(
FADEIN to a news studio of some kind. A chalkboard sits in the background with inane scribbling all over it. Anarky is dressed in a faux anchor outfit with a full suit on, sitting behind the fake News Channel 4 desk. He holds a stack of papers. His skull facepaint is even more out of whack than usual.)
ANARKY: “Tonight, ladies and gentlemen… is there something in YOUR kitchen which could eat your BABY? Tune in later to find out.
“But first, in our Truth Seeker segment tonight, we highlight a man who, despite great odds, continues to persevere in the face of undaunting reality… making his own as he goes along.
“I speak, of course, of Mr. Fusenshoff. As you know, over the past decade, FOX News has had a stranglehold on bizarre narratives and conspiracies without any sort of evidence or facts or logic. But today, that ten-year streak has come to an end, because Fusenshoff has raised the bar for us all.
“Not content to merely nitpick his deranged opponent, Mr. Fusenshoff resorted to desperate tactics, not only slandering his adversary, but creating an entirely new reality in which his opponent not only refers to himself as a dominant World Champion, but also claims that his veteran status and superior in-ring skills make victory all but assured.
“Now, even a small child with mild Down Syndrome or Cameron Cruise could probably watch the promos shown and realize how utterly dishonest and ridiculous such accusations are, but Fusenshoff, like many great TV personalities, will not be bothered with pesky reality or silly facts.
“Now, for the reaction to Fusenshoff’s promo, let’s get the opinion of a completely irrelevant bystander with absolutely no qualifications.”
(
CUTTO: A 14-year old Hispanic boy standing outside a park.)
BOY: “Did he just claim to entertain the audience by pointing out flaws in someone’s argument? What is this, the Internet?”
(
CUTTO: Back to the studio with Anarky.)
ANARKY: “Indeed. What is this... the Internet?
“Not to be swayed by simple facts and figures, or even my own words, Fusenshoff has systematically DESTROYED ME in his promos, according to his very own truthy words, which, as we all know, are fairly infallible. Citation not necessary.
“Not only has this man… this, no, not a man, this HERO… not only has he stood up in the face of all semblance of reality, but he has even managed to entertain everyone at home with his witty banter, successful barbs, and hilarious observations!
“Now, we cut to a completely unsourced and unverified infographic showing his unbelievable promo skills for the fans at home.”
(
CUTTO: The infographic.)
(
CUTTO: Back to the studio with Anarky.)
ANARKY: “Indeed. In fact, the polls I have just made up at this very moment all seem to indicate that Fusenshoff is totally ‘pwning’ me and will soon be paraded through the streets as not just a hero and a slayer of men, but as a defender of truth, justice, and brilliant critiques of other people’s wrestling promos.
“How can one man possibly absorb so much truth and still find time to cut such wildly entertaining promos, sometimes sitting, sometimes standing, sometimes pointing out several grammatical errors IN THE SAME SENTENCE?!?
“The world may never know. This is Anarky for the Anarky News Network, thank you.”
(
He smiles and puts down the papers and stands up, revealing that he’s not wearing any pants and seems to have on some Guns n’ Roses boxer shorts on. He walks around the front of the desk and lights a cigarette before he begins again.)
ANARKY: “Truth is, Fuse.. ain’t much point arguing with you. You wanna believe what you wanna believe.
“I try to help you understand context… how the motivations of a man who has been in this as long as I am can change and evolve over time, and all you hear is me telling you how great I am. I tell you that I have seen glory, and you think I’m calling myself a dominant champion. I tell you that you aren’t actually LISTENING to me, and you think you got under my skin and made me angry?
“Sh*t, Fuse.. the mailman makes me angry. The sun makes me angry. People driving in the left-hand lane less than 80 miles an hour make me angry. I wake up angry. I make my eggs angry. You wanna take credit for makin’ the sun shine, too?
“I mean, f*ck… what’s the point? Why even bother? I really don’t even need to be here. You might as well be fighting someone else, because we’re going to have to listen to the same generic sh*t spilling out of your mouth about how great I think I am and how I am gonna just turn you into a practice dummy.
“I have to admit, Fuse… I’m a little disappointed. I was under the impression that you were supposed to be some kind of phenom. I asked around, y’know, and people said you were pretty good. Said you had a good head on your shoulders. Great potential.
“But instead, I have to come out here, and listen to you argue. I have to listen to yet another so-called superstar jerk himself off on TV and pretend to make a soufflé. And you call this entertainment.
“Entertainment? Really? You think people wanna hear you argue about how I talk?
“Tell you what, Fuse. You keep on keepin’ on. You tell the world how mediocre my career is. How I’m looking past you. How I think I’m some dominant Champion and Veteran who is gonna wipe the ring with you. You keep telling everyone how I think and how I am.
"You keep explaining to me how this business works. How seniority doesn’t buy you sh*t. How I’m such a hype machine.
“I’ve spent my whole career listening to people tell me what kind of person I am. You ain’t the first. You won’t be the last. Just the nature of the game.
“Maybe if you keep repeatin’ that sh*t, maybe you can convince everyone at home that you really ARE entertaining and not some boring halfwit who spends his entire promo time going through my videos line-by-line to prove what a great debater he is.
“Or maybe you’re right and I’m just a mediocre fraud who makes the same mistakes every time and is gonna get his ass handed to him.
“Such is the beauty of our sport, my friend… in the end, the truth shall set us free.
“We'll find it together, won't we, brother.”
(
FADEOUT as he winks to the camera.)