“Here we are, eh ladies? Final four of the Road to Glory Tournament! We’re about to crown the first PWE Universal Champion, folks. I got goosebumps, and not the novels – or TV show for that matter. This is history in the making, and while all you clowns are lucky enough to witness it, only a select few are privileged enough to actually live it. Let’s do the list, shall we?
Participant number one, and the unlucky sucker who has to face The L-E-E in the semi-finals, one lightbulb short of a picnic, it’s the current PWE Gateway champion, The Lunatic!
Participant number two, complete with Finger-Me-Elmo, and a string you pull on her back that says “Kill Your Parents” in between innocent laughs and ramblings in Japanese, it’s the real-life representation of all those creepy girls in movies like The Ring, Tomoko Hanahara!
Participant number three, the real nutjob of the bunch, a Hillbilly who thinks he’s a Mexican, and also thinks he’s actually talented, can you believe that shit? I kid you not though people, this R.W. Randolph dude is abso-fucking-lutely kooky.
And, participant number four, who really needs no introduction. After all, you’ve got this recording playing in front of you for a reason. He is both the Eastern, and Southern Hemisphere’s greatest export. Some say that if he stops swimming, he won’t drown, but instead every fish in the world will. Other reports claim that tiny, solid collections of minerals, commonly referred to as “stones” are actually named after him. He is, of course, the product of an unnatural union between the irresistible force and the immovable object. Bitches and gentlefucks, he is The World’s Greatest (and that ain’t just a nickname), Lee Stone!
Take the time to cheer for me right now, go ahead, I’ll wait.
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Thank you! Thank you! And thank you, Lee, for that wonderful introduction.
You are most welcome, Lee.
Now, third person references aside, perhaps only temporarily, it’s time to get down to business. This is a serious subject, so I’m putting on my serious face, and I expect the same respect to be shown by the rest of you, so keep it straight and narrow. That goes double for you, Lunatic. I’ve got my eye on you! No tomfoolery, no shenanigans, and most certainly no monkey-business! You hear me? This is about wrestling, damn it! This is about pride in your career, and more importantly pride in yourself. Ah, who am I kidding? Fuck you bitches, this is about me.
I mean, let’s look at the facts. I know Looney Lewey over here from a brief shared tenure in the XWF, and so while I’d love to speak on current issues, and still might, unfortunately a large portion of the judgment I pass on him will inevitably come from that Eighth Circle of Hell we both used to call home. Go revisit your Dante’s Inferno knowledge to know what I’m talking about there.
Anyway, Lunatic, allow me to first apologize for what is to come. I’m not going to assume as if I’ve somehow hurt your feelings or anything, that would be too big an guess on my behalf as the general consensus seems to be that even you don’t know what the hell you’re feeling. To clarify why I’m apologizing though, Looney, it’s because I’m about to look down my nose at you based on only past accomplishments.
Let’s look at the tale of the tape. I, Leroy Bruce Stone, during my tenure in the XWF, collected such notable achievements as one Universal Title reign, one World Title reign, two Canadian Title reigns, one Hart Title reign, two Tag Team Title reigns, one Stable Title reign, two Star Of The Months, and was recognized as an official XWF Legend, all the while collecting a few other minor accomplishments on the way. What do you have, son? One Tag Team Title reign, and two runs with the Phoenix Title? (Going OOC here just to say R.I.P AJ) Wow, well aren’t you just a special motherfucker now?
I know what you’re going to say though now, dude. Believe it or not, I’m sifting through this clusterfuck you call a mind right now. I’m getting my Professor X on, straight telepathy style. And pushing past the horrifying images of Rage dressed in leather (and not much leather might I add – eww), and a near photographic memory of the first season of Ugly Betty (man, you must be nuts), I’m getting to the point in your head where I can read what you’re saying right now. It goes a little like this: “big deal, Lee, you were in the XWF for over five years, that’s a lot longer than I was there for”. Well, here’s the curveball big guy, I agree one hundred percent.
Now your brain is hurting even more, isn’t it? You’re wondering to yourself what the point of me pointing all that shit out was, if I’m just going to say that I had an unfair advantage in the fact that I started out at the bottom there way back in 2003. Well kiddo, that’s actually part of my point. I’ve got a lot more experience than you do. Some people like to come into matches thinking that it doesn’t matter what happened in the past, because every match is a new match, and you’re only as a good as the last whooping you put on someone, or received. Those people though, are morons. And they usually lose. Of course what happens in the past matters! That’s how we grow as people. That’s how we learn, and avoid making the same mistakes we’ve already made. I’ve made a whole fuckload of mistakes before (one fuckload equates to ten metric shitloads for those of you playing at home), and for once that’s a good thing. What that means, Lunatic, is that out of the huge range of ways I can be attacked, only the tiniest fraction is actually going to be effective. That’s going to make it a hell of a lot harder for you to get the upper hand.
Don’t get this twisted though, man. I was apologizing earlier on about me rattling off all those accomplishments of mine, because it’s really something I don’t like doing, unless there’s a reason for it. I’m actually quite open to the idea of anybody getting one-up on me, whether or not my personal experience outweighs them a trillion to one, or not. Especially when it comes to someone like you. You’ve got that ‘think outside the box’ thing going on, to put it lightly, and that works to your favor in the backwards-ass world we work in. So if anyone could find that tiny chink in the armor of The World’s Greatest, it’s more likely going to be someone a little… unconventional, like yourself. But don’t get too excited. Because that mountain of experience I’m sitting a top of, works both in defense, and offense. I’ve played this game enough times to know what works, and what doesn’t, against all sorts of opponents. And if you think you’re the first goofball I’ve tussled with, well then you’d be sadly mistaken.
So where does that leave us? I’ve got a wealth of knowledge backing me up. Meanwhile you’re crazy. Cool. Good luck with that. I put my underwear on backwards when I woke up this morning. Didn’t realize it till midday either, although I suppose that was only an hour later. It’s not quite the same as wearing a straight jacket for shits and giggles, but at least it’s down the same path. I guess there’s a little bit of crazy in all of us. I wonder what would happen if that little bit was let out?