Yay for stuff!!!
(CUEUP: “Drunk kid Catholic” by Bright Eyes…)
(CUTTO: Krist Blue, hair bleached and in pig-tails, black “Hello Kittie” T-shirt and a black tutu, smoking a red clove cigarette, hanging outside some really scummy mall somewhere….)
“America’s Sweetheart”
KRIST BLUE: Yeah, like, wow, feminism ‘n sh(bleep). We’re sistas doin’ it fer ourselves now, on our own all girl show!! Yaaaaaay us! (clears throat…And hawks a loogie on the sidewalk) Ew. Uh, scuse me…
But, like, Victoria? It’s cool that you wanna make a statement about us chicks not being helpless ‘n sh(bleep), but, hey…watch this….
(some DUMB GUY with greasy curly hair, wearing a Johnny the Homicidal Maniac T-shirt and black pants walks by…)
KRIST: Uh…excuse me, sir? Do you have any alcohol?
DUMB GUY: Why, yes I do. I mean, I am going to the mall, after all.
KRIST: Can I have some?
DUMB GUY: Sure. (pulls a flask out of his back pocket, and hands it to Krist..)
KRIST: Thanks dude. (guzzles the entire contents of the flask in a single gulp…Then hands the dude the flask back…)
DUMB: What the….?
KRIST: Oh, I’m sorry, was that all your whiskey?
DUMB: Obviously. Now I have to go back to the packie…
KRIST: Well, have fun.
(Dumb Guy walks off)
KRIST: See?! See?! I don’t need help from dudes, but I can exploit then when they’re nice to me, only ‘cuz they think they’ll be able to have sex with me if they’re eeeeextra nice! And maybe they can have sex with me, some of the time, but that’s beside my point! And I probably do need help!! But not like, help opening doors! Like, help like, with brain meats!!! I’m a loony person, Vickie!! Whooooo! (does a little stomping crazy dance) But it’s cool, ‘cuz I’ve been prescribed plenty of vicodin, so it’s not like I’m gonna put my fingernails in your eyes er nuthin’ like that. That would be SO MEAN!!!
Oooooh! Lookit you!! You can pick up your OWN SUITCASE!! You’re like, Camille Paglia and the Hulk put together!! (fake gasp) Except you’re obviously not!! (sticks out her tongue and rocks a big wet raspberry). Gawd, like, who f(bleep)king cares? You think the, oooh, (makes quote marks w/fingers) “Audience is gonna appreciate our athletic abilities now?” Or whatever? They don’t even appreciate the BOY wrestlers like that! You are dumb and stuck up! Y’know what Sweden makes me think of?! ABBA!!! I HATE ABBA!!! AND ACE OF BASE!!! Booo!!! Booooo in your mouth!! Ooooh! And NAZIS!! That’s where they kept their money!! NAZIS F(bleep)ING SUCK. I gonna slap you across the face for all the bad disco music and hate-monger capital in your stupid country.
S’like, yeah, I lost a whole buncha times. But s’like, no biggie. I was trained by Em Dubbya Gee, and he’s like…good. And famous. And hot. I mean, even though his organs are all messed up, he like, brought sexy back, then took it away, then brought it back again, and then let me watch while he had sex with some guys who were also hot, but not as hot as him. Also, I used to date Felix Red, and he’s like…also good at wrestling. But not sexy. Like, at all. And bad in bed. And mean. But he wins all his matches ‘n whatever, even if he just cheats and does lots of steroids. But my point is, that I’m a mother damnin’ student of the game. I like, honor and revere, the time honored traditions of this business. And I’m mad sick of losing every night. Too bad you couldn’t have run into me back when I didn’t mind losing, Vickie, babe. ‘Cuz now you’re gonna get yer head stomped on. Fall down. Go-(makes little jerking off motion with an open fist in the hair, and mocks ejaculation towards the camera, rocking a ejaculatory raspberry) pppbbbbblllllllesh.
(FTB)