AGGRESSION 10: Minneapolis, MN - 7/21/04

[DBrunkGXW]

[CUE UP: "Imperial March" - Rage Against the Machine. A video montage plays, featuring smoke-wreathed images of various wrestlers, some of them leaving blurred trails as they move.
CUT TO: Beast nailing the Absolution on Christian Sands.

CUT TO: Karl Brown coming off the ropes with a Quebrada.

CUT TO: Christian Sands taking Beast down into the Sandman's Clutch.

CUT TO: Troy Douglas standing victorious on a turnbuckle.

CUT TO: Adam Benjamin delivering a Shining Wizard to Karl Brown.

CUT TO: John Doe and Aodhan Lorigan striding down the ramp.

CUT TO: Jonathan Marx throwing Karl Brown over the ropes.

CUT TO: Lindsay Troy dropkicking Christian Sands.

CUT TO: Tyrone Walker locking up with Karl Brown.

CUT TO: Dan Ryan sitting sedately in a chair, staring into the camera.

CUTTO: With a clash of metal, a logo slams across the screen, its edges flickering.]





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[Cut to the ramp, where a wreath of pyro explodes around the EmpireTron and several bomblike, smoky explosions ripple about the entry way. The camera zooms in on the screen as the pyro finally peters out, then blurs to roving shots of the roaring crowd as a small banner in the corner briefly appears to proclaim that EPW is broadcast en Espanol. Various signs are visible in the crowd: "WE ARE BEAST FANS", "Sebastian Dodd Is My Hero!", "Big Daddy English Rules The Roost", "LINDSAY TROY: THE QUEEN OF THE WHOREHOUSE", "RESPECT EMPEROR MARX", "Bad Dragon!", "I WANT TO GET INTO JOEY MELTON'S TRUNKS", "Troy Douglas Is For Real!", and finally, "Hey Golem, I Have The Precious".]

[Cut to ringside, where our intrepid announce team lurks.]

DT: It's a sold-out crowd here tonight at the Target Center! Welcome, everybody, to Aggression - live from Minneapolis! I'm Dave Thomas, and with me as always is Mike Neely!

MN: What up, Burgerman!

DT: Well, for one thing, our ratings, buyrates, and attendance rates.

MN: Aw dag, we're movin' on up!

DT: So it would seem. We've got a stacked show for you tonight, folks, and it's going to be topped off by the first-ever Empire Royal Rumble for a shot at the Intercontinental Title at our next Pay-Per-View - Wrestleverse!

MN: Nothin' wrong with a good rumble. Especially when it's royal!

DT: I concur. But for now, we've got some tag-team action for you folks at home to start the night off! This one's for the World Tag Team Championships...and I'll tell you right now, this one is going to blow the roof off, don't you think?

MN: I sure hope not...what if it rains then?

DT: Sigh...



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EPW World Tag-Team Championship
The Cameron Cruise Project (C) vs. Golem & X-Ecutioner
[CUE UP: "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails. X-Ecutioner and Golem appear on the stage, the former carrying a sledgehammer, the latter a rather large bound folder and a microphone. They make their way to the ring being bombarded by jeers from the crowd, taking their time. They both carefully climb the stairs, X-Ecutioner stepping over the top rope as Golem vaults into the ring over the ropes. They make their way over to the corner, smiling, as they wait for their opponents]

TF: Introducing first, both hailing from Death Valley, weighing in at a combined weight of five hundred and twenty three pounds... GOOOOOOLLLLLLLLEEEEEMMMMMMMM and his partner, the XXXXXXX-EEEEEEEECCCCCCCCUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTIIIOOONNNNEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!

DT: And there are the Challengers, five hundred and twenty pounds between them, certainly the size advantage goes to these two.

MN: But that just means that you can hand the speed and quickness edge right to the Champions.

DT: Good point Mike.

[Cue Up: "Headstrong" by Trapt as Cameron Cruise, accompanied by Mercedes Devon, walks halfway down the ramp and waits.]

TF: Weighing in at 249 pounds, a native of Jacksonville, North Carolina...CAMEROOOOOOOOOON CRUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIISSSSSEEEE!!!!!!

["Headstrong" fades out, only to be replaced by "All the Things She Said" by Tatu, as the crowd goes completely bonkers. Joey Melton emerges from the entranceway and strolls confidently towards Cruise. They meet and head to the ring together.]

TF: His tag team partner is one of the true legends of professional wrestling. Hailing from New York City, New York and weighing in at 210 pounds...JOOOOOEEEEEEEEYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEELLLLTTTTTTOOOONNNN!!!!!!!

TOGETHER THEY ARE YOUR WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS...THE CAMERON CRUISE PROJECT!

DT: And here we go, this one is for all the marbles...

[SFX: Bell rings]

DT: Melton and X-Ecutioner starting this one off...X charges in, Melton deftly avoids and goes behind, Joey Melton attempting a rollup here, but he can't get X over! Now X drops straight down on his back on top of Melton sandwiching him underneath!

MN: Oooooooh.

[X-Ecutioner in control picks up Joey Melton and drags him to the corner, he makes a tag to Golem, Golem begins hammering away with a series of punches...he then backs off and delivers a running lariat into the body of Joey Melton.]

DT: The challengers looking sharp here off the get-go, and it looks like we've got ourselves a title match Mike.

MN: Well, duh, it's a match, the tag titles are on the line, I think that Stevie Wonder could have seen we've got a title match.

DT: Golem grabs the dazed Melton...DDT! COVER!

1...

2...

KICKOUT AT TWO...with a little more authority than I'd have expected!

[Golem grabs Melton and whips him towards the far corner, he backs off into his own setting up for another running lariat, Golem charges, and Melton makes a quick tag to Cruise, and slides between the legs of Golem. Golem eats the turnbuckle, and backs out dazed as Cruise goes up top...]

DT: GREAT MOVE BY MELTON TO GET OUT OF THE WAY! That's why they are the World Tag Team Champions...Cruise up top...MISSLE DROPKICK FINDS THE MARK!

MN: Actually, it found Golem, not Mark.

DT: I meant...oh nevermind...

[Cruise in control of Golem mounts one half of the challengers, and begins firing away with a series of lefts and rights. Cruise picks up the dazed Golem and drives him down with a DDT.]

Cruise[Yelling]: Now THAT'S a DDT!

DT: Cruise very confident and in control, being the champion allows for a little bit of leeway.

MN: A great man once said, when you're the champion, you don't have to beat them, they have to beat you.

DT: Bobby Heenan?

MN: No, me!

[Cruise whips Golem to the corner and calls for X-Ecutioner to step into the ring. The big man makes the tag and Cruise gets right in his face. X-Ecutioner pushes him down, Cruise gets right back up, and right back into the face of X-Ecutioner who does it a second time, and follows up with a kick to the side of the head.]

DT: Brutal kick right there by X-Ecutioner...

MN: But look at that, Cruise is getting right back up calling for more...

DT: X-Ecutioner with a right hand...

Blocked, and Cruise fires back with one of his own!

Again a right from the big man, and again blocked and answered with one of his own. Cruise grabs an arm-wringer on X-Ecutioner and drags him back towards...Joey Melton.

[Cruise, controling the arm tags in Melton who goes up top and drops a big time fist to the shoulder of X-Ecutioner. Melton and Cruise then each grab an arm firing X-Ecutioner to the far side, on the rebound the Champions hit a bigtime double dropkick and send the challenger to the floor.]

DT: What a double dropkick! Here comes Golem into the ring, he's tied up with Melton and Cruise is going to the top!

MN: The official has clearly lost control of this one...Golem looks like he's got control of Melton though!

DT: That looks a really even exchange to me Mike!

[Melton leaps from the top to the floor...but is caught by X-Ecutioner...Golem whips Melton towards the ropes, and he delivers a tope' onto Cruise sending himself and his tagteam partner down on top of X-Ecutioner...]

DT: WHAT A MOVE BY JOEY MELTON AND THREE QUARTERS OF THE COMPETITORS ARE DOWN ON THE FLOOR!

MN: And with both legal men out there, and no distraction from Melton and Golem going at it, we've got a countout brewing!

[The crowd begins chanting along with the official as the count goes on...

1...

2...

3...]

DT: Melton and Cruise now stirring and they're getting X-Ecutioner to his feet...

[4...

5...

6...]

DT: X-ECUTIONER WITH A BURST TAKES BOTH CHAMPIONS DOWN WITH A CLOTHESLINE!

MN: Now he tosses Melton in, and slides in himself breaking the count.

DT: And we've regained some semblance of order, with Golem in his respective corner, and a dazed Cameron Cruise heading back into his.

[X-Ecutioner grabs Melton for a chokeslam...but on the way up, he manages to twist himself and secure a cross-armbreaker on the challenger...both men go down, Cruise reaches from the corner towards Melton who extends a free hand making the tag while maintaining the armbreaker...]

DT: The champions working on the arm of the big man, and they have been from the get-go.

MN: If you take away one of those arms, you take away a significant power advantage...and that's what the champs are doing here.

DT: That's some great insight...

MN: I know.

[Cruise steps into the ring, and begins stomping away at the knee of X-Ecutioner, while Melton holds the arm-breaker...as the referee gets near a 5 count, Melton breaks and leaves the ring.]

DT: Melton coming dangerously close to a DQ there.

MN: He knew what he was doing the whole time.

DT: Cruise hooks that leg...and now he's trying to lock in the Cruise Control! HE'S GOT IT! AND X-ECUTIONER IS HURTING!

[X-Ecutioner fights the hold, looking ready to give it in several times and Cruise REALLY tweaked the STF in HARD. But finally X-Ecutioner manages to reach for the bottom rope, and secures a break.]

DT: X-Ecutioner needed every inch of that big frame of his to get the ropes there...

[Cruise picks up X-Ecutioner and whips him to the corner...X-Ecutioner gets a foot up and makes a tag to Golem who goes up top...X-Ecutioner grabs the dazed Cruise...]

DT: This could be it!

MN: This could be The Pact!

DT: And here it comes, Inverted Suplex! And there goes Golem off the top...but noone is home! Cruise out the back door, and behind X-Ecutioner narrowly avoiding certain disaster!

MN: He JUST got out of that suplex in the nick of time, or else Golem comes crashing down with him, with X-Ecutioner, and we've got new Tag Champs!

[Cruise pushes X-Ecutioner into Golem, the two meet heads in the middle...Cruise rolls up X-Ecutioner!]

DT: Cover...

1...

2...

And the ref is calling off the pinfall! He's telling Cruise that X-Ecutioner is NOT the legal man!

MN: CC must have missed that while he was holding his face after that big boot...

DT: But the right call from the official nonetheless.

[Cruise gets up off the X-Ecutioner and kicks him towards the outside...Golem comes up from behind...

But Cruise is ready and blasts him with a bigtime clothesline before tagging in Melton.]

DT: Down goes Golem, and the Champions are in firm control of this matchup...

MN: Melton now in and he's got a series of kicks for Golem.

[Melton delivers textbook snap suplex on the challenger, before dragging him towards the corner, he climbs to the top, tagging Cruise along the way. Melton delivers a picture perfect moonsault, before getting to his feet, heading to the ropes, and slingshotting himself to the floor to take out a rising X-Ecutioner...]

DT: JOEY MELTON JUST SINGLEHANDEDLY TOOK OUT BOTH MEMBERS OF THE CHALLENGING TEAM!

MN: He's a house of fire!

DT: You can say that again!

MN: He's a house of fire!

[Golem gets pulled to his feet by Cameron Cruise, who proceeds to whip him to the far side, Golem ducks a clothesline on the rebound, and on the way back delivers one of his own, a big time Western Lariat...he grabs Cruise, picks him up and tries to whip him to the ropes, Cruise reverses, and Golem comes right back with another Western Lariat...]

DT: A second Lariat here by Golem is BLOCKED BY CRUISE WHO USED GOLEM'S OWN MOMENTUM AGAINST HIM AND DROVE HIM DOWN WITH THE REALITY CHECK!

COVER!

1...

2...

3...AND THIS ONE IS OVER!

[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings as the crowd cheers.]

TF: Your winners, and the STILL EMPIRE PRO TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS....CAMERRRRRRRROOOOOOON CRUUUUUUUUIIIIIIISSSSSEEEE and JOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLTTTTTOOOOOOONNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!



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DT: What a great match! That was a hell of a showing for both teams...

MN: It was...but it felt to me like the Champions were always one step ahead.

DT: No question about that, it might be the night for Golem and X-Ecutioner in the future, but tonight wasn't the night. The Tag Team Champions of the World had an answer for everything the challengers threw at them...and they showed why they are the best in the world.

MN: I think it's safe to assume that the Cameron Cruise Project is a success after all.

DT: Mmhmm. Folks, we've got to take a quick break. Stay tuned!

[Cut to a commercial for Nag'N'***** cereal.]



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[DBrunkGXW]

DT: We're back!
MN: No! No we're not! We're still at commercials!

DT: Folks, this next match has been dismissed by many as an outright slaughter-

MN: AWWWWWW YEEEEEEAH! Are we talkin' about the match I think we are?

DT: Doe versus Sands.

MN: WOOOOOOOOO! Doe's funeral match!

DT: That's not true, Mike. I for one think it was very gutsy of John Doe to come out and challenge Christian Sands outright. This could be Doe's big chance to establish himself as a top-level player in Empire Pro. A win over the first EPW Champion would immediately give Doe main-event credibility.

MN: The more likely scenario is that Sands will *****slap him back to the insane asylum. I knew Doe was crazy, but dag.

DT: Well, what say we find out? Take it away, Tony!



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Christian Sands vs. John Doe
TONY FATORA: Th' following contest is scheduled for one fall!

["Dark Machine" by Paul Oakenfold cues up, and the lights in the arena go out; the GlobalTron lights up with an image of Christian Sands gazing down from a distance, his face illuminated as if by car headlights through a window. After the first fourteen seconds of the song, a red strobelight kicks in. Smoke machines begin blowing a drifting mist horizontally across the ramp as Christian Sands emerges, striding down the ramp with the mist curling about his feet. He vaults into the ring over the top rope and stretches his arms briefly before boosting himself up to a turnbuckle, seating himself there facing inward to await his opponent.]

TF: Introducing first, from Barrie, Ontario... He weighs in at two hundred and seventy pounds... He isss CHRRRRRRRRISTIAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN... SAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDSSSSSSS!!!

[Lights dim out as Sic by Slipknot blares on the PA system. Fans rise out of their seats, cheering as John Doe walks out on the ramp no pyrotechnics. He walks down the ramp a serious look on his face, carrying something in his right hand.]

TF: And the opponent! He weighs in at two hundred and ten pounds... He hails from parts unknown... He issss JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHN... DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!

[Doe quickly grabs Fatora's mic.]

DOE: Hey, Sandass. Look, buddy. I couldn't help but think about some things. I know you must feel bad, since you lost your title and all. I know you must feel like a total loser. It probably sucks being the ***** that you are. But hey. You're special. So here's a very special title for you.

[Smirking, Doe hands the object to Sands. The object is a paper plate with "VERY SPECIAL CHAMPIONSHIP" scrawled on it. Sands looks at it for a moment... then promptly slugs Doe in the teeth!]

[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]

DT: OH! Sands did NOT like that!

[His eyes burning, Doe pushes to his feet and circles Sands quickly. The big Canadian doesn't circle, however. He stands there, smirking like a cat spying a mouse. After a moment, Doe lunges in and hammerlocks Sands from behind. Sands promptly reverses him into an arm wringer, then into a headlock, then into a keylock, finally pushing Doe forward and ruffling his hair. Doe turns to glare at Sands, who points and laughs at him.]

MN: I told you.

DT: Oh dear! Sands with an impressive display of wrestling - and now he's MOCKING John Doe!

MN: Doe's getting what he wished for in a bad way, man!

[Slowly, Doe advances again, trying for a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Sands takes the raised hand... then uses his OTHER hand to slug Doe down to his hands and knees. Doe hits the mat, and Sands kicks him in the face, sending him sprawling. Again Christian points and laughs at Doe, who comes to his feet snarling.]

DT: What a kick by Sands there, nearly taking Doe's head off!

MN: And the I-Told-You-So's make it SO worthwhile.

[Doe charges at Sands aggressively and attempts to tackle him, but Sands calmly sidesteps, pushing Doe into the ropes. Rebounding, Doe leaps and attempts to score with a flying forearm, but Sands grabs him and slams him down with a hard belly-to-belly suplex!]

DT: OH! Belly-to-belly by the former World's Champion, as he's just MASSACRING John Doe!

MN: Were you expecting anything else?

[Pressing a hand to his back, Doe totters to his feet. Sands coolly moves in and kicks him in the gut, trying for a suplex. However, Doe floats through, landing behind Sands and clubbing him in the back a few times.]

DT: Wait! Doe floats through on the suplex - clubbing blows -

[The offense is short-lived. Sands reaches back and snapmares Doe over his shoulder, then grabs him by the jaw with one hand, using the other one to grind his knuckle into the top of Doe's scalp.]

MN: NOOGIES NOOGIES NOOGIES!!!

DT: Oh dear! Sands is giving John Doe a noogie! How humiliating!

MN: *laughing*

[Smirking, Sands takes a step back. Doe immediately shoots to his feet and tackles Sands, backing him into the ropes and driving a few shoulders into his gut. However, Sands slugs him in the back and reverses him into the corner, letting loose with a blistering chop that causes Doe to clutch at his chest in pain.]

DT: What a CHOP from Christian Sands!

MN: It's true! NOBODY chops like the Sandman! Those things are like bullets!

[Sands delivers a few more hard chops to Doe, then wheels him out of the corner with a powerful release Northern Lights suplex. Holding on, Sands maintains a bridge for the pin.]

DT: Northern lights with a bridge by Sands! There's the count! One-

TWO -

Kickout by Doe!

MN: Close call, though.

[Both men come to their feet. Doe steels himself and charges Sands, throwing a few punches. He whips the big man into the ropes and comes back with a flying clothesline... but Sands jumps, spins Doe in midair, and comes down with the smaller man firmly locked in the Sandman's Clutch submission!]

DT: WHAT THE - SANDMAN'S CLUTCH OUT OF NOWHERE!!!

MN: THAT WAS RIDICULOUS!!! HOW THE HELL DID HE DO THAT?!?

DT: I have NO clue, but Doe's SCREAMING IN AGONY here!

MN: This hold's put away so many people in EPW! No WAY Doe can survive!

DT: Doe trying to fight - NO!!! DOE'S TAPPING!!! DOE TAPS OUT!!!

[SFX: *DING* Bell rings.]

TONY FATORA: Here is your winnerrr... CHRRRRRRRISTIAAAAAANNNNNNNN... SAAAAAAAANNNNNNNDSSSSSSSSS!!!



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DT: I don't even know what to say, Mike. Doe had a shot at becoming a huge star, but like so many others he wound up crushed by Christian Sands.

MN: Well, Doe asked for it. He specifically asked for this.

DT: Hold on a minute, who's coming through the crowd?

[As Sands heads backstage, another figure emerges over the barricade. It's Troy Douglas. Rolling into the ring, Douglas grabs Fatora's mic, then approaches Doe.]

DOUGLAS: John, John, John. What happened? You were talking such a big game. But you got licked. Come on, John. We both know you're better than this. I can see it in your eyes. You have the potential to be a big star. So I'll tell you what. You and me, kid. I'm gonna take you under my wing and make sure that the star in you comes out. Hell... if we're lucky we'll even get your memory back. So whaddaya say, John?

[Douglas holds the mic out to Doe. Doe comes to his feet and stares at him for a moment.]

DOE: ...Yes.

[CROWD: *HUUUUUUUGE POP!!!*]

[As "Kashmir" cues up, Doe and Douglas shake hands, walking to the back.]



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DT: And there you have it, folks. John Doe may have lost the match, but he's gained the guidance of the veteran Troy Douglas.

MN: Argh, it's all a plot by that Megatron! He's gonna turn Doe into a Deceptacon!

DT ...I do NOT. Want. To know.

MN: Mwaha!

DT: In any case, this could spell a new beginning for Doe, as Douglas' advice can only help him in the long run. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

MN: Oh, is THAT what you call it.

DT: We've got to take a quick break, but when we come back, it's Troy Douglas and Boogie Smallz! Don't go away!

[Cut to a commercial for EPW action figures by Wakks Atlantic.]

 

[DBrunkGXW]

DT: Welcome back to the show. Folks, this next match was originally scheduled to go down over in Global X-treme Wrestling, but the promotion closed and it never happened.
MN: So here it is!

DT: Troy Douglas may be the number one contender, but you have to believe that Boogie Smallz has his eyes on Beast's title as well.

MN: Smallz is my dawg, yo. Watch him whip up on Megatron hardcore.

DT: Let's head to the ring.



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Troy Douglas vs. Boogie Smallz
TONY FATORA: The following match up is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first from Brooklyn, New York, Weighing in at 143 pounds.

[CUE UP: "Black Superman" by Above The Law. Boogie Smallz appears on the ramp as the fans cheer and boo, he strides his way down giving in a high-five here in there, Boogie slides in the ring]

TONY FATORA: BOOOGGGIIIEEEEE SSSMMMALLLZZZ!!!!!!!

MN: look at that mug, man looks determined set to break Troy Douglas to the last minutes of his life!

[CUE UP: "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin. As Troy Douglas comes out onto the ramp. And walks his way down fans roar in cheers as troy walks down the ramp]

TONY FATORA: and his opponent, from Greensboro, North Carolina, weighing in at 260 pounds...

[Troy Douglas slides in the ring as Troy and Boogie stare off.]

TONY FATORA: TTTTRRROOOYYY DDDOOOUUUGGLASSSS!

DT: Troy Douglas and Boogie Smallz looking at each other as the bell is sounded. Troy immediately going for the tie up. Boogie with the duck under and is behind Troy. Boogie pushing Troy against the ropes and using the force to roll back, roll up pin by Smallz.

MN: 1..kickout Boogie trying to end this one early. Douglas is up, So is Smallz, they tie up again, this time Troy gets the duck under. Troy behind Smallz, German suplex by Troy Douglas!

DT: AND ANOTHER GERMAN BY TROY as he rolls to his feet! I think he is goin fo the hat trick.

MN: This isn’t hockey Dave....

DT: Troy with a third German suplex with a bridge 1..kick out. Troy to his feet as Smallz holds his neck making his way to his feet also. Boogie turning around to face Troy, Troy puts him down with a clothesline, Smallz up quick, troy rebounding off the ropes, Boogie putting Troy down this time with a clothesline.

MN: These men are almost about eh same speed, same strength, it’s like they have each other mapped out. And now Troy is to his feet, toe kick by Douglas, Douglas grabbing Smallz and hitting a snap suplex the roll to his feet and another snap suplex. Douglas with the roll to his feet again and trying for third suplex!

DT: Troy lifting Boogie, but Smallz comes back down, Troy trying again, but yet again Smallz comes back down, SMALLZ USING THE WEIGHT OF TROY AND A SNAP SUPLEX BY BOOGIE SMALLZ THIS TIME!!

MN: Boogie hooking the leg of Troy Douglas and is now looking in an STF. Troy crawling to the ropes as Smallz pulls tighter.

DT: And Douglas gets the bottom rope, but Boogie isn’t letting go, the referee forcing Boogie to let go with that five count as Troy uses the ropes to get to his feet. Boogie with Irish whip Troy on the return....

MN: FLYING CLOTHESLINE BY DOUGLAS. Douglas Irish whipping Smallz to the turnbuckle. Knife edge chop by Troy!

Crowd: WOOOOO!

MN: And another!

Crowd: WOOOOO!

DT: Smallz grabbing the head of Troy and pulling him to the turnbuckle with a switch up. And Boogie with a knife edge chop off his own!

Crowd: WOOOOO!

DT: Smallz laying another knife edge chop!

Crowd: WOOOOO!

MN: Smallz going to the opposite turnbuckle and is charging at Troy. Smallz looking for a corner body splash!

DT: BUT DOUGLAS MOVES AND SMALLZ GOES CHEST FRIST INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!

MN: Troy with a school boy roll up! 1..2..kick out by Smallz!

DT: One of these two men have to get a pin as we are down to the last two minutes of this match-up. Smallz is up, Troy laying in multiple martial arts kicks and punches with that attack.

MN: Man this is a good match! Troy with two kicks to the gut to Smallz, Rebound off the ropes, SWINGING NECKBREAKER FROM TROY DOUGLAS!

DT: Troy Douglas tying up the legs of Boogie Smallz and locks in a sharpshooter. Smallz is trapped in the middle of the ring!

MN: Imagine this was for that title in GXW before it closed, but hate to break it to you folks you can only get this type of action here in EPW! Douglas pulling back hard on those legs, Boogie is using his strength to pull his legs forward!

DT: BOOGIE SMALLZ PULLING IS LEGS DOWN AND SENDING TROY DOUGLAS FACE FIRST INTO THE CANVAS!

MN: Troy is up, Boogie is on his way up, Troy taunting Boogie to get up. Smallz is up charging clothesline from Troy, Smallz ducks it, rebound off the ropes....

DT: FLYING FOREARM SMASH FROM BOOGIE SMALLZ! 30 seconds left in this match up as Boogie is calling for the Power Bong! He lifts up Troy, but Douglas hits him with a punch to the gut!

MN: They are exchanging punches left and rights, fists are flying! Troy getting the upper hand!

DT: NO!!! Uppercut by Smallz as he hit’s a series of jabs to the face off Troy busting his nose open!

MN: Troy with a left hook busting the mouth of Boogie Smallz open! BOTH MEN ARE BLEEDING FROM THESE PUNCHES!

DT: They are hitting pull force no gloves on their hands-

[SFX: *DINGDINGDINGDING*]

DT: - Wait a minute, the bell just went off!

MN: What the heck?

[As the official separates the wrestlers, Tony Fatora lifts his mic.]

TONY FATORA: Ladies and gentlemen, the fifteen-minute time limit has expired... and this match has been ruled as a DRAW!!!



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[CROWD: BOOOOOOOOO!]

DT: Well, Mike, we've got a draw on our hands and this crowd doesn't like it one bit!

MN: But we CAN'T have a draw! What crap! Come on! I wanna see blood!

DT: These fans wanted to see a winner, but for now it seems Smallz and Douglas are evenly matched. Perhaps in the future we'll see one of them come out on top.



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[Backstage: In his locker room, JA is making some final preparations for the battle royale. Suddenly, his cell phone starts ringing.]

JA: Oh Christ, who could this be? It had better not be another goofy message.

[JA picks up the phone.]

JA: Ye-llo?

Voice: Hey, how’s it going there, tough guy?

JA: Oh Christ, what do you want?

Voice: Nothing much, just wanted to wish you luck in your match tonight.

JA: I don’t buy it. What do you really want?

Voice: What, you don’t believe an old friend?

JA: I know you, and you’re not that type.

Voice: Well, I’ll just have to drop by and tell you in person.

JA: What, you mean, you’re... here?

Voice: Oh no, no, not tonight. I still need to iron out some contractual issues first, but let’s just say I’ll be here sooner rather than later.

JA: Oh, I’ll be counting down the days.

Voice: Heh... later.

[JA ends the call and throws his cell into his duffel bag.]

DT: Who could that have been?

[Cut to a commercial for Empire Pro-O's Sugar Cereal.]

 

[DBrunkGXW]

[We return... just as a familiar riff cues up.]


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"Gentleman" Jonathan Marx vs. "Queen Of The Ring" Lindsay Troy
TF: The following contest is a non-title match!
[Cue up the unmistakable opening riff of "Heartbreaker" by Led Zeppelin. The curtains fling open and The Queen of the Ring, Lindsay Troy, steps from the back with a not-too-satisfied look on her face.]

DT: The Queen certainly isn't happy tonight, Mike.

MN: Well, one night in a hotel room with me and she will!

DT: I don't think 45 seconds of not-as-hot action with you will make up for the fact that Troy is wrestling Jonathan Marx and the Intercontinental Championship isn't on the line.

MN: I'm sure most women, even fierce competitors like Queenie, would rather get it on with me than wrestle, but point taken.

[Troy enters the ring and leans back on the far ropes, staring out into the arena. "Only Happy When It Rains" then hits on the PA and the Intercontinental Champion, Jonathan Marx steps out from the rear. He strides down to the ring with an uneasy look on his face.]

DT: You'd think Marx is going in there to wrangle with the Reaper the look he has on his face.

MN: Well, dimwit, Troy is his friend, and anyone would take fighting a friend tough. But you wouldn't know about that since you got no friends.

DT: Let's not go there.

[Marx enters the ring and hands the Intercontinental Championship belt to the ref who gives it to Tony Fatora on the outside. Marx and Troy head to the middle of the ring and the bell sounds. Marx extends his hand to Troy, who shoots him a look that would kill a lesser man.]

LT: Cut the crap, Jon.

[Marx shrugs it off, and they grapple. Troy gets the early advantage, wrangling Marx into a side headlock. Marx wiggles and shoves Troy from off him. The Queen stumbles forward, turns around, but doesn't bounce off the ropes. She nods at Marx as if to say "good show."

The two grapple up again, and this time it's Marx with the advantage with a go-behind to a rear waistlock. Troy now has to struggle to get free, and she counters going into a rear waistlock of her own. Marx goes to elbow Troy to free himself, but is mindful of his promise not to strike the Queen in her face. He stops and then wiggles free himself, getting back into the aggressor's position. Marx goes for a back body drop, but Troy flips herself over, landing on her feet. She pushes Marx forward, and the champion turns around and bounces off the ropes. He goes for a clothesline, but Troy ducks. On the rebound Troy goes for a crucifix, but Marx tosses her off before she can establish the hold. They turn around and face each other, as the crowd respectfully claps for the back and forth display.]

DT: Solid wrestling display from these two elite Empire superstars.

[Troy and Marx lock up again. This time, the champion catches the Queen with a knee to the abdominal area. Troy bends over slightly, but Marx makes her stand right straight up again with one knife-edge chop...]

Crowd: WOOOO!

[...and another...]

Crowd: WOOOO!

[...and one final one...]

Crowd: WOOOO!

[...before Troy falls to the canvas.]

DT: Well, there goes those knife-edge chops that Marx promised.

MN: Well, if I were him, I'd have reached a little lower and was a little more gentle...

DT: Please, this is a family show!

[Marx sits Troy up for the bow and arrow hold and locks the move in. He doesn't have it in for more than a few moments before Troy forces her way out. She gets to her feet and lunges for Marx's throat, but Marx dodges and takes her down in a Fujiwara armbar. He has the hold locked in for a bit, but Lindsay gets to the ropes. Marx breaks immediately.]

DT: Marx's strategy so far seems to be to wear down Troy.

MN: Then why not rent a motel room?

DT: I think maybe because Marx might get worn down before Troy?

MN: Good point.

[Marx and Troy both get up. The Intercontinental Champion goes for another hard chop, but Troy blocks it and sends a martial arts palm strike right to the bottom of Marx's jaw. As Marx jerks his head back, Troy sends a chop right to Marx's chest. She then grabs Marx's arm, tosses him off the ropes and on the rebound, fluidly hits him with a roundhouse heel kick. Marx falls to the ground while Troy lands on her feet. Troy goes up to Marx's head and drives a knee into his skull. She covers...

1...

...but she can only get that, and just barely.

Troy goes to pick up Marx, but he suddenly grabs her and rolls her up in a small package...

1...

...but Troy just as quickly kicks out.]

DT: This is as tight a wrestling match as you can get so far.

[Both competitors get up and shake out their cobwebs. An overzealous would-be challenger Troy lunges at Marx, but the wily champion grabs her, whips her off the ropes and hits her with a big spinebuster, rolling seamlessly into a cover...

1...

2...

...but Troy kicks out again.

Marx picks Troy up, but Troy chops Marx in his chest once, twice, thrice. She whips him off the ropes and then counters with a face-plant right to the knee. Marx hops back, holding his face, but lunges right back forward. The Queen anticipates this and counters him with a double-arm DDT. She covers...

1...

2...

But Marx kicks out.]

DT: This match is split right down the middle.

MN: You should expect that. These two know each other too well.

[Troy picks Marx back up, but Marx shoves her off and hits her with a hard chop to the chest. He hits her with another chop, and then kicks her in the gut to stop her reverse momentum. As she's doubled over, Marx grabs her and plants her with a gourdbuster. He covers...

1...

2...

...but Troy kicks out.

Marx pounds the mat and picks Troy up again. He goes for a vertical suplex, but Troy counters it with a small package...

1...

...but Marx quickly kicks out. Marx and Troy get up at about the same time, and Troy bolts in with a lightning-fast strike to Marx's skull. She then follows that up with a clothesline that sends Marx to the canvas. She picks Marx up and slams him back down to the canvas with a double underhook face plant. She covers...

1...

2...

...but Marx kicks out.

Troy goes to pick Marx up, but once again, he chops her and backs her off.]

DT: I can't believe how Marx is still hanging on, or how Troy keeps coming back after she gets in danger. I don't think either one of them wants to lose this match.

MN: Duh, what else you gonna tell us next, that Paul Freeman and Dan Ryan like making money?

[As Troy is reeling, Marx grabs her and hits her with a butterfly suplex. As she's prone on the ground, Marx drives one knee, another knee, another knee and a fourth knee across her chest above her breasts.]

DT: Marx looks to be going for the kill here!

[Marx picks Troy up and grabs her in a front waistlock. He then snaps back and hits Troy with a big belly-to-belly suplex. He covers...

1...

2...

Th...

...no! Troy kicks out.]

DT: That was close!

[Marx slaps the mat again and picks Troy up. He goes for another belly-to-belly, but Troy muscles in an elbow to Marx's face. Marx breaks the front waistlock and Troy nails him with another elbow. She then kicks him in the gut and nails him with a DDT. Not content with that, Troy picks Marx up and chops him successively across the chest again. She whips him off the ropes and on the rebound, grabs him in a cobra clutch. As she has the hold locked in, she steps aside and hits him with a variant on the Russian leg sweep. Troy rises and stands right at the side of the prone Marx. She jumps and...]

DT: OH MY LORD! STANDING SHOOTING STAR PRESS ON MARX!

[Troy covers...

1...

2...

Thr...

...but Marx BARELY kicks out.]

DT: Oh man! I thought Troy had that match won there!

MN: Me too!

[The Queen gets up and picks Marx up, who wobbles like he's drunk. Troy ascends the top and motions the throat-slash as she jumps...]

DT: CROWNING GLORY?

[But right at the last second before she's able to grab hold for the DDT, Marx falls out of the way.]

DT: Marx just saved major face and perhaps the victory there!

[Troy falls HARD on the canvas on her belly. Marx gets up, shakes the cobwebs out, notices Troy on the ground and...]

DT: MARXISM! MARXISM! He's got Troy locked up in his patent submission!

MN: Oh man, I don't know how he does it or how much he even has left in his tank!

[Troy reaches for the ropes, but Marx keeps the hold locked in hard. Troy inches for the ropes, trying her damnedest to get there. She reaches and reaches, ropes so close, but the pressure from the hold almost becoming unbearable.]

MN: She's gonna tap! She's gonna tap! Marx wins!

DT: I don't know, she's close, she's close, and... SHE'S GOT IT!

[Troy grabs the ropes, and the Gentleman relinquishes the hold. He slams the mat in disgust as the Queen takes a small breather. Marx goes over to Troy and Troy nails him with a low blow out of the view of the ref.]

DT: Christ on the cross! That was cheap!

MN: Hey, all's fair in love and war, and that match in there is nothing short of a war!

[Marx doubles over and Troy gets up slowly. Marx attempts to straighten up, but Troy clubs him in the back. She gets him in the double underhook, and...]

DT: FINAL JUDGEMENT! FINAL JUDGEMENT!

[Troy covers...

1...

2...

...Marx gets his foot on the ropes...

...but the ref doesn't see it...

...3!!]

[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]

TF: Here is your winnerrrr... LLLLLLINDSAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY... TROOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYY!!!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DT: I can't believe it! Lindsay Troy just stole that match from Jonathan Marx!

MN: Stole, schmole. Just because that ref came from the Boogie Smallz school of pinfall counting doesn't mean it's a stolen win.

DT: That's just... horrible. Folks, we've got to cut to a commercial, but when we come back, the World Title will be on the line! Stay tuned!

[Cut to a commercial for Chef Boyardee.]

 

[DBrunkGXW]

DT: Welcome back, everyone. This next match is guaranteed to be a barnburner, folks. Beast has been dominant ever since securing the World Championship, but tonight he faces a tall challenge in Adam Benjamin.
MN: BIG DADDY ENGLISH! WOOH!

DT: Several months ago Adam Benjamin made history by becoming the only World Champion for the short-lived but highly-praised Major Championship Wrestling and by securing the Empire Pro Intercontinental Title. Tonight he has the chance to become the first person in EPW to have held both singles titles.

MN: This is his big chance, man. He could make history again.

DT: But can he do it? Let's find out!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


EPW World Heavyweight Championship
Beast (C) vs. "Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin
TF: Th’ following contested is scheduled for one fall, and will be for the Empire Pro Heavyweight Championship of the World!!!

[CUE UP: “Lose Yourself” by Eminem]

TF: Introducing first, the challenger. He hails from the United Kingdom, stands 6’4” and weighs in at 245 pounds. He is known the world over as “YOURS TRULY”...ADAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM BEEENNNNJAAAAMIIIINNN!!!

[CUE UP: “Figure You Out” by Nickelback as “Lose Yourself” fades out. The fans rise to their feet in anticipation.]

TF: His opponent hails from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. He stands 6’6” and tips the scales at 290 pounds. He enters this match as the REIGNING and DEFENDING EPW Heavyweight Champion of the World. THIS ... IS ... BEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSST!!!!!

[SFX: Bell rings]

DT: Here we go Neely, this one’s for that big gold belt on Beast’s waist!

MN: Yeah, but will Big Loafy still have it when it’s all said and done?

DT: Let’s find out, Michael. Benjamin and Beast still circling, looking for the prime time to make their move. Who goes first...it’s Benjamin! Adam Benjamin charges and lays into Beast with forearms and punches!

MN: Something’s wrong with this picture. Beast isn’t doing anything.

DT: Folks, Adam Benjamin is a house afire out there, but it is having ABSOLUTELY no effect on the World Champion. Benjamin with a chop, and Beast blocks it and sends the challenger into the ropes. On the rebound comes Benjamin...CHOP BLOCK!!! Beast starts to wobble! Benji off the ropes again...and he goes for the legs once more! One more time, but this time Beast sees it coming and drops to his knees! Benji comes charging...SUNSET FLIP!!! Out of nowhere!

ONE...

TWO...

KICKOUT BY THE CHAMP!!! Within the first minute of this match we ALMOST had a new World’s Champion.

MN: Yeah, but almost only counts in horseshoes and nuclear weapons.

DT: Just look at Beast, he is FUMING over the fact that he let Benjamin get the better of him right there

MN: Temper, temper, Mr. Loafy. COME ON BIG DADDY ENGLISH!!!

DT: Beast looks distracted, and Benjamin is wasting no time going back on the offensive. Off the ropes...Diving body press is CAUGHT by Beast!!! Beast has the Brit in his mammoth grasp and he just tosses Benji all the way across the ring and under the bottom rope with that fallaway slam! You can’t help but marvel at the strength of Big Loafy, I mean Beast, Mike.

MN: Now you’ve come over to the right side. The Force is strong with you, my young Padawan learner.

DT: Oh, give it a rest.

MN: Change you will, before long.

DT: Benjamin is back in the ring, breaking Pat Jones’ ten count, but I think Adam’s a little dazed, because just seconds ago he was a slap of the mat from being World Champion.

MN: Big Loafy’ll make a mistake and that’s when the New Age Technician takes over.

DT: Champ and challenger lock up in the middle of the ring, and Benjamin gets a quick go behind! Beast tries to power out, but Benjamin is too quick and he brings him to the mat with an ankle pick! Benjamin now works on Beast from the referee’s position, and we’ve got what looks like a classic amateur match on our hands, Mike.

MN: Ummmmmm....TAKEDOWN, TWO POINTS!

DT: Is that all you know about amateur wrestling?

MN: Mmmmmm....yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaah.

DT: Thought so. Benjamin trying to break Beast down, but the big Manitoban isn’t budging. Beast almost back to the vertical base, but Benji brings him back to his knees with another ankle pick! He’s using one of the smallest and weakest parts of Beast’s body as a means to keep him under control!

MN: I’ll just let you talk for now.

DT: Benjamin again back on the offensive, he’s looking to slip in a half-nelson variation for the pin, or so it seems. Benjamin shoots the half, but Beast says NO WAY!!! He slips his right arm around the Englishman’s head and tosses him forcefully to the mat! Just listen to that impact!!!!

MN: Phew. The complicated stuff is over. Gimme some BLOOOOOOOOODDDDD!!!!

DT: That comes later. Both men back to vertical. They lock up again, and now Beast Irish whips Adam chest first into the corner!!! You can see where the welts are going to be tomorrow morning! Staggering backwards is the challenger...straight into a backdrop suplex from Beast! The big man is taking control!

MN: Yeah, he’s all FU-

DT: I haven’t said this in awhile, but...FAMILY SHOW!!!

MN: Fine.

DT: Beast with a quick lateral press, and a kickout at one and a half by Benjamin. Beast with the whip into the ropes, and he floors the challenger with a huge swinging neckbreaker, which he turns very quickly into a seated full nelson!

MN: Benji’s got a strong neck from that amateur background, so I’d say Big Loafy’s trying to work the neck and soften it up for the Absolution, which hasn’t been as effective of late.

DT: If I were a betting man, I’d say you’re right, Neely.

MN: You’re not, but I am! Anybody want in?

DT: Beast continues to arch back on that full nelson, he’s putting a ton of pressure on the back and neck of Adam Benjamin. Benji’s trying to fight back, but all he can muster are some weak elbows.

MN: Come on, Big Daddy, you’re the freaking technician. Technisize him!

DT: Technisize?

MN: Yeah, Triple Word Score, *****.

DT: You’re probably the biggest damn Scrabble cheater in the world. “Technisize”.

MN: Well, you think of a better word.

DT: Benjamin’s really putting all his effort into breaking this hold, because the longer Beast keeps this locked in, the slimmer Benjamin’s chances of victory get. Benjamin now, fighting towards the ropes, and EVER so slowly he’s making progress!! He’s getting closer and closer to reaching that bottom cable, and Beast is rearing back on that full nelson with all his strength. Benjamin...GETS TO THE ROPES!!! But, Beast pulls him back! WAIT!!! WAIT!!! Benjamin used Beast’s weight and momentum against him to break the hold and send Beast tumbling through the ropes!

MN: Wow, a great scientific wrestler AND a master of physics and motion dynamics. Big Daddy English truly is Da Coolest.

DT: Right now, he’s just looking to be Da Champion, and this may help...A FLIPPING NECKBREAKER ON THE OUTSIDE!!! What a move, as Benjamin dove from the apron and caught the rising champion with a terrific flipping neckbreaker variation! He rolls Beast into the ring and hooks the leg...

ONE...

TWO...

THRNOOOOO!!! OH SO CLOSE INDEED!!!! The time it took for Benjamin to bring Beast back into the squared circle allowed the champion to regain just enough energy to get the left shoulder up in time.

MN: It was cool, anyway.

DT: Well, there’s your silver lining, Neely. And Benjamin is looking for his in hopes that the neckbreaker began to break down the massive Beast. Benji whips Beast off the ropes, and hits the drop toe hold! Brings him up again, and gets another!!! One more go-round...and this time he transitions it into the STF!!! A series of drop toe holds into the STF, and it’s in the center of the ring!

MN: See, Big Loafy screwed up, and now Benji takes over.

DT: Will this hold win the belt? Will Beast’s championship reign be without a successful defense...NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Beast powers out of the hold, but that STF and those three drop toe holds certainly did some damage, and it looks like Beast is bleeding from the nose!

MN: BLOOD! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!! Wait, oops.

DT: Why “oops”? What oops?

MN: Blood probably just makes him mad.

DT: Your right, as Beast is shaking in fury over not being able to put away this challenger. He charges, and Benjamin meets him with a knee to the gut! He slips behind...SCHOOLBOY!!!!

ONE...

TWO...

THROHSOCLOSE!!!!! Beast kicked out once again!

MN: I think that made him even angrier.

DT: Benjamin continues to work on Beast, trying to find some method that will keep the champion down. A series of right and left forearms to the sternum, but Beast is just shaking them off! He SHOVES Benjamin away into the other corner and drops to a three point stance!

MN: We’ve seen this before...

DT: Spear coming up...NOOOOO!!!! Benjamin slid out of the way, and Beast’s shoulder and the steel ringpost just got VERY intimate with each other!

MN: You mean, wine, roses, and “Let’s Get it On” intimate?

DT: No, I mean “he just slammed into the ringpost and is in pain” intimate.

MN: Oh. THAT intimate. Gotcha.

DT: Benjamin pulls the champ out of the turnbuckles, and has him in the inverted facelock...REVERSE DDT!!! Beast’s head just spiked brutally off the canvas. He pins, is it enough...

ONE...

TWO...

NOOOOOO!!!! BEAST DODGES ANOTHER BULLET!!!!

MN: What do you have to do to win, Big Daddy E?

DT: Benjamin drags the big man to his feet, and a stiff snap suplex! And Benjamin’s going to break form and go up top! We don’t usually see this from the man they call “Your’s Truly”.

MN: Naw, but whatever Benji does usually rules.

DT: He leaps...ELBOW DROP...NOT THIS TIME!!! NOBODY HOME FOR BENJAMIN!! That may have just sealed Benjamin’s fate, as Beast never lets a mistake go uncapitalized on!

MN: One hole in your theory, Burgerman.

DT: Yeah?

MN: Big Loafy ain’t up yet either.

DT: Touche. Pat Jones is beginning the ten count, will one of these men answer the bell?

PJ: TWO...

THREE...

FOUR...

FIVE...

SIX...

SEVEN...

EIGHT...

DT: Beast is up, and though groggy, he looks like he has some nasty things planned for Adam Benjamin. He pulls the challenger up, and whips him into the turnbuckle! Beast grabs Benjamin, and sends him powerfully into the opposite corner! Benji’s still dazed and...BEAST GETS THE SPEAR!!! This time somebody was home, and Adam Benjamin caught the full force of a 6’6”, 290 pound freight train.

MN: Actually, that would be a pretty small train, Daaaavey.

DT: Beast gets Benjamin in the standing headscissors. Up he GOES...POWERBOMB!!! A brutal powerbomb by the champion! He thinks its put away, and he pins...

ONE...

TWO...

BEAST RETAINS!!!! NO!!!!! HOLD THE DAMN PHONE!!! Adam Benjamin was close to the ropes and the referee says he got his foot on the bottom cord! These two men are unreal!

MN: Holy hell, what’s Big Loafy doing?

DT: He’s exposing the turnbuckles! He signals to the crowd, he wants to powerbomb Benji onto that exposed steel! He brings him UP...BUT BENJAMIN SLIPS OUT!! He’s on the second turnbuckle with a front facelock on Beast! Tornado DDT...NO!!!! Beast stopped the momentum and flapjacked Benjamin onto the top turnbuckle! BOTH men are now bleeding from the face.

MN: This is unreal.

DT: Beast brings Benji over to a corner that still has the turnbuckle pads on, and sets him up top. Both men have been knocked a little goofy, it looks like, but dammit, they’re still battling. Beast sets up the superplex, but Benjamin says NO WAY!! Off the top he comes...SUNSET FLIP!!! Could this be it!

ONE...

TWOOOOOOOOO....

THREEEEEEEEE!!! NOOOOOOO!!!! I’M IN SHOCK AT THESE TWO!!! Beast kicked out!! Wait, Benjamin with an inside cradle...

ONE...

TWO...

ANOTHER CLOSE CALL!!!! Adam Benjamin continues to come close with these near falls, and it looks like he may soon break through and get the three count!

MN: Damn, Big Loafy and Big Daddy are pretty freaking tough.

DT: Both men are nearly out of it, but dammit, they just keep fighting.

MN: I’ll admit it, I’m impressed by these two.

DT: They’ve both reached their feet, and neither man is giving the other time to recover. Lefts and rights, chops, forearms, punches, kicks, anything and everything that these two can throw at each other, they are doing right now! Why?

MN: Free curly fries?

DT: NO! The World Heavyweight Title!

MN: I’d do it for curly fries!

DT: Benji with a forearm to the head that sends the champ reeling! Beast comes right back with a kick to the solar plexus. He winds up for the haymaker...SWING AND A MISS!!! Benjamin is still a step ahead! Beast charges with a clothesline...NOBODY HOME AGAIN!!! Beast is furious and...KICK TO THE GUT BY BENJI! DOUBLE UNDERHOOK...WAS THAT WHAT I THINK IT WAS?

MN: Hey, I’ve seen that move before...

DT: THE BRAIN ROCKER!!! Waking up the demons of his battles with Rocko Daymon, Benjamin pulls out the retired Daymon’s devastating finisher! This HAS to end it!

ONE...

TWO...

THREEEEEEEEEE!!!! HOLD ON!!!!! NO!!!! THIS IS FREAKING UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

MN: Holy F*cking Sh*t!!!! BOTH these guys deserve this one.

DT: I’ll spare the audience more swearing, but I agree that this match is taking an awesome toll on both combatants. One of these men will EVENTUALLY put this one away, but by now, I’m not sure how that’s going to happen. Right now, Adam Benjamin remains on the warpath, but you can see in his normal stone cold demeanor the shades of frustration.

MN: Just focus, kid. FOCUS!!! BEAT BIG LOAFY!!!

DT: Thanks, coach. Benjamin has Beast against the ropes. He charges, and this time Beast is one step ahead! He ducks, and Benjamin flies to the outside! Beast drops to the floor and stalks over his prey. He lifts him into a double underhook and...LOW BLOW!!! Benjamin pulled out the low blow out of desperation! He scales to the top rope...FLYING BODY PRESS....

MN: Intercepted at the goal line!

DT: Beast again caught his opponent when trying to go aerial! He rears back and SLAMS Adam’s back into the steel ringpost! Beast climbs onto the ring apron, Benji in his grasp. A running start...HOLY FREAKING HELL!!! A MASSIVE SPINEBUSTER RIGHT THROUGH THE TIMEKEEPER’S TABLE! With God as my witness, Beast has just ended the career of Adam Benjamin!

MN: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

DT: Beast rolls the challenger back into the ring. Inverted facelock...and he hits the TEST OF FAITH!!! The cover...

ONE...

TWO...

THRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNOOOOOOOO!!!!! ADAM BENJAMIN DOES THE IMPOSSIBLE!!!! These two men aren’t human, I swear!

MN: Well, Beast is a Beast so what’s Benji, a cyborg?

DT: I don’t know.

MN: FEAR THE ROBOTS!!! THEY WILL TAKE OVER THE EARTH!!!!

DT: Oy. Beast is enraged with Pat Jones, saying the count was slow, but all Jones can do is hold up two fingers. Beast continues to berate Jones...OH MY LORD!!! Benjamin managed to get up, and he took Beast completely by surprise with a release Dragon suplex!!! He pulls Beast up, and sends him across the ring...SHINING WIZARD!!! We’re going to see a new world champion in Minnesota!!!

MN: He can’t get up to make the pin!

DT: Benjamin is trying to crawl towards Beast, with every inch he comes closer to that world title. There is no way Beast can get out of this. Benjamin makes a desperate stab with his arm, and it drapes over Beast’s torso! Jones drops down to make the count...

ONE...

TWO...

THREEEEEEEE!!! NO!!! BEAST GOT THE SHOULDER UP AGAIN!!! Can ANYTHING keep Marcus Wescott down for three seconds?

MN: Dunno, Kryptonite?

DT: Benjamin is incensed, and he starts laying the boots into our World Champion. Off the ropes he comes, and he drops the point of his knee right into the back of Beast’s neck. He sets it up again, and now drops that knee across the ankle he was working on earlier! I think I know where this is heading!

MN: Do ya now, Daaaaaavey.

DT: ANKLE LOCK SUBMISSION APPLIED!!!! Beast is writhing furiously in pain, and he’s right in the middle of the ring! He has to tap out, he just has to! There’s no way he can survive the onslaught Adam Benjamin is providing here tonight at the Target Center! He has to give up, he has to submit, he ABSOLUTELY has to tap out, he...BREAKS THE HOLD!!! This is a superhuman performance from both men tonight!

MN: Definitely Marvel Comics worthy.

DT: Beast is up, but he’s hobbling on that ankle. He moves in for the attack, but Benjamin clips him! What a strategy employed tonight by our challenger! Beast up again, and another clip!!! This time he’s almost unable to rise again! Benjamin brings Beast to his feet, and he’s setting up for the Benji Driver! Can he possible do this to a man with such a big weight advantage over him?

MN: We’re gonna find out.

DT: He sets it up...BEAST BLOCKS THE MOVE!!! He takes Benjamin’s legs out...SLINGSHOT INTO THE EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE!!! He grabs Benji and spins him around, right into the double underhook! ABSOLUTION...NO!! Benji wriggles free. Clothesline from Beast, ducked by the challenger. On the rebound...SHINING WIZAAAAAAAANOOOOOO!!!! Beast rolls out of the way, and Benjamin is in SHOCK!

MN: Why, nothing else has worked for either man so far?

DT: Beast spins Benjamin around, kick to the stomach, and a cradle piledriver! The pin once again...

ONE...

TWO...

TWO AND NINE TENTHS!!!! Now it’s Beast collecting the near falls and Benjamin narrowly escaping defeat! Beast picks him up, double underhook, ABSOLUTIONNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!! Benjamin shoved Beast into the ropes!! Off he comes...HURRICANRANA INTO THE PIN!!!!

ONE...

TWO...

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Beast is still our champion, but for how long! Benjamin looks to work with the advantage, and he signals for the finish once again! Looking for the Shining Wizard...Beast gets away and tosses Benjamin into the ropes with a modified guillotine!!

MN: Ewwwww, his head snapped in a funny way. Come on, B.D.E., FIGHT BACK!!!!

DT: Beast grabs the challenger and spins him around...IMPLANT DDT BY THE CHAMP!!! Another pin...

ONE...

TWO...

IT’S STILL NOT OVER!!! How can these two keep going at this pace! Benjamin is trying to fight back, but it looks like Beast is the one with the second wind! Irish whip, and Benjamin tastes his second spear of the match! Another cover by the champion...

ONE...

TWO...

THREEEEEE!!! NO!!! ADAM BENJAMIN KICKS OUT ONE MORE TIME!!!! These two men absolutely amaze me. They’re both bleeding profusely, exhausted, and damn near unconscious, but they keep fighting! Now Benjamin has his second wind! He’s firing jabs at the champion, and he sends him reeling. Benjamin measures the champion up...SUPERKICK...MISSSED ITS TARGET!!! Beast got out of the way!

MN: Just one word. Daaaaaaaaaaaamn.

DT: Beast with the pumphandle and...WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!!

MN: WHAT THE F*CK!!!!

DT: A pumphandle into an inverted cradle piledriver! The cover and hook of the leg...

ONE...

TWO...

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! BEAST RETAINS WITH ONE OF THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE MOVES I’VE EVER SEEN!

TF: The winner of the match via pinfall and STIIIIIILLLL the Heavyweight Champion of the World...BEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MN: I guess he thought the Absolution wouldn’t put Adam Benjamin away, so he pulled out this new über-finisher, or whatever you’d call it.

DT: Either way, neither of these bloody, battered men has a damn thing to be ashamed about tonight, as “Yours Truly” put on one of the gutsiest performances in EPW’s brief history, and you know that this wasn’t the last we’ll hear from Big Daddy English in the World Championship picture.

MN: I'll say. Man. I don't usually say this, but that was an AWESOME match.

DT: That's the sort of stuff they make Best Of DVDs for, Mike. This was a Match Of The Year contender if there ever was one, and I'll be damned if this doesn't spell big things for Adam Benjamin. Folks, we need to take one more quick break, but when we get back, it's time for the Empire Royal Rumble!

MN: WOOTAGE, BABY!!!

[Cut to a commercial for the new EPW video game on PS2.]

 

[DBrunkGXW]

Earlier that night...


Holding Troy’s hand as his back pinned the door open, feeding his date for the evening welcome spoonfuls of chivalry, Joey Melton removes the fleeting pedestal by biting below her left thumb.

“Ow!”

Lindsay drew her hand back as she fully entered the Sunset Grill. The Hallmark elevator speech, the ride over the threshold, and the multiple doors opened for her, like she was Cinderella being shown her giant pumpkin on wheels. The clock had apparently struck midnight. The fairy tale ***** had most of the evening to play dress-up, and shower in attention. Lindsay had ten minutes. It didn’t seem fair. Either children’s parables are really destructive to a girl’s self-image, or Troy needed better writers.

She’d read recently in “Cosmo” that ninety-three percent of all communication is non-verbal. An astounding stat that main evented Troy’s conversations for the next two weeks, but for once tonight, Joey wasn’t communicating through sexual smoke signals. And she was basking in the warmth of the tried-and-true direct approach.

So much for having a good lay spelled out for you. Melton was biting now, as the clock chimed a twelfth time, sending the Queen back to the equivalent of her wicked stepmother: The normal oddity of her day-to-day life.

Lindsay showed constraint in not striking Melton’s million-dollar face. But who’s million? For much of the past year his famed artifact has run a tab on the head of her enormous Tampa Estate. Strike Melton’s lone asset, and in the end Troy only hurts herself.

His aggression is reluctantly given a free pass, if only because the man’s advances were never weak. Joey’s chemically whitened chops nearly broke skin, and though Lindsay’s questioning what the hell is going through Melton’s mind, the hair at attention on the back of her neck respects the range of his command.

He’s not one to read Dickinson to a woman, and hold a long-stemmed red rose between his lips in bed. Though his Christmas cards say otherwise. Joey’s a blue-collar sex addict. Brings his lunch pale, and with no questions asked, works himself to death.

Primal, chauvinistic, utterly out-of-touch, pick your poison; Melton’s undoing was in his sexual education at the hands of certified, public teachers. The release form’s framed on his mother’s wall somewhere: A piece of paper sentencing Joey to an hour of “National Geographic Animal Mating Rituals” circa 1982.

See a male lion mount a female from behind, and when of age, good luck doing the same. Kids his age were sent off to prepare for college, but many (the lucky ones) came back with anal fetishes.

There’s no monogamy in the animal kingdom, and when you’re ready to plant your seed in the Garden of 36-24-36, you bite the hell out of the nearest female.

He’s ready to work in the Garden. It’s been far too long. Melton gnawing on Troy’s left hand was a warning shot to her sense of decency. Run now, or be reduced to the type of material Nancy Wilson sew top ten hits with.

A Magic Man, indeed.

“Hi, welcome to the Sunset Grill. Two?”

Troy and Melton eye one another; apparently the bus full of sci-fi convention goers they came with, were mercifully swallowed whole by willing women.

“Yes, two. Thanks.”

“Non-smoking, or smoking?”

“Non-smoking, please.”

“Great. Follow me.”

With a hand on the small of her back, Melton guided Troy to the honor of chasing their hostess to a table. There’s no temptation to look around. Just after midnight, Joey and his dream are promised a meal in peace: A welcome change. In this part of the country, they worship their wrestling stars. Towel under knees; wish God himself could turn a hip toss like that, adulation.

Joey may not be able to inspire mutated freaks to slash four rented tires anymore, but the legends never die. If the younger generations aren’t hip to what the man did, the older crowds, the ones who have wasted their lives trying to obtain a measure of Melton’s greatness, willingly fill the kids in.

“The greatest.”

“All night long.”

“Nader’s ideal running mate.”

“He once moved heaven and earth in the old coliseum.”

And with as hot as Troy has been over the last two years, every base is covered. Together they stop traffic, much the way Sonny and Cher, or Cousin Larry and Balki used to.

Their late dinner however, will be peaceful. The commoners have returned home, poorer, to dream, while the very stars that light up the sky, eat and play their last hour of flirtation out to determine if they possess the strength not to give in.

“I wonder if they have Prince Albert in a can,” Melton asked, extending a desperate line.

“Joey, no.”

“Sorry. It’s—“

“Late, and past your bedtime. Most men your age were asleep by eight.”

Melton angrily shuts his laminated menu.

“Cute. See if I apologize now for setting your bathroom scale five pounds heavier.”

“WHAT!”

“Lower your voice, the irritant will be back soon to take our order. Focus.”

Troy lunged across the table for Melton’s throat. “I haven’t eaten in three days because of that Joey! You ass, I was bulimic in college.”

The color drained from his face. He was charming, but could Melton get out of this?

“Really?”

A smile crept over Troy’s face, “Just messin’ with ya, man.” Lindsay shook her head shamefully, “You’re too easy. How many times have I been able to lock you out of your room in the last year?”

“You’re a cold-hearted wench, I think that was established early on.”

“Awww, poor baby.” Troy playfully kicked under the table as their waitress slumped over, pad in hand to pen the order.

The two ordered light, and when sat opposite each other for the first time all night in silence, choked. Joey turned a full ketchup bottle on end to lessen the wait once his dinner was set in front of him. It’s imperative on a date, not to look like an idiot trying to feed yourself. Serving a billion women worldwide may sound easy, but it’s not. Much like water coloring, it’s an art form. Every brush stroke yields the potential for disaster. And as Melton’s aged, his reputation grown, the margin for error narrowed significantly. Women expect to be charmed, swept off the feet by the blinding difference Joey presents to the history of men in their sad, hollow lives. He’s a sexual beacon of light, but with one misstep the myth waits to be chopped down like George Washington’s Cherry tree.

The man has to consume his meal eloquently, shoveling bites in while nodding his head with utter interest to whatever bull****’s stacking up between them.

Not quite personality ticks, but Melton’s reflexes set the stage for a successful evening in this situation. Napkin in a prime spot, away for eyesight, constantly hidden in the palm of his hand like a street magician performing a trick for two-dollar whores and bemused senior citizens out being walked by their dogs. And ketchup...ketchup...

He’s never taken a date to a diner. What self-respecting man would? Yet, the EPW tag champion ran through this scenario a million times in his head. Often, two years ago, when he still held out hope of parting Poison Ivy’s legs like watery pillars of the Red Sea, and following the trail to freedom.

This is Ivy’s sort of dive: A small price to pay for tasting one of the sweetest fruits in the business. Ivy and Melton: essentially in Joey’s eyes, an interracial relationship. A man of complete class, and honor chasing a gym rate with tits and the prettiest emerald green eyes you’d ever see.

Joey worships Rod Stewart, Ivy flocks to greasy-haired men who finished less high school than she did. By all rights, they shouldn’t mix, but Melton’s wanted her nonetheless. And involuntarily he reacts as if she was in front of him; the impossible dream an erection away from reality.

“That’s a good point, I agree entirely.”

“Huh?”

“Only jackasses say huh Joey.”

Melton pushed the bottle away. It hit him, suddenly. The last year of his life summed up in a nice pretty package, like the last two minutes of an “Andy Griffith Show” episode.

He didn’t want Ivy anymore. Never did. She was a bookmark, until his tin pelvis was granted its wish to become real. Lindsay Troy’s not a figment of his imagination, or the catch of the century. She’s genuine. And he’s never felt more alive, than when he’s inside an eight hundred foot radius of her presence.

“Joey, hello? I was joking. You’re awfully quiet.”

What’s left of the mask of Joey Melton crumbles mercifully to the ground, and the assembly line of sexual production shuts down. For the first time in his life, he’s comfortable and free. At Troy’s mercy, there are no dating check marks to follow, and pressure to be the myth. Lindsay’s quiet campaign has always been: to teach Joey it’s okay to be himself.

She wants that.

Troy needs it, because it’s past the point of denial. She’s in love with the man. Not the legend, or promise of a great ****. She loves Joseph Curtis Melton, and if she never got anything more than the time of her life, she had it all.

“Sorry. Just thinking about you,” Joey reached across the table to grab Lindsay’s left hand. Gently rubbing his fingers over her soft, white skin.

“Uh huh. I may be crazy enough to put you up under my roof, but I’m not that easy, hun.”

And she’s not. But, it wouldn’t take much more.

“I’m not joking. Troy,” Melton’s faced deadened, and his blue eyes found hers on memory. “I’m in love with you.”

“Aw thanks. And in the same weird way, I love you too. And...”

“No...”

She tried to shut him up, but he didn’t take the hint. Does he ever listen? The man works tirelessly to be annoying. Beats all she’s ever seen.

“I’m in love with you.”

Lindsay stops playfully trying to win her hand back.

“As in, I want to be with you night and day. In my arms when we pass out drunk every night, and in’em in the morning when we wake, hung over and as horny as a pair of jack wabbits.”

“What?” She accidentally knocked over the complimentary glass of water, sending a river of ice into Melton’s lap. It had minimal effect. Nothing could extinguish the flame between them now. Not on his end, anyway.

“I love you Lindsay,” he was smiling from the latter of his last declaration. It sounded good at the time. “And I don’t want anyone else in my life. Ever.”

“What?” Troy was feverishly cleaning the mess, albeit blindly. She hadn’t moved her look off Melton since they sat down, and she wouldn’t now.

“Troy, will you marry me?”

“WHAT?!”

From across the dining room, hearty laughter reached to break their concentration. Denying Melton an answer. Christian Sands, arms over three underdressed women, struts over to their table.

The girls are locals, the cutest of the three showcasing the posture of a runway veteran, and a smile of a woman who wants out of town. A career pageant contestant, she’s wasting in an abusive relationship: the real world and her life expectations.

Regrettably she found her ceiling after winning the 2001 Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest. When your mother has painted you since you were four years old, and taught you to believe you’re the next great Southern Belle, there’s disappointment to digest when the job market welcomes you by the hand. She feels ten years older than she is, but when her hair does right, and she laughs at whatever a man says, there’s hope of getting the hell out.

She and her friends dressed to the nines for the show, hoping Sands, or another able-bodied man who didn’t drive a pickup or manage a Southern chicken fast-food chain would move heaven or earth to arrange an introduction before continuing with the tour. Sands was the winner tonight. Has the girls, and also, kissed Troy tonight. Touché.

“There he is girls. That’s the chump I was telling you about. The MVP of cruise line entertainment himself.”

Sands put his foot on the middle of the table, as his dates eyed Melton and laughed as if he was the only one in the room who was sober.

“Sleeps with midgets on these adventure too, I might add. And he wants no pay. Just the right to hit the shores for a couple hours and search for coins buried in sand.”

Melton calmly stands from the table.

“Joey, sit, what did you say?” The moment was lost, but Lindsay was holding on for dear life. She heard it wrong, had to have.

“Easy girls, captain ‘tis out of his chair now. Somebody might get shuffleboarded across the room. Hello Lindsay, putting in charity work again. Humoring our seas finest senior citizens...”

“Christian...”

“I don’t know what this is about, kid, but we’re having dinner here...”

“You probably wouldn’t know what it’s about, Melton. Take a look at him girls. The President of the ‘don’t let this happen to you’ crowd.”

“Christian,” Troy shot out of the booth with a look to kill.

“Sands, tell me something...”

“What captain?”

“How’s that penis pump your mother let you borrow working out?”

“Potty humor. How predictable. Now how's about I rearrange your f**king face, old man.”

Sands skillfully lifts his arms off his dates’ shoulders and readies to deck Melton. Joey does the same.

“Enough!” Troy puts herself between them. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but...c’mere...” She grabs Sands by the shirtsleeve and forcefully leads him out of the dining room.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Just what the hell did you think you were doing in there?” Troy aggressively asks Christian in the solitude of Sunset Grill’s lounge area.

“I should be asking you the same question, Lindsay.”

“Well I WAS going to eat dinner...people generally eat when they're hungry.”

“I wasn't talking about the damn food!” the rise in his voice, clearing out the remaining drunk. “I was talking about you hanging off that f**king geriatric like some swooning teenager! I thought you were better than that.”

“SWOONING?!” Troy’s head spun on a dime. Is there anything she can’t do? “HANGING OFF?! Where the hell do you come UP with these ideas?!”

A hostess toes eggshells and approaches the scene. She starts to say something, but waves her hand dismissively. This late, who cares?

“Look, Melton decided to not be a prick for once and asked me out to dinner. Big friggin deal; you're blowing this WAY out of proportion, Christian.”

Sands is unmoved. He folds his arms and sniffs. “You don't even realize what he's doing, do you? He's buttering you up, Lindsay. All Melton cares about is getting into your panties. Do you want to be a piece of meat? Do you want to be a piece of meat for a senior citizen? You're not Anna Nicole Smith, dammit.”

“I think I know Joey's motives a little bit better than you do, but your concern is touching. Really.”

She rolls her eyes and is about to storm off, when Sands grabs her firmly by the arm. He squeezes it tightly. For the first time since they've known each other, his face is sincere and concerned.

“Lindsay... I know you're a grown woman and all... but please. Don't let yourself get swept along by his bullsh*t.”

Troy smiles, softly.

“It's dinner after a hard night's work of putting on a hell of a show. That's it. Nothing more.”

She looks up at him.

“And even if it was something more...why would you care what I do with my life?”

There is a brief flicker of something deep in Christian's eyes, but he pushes it away, his expression hardening again.

“That's what partners do.”

He gives her arm another squeeze, softer this time.

“Just do me a favor. Be smart. Alright?”

One of the women in Sands's entourage walks through the foyer in the direction of the bathrooms. She gives Sands a little wave as she passes by.

“Looks like you'll be stuck with a big bill tonight, hmm?”

He sniffs a bit disdainfully. “Pocket change.”

“So why allow her into your company?” Troy slyly smirks. “I thought you better than that.”

Sands doesn't answer immediately. He then shrugs slowly.

“I love stringing 'em along and breaking their hearts.”

“The chivalry is just oozing from your pores.”

“Chivalrous is not part of the job description for the evil.”

“You don't have to be evil all the time, y'know,” she whispers.

Again there is a flicker in Sands' eyes. It lasts a little longer this time.

“It all depends on the circumstance, I suppose...” Sands quietly mouths.

She looks over at him, reading his face...or at least trying to. When all else fails, go for humor.

“How long have I known you? 7 months? You've gone from a pain in my ass to one of my partners in crime...and a Matrix-quoting one at that. And never, in 7 months, have you been this quiet. Now I know that the bevy of woman that you were sitting with aren't leaving you speechless because...well let's face it, instead of buying them dinner you should be buying them facial reconstructive surgery.”

Christian shrugs lightly.

“Like I said... I'm evil.“

“Well I don't know about you, but I'm starving. And you've got to play the good host and pretend you're interested in the female company you were sitting with.”

“Ah, the joys of tormenting the weak-minded.”



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Of course I didn’t like killing the lion, but I couldn’t very well have let it eat the sickly, orphaned, six-month old baby either.” Joey pleaded his case, sandwiched between Sands’ remaining dates.

There’s a stronger glimmer in their eyes, now that Melton has his arms draped over their shoulders, lightly fingering their arms. Five minutes ago, Joey was tired and desperate: A man at the end of his rope, and too damn happy about it. But, he’s radiant as he woos the women, a master in his element.

“No, I guess not,” reckons Lisa, a hairdresser for the last four weeks. Before that she trained nightly to be an Olympic torch runner, a victim of a morning show radio prank, who took the long way around in understanding.

“How’d the beast get on the cruise ship anyway,” Lisa’s friend wisely asked.

“Well, people will smuggle anything these days. Crystal meth, sheep balls, pirated movies. What matters is, I was able to wrestle the hell-raiser off the ship.”

And Sands made Melton’s cruise work sound so funny. He was a hero, and pen pal to thankful Koreans. Why didn’t Christian mention that?

“Wanna see what I shot it with?” Joey winked, and pulled his hands under the table.

The girls collectively giggled, and readied themselves for a revelation of epic proportions.

“Made yourself comfortable, I see,” Sands sarcastically shot, stopping Melton cold before he could do further damage.

Joey threw his hands innocently on the table. “Back so soon? Sessions are usually fifty minutes, right?”

He was reaching, but the tank was empty. Melton’s wrestled across the world, saved an orphaned baby from a charging lion, and charmed Kings and Queens, but Lindsay Troy’s cutting glare was the prison built to hold Joey in check. As she stepped around Sands to close the gap between she and her houseguest, Melton’s heart sank. He thought of defending himself, but knew better.

“How dare you!” Sands laughed, as his dates leant back to allow Troy’s open right hand to slap Joey’s face freely. Melton’s head shot down, and he held it there, cringing.

The hardest shot he’s taken all night.

“Lindsay, please...”

Troy has no intentions of hanging around for the bull**** explanation. As quick as Melton got popped, Troy’s out the door. And Joey has no one to blame but himself.

“Gee,” he looked up, to the heavens or cream painted ceiling. “I really hope that wasn’t her answer.”

 

[DBrunkGXW]

DT: Welcome back to the show! Folks, our main event tonight is the Empire Royal Rumble, the first match of its kind in Empire Pro. Let's take it down to Tony Fatora to explain the rules!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


EMPIRE ROYAL RUMBLE
TONY FATORA: Th' following contest is the EMPIRE ROYAL RUMBLE! The rules are as follows! Two men will begin in the ring! Every two minutes another competitor will be added to the match! Eliminations are under over-the-top-rope rules! Th' winner will win a shot at the IN-tercontinental Championship at Wrestletopia!

[Blue mist seeps into the arena, blue strobe lighting flashes around. The Hives 'Main Offender' plays loudly. Blu creeps out mysteriously and crawls (literally) towards the ring. He flips over the top rope to the boos of the crowd. Takes a gulp of a blue alchoholic liquid.]

TONY FATORA: Introducing first... BLUUUUUUUUUUUU... THUUUUUUUUUUUNDAROUUUUUUUUSSSSSSS!!!

["X Gonna Give It To You" by DMX blares over the loudspeaker as the lights go down. Time passes, strobe lights light up the entrance way and everyone is looking around for X, but he is no where to be found. After a few more seconds, a commotion seems to be erupting in the crowd. X appears in the crowd carrying his patented black steel chair marked with a white X and wrapped in barbed wire. He stands on a chair or anything he can find in the crowd and while still holding his chair in his right hand, he crosses his arms to make an X. He fights his way through the crowd, hops the barrier, and rolls into the ring. He starts banging on the ropes with the chair and then proceeds to make the same X gesture while standing on the middle of the ropes.]

TONY FATORA: Also introducing... ECCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSS!!!

[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]

DT: And the rumble is under way - and X starting with a VENGEANCE, as he's just going OFF on Blu Thundarous with huge right hands!

MN: Blu's huge, but Wilbur's just going NUTS on him! FEAR THE INTENSITY!

DT: X slugging Blu in the corner... brings him out with a neckbreaker and down goes the big man! Now X with the elbow drop as he looks to take control early!

MN: Blu barely felt it!

DT: Oh dear! Blu Thundarous gets up as if he barely felt it - BUT X DROPKICKS HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE AND KNOCKS HIM BACK INTO THE CORNER!

MN: HANG TIME!

DT: Now X going for the legs! Trying to lift Blu Thundarous up and over the corner... Blu fighting it! Now Blu slugging X down to his knees! JUDO KICK - X hits the mat and the kick whiffs!

MN: Quick thinking!

DT: The big man trying to catch X with a leg drop - Nobody home! X sidesteps and kicks Blu right in the teeth, and the big man is down!

MN: X is doing pretty well for himself. I'd have thought he'd have a rough time outside hardcore matches.

DT: It seems the intensity of X has carried over into this contest as he pulls Blu Thundarous up by the hair... HARD European uppercut rocks the big man! X with the Irish whip - CLOTHESLINE against the ropes, but Blu holds on and stays in the ring!

MN: It's only a matter of time, though. He's not getting in ANY offense at ALL!

DT: There's another whip by X - no, Blu reverses and reels X in for a big knee lift! Chops by the big man, and he wheels X into the corner. Body splash - NO, X dodges and Blu hits the top turnbuckle!

[CROWD: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

[SFX: *BUZZ*]

MN: Who's out next?

DT: ...It's JA, the Anglo Luchador! And here comes the Anglo Luchador, sliding under the bottom rope... OOH, spinning heel kick for Blu Thundarous! Now throwing the big man against the ropes... JA grabs one leg... X the other... Lifting... AND BLU THUNDAROUS GOES OVER THE TOP!!!

[SFX: *DING*]

TONY FATORA: BLU THUNDAROUS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

DT: It's JA and X now! Both men squaring off... There's the tie-up... JA into the headlock, but X pushes him into the ropes and tries for a clothesline! JA ducks... REBOUNDS with the running dropkick!

MN: That was pretty crisp, too! I like this Jerich-

DT: AHEM! COPYRIGHT!

MN: I mean, uh, JA.

DT: X up now... JA with the boot to the gut of X, underhooking his arms... SCORES with the butterfly suplex! X rolling into the corner to regroup, but JA catches him with the running back elbow!

MN: Man, Wilbur's getting pwned now.

DT: JA whips X out of the corner... X boosts himself up onto the opposite turnbuckle... FLIES off with a crossbody, taking JA down!

MN: He caught a LOT of hangtime on that baby!

DT: X now slugging away at the face of JA on the canvas! GRABS AHOLD OF HIS MASK - NO, JA grabs him and slams his face off the mat! JA to his feet... BASEMENT DROPKICK to the head of X!

MN: Poor Wilbur... JA just clocked him in da grill, yo.

DT: Indeed, it looks like the Anglo Luchador is firmly in control as he whips X into the ropes... NO, X with the big shoulder block! X running the ropes now... ELBOW DROP... nobody home!

MN: Quick thinking by JA, avoiding the elbow.

[CROWD: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

[SFX: *BUZZ*]

DT: There's the buzzer - and here comes Sebastian Dodd!

MN: That man is my hero.

DT: Dodd in now - grabs X from behind and SCORES with the bulldog! JA taking cover in the corner as Dodd begins stomping the life out of X!

MN: Dodd's on fire!

DT: You can see the intensity in Sebastian Dodd's eyes as he sweeps X to his feet... oh, DRIVEN DDT by Sebastian Dodd dropping X right on his head! Dodd gets up - AND JA TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A NECKBREAKER DROP!

MN: Ooooooh, it's on, biatch.

DT: Dodd's up, and he looks FURIOUS! RIGHT hand for JA! JA with a big right for Dodd! Dodd now! JA! Dodd! JA!

MN: They be sluggin', they be sluggin'!

DT: Both men just POUNDING on each other - X GRABS THEM AND SLAMS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER! Now X taking JA by the mask and whipping him OVER THE ROPES - NO, JA HOLDS ON! X doesn't see him! He thinks he's won!

MN: He's skinnin' the cat!

DT: JA skinning the cat! JA's still in the match! X slugging away at Dodd - JA grabs him from behind and DRILLS him with a back suplex! Now picks X up - SLAMS him against the turnbuckles and starts chopping away!

MN: WOOOO!

DT: Whip out of the corner from JA - DODD LEAPFROGS X AND AVALANCHES ONTO JA WITH A HUGE BODY SPLASH! WHAT A MOVE BY SEBASTIAN DODD!!!

[CROWD: HE'S OUR HE-RO! *clap clap clapclapclap* HE'S OUR HE-RO! *clap clap clapclapclap*]

DT: This crowd definitely appreciating the athleticism of Sebastian Dodd here! Now Dodd chopping away at JA in the corner! Whips him out - JA reverses and sends Dodd face-first into X in the opposite corner! Dodd looks stunned - and X HEADBUTTS him down, then CLOTHESLINES JA hard!

MN: I can't even tell who's winning!

[CROWD: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!]

[SFX: *BUZZ*]

DT: It's Braden Kincaid! Here comes Kincaid, running full-tilt down the ramp!

MN: Oh, HIM.

DT: Kincaid in now - AND X IMMEDIATELY SLAMS HIM DOWN WITH A BULLDOG!!!

MN: Talk about a warm welcome!

DT: Now Kincaid up - X POUNDING him with HUGE rights and lefts! Wheels him into the corner - Dodd GRABS Kincaid out of the corner and SIDESLAMS him with auTHORity!

MN: Poor Kincaid. He's playing whipping-boy.

DT: Braden Kincaid is REELING - but Dodd doesn't care, as he NAILS X with a sidekick! X goes down! JA now pounding Kincaid against the turnbuckles!

MN: It's a brawl-for-all!

DT: X shoved into the corner by Seb Dodd! Your Hero trying to get X up and over, but X won't budge! JA lifts Kincaid and lays in the HUGE chops! Kincaid nearly bucked over the turnbuckle!

MN: Those things are like a sledgehammer to the chest!

DT: Here goes JA with the Irish whip... Kincaid sent across the ring to bounce out of the corner, and JA NAILS him with a neckbreaker on the rebound! What a combo!

MN: JA's shown me something here, Dave.

DT: What's that?

MN: I don't know, but I'm supposed to say stuff like that.

DT: *sigh*

MN: Whaaaaat!

DT: Dodd still fighting with X... now JA trying to fight Kincaid over the ropes...

[CROWD: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!]

[SFX: *BUZZ*]

DT: IT'S KARL BROWN! KARL BROWN IS THE NEXT ENTRANT! Brown striding PURPOSEFULLY down to the ring... slides in... walks right across and JUMPS OUT OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR?!?!

[SFX: *DING*]

TONY FATORA: KARL BROWN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

MN: Uh, what the hell?

DT: I don't believe this! Karl Brown just eliminated himself and is walking to the back!

MN: I can't believe what's gotten into Karl Brown! This guy usually LOVES to compete, but there he is, forfeiting a match without a care in the world! Maybe Sands was right when he said Brown couldn't handle the pressure!

DT: That's a damn lie! I guarantee you that Brown can handle it - WAITAMINUTE, JA whips Kincaid into the ropes - AND DROPKICKS HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR!!

[SFX: *DING*]

TONY FATORA: BRADEN KINCAID HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

DT: It's down to Dodd, X, and JA once again! JA helping Dodd with X in the corner - hold on, someone's here at our broadcast position!

DM: Easy, Burgerdude. It's just the Show Stealer.

MN: Hey, it's Dean Matthews! 'Sup, pimp!

DM: Nothin' much, homefry. Just comin' down to get a front row seat. Oh yeah, and, uh, STEALTH no-showed, so we've got a mystery entrant in the Rumble.

DT: A mystery entrant?

DM: Yeah. Keep your eyes open for him.

DT: I will, I will. Hold on - X fighting Dodd and JA in the corner! SLUGS them both - SCORES with a double bulldog! JA up first! X WHEELS him into the corner! BODY SPLASH!

MN: X is on FIRE!

DM: Thing about X is that he can do it all. He can fight, he can go high-risk, he can use the tools of the trade. He's my favorite wrestler in this match.

DT: *cough* High praise. X hammering JA in the corner! Trying to push him over!

[CROWD: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!]

[SFX: *BUZZ*]

DT: It's... RAY ROCK?!

MN: Ray Rock is in this match?!

DM: Yeah, we threw him in to even it out to ten guys.

DT: Rock sliding into the ring... and gets DECKED by Sebastian Dodd, who now hammers JA in the back! HUGE German suplex by Dodd rocks JA, and this crowd is on its feet cheering Your Hero on!

DM: I see a lot of potential in Sebastian Dodd. He reminds me of me before Adlai King destroyed my ACL.

DT: Dodd whipping X into the ropes... X tumbles over but holds onto the top rope!

MN: Ooooh, close.

DT: X skinning the cat... DODD DROPKICKS HIM IN MID-SKIN AND X GOES TUMBLING TO THE FLOOR!

[SFX: *DING*]

TONY FATORA: X HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

DM: SH*BEEEEEEEP*!

DT: DEAN! FAMILY SHOW!

MN: Hahaha. Someone besides me getting the Burgerman Lecture.

DM: Damn! He almost had it!

DT: Dodd now going to work on Ray Rock! Picks him up - BUT JA DROPKICKS DODD IN THE FACE AND WHEELS ROCK OVER THE ROPE WITH EASE!

[SFX: *DING*]

TONY FATORA: RAY ROCK HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

MN: Talk about fast and furious eliminations!

[CROWD: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!]

[SFX: *BUZZ*]

DT: IT'S KIN HIROSHI!!! HERE COMES JAPANESE THUNDER!!!

MN: AWWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEAH!!! HIROSHI ROCKS!!!

DT: Hiroshi in, NAILING JA with a crescent kick! JA goes down hard, but kips up! SNAP suplex by Hiroshi to JA! The Anglo Luchador is hurting in there as Hiroshi hits a SECOND snap suplex!

DM: That's the Kin Hiroshi advantage. He's so quick but so well-versed in wrestling psychology and technique. The man knowns his rasslin'.

DT: That can't be denied, Dean. Hiroshi moving on to Dodd - BELLY-TO-BELLY for Sebastian Dodd! JA to his feet - Hiroshi LEAPS onto the ropes! SOARS OFF WITH THE MOONSAULT PRESS AND TAKES JA DOWN!

MN: WOOOO! GO HIROSHI!!!

DT: Dodd to his feet in the corner - Hiroshi with the chops, but Dodd fires back! Reverses Hiroshi into the corner and hammers away! MONKEY FLIP by Dodd rocks Japanese Thunder!

DM: Like I said, I like Dodd. The man's the perfect wrestler. Quick and very technically sound.

MN: You like him because he wrestles how you did!

DM: I cannot deny that which is the truth.

DT: Now Hiroshi to his feet - OH, HUGE BACK SUPLEX TO HIROSHI BY SEB DODD! WAIT - JA UP ON THE TOP ROPE - FLYING LEGDROP ONTO DODD!!!

[CROWD: J-A! J-A! J-A! J-A!]

DT: This crowd chanting for JA, as he's ALL fired up! He's beckoning either man to get up! He's like a lion waiting to pounce!

[CROWD: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!]

[SFX: *BUZZ*]

DT: Here comes Aodhan Lorigan!

MN: Woah, he still wrestles for us?

DT: Lorigan in! RUSHES JA - BUT JA PUSHES HIM AND SENDS HIM FLYING OVER THE ROPES TO THE FLOOR!!!

[SFX: *DING*]

TONY FATORA: AODHAN LORIGAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

DM: That's an EPW record. Fastest Elimination Ever.

MN: Man! I thought Lorigan used to be good!

DT: JA taking a moment to pose for the crowd - BUT DODD GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND! SPINS HIM AROUND! KICK - D-O-DDT!!! JA GETS NAILED WITH SEBASTIAN DODD'S FINISHER!!!

MN: OW!!! NAILED HIM!!!

DM: JA's SO done!

DT: Dodd picking up JA! Trying to push him out - BUT HIROSHI GETS UP AND HITS DODD WITH THE REVERSE DDT!

MN: Ooooh, so close!

DT: Dodd and Hiroshi to their feet! Hiroshi laying in the big chops! Dodd fires back with his own chops! Hiroshi SHUTS him down with a kick - AND A HUGE HURRICANRANA! DODD IS REELING!

MN: Hiroshi's on FIRE!

DM: Japanese Thunder just struck Dodd hard!

DT: Hiroshi going to work on JA - but the Anglo Luchador sees him coming! JAWBREAKER BY JA!

[CROWD: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!]

[SFX: *BUZZ*]

DM: Well, it's been fun, boys...

[Matthews removes the headset.]

DT: What the hell - DEAN MATTHEWS IS IN THE RING! HE'S HIS OWN MYSTERY COMPETITOR!

MN: I thought his ACL was busted!

DT: Either he's lying or insane! Take your pick!

DT: Matthews and JA sizing each other up here! Tie-up! Go-behind by Matthews! TAKEDOWN, and he SLUGS JA in the head repeatedly! Pulls JA up - GERMAN suplex by the Show Stealer!

MN: He's not even showing any signs of ring rust! He was SO bull****ting about his knee!

DT: I don't even know what Matthews is thinking! Could he be trying to recapture his glory days as a headliner in NAW in Virginia?

MN: Hell if I know!

DT: Dodd to his feet now - Locks up with Matthews! Go-behind by Dodd! Now by Matthews with a hammerlock! Dodd reverses to an arm wringer! Matthews turns it into a headlock - BUT DODD BACK-SUPLEXES MATTHEWS HARD!

MN: OUCH!

DT: WAIT! HIROSHI UP ON TOP - FROG SPLASH TO MATTHEWS! THAT'S THE HIROSHI-MA BOMB!!!

MN: HE NAILED IT DEAD ON!!!

DT: Hiroshi trying to roll Matthews out - BUT JA GRABS HIM!!! BOOT TO THE GUT OF HIROSHI!! SETTING UP FOR THE KARELIN DRIVER - BUT DODD DROPKICKS THEM BOTH, SENDING THEM TUMBLING!!!

MN: OUCH! That HAD to hurt!

DT: Now Dodd scooping up Matthews! Chop! Chop - MATTHEWS WITH THE BIG KICK! SCOOPS DODD UP! CALLING FOR THE SHOW STEALER - BUT DODD SLIPS OUT EASILY!!! SCOOPS UP MATTHEWS - AND SLAMS HIM OVER THE ROPES!!!

MN: DOWN TO THE FLOOR! HOLY SCHNITZEL!!!

[SFX: *DING*]

TONY FATORA: DEAN MATTHEWS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!

DT: It's down to Dodd, JA, and Hiroshi again! Hiroshi up - SLUGGING AWAY AT DODD - TAKES HIM DOWN WITH THE DRIVEN DDT! Hiroshi going up top! He's ready for the Hiroshi-Ma Bomb!

MN: Wait, there's JA! Pushing - KNOCKS HIROSHI OFF THE TOP AND TO THE FLOOR!

[SFX: *DING*]

TONY FATORA: KIN HIROSHI HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!

DT: And then there were two! Sebastian Dodd and JA the Anglo Luchador! One of these men will walk out with a shot at the IC title!

MN: Looks like JA, because he's CALLING FOR THE KARELIN DRIVER!!!

DT: JA signalling to the crowd! Scoops up a limp Dodd! BRINGS HIM UP!!! OH MY GOD, HE HIT THE KARELIN DRIVER!!!

MN: AGGH! THAT THING IS BRUTAL!!!

DT: DODD HAS GOT TO BE UNCONSCIOUS AFTER THAT!!!

MN: JA WINS! GIVE HIM THE DAMN SHOT!

DT: JA moving Dodd's prone form towards the ropes - but he's tired! He can't get him all the way over!

MN: He's trying!

DT: Dodd's feet are on the apron - AND HE SUDDENLY LATCHES ON TO JA!

MN: He's recovering somehow!

DT: Dodd with a facelock on JA! Trying to pull the Anglo Luchador over the ropes!

MN: JA's fighting it too!

DT: Both men fighting! Dodd pulling... Leaning down... JA SLIPS OVER... AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR!!!

MN: HE'S OUT!!!

[SFX: *DINGDINGDING*]

TONY FATORA: Here is your winnerrr... SEBASTIAAAAAAAAAANNNNN... DOOOOOOOOOOOODD!!!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DT: A huge win for Sebastian Dodd, as he went through nine other men to secure the number one contendership for the IC Title - but it looked for a moment as if JA had it in the bag!

MN: Dodd got lucky. If JA weren't exhausted after that Karelin Driver he'd have dumped Dodd like a dead body.

DT: I think you're right. Folks, that's all the time we have, but tune in next week for more Aggression! Goodnight!

[Fade to credits, then to black.]