baby, STROGANOFF!! You big, BEEFY bastard you!!! You can bet your bottom dollar that the same fate will befall YOU, my friend!! You were a guy I respected, a guy who's come into this circuit and kind of taken it by storm in a sense, but your days of filibustering and faux superiority are OVAH!! Last week, you bit me in the ass. Figuratively speaking of course. Although, if you had the chance, LORD knows what else you'd want to do with this sweet, succulent, sinuous..."
Hart licks his lips, then slowly slides his hands over his hips.
SJH: "Seductive, SENSUAL..."
The camera pans out. The screaming homeless man is standing right next to SJH and appears to be staring at him in a way most unsavory.
SJH: "Ummm... can I help you?"
Suddenly, the man withdraws a wine bottle from within his dirty trench coat and begins to dump it on himself.
SCREAMING HOMELESS DUDE: "AAAAAAHH!!! JIBBA-JIBBA-JABBA!! ABBA-BABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!"
The camera pulls away from the crazy and focuses, once again, on the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinster.
SJH: "Right!! Bottom line here, in this match... you may think you're the KING, Mr. Mushoffa!! But the steak n' eggs of the situation is that you're about to get TRAMPLED by wilderbeasts!! Then after you die, your body will become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we're all connected in the Great Circle of Life."
He chuckles to himself.
SJH: "Me? I'll probably smoke the grass, or wipe my butt with it, but that's not what's important here! What's important is that you, the ever-hibernating James Irish --WHERE YOU AT, SON?! -- and the not-so-illustrious Cameron Cruise are all CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN' at Black Dawn!! Call it an outrage, call it a mockery, call it Hakuna Matata if you like. Pardon me if I call it the TRUTH! And the truth of the matter here is that, recent troubles aside, this crazy cat's about to write a new chapter in his story. A chapter entitled "SJH beats everybody down and rises to the TOP like a hot air balloon!" Or maybe just a balloon, cuz from the looks of it, all the HOT AIR is comin' from you guys!!"
Hart tenders an impish grin.
SJH: "But worry not, young ones. In a couple days, I'll be puttin' the whole lot of you out of your misery. Quick and easy, slow and painful, whatever the case may be, the one thing that is CERTAIN is that you're lookin' at the next world television champion!"
He strikes one of his sweet Elvis poses.
SJH: "Now THAT'S what I call dishin' the FUNK!! The Phenom has left the building!!"
FADE OUT.
A couple hours ago, in a jack shack far, far away...
Grunt.
SJH: "Yessssssssss......."
Moan.
SJH: "OOOOOOOOOOOHHH YEEEEEEEEEEAAHH, NNNNNNDDADDIO!!!"
FADE IN: The PHENOM of Empire Pro, one Shawn Jessica Hart, Esquire, emerges from his favorite "massage parlor" and rejoins the ranks of society. As he begins to strut down the busy city street, he breaks out into a spontaneous solilique.
SJH: "Whoa Nellie! Ain't nuthin' like a good pre-match massage to get the ol' juices flowing!!"
SMASH CUT TO: A lingerie-wearing midget walking on Hart's back. SMASH CUT TO: A large black woman dumping Crisco on his backside. SMASH CUT TO: An elderly Asian woman in a schoolgirl's uniform rubbing a small dog's back against the side of his face? CUT TO: Hart drooling.
SJH: "Ay Chihuahua..."
Indeed.
SJH: "You see, my dear friends, the time for the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister to bust LOOSE and dish out all the FUNK he can administer is NIGH, which means I must undergo a variety of coital tasks to ensure I'm fully-prepared and pay-per-view ready! After all, it's one thing to show up for a match and do what you can to win, but another matter ENTIRELY when it comes to putting in the work OUTSIDE the ring!"
Hart stops once again and retrieves a pen and a piece of paper from his pocket.
SJH: "Let's see here... CHECK on transvestite Twister, CHECK on the prostitute beer fountain, CHECK on freaky deaky massage in the seedy underbelly..."
He pauses to survey the situation around him. Tweakers dropping their needles in the gutter, dusting them off, then sticking each other with them while their 12 year-old dealer laughs and counts his money. A homeless guy screaming in tongues and dumping cheap wine on himself. Elliot Spitzer and Larry Craig emerging from a dark alley; winking and giggling at one another. Definitely the seedy underbelly.
SJH: "From the looks of it, there's only one thing left to do on my l'il list..."
Without warning, he steps right into the camera, grabs it by the lens, and pulls it close to his face.
SJH: "KICK SOME EPW ASS LIKE A GUN-TOATING SEA BASS!!!"
...or something to that effect.
SJH: "Cameron SNOOZE, you profess to know what it's like to fall on hard times, to be overlooked. You paint a portrait that makes it appear as if we're in the same situation. Fact is, WE ID'NT!!"
He raises his fist in a manner most threatening.
SJH: "WE ID'NT!!!"
He shakes his head.
SJH: "What was that sweet analogy you dropped on us? You've been on a losing streak so heinous, so VILE, that fans use your segment of the show to refill their Big Gulps, their Slushies, AND their snack of choice? Puh-LEASE!! Everybody n' their mom's narcoleptic brother knows that 7-Eleven sells SLURPIES, not SLUSHIES, so for one to obtain both a 7-Eleven Big Gulp AND a Slushie would indicate having to make SEVERAL stops on their trip, which would FURTHER indicate that you actually have the ability to carry a match for more than two minutes!!"
The Phenom laughs a laugh of condescension.
SJH: "DOG... you know that ain't happenin'! At best, they'd have enough time for they lumpy wives to start giving them a hummer, only to be left with BLUE BALLS seconds later when the next, more AWESOME segment, the SHAWN HART segment, begins! And that, my FRIEND, is the difference between you n' me!! While you sit there and pitch fits about how Ryan OWES you this thing, I'm here pluggin' along... pluggin' fat chicks... pluggin' my I-Pod in and downloading Cat Stevens' Greatest Hits, leapin' and hoppin' on a moon shadow. Moon shadow, moon shadow."
The Phenom laughs a laugh of CLEVERNESS!!
SJH: "When you lose, you pretty much do just that. When YOURS TRULY loses, I lose with flair, with STYLE, with a certain je ne sais quoi that makes the girlies moist and the guys hoist........"
Awkward pause.
SJH: ".......me up on their shoulders!!"
Oh, right.
SJH: "And believe you me, Bettie Lou, when all's said and done at Black Dawn -- MEN WILL BE HOISTING!! Not in a "Oh, you got beat, but we still like you!" kind of way, but in the "Holy hot jalapeño! I've never seen a guy decapitate his opponents, light their carcasses on FIRE, then extinguish the flames with his own ejaculate in a wrestling match before!" manner."
He pauses... and grimaces.
SJH: "OK, that was actually kind of gross, but the POINT remains the same!! That point being that when we meet in that ring, I'm gonna REAM yo punk-suckah ASS like I reamed yo drunk mutha's ass in my hotel room last night!! Figuratively speaking of course. And STROGANOFF..."
Head shaking action!
SJH: "Oooohh baby, STROGANOFF!! You big, BEEFY bastard you!!! You can bet your bottom dollar that the same fate will befall YOU, my friend!! You were a guy I respected, a guy who's come into this circuit and kind of taken it by storm in a sense, but your days of filibustering and faux superiority are OVAH!! Last week, you bit me in the ass. Figuratively speaking of course. Although, if you had the chance, LORD knows what else you'd want to do with this sweet, succulent, sinuous..."
Hart licks his lips, then slowly slides his hands over his hips.
SJH: "Seductive, SENSUAL..."
The camera pans out. The screaming homeless man is standing right next to SJH and appears to be staring at him in a way most unsavory.
SJH: "Ummm... can I help you?"
Suddenly, the man withdraws a wine bottle from within his dirty trench coat and begins to dump it on himself.
SCREAMING HOMELESS DUDE: "AAAAAAHH!!! JIBBA-JIBBA-JABBA!! ABBA-BABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!"
The camera pulls away from the crazy and focuses, once again, on the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinster.
SJH: "Right!! Bottom line here, in this match... you may think you're the KING, Mr. Mushoffa!! But the steak n' eggs of the situation is that you're about to get TRAMPLED by wilderbeasts!! Then after you die, your body will become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we're all connected in the Great Circle of Life."
He chuckles to himself.
SJH: "Me? I'll probably smoke the grass, or wipe my butt with it, but that's not what's important here! What's important is that you, the ever-hibernating James Irish --WHERE YOU AT, SON?! -- and the not-so-illustrious Cameron Cruise are all CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN' at Black Dawn!! Call it an outrage, call it a mockery, call it Hakuna Matata if you like. Pardon me if I call it the TRUTH! And the truth of the matter here is that, recent troubles aside, this crazy cat's about to write a new chapter in his story. A chapter entitled "SJH beats everybody down and rises to the TOP like a hot air balloon!" Or maybe just a balloon, cuz from the looks of it, all the HOT AIR is comin' from you guys!!"
Hart tenders an impish grin.
SJH: "But worry not, young ones. In a couple days, I'll be puttin' the whole lot of you out of your misery. Quick and easy, slow and painful, whatever the case may be, the one thing that is CERTAIN is that you're lookin' at the next world television champion!"
He strikes one of his sweet Elvis poses.
SJH: "Now THAT'S what I call dishin' the FUNK!! The Phenom has left the building!!"
FADE OUT.
JIrish780
League Member
Re: Retort #2
Fade up to James Irish standing behind a generic EPW interview backdrop via a green screen.
JIrish: Okay, you can all save your dang St. Patricks Day jokes. I've heard all of them before. Hell, I've probably told most of them myself.
This is no longer a question of luck, anyway. It's a question of just getting the hell out of this mess alive! I said at the last Aggression that the TV Title was becoming an albatross, little suspecting that the situation would become far worse than I could have guessed. Three people, each one of them would be a test on their own, and I have to try to endure them all at once, all because I've been outsmarting Dan's efforts elsewhere in what you EPW stalwarts probably will only ever refer to as the steak sauce federation.
Fusenshoff, the fellow who surprised the hell out of me the last time I was in the TEAM Invitational Tournament. Shawn Hart, the guy who seems to be the Goofus to my somewhat warped Gallant. And Cameron Cruise, probably the most dangerous wrestler in the whole dang match, and that's saying something.
Only a dang fool would be so absolutely brash and say he'd go into that match, with those names, and come out the winner. I know it's not going to be anywhere near that easy. Hell, I've added a good doctor here in the Houston area on speed dial, just in case.
But any of you who say this is about the TV title is... well, okay. Maybe this is all about the belt for you guys. Most of you couldn't give a rat's patoot about how I've been a constant thorn in Dan Ryan's side in steak sauce land. But that's hardly the point now, because whether or not you care, the man making the matches does, and he wants me to come out of this match not just sans belt, but hurt, humbled humiliated, and other words starting with "H."
... haberdashery... okay, maybe not.
So let's start with the simple part. Cruise. Yeah, you and I have respect. But I don't fault you for wanting to wrestle your best on Pay-Per-View night like every night. No complications here, man. That post match brew'll be on me if you win. Simple as that.
Fusenshoff... man, I keep playing back that TEAM match we had in my mind, and I keep seeing nothing but missed opportunities and blown attacks. You probably just see another day in the only world where you feel alive, you depressing so-and-so. Though I find it an odd dichotomy that you compete in all these major name federations and yet can't even afford so much as a television. Why do I wonder what else is going on beneath the surface with you?
And Shawn Bubbles Jessica Thaddeus Irving Millhouse Hoover Grayson Barton Skywalker Trogdor Dewey Cheatum and Howe Hart, PhD, MD, DDS, PC, MtG, CCR, BYOB and NOTB. There, I think I've finally run that gag into the ground now. It's like putting Bono in the same room with Ozzy Osborne when it comes to matches between you and I, the lighter and darker side of the same coin. We're both generally whacked out, fun loving types who love to act less seriously than we have to, just because we can. Only right now I'm finding very little humor other than general snark based on this maddening situation.
Sure, I know, I'm talking like I have all three of you figured out right down to what moves you'll make when the match hits the 3:25 mark. Well, normally I like for that to be the case, but you know what? That's for one on one matches. You start throwing more people into the mess, and suddenly the usual picture becomes more hazy. It's like static on your usually crystal clear- HEY!!
And just as he says that, the image on the screen starts going to static, with the accompanying noise. James takes a look at the monitor displaying what's going onto the tape, and it's the same thing.
Okay, Dan. Ha-ha. I get it. A little payback on the guy who hijacked your television signal that one time. I get the point. You can-
Suddenly, the background switches to a shot of a giant dart board, with James' head centered at the bulls eye.
Darts. I mean... could you have chosen a more obvious sports metaphor?? I could have picked something better with my-
And just like that, James' promo suddenly cuts into an advertisement for Ben-Gay, for all of five seconds, until we're back to James, with a once again crystal clear image and the EPW backdrop restored.
Oh, now that's real cute. What, is Ben-Gay your new sponsor or something? Look, I don't mind things being turned upside down every once in a while, but-
And again, just like that, the image is turned upside down.
Now you're just blatantly ripping me off! Come on, Dan, you know I look at these games as art. Either do something really original or cut this deal out!
Fade out
HEY!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Fade in to find... Erin Flanagan behind a producers console in the TV truck?
Erin: *giggles* Ain't I a little *censored*?
Fade out... this time for real.
Fade up to James Irish standing behind a generic EPW interview backdrop via a green screen.
JIrish: Okay, you can all save your dang St. Patricks Day jokes. I've heard all of them before. Hell, I've probably told most of them myself.
This is no longer a question of luck, anyway. It's a question of just getting the hell out of this mess alive! I said at the last Aggression that the TV Title was becoming an albatross, little suspecting that the situation would become far worse than I could have guessed. Three people, each one of them would be a test on their own, and I have to try to endure them all at once, all because I've been outsmarting Dan's efforts elsewhere in what you EPW stalwarts probably will only ever refer to as the steak sauce federation.
Fusenshoff, the fellow who surprised the hell out of me the last time I was in the TEAM Invitational Tournament. Shawn Hart, the guy who seems to be the Goofus to my somewhat warped Gallant. And Cameron Cruise, probably the most dangerous wrestler in the whole dang match, and that's saying something.
Only a dang fool would be so absolutely brash and say he'd go into that match, with those names, and come out the winner. I know it's not going to be anywhere near that easy. Hell, I've added a good doctor here in the Houston area on speed dial, just in case.
But any of you who say this is about the TV title is... well, okay. Maybe this is all about the belt for you guys. Most of you couldn't give a rat's patoot about how I've been a constant thorn in Dan Ryan's side in steak sauce land. But that's hardly the point now, because whether or not you care, the man making the matches does, and he wants me to come out of this match not just sans belt, but hurt, humbled humiliated, and other words starting with "H."
... haberdashery... okay, maybe not.
So let's start with the simple part. Cruise. Yeah, you and I have respect. But I don't fault you for wanting to wrestle your best on Pay-Per-View night like every night. No complications here, man. That post match brew'll be on me if you win. Simple as that.
Fusenshoff... man, I keep playing back that TEAM match we had in my mind, and I keep seeing nothing but missed opportunities and blown attacks. You probably just see another day in the only world where you feel alive, you depressing so-and-so. Though I find it an odd dichotomy that you compete in all these major name federations and yet can't even afford so much as a television. Why do I wonder what else is going on beneath the surface with you?
And Shawn Bubbles Jessica Thaddeus Irving Millhouse Hoover Grayson Barton Skywalker Trogdor Dewey Cheatum and Howe Hart, PhD, MD, DDS, PC, MtG, CCR, BYOB and NOTB. There, I think I've finally run that gag into the ground now. It's like putting Bono in the same room with Ozzy Osborne when it comes to matches between you and I, the lighter and darker side of the same coin. We're both generally whacked out, fun loving types who love to act less seriously than we have to, just because we can. Only right now I'm finding very little humor other than general snark based on this maddening situation.
Sure, I know, I'm talking like I have all three of you figured out right down to what moves you'll make when the match hits the 3:25 mark. Well, normally I like for that to be the case, but you know what? That's for one on one matches. You start throwing more people into the mess, and suddenly the usual picture becomes more hazy. It's like static on your usually crystal clear- HEY!!
And just as he says that, the image on the screen starts going to static, with the accompanying noise. James takes a look at the monitor displaying what's going onto the tape, and it's the same thing.
Okay, Dan. Ha-ha. I get it. A little payback on the guy who hijacked your television signal that one time. I get the point. You can-
Suddenly, the background switches to a shot of a giant dart board, with James' head centered at the bulls eye.
Darts. I mean... could you have chosen a more obvious sports metaphor?? I could have picked something better with my-
And just like that, James' promo suddenly cuts into an advertisement for Ben-Gay, for all of five seconds, until we're back to James, with a once again crystal clear image and the EPW backdrop restored.
Oh, now that's real cute. What, is Ben-Gay your new sponsor or something? Look, I don't mind things being turned upside down every once in a while, but-
And again, just like that, the image is turned upside down.
Now you're just blatantly ripping me off! Come on, Dan, you know I look at these games as art. Either do something really original or cut this deal out!
Fade out
HEY!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Fade in to find... Erin Flanagan behind a producers console in the TV truck?
Erin: *giggles* Ain't I a little *censored*?
Fade out... this time for real.
Fusenshoff
League Member
Fade in to Fusenshoff wandering aimlessly down a side street in Houston. Despite holding an empty bottle of blackjack, his speech isn’t slurred and he’s not swaying from side to side. Part of alcoholism is subjects tend to learn how to hide the effects that are common indicators of their disease. Fusenshoff passes a streetlight with his hands in his pockets.
Fusenshoff: “It seems the champ has decided to finally grace us with his presence. How nice of you to join us James, and not a moment too soon.
“You’ve been lying in the weeds like a Black Mamba ready to strike. Seven promos have been aired and you arrive. Damn, man! That’s a lot of material to work with. Surely you saw your opportunity to blow us all away and pick apart each of your opponents this week like a butcher in a slaughterhouse.
“So you come out and talk about all the mistakes you didn’t capitalize on in our last match, which was over a year ago, by the way. You don’t say that you’re chomping at the bit for revenge. Nothing about payback and setting things right. You just mention it in passing, like you’re reading off a grocery list and that fond memory happens to be in the next aisle. You were at the top of your game, World Champion at A1E (which you lost to Dan… not that I’m rubbing it in or anything), and yet I- still pretty green back then- made all these in-ring mistakes and you missed all of them. I feel like you’re not giving credit where it’s due.
“Then I remember that I could give two sh*ts what you tell yourself to obtain REM.
“Oh, and after I just got done burying Cam’s title shot tirade, you come out and argue that the title is all that matters to me, well, us if you want to get technical. I don’t think you could’ve made it more obvious that you have the attention span of a teenage boy reading Jane Austen in a girl’s locker room. Did you even take the time to watch my last promo?
That’s right, you mentioned the whole television thing. You must’ve been paying some attention. And what a sticking point, bringing up that I should be able to afford a TV. Actually James, I had a nice HDTV, but a f’n leprechaun stole the damn thing. I blame the Pope. He had to move St. Patty’s to the Ides of March.
“And way to exacerbate the EPW/A1E situation. You have three opponents this week, yet you’re worried about the special effects in your promos. I think a big shiny ball would be enough to distract you at this point. You may want to remind yourself that you’ve got Cameron Cruise, Shawn Hart and Fusenshoff at Black Dawn- not Dan Ryan. When the bell rings, this A1E spat doesn’t matter. Take the free advice.
“Jess did.
“Third time’s a charm right Shawn? No more Mr. Serious and no more gangsta rap. Finally you find your roots. Don’t listen to that whole day late, dollar short cliché. At least you’ve got your groove back. And it looks like you’ve even amended your strategy too. Glad I could be of help.
“No surprise you neglected to reiterate that you have nothing to lose in this match. It’s a shame I had to be the one that had you stand up in the back of class… with all your peers… backpack and colored pencils under the one-piece desk-chair… your fancy folded-over piece of paper with your name in pretty colors proving that desk is yours. Meanwhile, you’re standing over the letter ‘Kk’ in the alphabet when I say your name and then the word “desperation”. Diffidently while you stare at the floor you take a gander…
“’D’ ‘E’ ‘S’ … ‘P’ … ‘I’
“Oops, I’m sorry Shawnie. That’s not right. The answer is ‘D’ ‘E’ ‘S’ ‘P’ ‘E’ ‘R’ ‘A’ ‘T’ ‘I’ ‘O’ ‘N’
“Or to put it bluntly… It’s a shame I had to spell it out for you.
“Then again, when you’re trying to act like every promo is an audition for a Will Ferrell movie, you probably slip up once in a while. Even the biggest clown has to say something serious every now and then. Unfortunately for you I caught it between the gun-touting midget and the lubed-up Asian masseuse.
“You’re something else Shawn. My eyes lit up when I watched your promo and it seemed like you were about to say something remotely resembling relevance. Don’t you hate it when you’re interrupted by SCREAMING HOMELESS DUDE’s? Yeah, stuff like that happens to me all the time too. Just when I’m about to say something unique about my opponent that’ll turn heads and makes a great point… I’m mugged by the Gerudo b*tches from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. The tramps steal all my rubies and I’m so beside myself I can’t remember what I was going to say. I just say ‘f*ck it’ and move onto the next thing.
“After all, who needs selling points when you’ve got a sense of humor?
“Cam, I’ve left your tongue so tied I could use it to go rock climbing. I have to admit, I’m eagerly awaiting a response and looking forward to a concise counter-offensive. You seemed so confident I’d be amending my contract to ensure there were no title shots during my stay here in EPW. You laid down a challenge, man. Don’t get scared because I fought back.
“Either way we’ve all had a chance to say our piece. I take great pleasure in knowing that when all is said and done, there will be four men battling it out in the ring at Black Dawn… four men, one of which will leave that ring proving to have been the best that given day.
“I can’t wait.”
Fade out as Fusenshoff turns the corner and walks into the nearest liquor store.
Fusenshoff: “It seems the champ has decided to finally grace us with his presence. How nice of you to join us James, and not a moment too soon.
“You’ve been lying in the weeds like a Black Mamba ready to strike. Seven promos have been aired and you arrive. Damn, man! That’s a lot of material to work with. Surely you saw your opportunity to blow us all away and pick apart each of your opponents this week like a butcher in a slaughterhouse.
“So you come out and talk about all the mistakes you didn’t capitalize on in our last match, which was over a year ago, by the way. You don’t say that you’re chomping at the bit for revenge. Nothing about payback and setting things right. You just mention it in passing, like you’re reading off a grocery list and that fond memory happens to be in the next aisle. You were at the top of your game, World Champion at A1E (which you lost to Dan… not that I’m rubbing it in or anything), and yet I- still pretty green back then- made all these in-ring mistakes and you missed all of them. I feel like you’re not giving credit where it’s due.
“Then I remember that I could give two sh*ts what you tell yourself to obtain REM.
“Oh, and after I just got done burying Cam’s title shot tirade, you come out and argue that the title is all that matters to me, well, us if you want to get technical. I don’t think you could’ve made it more obvious that you have the attention span of a teenage boy reading Jane Austen in a girl’s locker room. Did you even take the time to watch my last promo?
That’s right, you mentioned the whole television thing. You must’ve been paying some attention. And what a sticking point, bringing up that I should be able to afford a TV. Actually James, I had a nice HDTV, but a f’n leprechaun stole the damn thing. I blame the Pope. He had to move St. Patty’s to the Ides of March.
“And way to exacerbate the EPW/A1E situation. You have three opponents this week, yet you’re worried about the special effects in your promos. I think a big shiny ball would be enough to distract you at this point. You may want to remind yourself that you’ve got Cameron Cruise, Shawn Hart and Fusenshoff at Black Dawn- not Dan Ryan. When the bell rings, this A1E spat doesn’t matter. Take the free advice.
“Jess did.
“Third time’s a charm right Shawn? No more Mr. Serious and no more gangsta rap. Finally you find your roots. Don’t listen to that whole day late, dollar short cliché. At least you’ve got your groove back. And it looks like you’ve even amended your strategy too. Glad I could be of help.
“No surprise you neglected to reiterate that you have nothing to lose in this match. It’s a shame I had to be the one that had you stand up in the back of class… with all your peers… backpack and colored pencils under the one-piece desk-chair… your fancy folded-over piece of paper with your name in pretty colors proving that desk is yours. Meanwhile, you’re standing over the letter ‘Kk’ in the alphabet when I say your name and then the word “desperation”. Diffidently while you stare at the floor you take a gander…
“’D’ ‘E’ ‘S’ … ‘P’ … ‘I’
“Oops, I’m sorry Shawnie. That’s not right. The answer is ‘D’ ‘E’ ‘S’ ‘P’ ‘E’ ‘R’ ‘A’ ‘T’ ‘I’ ‘O’ ‘N’
“Or to put it bluntly… It’s a shame I had to spell it out for you.
“Then again, when you’re trying to act like every promo is an audition for a Will Ferrell movie, you probably slip up once in a while. Even the biggest clown has to say something serious every now and then. Unfortunately for you I caught it between the gun-touting midget and the lubed-up Asian masseuse.
“You’re something else Shawn. My eyes lit up when I watched your promo and it seemed like you were about to say something remotely resembling relevance. Don’t you hate it when you’re interrupted by SCREAMING HOMELESS DUDE’s? Yeah, stuff like that happens to me all the time too. Just when I’m about to say something unique about my opponent that’ll turn heads and makes a great point… I’m mugged by the Gerudo b*tches from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. The tramps steal all my rubies and I’m so beside myself I can’t remember what I was going to say. I just say ‘f*ck it’ and move onto the next thing.
“After all, who needs selling points when you’ve got a sense of humor?
“Cam, I’ve left your tongue so tied I could use it to go rock climbing. I have to admit, I’m eagerly awaiting a response and looking forward to a concise counter-offensive. You seemed so confident I’d be amending my contract to ensure there were no title shots during my stay here in EPW. You laid down a challenge, man. Don’t get scared because I fought back.
“Either way we’ve all had a chance to say our piece. I take great pleasure in knowing that when all is said and done, there will be four men battling it out in the ring at Black Dawn… four men, one of which will leave that ring proving to have been the best that given day.
“I can’t wait.”
Fade out as Fusenshoff turns the corner and walks into the nearest liquor store.
TSiegel
I spoil things.
"Scared, Fusenshoff? SCARED?? Puh-LEESE!!"
(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an EPW Black Dawn backdrop.)
CRUISE: You forget, I've got better things to do than to sit around and wait for someone else to respond to a promo that I air. Fact of the matter is, is that I'm a married man that's earning his keep doing what he loves best:
WRESTLING.
Meanwhile I'm sitting here listening to a man who walks around normally in a "Silent Bob" overcoat with a flask of whisky at his hip flexing about things that "Will Hunting" wouldn't have even bothered with to Sean Maguire.
But is nevertheless homeless, which tells me that if you're indifferent when it comes to coveting the title of EPW's Television Champion, then maybe instead of calling you by your given name, then maybe I oughta call you "The Fisher King".
Because at least Robin Williams won a Golden Globe and nominated for an Academy Award for the work he did for movie, that being the case...
This shouldn't be anything less than cake right??
But then there's Shawn Hart and of course, Irish.
Gotta say....never doubted the moves you have Shawn, but I've said it before and I'll say it again:
I despise "Whitey, sittin' back an' doin' a Gangsta Lean'" when they're cruisin' hallways in one of those electric wheelchairs.
Because when you think about it...they're nothing more pathetic about a grown-white-man trying to act Black.
Not that I've got anything against the African-American Community mind you, lets not mistake that for a second, I mean after all...it was a mere misconception on the Media's part that caused me to be stripped of the Intercontinental title; I won't make that mistake again.
Which brings me to James Irish.
The man I'm joining Shawn and Fusenshoff in getting a shot at FOR the Tee-Vee title.
The saying goes James, "Better Late, Than Never".
Well, pardon me if I make sure Principal Ryan don't send you an Detention slip, because I AM disappointed.
In about three-to-four Media sessions, I was asked to respond to the question of what I think about you and sure, I gave the answer that most should.
But I also said that when you're on your game, you're ON YOUR GAME.
But you're late, pal, and in doing so....seven promos into a title defense makes it not necessariliy suspicious but it does make me alittle more concerned. Because you're consistent James, that normally gives me a general idea of what to expect.
Now I don't.
But that's usually a role that's designed for me so you understand that I usually don't work well with an understudy.
Matter of fact, I usually step up because of it and perform BETTER.
So by all means James, take your time, become a temporary Hermit and stay home.
Keep flexxing intellectual Fusenshoff, there's nothing like watching a man with a horrible five-O'Clock shadow in a overcoat drinking fifths of Whiskey. I've already seen it once with Melton, so it's not like I'll be missing out on anything right?
And Shawn Hart....what can I say....
Stop trying to act black.
(Cruise gives the "Thumbs Up" sign.)
We're closing in on something that oughta be the REAL "Match Of The Night", and I'm not trying to leave Denver, Colorado without a Title around my waist.
Not this time.
Why?
Because it's a Reality Check, gentlemen...one that not just you, but NOONE WILL EVER....EVER like.
(Fadeout.)
(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an EPW Black Dawn backdrop.)
CRUISE: You forget, I've got better things to do than to sit around and wait for someone else to respond to a promo that I air. Fact of the matter is, is that I'm a married man that's earning his keep doing what he loves best:
WRESTLING.
Meanwhile I'm sitting here listening to a man who walks around normally in a "Silent Bob" overcoat with a flask of whisky at his hip flexing about things that "Will Hunting" wouldn't have even bothered with to Sean Maguire.
But is nevertheless homeless, which tells me that if you're indifferent when it comes to coveting the title of EPW's Television Champion, then maybe instead of calling you by your given name, then maybe I oughta call you "The Fisher King".
Because at least Robin Williams won a Golden Globe and nominated for an Academy Award for the work he did for movie, that being the case...
This shouldn't be anything less than cake right??
But then there's Shawn Hart and of course, Irish.
Gotta say....never doubted the moves you have Shawn, but I've said it before and I'll say it again:
I despise "Whitey, sittin' back an' doin' a Gangsta Lean'" when they're cruisin' hallways in one of those electric wheelchairs.
Because when you think about it...they're nothing more pathetic about a grown-white-man trying to act Black.
Not that I've got anything against the African-American Community mind you, lets not mistake that for a second, I mean after all...it was a mere misconception on the Media's part that caused me to be stripped of the Intercontinental title; I won't make that mistake again.
Which brings me to James Irish.
The man I'm joining Shawn and Fusenshoff in getting a shot at FOR the Tee-Vee title.
The saying goes James, "Better Late, Than Never".
Well, pardon me if I make sure Principal Ryan don't send you an Detention slip, because I AM disappointed.
In about three-to-four Media sessions, I was asked to respond to the question of what I think about you and sure, I gave the answer that most should.
But I also said that when you're on your game, you're ON YOUR GAME.
But you're late, pal, and in doing so....seven promos into a title defense makes it not necessariliy suspicious but it does make me alittle more concerned. Because you're consistent James, that normally gives me a general idea of what to expect.
Now I don't.
But that's usually a role that's designed for me so you understand that I usually don't work well with an understudy.
Matter of fact, I usually step up because of it and perform BETTER.
So by all means James, take your time, become a temporary Hermit and stay home.
Keep flexxing intellectual Fusenshoff, there's nothing like watching a man with a horrible five-O'Clock shadow in a overcoat drinking fifths of Whiskey. I've already seen it once with Melton, so it's not like I'll be missing out on anything right?
And Shawn Hart....what can I say....
Stop trying to act black.
(Cruise gives the "Thumbs Up" sign.)
We're closing in on something that oughta be the REAL "Match Of The Night", and I'm not trying to leave Denver, Colorado without a Title around my waist.
Not this time.
Why?
Because it's a Reality Check, gentlemen...one that not just you, but NOONE WILL EVER....EVER like.
(Fadeout.)