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24 Hour Party People

GreggG

Moderator
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
810
Points
18
(CUE UP: "Common People" by Pulp. CUT TO: A glitzy nightclub as young 20-somethings of the hipster persuasion dance the night away-- girls in tank tops, belly button rings, skirts, short punk-style haircuts.

The camera pans left. Two girls stand next to one guy, taking turns making out with him against the wall. The girls, frightfully young looking, then back up, smile, win at the camera and leave-- revealing TROY WINDHAM. Troy looks like a Strokes' guitarist-- shaggy mod haircut, dirty long sideburns, Oakley shades, a VAN HALEN retro T and a jean jacket.)

TROY: Yeah, life for Big Daddy Troy is good. I get to cut the lines at the world's finest nightclubs. I date fashion models, I rip up parking tickets, I ride in lear jets and I even have a guest starring role on the WB's 7th Heaven as the young reverend who secretly bones Jessica Biel in a church pew.

Yeah-- you just saw me hook up with not one but two teenaged girls, doped up on E, here at this rave I stumbled into. Now, they aren't here right now... but don't fret, because The Boy Troy already sealed the deal. They went to go find 15 or 16 of their closest friends, all of whom are going to pile into my stretch Humvee and go back to my 5-Star Penthouse Hotel Suite... where they'll all take turns waxin' my bean or getting plowed with their face burried in a pillow. The next morning, they'll all wake up, worried about mom or dad, but in a few months time, they'll remember it in their yearbooks. And even though I haven't been in high school for about a decade, Troy Windham will still be named Most Popular.

I had one of my dozens of agents contact me and tell me what exactly I'll be doing in a few weeks time, so I can have one of my assistants set the music on my new super-model IPod accordingly. I just got it, cost me a few thousands dollars, had it personalized and everything. Anyways, my agent told me I got hooked up with a fun gig-- that I'd be going overseas to London, England where I'd be wrestling in a tag team match for a special interpromotional card.

I asked him who'd I'd be going with. My match? I'm teaming with Shane Southern-- an okay wrestler, if you like 2nd-tier stars-- and I'm going against Eddie Mayfield and Craig Miles, two guys who owe their entire careers to myself, knowing if they didn't rip my 1998 promos off, they'd still be bringing wrestling rings with them to the VFW halls where they belong.

Then, curiously, I asked who else I knew was showing up. Eli Flair is going... a man who I've beaten down and broken so badly that he retires and unretires every other week. My brother, Mark, a man whose career I eclipsed the minute I stepped foot in an arena, is showing up to fight Dan Ryan... a man who is doing a pretty nice job shining the CSWA World Heavyweight title for me, the title that *I* made, a title that I can get back just by snapping my fingers. Also on the card is a whole bunch of no-names and go-nowheres who will, no doubt, be lining up hours before hand in the locker room dying for me to give them an autograph.

Now, just to let the rest of the people on the card know, Troy Windham, King of All Wrestling, will *NOT* be signing autographs-- but you can, if you mail my agent, get a personalized 8 by 10 glossy of me. I have also made it REAL specific to my agent that I am to have my own separate locker room with a catered 4-course meal before hand. If I don't get it, Song 2 may cue but I ain't walking out to the arena.

Now, you people are probably at home wondering why an international superstar such as myself agreed to perform on a card run by such a low-level promotion. The reason is simple-- I haven't been to England in a while and I haven't seen the Gallagher Brothers since Oasis played my birthday party two years back. I plan on meeting up with those dudes and maybe David Beckham and Posh Spice, who keeps on text messaging me wondering when she can have the honor of me taking a dump on her face.

Now, I ain't usually into any of that bukake stuff... but that's cool with me if it's cool with Becks and Posh. England should be a fun time. I'll show up, set the country on fire, sell out a wrestling show, have the GXW World Champ-- whoever he may be-- present me with the keys to his 1987 Honda Accord in gratitude and appreciation for the rub I'll give him, beat up and Eddie and Craig and maybe smack Shane Southern in his toothless face for good measure.

Yep, it should be a good time. (The camera pans. There, the two original girls are back-- along with about two dozen of their closest, sluttiest, youngest friends.)

Just like tonight. See ya'll in England. (Troy takes the arms of the two original girls with the phalanx following behind him. FTB)
 

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