Valhalla Productions 104 - The Dominator of Ass-Gard
(Fade in inside the notorious House of Arsvinnar where a celebration is taking place. The Naughty Norseman’s entourage are currently engaged in the most debauch of parties, involving a lot of scantily clad, voluptuous women running about and giggling while Olvir’s dwarven servants chase them like satyr’s pursuing nymphs. Many partake in the drinking of wine and mead which is passed through the longhouse in large jugs that are plentiful in number.)
VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY
Presents
(The camera slowly zooms through this orgy of festivities, focused on the throne at the end of the hall, whereupon sits the mighty Viking lord who laughs with much haughtiness and pride.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!
OLVIR ARSVINNAR
In
(Guzzling down a great helping of mead from his horn, the Great Olvir snaps his fingers. He is soon met by a young, endowed lady who takes great delight in being his presence. Olvir’s eyes go wide as he fixates on the region below the neck and above the waist, which is bountiful.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Come, noble woman! My BEARD wishes to taste you!
(The Viking promptly yanks her forward, stuffs his fur-covered face between both globes, and motorboats the living hell out of it.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
BRBL-BRBL-BRBL-BRBL-BRBL-BRBL!!
"THE DOMINATOR OF ASS-GARD"
(Olvir releases the girl, who staggers away, red-faced. The Viking lord throws his head back and releases a mighty guffaw.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!
(The camera pulls out a bit to reveal more of the scene. Flanking him are seasoned reporter Mojo Massey and Olvir’s prized servant, Misakeyu, who stand to his right and left respectively. Mojo gazes over the libidinal merriment around him in wonder. He’s the only person in the room wearing more than one article of clothing, after all.)
Mojo!
Dang, Olvir… this is some shindig you’re throwing. What’s the occasion?
Olvir Arsvinnar
We celebrate my GREAT VICTORY, Moyo the Short!! It was there, in the city of the Great Oceanless Plains, where the Great Olvir decisively DOMINATED his opponent, and was pronounced the WINNER for the first time since his much-anticipated coming to Empire Pro!
Many came to doubt my awesome strength as match after match, victory eluded me through trivial means! Though I was never
defeated, the fools came to believe that I was nothing but a HOAX!! But NOW, having pinned the idiotic King of the Streets, I have PROVEN that I am a man of my word! This marks the BEGINNING of Olvir’s reign of dominance!!
Mojo!
Well, it’s obvious you’re very proud of your performance… though I’m sure some would say that
anybody could beat Ice Tre… especially with a little outside interference to help you out.
Olvir Arsvinnar
Those you speak of are PUNY, man of a thousand trivial questions! Let them stand across from ME in the arena, and we shall see if they CONTINUE to doubt my unstoppable power!
Let it be known… to ALL who persist in the questioning of my greatness… that the Great Olvir, the BUTT-DOMINATOR, the Father of a Thousand Bastards, is coming to BRING them an answer!! HA HA HA HA!!
(To top off this haughty moment, he tips back the horn for a sip… but finds it empty. He looks to his left, where the petite Japanese woman stands ready and waiting, almost robotically.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Misakeyu… refill my horn!
(For no inexplicable reason, Misakeyu turns her head to Mojo, opens her mouth, and…)
Misakeyu
BLEEECCHH~~!!!
(…pukes all over him. Adjusted to this trend, Mojo simply grimaces and wipes himself clean with a handkerchief. Misakeyu takes Olvir’s horn and exits the frame with it in hand. Mojo cleans himself, and continues with the questions without missing a beat. THAT’S the sign of a true reporter: the one that gets PUKED ON and just keeps on doing his job without complaint. Seriously, somebody give this guy a medal!)
Mojo!
So, Great Olvir… leaving this victory behind, what lies further down the road for professional wrestling’s ONLY pornographic Viking?
Olvir Arsvinnar
I’m glad you have presented this query to the me, Moyo the Puny! You see, the great, all-seeing eye of Olvir gazes out across the horizon, further than any many has witnessed… and at the far edges of the world, he sees the sun rise. It is dawn… a BLACK DAWN, and I anticipate its coming like a warrior on the battlefield waits for the battle!
Mojo!
Naturally, you must be referring to the upcoming Empire Pro Wrestling Pay Per Event of the same name. I took a glance at the card, and saw you were billed to compete in yet another triple threat match. One of your opponents goes by the moniker “American Idol,” though word backstage is that he’s
not a stranger to Empire Pro. And then in the other hand, you have an opponent that by now, you’re all too familiar with… Nakita Dahaka.
Olvir Arsvinnar
Hmm… the weak, puny women that believes she can fight at the level of strong, burly men! Long she has promised to defeat and pin the GREATNESS that is Olvir… and every time, she has FAILED!!
Mojo!
Well, you are right to point out that she’s never pinned you before… but you seem to be overlooking the fact that you’ve never quite pinned
her yet.
Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! Yes, puny Moyo… that
is a fact. But you do not know the entire story!
The only reason WHY this harmless fawn has SURVIVED as long as she has is because the Great Olvir has ALLOWED her to! Before, the Greatness that is OLVIR was merely TOYING with her… letting her believe she had the STRENGTH to overcome my awesome power and knock me down!
Mojo!
But Olvir, why would you do that? I mean, if you could have just as easily beaten her this entire time, why didn’t you just get it out of the way at your first encounter, and move on to other challenges?
Olvir Arsvinnar
MERCY, small one! A weak, defenseless CHILD-BEARER is not WORTHY of being smote by my great power! It is equal to hunting down a SICK ANIMAL, or challenging a man with NO ARMS to a duel! The Great Olvir had HOPED this pathetic SEED-TAKER would come to understand her own inferiority, and walk her separate path!
But THEN, as I viewed the window of my MAGIC BOX your people call a “High Definition Flatscreen TV,” I bore witness to this daring vixen’s bold threats and hollow claims!
Mojo!
Yes, she had some strong words to say to you in that last promo… in fact, at one point saying that
she would be the one to rape you.
(Thunder BOOMS through the mead hall as Olvir the Butt-Dominator rockets to his feet. A hush falls over his servants as he stands defiantly before the throne with his arms crossed over his chest.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Rape…
me?? THE GREAT OLVIR!! The woman is MAD, Man of the Metal Phallus! Years of constant STRUGGLE and DEFEAT have driven her insane, to the point where she does not see her own DESTRUCTION looming before her like a shadowy sun rising above the mountains!
(He looks into the camera… directly addressing his opponents.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
FEEBLE CHILD-BEARER…
Do you truly think the GREAT OLVIR is no stranger to the concepts of pain, agony, and bleeding? Such things are COMMONPLACE on the battlefield, and are the NORM in a Viking’s life. I laugh at the prospect of pain and agony, because such sensations are just reminders that the Great Olvir is alive! Bleeding is a bodily function as routine as pissing… and sometimes, I do both at the same time!
Mojo!
…ew!
Olvir Arsvinnar
You words are MEANINGLESS to me, puny woman… because you NEVER back them up! Twice, you have promised to stifle my greatness, and both times, I
CONQUERED you, being only generous enough to spare you the humiliation and defeat suffered by pinfall! In addition, countless other opponents have done battle with you in the arena… and yet, so FEW ever become chapters to your “gospel!” You always speak of “pain and agony,” never fully realizing that YOU are the only one who feels such things as you continue to flounder pitifully in this MAN’S sport! It is as if you willingly IGNORE your own WEAKNESS… and still, you stand there and arrogantly speak of making me “beg for mercy,” as if you have not learned anything from your previous failings.
How is it that you believe THIS TIME will be different??
Do you think you can strike FEAR into the heart of the Great Olvir?? You are as intimidating as a docile COW being led to a slaughter to feed greater men!! The rashes on the Great Olvir’s LOINS bring me more cause for concern than YOU do!!
Know this, ignoble wench… THIS time, you will not need to fear being carried off in the great, mighty hands of this Viking warrior! After learning that you are nothing more than a BRAINLESS PRUDE, the Great Olvir has decided that you are NOT WORTHY enough to carry my powerful SEED, and would most likely DIE upon feeling the TRUE pain and agony that would fall upon you as my righteous BASTARD escapes your parched womb! My single intent as we enter the arena for the third time is to DESTROY you in the same manner as I have destroyed SO MANY before you, and to leave you beaten, broken, humbled, and DEFEATED in the center of the ring!!
Maybe then, UNCLEAN STRUMPET, if you BEG the me long enough, I will expose you to the GREATNESS of my LOINS, and dominate your HIND until the UNMATCHABLE PLEASURE overcomes your mind and you SCREAM my almighty name!! Let THAT be your gospel!
(The camera pulls out again to bring Mojo back into the frame. Olvir seats himself upon the throne, and the celebration picks up again as though nothing had ever happened. Misakeyu comes back into the frame, giving the Viking his newly filled mead horn. Olvir takes a long gulp and throws his head back, guffawing in pagan euphoria.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!
Mojo!
Wow, Olvir… you certainly sound serious this time around!
Olvir Arsvinnar
Indeed, I
AM serious, because I tire of the frequent DOUBTS in the minds of such feeble peasants that ENVY my greatness!! You would do well to remember, Moyo the Miniscule, that the Great Olvir is a man of good humor who LOVES to laugh at an occasional jest. But underestimate my WRATH, and you will live to regret it! That holds true for ANY man or woman!
Mojo!
Well… you’ve spoken your mind on Dahaka… but what about the third person in this match, the American Idol? First of all, have you ever seen the show?
Olvir Arsvinnar
Hmm… the Great Olvir recalls being introduced to such a program… but was immediately TURNED OFF by the preposterous lack of COMBAT and FACIAL HAIR!! Your “American Idol” is nothing but a senseless competition of PUNY, HAIRLESS MEN trying to prove their greatness by singing like GIRLS!!
Is THIS to be the same “American Idol” that will step into the arena, in the mighty presence of the GREATNESS that is OLVIR?! I am NOT daunted by the prospect of fighting a BEARDLESS GELDING!! He may call himself the “Idol” of this land called America… but he will soon come to find that OLVIR is the Idol of the ENTIRE WORLD!!
Mojo!
Actually, the guy who won the World Idol competition was Kurt Nilsen… from Norway.
Olvir Arsvinnar
AHA!! LEAVE IT TO A
SCANDINAVIAN to show the ENTIRE WORLD that the VIKINGS are the most dominant form of man!
Mojo!
In any case… there are a LOT of people out there on the internet saying that the American Idol revealed his identity over in TEAM’s Invitational Tournament… and he’s none other than “Phenomenal” Frankie Scott! Scott, of course, hasn’t been seen or heard from since his short-lived alliance with “The Phenom” Shawn Hart and a forgettable win over “Yours Truly” Adam Benjamin. As a matter of interest, Scott was also involved with Dahaka’s close friend, Delilah… so I wouldn’t be surprise if there was still a little animosity left over from Wrestleverse.
Olvir Arsvinnar
HMPH!! You speak of events that took place BEFORE the coming of Olvir! It is of no concern to me. Let the wretched whore and this “Frankie Scott” destroy each other if they must. In the end, the UNENDING GREATNESS that is OLVIR shall reign SUPREME over all!!
HA HA HA HA!!
(Olvir has another hearty sip of his mead. Noticing that Mojo is sticking out like a sore thumb, he delivers a manly slap to the reporter’s back that nearly knocks him to the ground.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Come, humble Moyo!! The Black Dawn of DOMINANCE that awaits in Houston is still many days away! DRINK!! FEAST!! FORNICATE!! BE MERRY!!
Mojo!
Ah… that’s okay, Olvir, I don’t think my fiancée would approve of me—
Olvir Arsvinnar
MISAKEYU!!
Mojo!
Damnit…
Misakeyu
BBLLEEECCHH~~!!
(As you very well guessed, she blows chunks all over Mojo, who at this point, just takes it without even putting up a fight.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Show our GUEST what pleasures await him in BED of TWENTY VIRGINS!!
Mojo!
WHUT?!
Misakeyu
BBLEEECCHH~!!!
(Before the reporter can protest, Misakeyu points a finger at him while dousing him in another cascade of green puke. As this happens, a number of Olvir’s sex slaves grab Mojo by the arms and carry him out of the frame. Olvir yanks one of them back onto his lap by the thong, and laughs MIGHTILY as he clumsily throws back his mead horn.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!
(Fade to black.)