"Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake.
And everybody's empty,
And everything is so messed up.
Pre-occupied. Without you,
I cannot live at all.
"My whole world surrounds you.
I stumble, then I crawl."
~
It had been a little over two weeks since I'd left home to visit my cousin in Miami. Reeve Gordon, the man that inspired me to return to the game. He is the only semblance of family I have left. Well...
By blood, that is.
Miami, Oklahoma. Not exactly the sunny beach locale scattered with palm trees you may think of when you hear the name... but it was my home away from home. And to be honest, at this point in my life-- it was the only place I wanted to be. Till the move. Till I left everything I had ever known behind... to be with her. To be happy. For the first time. To live.
But before I headed out on my 'cycle, to finally break free from the past and make a future, I had to see him. For what could, perhaps, be the final time. I still felt the fear, I still felt like I was drowning in a pool of regret. And I felt like there was no bottom. As if it would just get deeper, and deeper, till it sucked me in, and suffocated me. Till there was no longer a breath left for me to breathe.
Inside me, I knew what I needed. WHO I needed. But would I even make it there? And would I truly be the person she needed... Everything I'd ever tried. Every attempt I'd ever made to make things better, to succeed, to live up to my potential... failure. After failure. Much of the time, I felt like a walking, talking disappointment.
When I began, when I first stepped onto the scene... I was this fiery, passionate, enigmatic, flamboyant son-of-a-bitch. I was here. Queer. And if anyone had a problem with it... they could meet me in the ring. And I'd be ready.
But over the years, all that confidence, all that self-esteem and pride and PASSION-- it was sapped away. Yes, much of it was due to my own refusal to alter things about myself. Not who I was, but what I did. My reaction to their hatred, my constant outbursts and lack of common sense. My eagerness to give in to my emotions... whether it be my fury or my depression.
But that hate... it took its toll. "Worthless shemale". "Ugly fucking faggot". If you can think of it, I've heard it. They say sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can never hurt us, but TELL THAT... to anyone that's lived my life. A life filled with words some people wouldn't call their most sworn enemy. Tell that to anyone who went through 12 years of school where the words didn't become easier to deal with. It didn't "get better". No. It got worse. They escelated, up to the point where those words were accompanied by threats. And those threats were accompanied by fists. Anything they could do to tear me down and break me.
Tell that to anyone, whose own father called him every word in the book. A father that abused his wife, till she could no longer take it. She sees him with their son's own babysitter... and it's over. She's gone. He's your only guardian. And the word 'guardian'... well, let's just say that term doesn't hold much weight when it's applied to a man like Frank Bryant.
Now. 13 years later. I was a shell. A hollow shell of my former self. Because I'd allowed all of those words to stockpile in the corners of my mind. I allowed them to control me, to give way to the negativity that made its home within. Every time I would do something, anything, within my head, there was this little voice telling me what I was doing wrong. When I looked into the mirror, all I could think of was what was wrong with the image staring back at me. Every time I tried to 'make it happen'... that voice told me why I never could.
A million people could tell me how brilliant I was. How creative I was. How handsome I was as a guy or how beautiful I was as a gal. That all I had to do... was be me. Straight edge. Bisexual. Androgynous.
But no matter what they told me... deep inside, that voice would give me a million reasons why each and every last one of them was wrong.
Her voice was the first one to begin chipping away at that layer of self-hatred. To strike away at it till it was gone, and my inner light was all that was left.
But his... his was the one that woke me up, and told me to leave the past behind... and make a future with her.
"Shane, I know how you feel. I do, believe me. I always went under paint. And you wanna know why? Cuz I was ashamed of who I was underneath. I was afraid to show my face, because I felt, once they saw who I truly was... they would turn against me. The fans, the roster, the people in charge. Why? Because I was the one person who saw the face uncovered. I was the guy looking back in the reflection, and I DESPISED what I saw.
"Till my gal... Alexis. She told me all I had to hear. And that's what I'm tellin' you right now.
"It doesn't matter what they see. It doesn't matter if they loathe you or love you.
"As long as you love yourself. Not who you WERE... but who you are, in this moment of now. As long as you're doin' the things that make you happy, long as you're livin' a life that makes YOU proud and no one else. That's all that matters. Because, no matter who you were in the past. No matter who betrayed you, who left you, or even who YOU let down or disappointed. Now. That's the only moment that counts. Because what you do now, who you ARE now, that's what dictates what you will do and who you will be. You can spend 31 years livin' for everyone else. Livin' in regret, livin' in turmoil and depression and anger and lettin' everything slip through your fingers...
"But it takes one. Moment. To change all of that. To set yourself right. And start livin' for the man in the mirror.
"I know how you feel, dude. I do, because I've lived it. But I met Lex. And she told me... don't live for her. Because she might not always be there. But, instead? Live to know that someone like her, someone that LOVES me... for me.... wants me to LIVE, for me.
"Now, MB... you've got two choices. Ya got two roads ya can follow. You can keep wallowin' in your own pity. Ya can let all the words, of others outside, and yourself inside, keep you down and hold you there.
"Or you can take the road less traveled. Ya can hop on your chopper, put the key in the ignition, turn that sum'bitch till you hear that baby roar... and you can ride. The choice is yours."
I looked at my cuz. And I smiled. The same positive energy I'd felt from the rain that poured down upon me the other night... I felt it. I shook Reeve's hand, and patted him on the back, thanking him. For everything. I waved, for what might have been the last time... and I headed out.
Whatever comes, from this point forward? The good, the bad, and the in between...
I'm going to make it happen.
"The Showman", Reeve Gordon wouldn't have it any other way.
~
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood-- and I?
I took the one less traveled by.
And that has made all the difference."
- Robert Frost
~
#it'sShowtimeFolks
~
"Everyone is changing,
There's no one left that's real.
To make up your own ending,
And let me know just how you feel.
'Cause I am lost without you,
I cannot live at all.
"My whole world surrounds you.
I stumble, then I crawl."
~
The Mac Manor. My home. The mansion I earned through 13 years of blood, sweat and tears. Hard work and sacrifice. It was one of the very few things I did have to show for all the wasted potential... And soon, I'd be selling it. To afford a ticket, out of Nowhere... and onto Somewhere.
Nowhere, Oklahoma. The tiny town I'd called mine since the day I was born 31 years ago. All the torment, all the pain, all the suffering. It was a town I was desperate to leave. Desperate to forget. And soon, I would be. To travel the road, to find my new home. To find her.
My Sissy. The kid sister I'd always wanted but never had. Till now.
I sat in the middle of my plush, Queen-sized bed, legs crossed, notebook computer resting in my lap. And I gazed at the screen. Smiling... as she smiled back.
"You're ready?", she asked, with that adorably beautiful voice of hers.
"Yes. Yes, iAm. FINALLY. I've been WAITING for this moment for months... ever since May of last year."
She giggled. That infectiously cute giggle. "You're not the only one, Bubby." Her expression then became a bit more serious, as did her tone. "Are you prepared? Do you have EVERYTHING ready. I've been telling you for months, you can't come here unless you're truly prepared. You don't take care of yourself, babe. You haven't for years."
My smile began to dissipate... as I knew she was right. Ever since I felt like my career was headed nowhere, I'd began to let myself go. And that was over five years ago, at least. I didn't eat, drink, sleep, or do anything as I should. And I knew I couldn't keep living this way. Not if I wanted to live there, with her.
"I know, hun." I softly whispered, my head bowed slightly. "I do... I know I have to be responsible. I know I have to change."
"Not who you are, BUT...?"
"...what I do." This brought a slight smile to my face. Knowing, that while she hated many of the things I did [as well as didn't do]... she loved who I was. For me. All of me. And not an ounce less. I raised my eyes, and gazed into hers. I spoke. "Hannah... I love you, you know."
"I know." She sighed, shaking her head gently. "But we're not there yet."
A slight grin made its way to the corner of my mouth, and I tilted my head to the side. I bit my lip... looked down... before looking back up. Into her gorgeous, grey eyes. "...when I get there. Things are gonna be different. Better. And as soon as I step foot before you... I want that hug you promised. Deal?"
She smiled, playfully... with just a hint of her devilish, slightly-evil charm. She nodded her head. "Deal."
I reached toward the counter, and showed her what Reeve had given me... a black baseball bat. The very same we'd spent our youth playing with. Before my mother had left. Before I realized what kind of bastard my father would become after he allowed alcohol to consume him.
"He told me to take this with me. To remember the good times. Annnd... just in case I need some 'back-up'." I smirked.
She rolled her eyes and giggled. "You and your toys."
"I could say the same about you." I smiled. BEAMED. From ear to ear.
"...hush, child. Pack your things. And come to me. Call. First time you have the chance."
"You got it, babe. ^__^ I love you."
"I know." She shook her head. Smiled. And turned off Skype.
I sighed... things had changed since we first began speaking. Hell, they changed from the time we first met, March 2013, to May 19th of last year... and they've changed many times since then.
But through each change, my feelings for her only grew. And I knew, that as long as she cared about me, it didn't matter if I was her friend, Bubby... or something more...
As I gazed into her eyes that night, I felt that same positive energy I'd felt from the rain, the same feeling I'd felt from Reeve's words... only ten fold.
As long as she was there... This place? Nowhere, OK... it was no longer my home.
I knew where my home was.
And I was on my way.
Ready to ride.
~
"You could be my someone,
You could be my scene.
You know that I will save you,
from all of the unclean.
I wonder what you're doing,
I wonder where you are.
There's oceans in between us--
"But that's not very far."