We find the group known as Dirk Dickwood Presents in their Sunday bests (better than all the rest), Dirk is adorned once again in a dapper as you can be for a man of his stature 3-piece suit, a little blue handkerchief popping out of his breast pocket. Cecilworth attired in similar but in lieu of a handkerchief, he sports a chained pocketwatch instead. Rounding out the group, wearing his neatest and nicest "SECURITY" black t-shirt was the one and only Hank, arms afolded, standing behind Dirk and Cecilworth as they stood in front of the most darling EPW King of the Cage banner you ever did see.
Dickwood: I'd like to apologise to Tony. Well... to be more exact, I'd like to apologise to two Tonies which I can only assume is the plural of Tony. First, I would like to extend a hearty apology to one of Wales' greatest professional snooker players, Tony Davies for having the audacity to compare his excellence to a lowly miscreant like Tony Davis. It was truly an inspiration to see him break so highly back in Thailand. I remember it so fondly, it was 1995 and I was in Thailand to watch snooker. Tony Davies had a high break. Yup, those were the days, jet setting around the world, watching snooker on television, a bevy of beauties by my side...
Farthington: Yah, Dirk, I mean... I find you to be an inspiration yah but y'know, how do you end up with a bevy of...
Dickwood: THAILAND. Which part of that don't you get?
Farthington: Oh, yah, I get you. The old stop and snort. Totes did some of that back in my Eton days with Wild William and Drug Dealing Dan...
Dickwood: I think that may be the least imaginative alliterative friend you've ever mentioned.
Farthington: Dan? Well, the only thing we knew about him is that he once met a drug dealer, y'know. Yah, wild times, totes totes wild times.
Dirk rolls his eyes just a little bit, a smidge of eye rolling if you will.
Dickwood: But seriously, we have some laughs here but I do want to legitimately apologise to Tony. His words moved me in a way that I'd never thought possible, to hear his tale of woe and adversity, the struggles he has faced in his career ever since the heady days of the early naughties. It's inspirational that Tony Davis is still here to tell his story, battling through injury after injury, his brain basically the consistency of pancake batter at this point in his career. It's just overwhelming. I could feel my heart pounding as we were walked through such a pitiful tale of woe. I mean what a loser Tony Davis is, being a World Champion twelve years ago. I mean it's just vomit inducing to think of poor Tony Davis sat out in the cold on Christmas, his only comfort, his years at the top of this industry. To think, he'd still have a reputation if he'd had the sense to retire years ago. I'M OVERCOME WITH EMOTION.
Dirk grabs the handkerchief from his breast pocket and dabs his eyes a little.
Dickwood: I just can't imagine... I just can't imagine how I could ever have had the gall to put him on the same level as the esteemed actor Tony Danza. We all know Tony Danza, we all love Tony Danza, from his beloved role of Chachi on the hit sitcom M*A*S*H. I just don't know how I could have ever confused the two of them, I mean one of them is a legend in his industry, beloved by his peers and still incredibly relevant to this day and the other is Tony Davis...
There is a brief moment of silence.
Farthington: Dirk, yah, y'know, I told you I wasn't going to spend money on a guy to come in purely to play rimshot. The Farthington's didn't get where they are in this world being wasteful like that.
Dickwood: No, they got where they are through decades of inbreeding.
Farthington: Gotta keep the bloodline pure.
Dirk shudders a little as Farthington continues.
Farthington: Y'know Dirk, the Farthingtons, we're a race horse owning family. We're a race horse breeding family too. We're quite successful at it, I would imagine at least one twentieth of my family's vast wealth comes from our horses. We've even had a few Grand National winners in our time, they're brought in millions, they were big deals, they were a sought after commodity were the Farthington horses, still are, y'know totes big big buckeroos to be made with them.
Dickwood: Is this going anywhere?
Farthington: Give me a chance Slick Dick. At the end of the day though Dirk, at the end of the journey, at the end of the line, even our most prized horse has to be put out to pasture immediately after they are no longer of any intrinsic value. We don't take any pride or joy in shooting our worn out horses right in their horsey heads, far from it, these are horses we've cared and provided for after all. Eventually though, a horse will cry out in pain, it will look you in the eyes as if to beg you to pull the trigger and end its misery. You see, a horse knows when it's time to go to the glue factory, a horse know when the gig is up. They're really wise creatures, they would rather a bullet to the brain than a lifetime of pain. You have to understand horses to know that look though Dirk, to see that expression that begs for the rifle. I'm gifted, I have a sense for these things, totes have a sixth sense for putting down the horses. When I saw dear old Tony Davis pour his heart out to the camera, I saw it Dirk, I saw that look in his eyes, I saw that same look I've seen a dozen times. The man wants us to end it. He's begging us to end his pain because he can't end it himself. He doesn't know how. He's that far gone.
Dirk strokes his chin in a contemplative manner as Cecilworth pulls out a comb from his inside jacket pocket and begins slicking his hair back.
Dickwood: Good Hawkeye impression C-Money, I loved Fawlty Towers. My wealthy cohort raises a great point though. Team VIAGRA really does seem to be the pinnacle, the poster children if you will of those who should've left the industry long ago. Those who should really have hung up their tights and passed on the torch to those more capable than themselves. I mean look at poor Tony Davis, I'd book him an appointment for a memory clinic but I doubt he'd remember how to open a door. Still, it's a plague that our industry cannot escape from, those who just don't know when to quit, to wave that flag of surrender. Sometimes you just have to do it for them. Sometimes you have to be the bigger man and hospitalise your opponent for the sake of their own well-being. That's some that Hank and Cecilworth are more than willing to do at Aggression 71.
Dickwood: Tony, you don't need this. You've never needed this. You said it yourself, you were a World Champion in the year of our Lord, 2000. You've climbed that ladder, it's time to climb back down, other people need to fix their lightbulbs. You and Jack, you've proven yourselves, you've had that moment in the sun. Viagra is a proven commodity but it's one people are starting to tire of. They lust for something new, something a little bit rough around the edges, something exciting. That's what we are.
The people who need this win are the future of the industry, the youth, the vibrant, the men who will lead EPW into a better tomorrow today, that's Dirk Dickwood Presents. Hank, a behemoth of a man, a giant with a passion for ramming his boot up the backside of those who stand in his way, a man who just six months ago was working security detail for me is now an amazing wrestling talent in his own right. Cecilworth Farthington, a man that proves that money CAN buy you everything. He trains non stop with his delightful army of muscular men. DDP are two matches away from becoming the cornerstones of this industry. They are young, they are hungry and by their side they have me, a man already nominated for the Golden Highheel, a man who exudes managerial excellence. We are the complete unit and we are ready to send Viagra to the glue factory.
Farthington: Nah man, the glue factory dudes and dudettes, they are totes virile enough already.
Dirk dejectly shakes his head and continues to power through.
Dickwood: Tony, I'd recommend you join the management brethren but you do have to pass a numeracy and literacy exam to get aboard and what with your brain mush slowly leaking out of your ear, I wouldn't fancy your chances. As for you Mr. Harmen, DDP may not be zombies but I'm sure Hank would gladly feast on your skull but I can't help but feel that the contents therein are already out of stock.
Dirk tilts his head back and laughs, he is joined by Cecilworth in enjoying a hearty laugh. The screen suddenly freezes are the following song plays: