LQJT86C
Where's my money, Chad?
(FADEIN: The Office of NFW Executive Vice President and Director of Marketing FIONA LOVE. She's at her desk and picks up the phone to dial)
(CUTTO: The phone ringing in PETER WINDHAM's apartment. PW picks up)
PW: "Peter Windham, it's not my child. Talk to me!"
FIONA: "Hi Peter, Fiona Love. How are you?"
PW: "Oh, y'know, working for NFW. Collecting paychecks. What's up?"
FIONA: "Look, normally you'd be getting a call from HR about this, but I wanted to give you the heads up personally that HR received a complaint about your treatment of the talent enhancement."
PW: "Talent enhancement?? You mean the FUCKING JOBBERS?"
FIONA: "Yes, there was a complaint that you were hazing one of the...'jobbers.'"
PW: "WHAT? WHO COMPLAINED?!"
FIONA: "Peter, we can't tell you that."
PW: "NO...you GIVE ME their fucking name!"
FIONA: "That is so against company policy, it's not even funny."
PW: "In my neighborhood, the company policy is that SNITCHES GET THEIR ASS BEAT! I'm grabbing my baseball bat...who the fuck complained?"
FIONA: "Stop that, you know I can't tell you. You're not in huge trouble, but consider this your first warning. Please, PLEASE don't abuse the talent enhancement."
PW: "Yo, how many warnings do I get total?"
FIONA: "What...why?"
PW: "I think I know who the snitch is, so I'm gonna beat his ass with a bat and that can be my second of three warnings, then we're all good."
FIONA: "No, sorry, workplace harassment write-ups aren't like frequent flyer miles. If we get another complaint, you're fired. Do you understand?"
PW: "HOLD UP...question! The other day I told Donna at headquarters about the time I got a boner while taking a dump. Does that count as harassment?"
FIONA: "Yes!"
PW: "That's bullshit. You think that's how I'd come on to someone? It was just a funny story!"
FIONA: "I seriously doubt she found that funny."
PW: "FUCK her then! I'm the COMMISSIONER. Gotta keep my pimp-hand strong, especially for the JAY-BRONES who start getting that ego after they hear their name announced for the first time. There will be no egos on my watch!"
FIONA: "Last time I'm gonna tell you, Peter. KEEP-IT-PROFESSIONAL."
PW: "Was it professional when Jack Bryant ate your bunghole? I heard it was sweltering that day."
FIONA: "..."
PW: "DUDE, I'M KIDDING. Calm down!
FIONA: "Watch yourself, Peter."
PW: "Hey hey hey, I'm fine, alright? From here on out, everything I do here is going to be 100% professional. In fact, I've got a LinkedIn profile filled out. Submitting it tonight, we should connect. Cause I'm a PRO!"
FIONA: "Goodbye." (click)
(PW sits there in silence for a moment before getting up from his couch)
PW: "Pfff...professional. Of course I'm professional. Who the hell thinks I'm unprofessional?"
(CUEUP: "Saddam a Go-Go" by GWAR)
(CUTTO: PETER WINDHAM wearing sunglasses and a purple Charlotte Hornets jumpsuit circa 1995, seated on a saddle strapped to the back NFW jobber PHIL NECKBEARD JR, who is wearing only black boots and tighty whiteys. PW is spanking him with a wood paddle with "FRAT 2.0" engraved on it. There is a penis drawn on Phil's forehead. PW is riding him through the drive-thru at LONG JOHN SILVER'S somewhere in Cali)
PW: "GIDDYUP, PENIS BOY! GIDDYUP!" (SPANKS HIM w/paddle!)
DRIVE-THRU VOICE: "Welcome to Long John Silver's, home of the Free Fish Wednesday. Would you like to try our popcorn shrimp today?"
PW: "NO I WOULD NOT! So, uh, lemme get a 2 Fish combo, medium Dr. Pepper, and uh...does that come with the hushpuppies?"
VOICE: "Yes, that comes with two hushpuppies."
PW: "Alright cool. Also, give me a side of clam strips."
VOICE: "Will that be all?"
PW: "YUP."
VOICE: "Alright, your total comes to..."
PW: "Fuck off!"
(PW pulls Phil Neckbeard up to the window, but keeps him suspiciously WIDE of the actual service window. PW hands the person his bank card, and they swipe)
SERVICE PERSON: "I'm sorry sir, it says insufficient funds."
PW: "Whaaat? I just got paid! Ugh, I know it's in there. Here...(looks in wallet, pulls out the NFW Restricted Company Card)...use this one!"
SERVICE PERSON: "Alright, you're all set!"
(Service person stretches all the way out the window to hand the food and drink to PW)
PW: "NOW MIKEY! NOW!"
(From behind the building comes the 'Y MAN' MICHAEL SPARKS running like a banshee toward the services window, where he INTERCEPTS the food and runs away! Fries and soda spill everywhere!)
PW: "Hey! HEY! What the fuck?! That guy just stole my food!!!!"
SERVICE PERSON: "Oh...my god."
PW: "Fuck, I don't even know who that guy is! So uh, guess you'll have to make my order again. Maybe even give me a discount."
PHIL NECKBEARD: "COMMISSIONER! THEY'RE BEATING HIM!"
PW: "What? WHOA!"
(PW looks over to see a Long John Silver's security guard beating the FUCK out of the Y Man on the grass!)
SERVICE PERSON: "Sir, do you know that man?"
PW: "When the fuck did you guys get security?"
SERVICE PERSON: "We had no choice...dealing with THIEVES like you! SECURITY - HE'S IN ON IT!"
PW: "GO MAN, GO!" (spanks Phil with the paddle and Phil takes off)
SECURITY: "Where you think you're going, punks!"
PW: "AAAAHHHHHH!!"
(Security tackles Peter and Phil in a huge melee mashup. There is a huge skid mark in Phil's underwear, and PW immediately gets up and CRACKS the security guard with the FRAT 2.0 PADDLE, leaving him unconscious on the pavement. PW takes off down the street while everyone else is laid out!)
(FADEOUT)
(CUTTO: The phone ringing in PETER WINDHAM's apartment. PW picks up)
PW: "Peter Windham, it's not my child. Talk to me!"
FIONA: "Hi Peter, Fiona Love. How are you?"
PW: "Oh, y'know, working for NFW. Collecting paychecks. What's up?"
FIONA: "Look, normally you'd be getting a call from HR about this, but I wanted to give you the heads up personally that HR received a complaint about your treatment of the talent enhancement."
PW: "Talent enhancement?? You mean the FUCKING JOBBERS?"
FIONA: "Yes, there was a complaint that you were hazing one of the...'jobbers.'"
PW: "WHAT? WHO COMPLAINED?!"
FIONA: "Peter, we can't tell you that."
PW: "NO...you GIVE ME their fucking name!"
FIONA: "That is so against company policy, it's not even funny."
PW: "In my neighborhood, the company policy is that SNITCHES GET THEIR ASS BEAT! I'm grabbing my baseball bat...who the fuck complained?"
FIONA: "Stop that, you know I can't tell you. You're not in huge trouble, but consider this your first warning. Please, PLEASE don't abuse the talent enhancement."
PW: "Yo, how many warnings do I get total?"
FIONA: "What...why?"
PW: "I think I know who the snitch is, so I'm gonna beat his ass with a bat and that can be my second of three warnings, then we're all good."
FIONA: "No, sorry, workplace harassment write-ups aren't like frequent flyer miles. If we get another complaint, you're fired. Do you understand?"
PW: "HOLD UP...question! The other day I told Donna at headquarters about the time I got a boner while taking a dump. Does that count as harassment?"
FIONA: "Yes!"
PW: "That's bullshit. You think that's how I'd come on to someone? It was just a funny story!"
FIONA: "I seriously doubt she found that funny."
PW: "FUCK her then! I'm the COMMISSIONER. Gotta keep my pimp-hand strong, especially for the JAY-BRONES who start getting that ego after they hear their name announced for the first time. There will be no egos on my watch!"
FIONA: "Last time I'm gonna tell you, Peter. KEEP-IT-PROFESSIONAL."
PW: "Was it professional when Jack Bryant ate your bunghole? I heard it was sweltering that day."
FIONA: "..."
PW: "DUDE, I'M KIDDING. Calm down!
FIONA: "Watch yourself, Peter."
PW: "Hey hey hey, I'm fine, alright? From here on out, everything I do here is going to be 100% professional. In fact, I've got a LinkedIn profile filled out. Submitting it tonight, we should connect. Cause I'm a PRO!"
FIONA: "Goodbye." (click)
(PW sits there in silence for a moment before getting up from his couch)
PW: "Pfff...professional. Of course I'm professional. Who the hell thinks I'm unprofessional?"
(CUEUP: "Saddam a Go-Go" by GWAR)
(CUTTO: PETER WINDHAM wearing sunglasses and a purple Charlotte Hornets jumpsuit circa 1995, seated on a saddle strapped to the back NFW jobber PHIL NECKBEARD JR, who is wearing only black boots and tighty whiteys. PW is spanking him with a wood paddle with "FRAT 2.0" engraved on it. There is a penis drawn on Phil's forehead. PW is riding him through the drive-thru at LONG JOHN SILVER'S somewhere in Cali)
PW: "GIDDYUP, PENIS BOY! GIDDYUP!" (SPANKS HIM w/paddle!)
DRIVE-THRU VOICE: "Welcome to Long John Silver's, home of the Free Fish Wednesday. Would you like to try our popcorn shrimp today?"
PW: "NO I WOULD NOT! So, uh, lemme get a 2 Fish combo, medium Dr. Pepper, and uh...does that come with the hushpuppies?"
VOICE: "Yes, that comes with two hushpuppies."
PW: "Alright cool. Also, give me a side of clam strips."
VOICE: "Will that be all?"
PW: "YUP."
VOICE: "Alright, your total comes to..."
PW: "Fuck off!"
(PW pulls Phil Neckbeard up to the window, but keeps him suspiciously WIDE of the actual service window. PW hands the person his bank card, and they swipe)
SERVICE PERSON: "I'm sorry sir, it says insufficient funds."
PW: "Whaaat? I just got paid! Ugh, I know it's in there. Here...(looks in wallet, pulls out the NFW Restricted Company Card)...use this one!"
SERVICE PERSON: "Alright, you're all set!"
(Service person stretches all the way out the window to hand the food and drink to PW)
PW: "NOW MIKEY! NOW!"
(From behind the building comes the 'Y MAN' MICHAEL SPARKS running like a banshee toward the services window, where he INTERCEPTS the food and runs away! Fries and soda spill everywhere!)
PW: "Hey! HEY! What the fuck?! That guy just stole my food!!!!"
SERVICE PERSON: "Oh...my god."
PW: "Fuck, I don't even know who that guy is! So uh, guess you'll have to make my order again. Maybe even give me a discount."
PHIL NECKBEARD: "COMMISSIONER! THEY'RE BEATING HIM!"
PW: "What? WHOA!"
(PW looks over to see a Long John Silver's security guard beating the FUCK out of the Y Man on the grass!)
SERVICE PERSON: "Sir, do you know that man?"
PW: "When the fuck did you guys get security?"
SERVICE PERSON: "We had no choice...dealing with THIEVES like you! SECURITY - HE'S IN ON IT!"
PW: "GO MAN, GO!" (spanks Phil with the paddle and Phil takes off)
SECURITY: "Where you think you're going, punks!"
PW: "AAAAHHHHHH!!"
(Security tackles Peter and Phil in a huge melee mashup. There is a huge skid mark in Phil's underwear, and PW immediately gets up and CRACKS the security guard with the FRAT 2.0 PADDLE, leaving him unconscious on the pavement. PW takes off down the street while everyone else is laid out!)
(FADEOUT)