MN: Doozy? Damn it, Thomas, get out of the 19th Century.
DM: Neely, you’re a jive turkey. This match should be the bees’ knees.
MN: (sighs)
DT: One has to wonder what role, if any, Priest will play in this match.
MN: Are you kidding? Priest said he wouldn’t interfere in the match. His word is his bond.
DT: I don’t know how you can say that, seeing that we know little to nothing about Priest.
DM: Well, hopefully, he won’t, because all title matches should end clean. Unlike last week...
DT: Well, Dodd had no business interfering in that match, and speaking of him...
[“Stellar” hits on the PA and “Your Hero” Sebastian Dodd comes out to thundering boos.]
DT: Dodd is eschewing his normal shtick. He’s coming to the ring with a purpose.
MN: Yeah, a purpose to take the Eye-See title off of the undeserving waist of JA.
DM: Please Neely, JA didn’t ask for Dodd to come down, and in fact, if things went to plan, it would have been JA that was on the receiving end of that shot. Besides, what wrestler comes down to that song anyway?
DT: Well, judging theme songs aside, here comes the former champion...
[“Only Happy When It Rains” hits on the PA and former IC Champ “Gentleman” Jonathan Marx comes out to a mixed reaction.]
DM: Marx is another man possessed. He thinks he was wronged out of the title, and he wants it back.
MN: Well, he’s not going to get it back, seeing that he’s in the ring with the Almighty Dodd.
DT: And don’t forget the man who’s holding the title...
[“Eat the Rich” hits on the PA and the crowd explodes for the Intercontinental Champion. JA comes out with the title slung over his shoulder. He gets to the threshold of the ring, takes off his Elway jersey and tosses it into the crowd.]
MN: Shameless pandering!
DM: You’re just jealous because you’re not as popular, Neels.
MN: I’m popular. I was voted the number one wrestling announcer in Moose Jaw and Kamloomps.
DT: Hey, I didn’t win in Kamloomps? Gosh darn it!
DM: Alright kiddies, the match is about to start.
[SFX: *ding ding*]
DT: Alright, both challengers are eyeing up the champion and Dodd rushes in to charge at JA, but OH MY! He just ate turnbuckle! JA moved out of the way and now he’s eyeing up Dodd stumbling back, but...
DM: Wham bam thank you ma’am!
DT: Marx with a reverse DDT on the unsuspecting champ!
DM: JA let his guard down early and it cost him. Not the way you want to start off the match.
DT: Marx looking to grab JA, but, OH MY! Dodd just nailed him with a clothesline!
MN: There you go, Almighty Dodd! Kill ‘em both!
DT: Dodd’s now in early control of the match. JA’s getting to his feet, but Dodd kicks him in the face as he’s getting up! Dodd is a house on fire!
DM: Well, he obviously doesn’t respect JA, this doesn’t surprise me at all.
DT: Dodd’s got JA in a sleeper hold, but Marx is back up and he stomps both Dodd and JA! Marx picks JA and Dodd up, but...
DM: Rama-lama-ham-dam-a!
MN: Marx was right! JA and Dodd are working together!
DT: Well, they’re working together here as they’re both pummeling Marx here! Dodd with a left, JA with a right and Marx to the canvas. Dodd turns around and, HE JUST CLOCKED JA!
DM: So much for the teamwork theory.
MN: Well, Dodd has the right idea here. GO MY HERO!
DM: Don’t you mean Kenny Lombardo’s Hero?
DT: Whoever’s hero he is, Dodd has just tossed JA out of the ring. And now, he’s going to work on the former champ. Dodd goes over to Marx and he drops him *hard* with a side backbreaker.
MN: Almighty Dodd is taking no prisoners here! Go Sebastian, go!
DM: It’s only a backbreaker, Neels. I’d hate to see what you’d do if he hit a real move.
DT: Well, Dodd’s certainly not done yet. He’s got Marx in a Boston crab, locked in tight. The ref is checking with the former champ, but he’s not going to tap here.
DM: Of course not. Marx is battle-tested. It’ll take a lot more than that to make him tap.
DT: Dodd breaks the hold and drags Marx to his feet. He...
MN: ...McGreeveys him!
DT and DM: Shut up!
MN: Sheesh!
DT: Anyway, Dodd behind Marx and... BIG GERMAN SUPLEX WITH A BRIDGE...
One...
But Marx kicks out. Not so close call there, but Dodd’s going back to work.
MN: Almighty Dodd is a student of the game.
DM: And so are the other two wrestlers here, which is why this has been and will be an outstanding match.
MN: Other two? JA is still outside the ring.
DM: Strategy. JA will get back in the match.
DT: But Dodd is handling Marx right now... ouch! Big time Russian side leg sweep right there. Dodd back to the canvas, this time with a sleeper hold on Marx.
DM: Dodd is aggressive like a pit bull here, Dave. I like this intensity.
MN: Finally, you fools are coming around to seeing the Almighty Dodd’s greatness.
DM: No one ever denied that he’s good, Neels. Thing is, we don’t worship him like he’s God either.
DT: Don’t you mean Dodd?
MN: Haha, very funny.
DT: What’s not funny here is that Marx looks like he’s getting worn down here. Ref raises his arm once, and Marx drops. Two times... and Marx’s arm stays up. Dodd breaks the hold and just STOMPS Marx right in his back!
DM: Mean streak~!
DT: Dodd picks Marx up and crashes him right back down the canvas again with a huge DDT! He covers again...
One...
...two...
...but Marx kicks out again!
DM: Great tenacity by Marx here. He’s holdin’ on to the niiiight...
MN: Thanks for the eighties flashback there, Don Henley.
DM: Wait, Don Henley didn’t sing that song, did he?
DT: I don’t know, but Marx is in trouble here. Dodd’s going for the D-O-DDT, but wait... JA’s back in the ring and on the top rope...
DM: Come fly with him...
DT: MISSILE DROPKICK RIGHT TO DODD’S HEAD!
MN: Disqualify him! Loaded boots! Loaded boots!
DM: John Elway never flew like that, but then again, John Elway’s not a luchador!
DT: Dodd is on the canvas, he took those boots right to the temple! JA takes Marx and sets him up... OH MY! LUCKY SEVEN SUPLEX! JA just *planted* Marx on his head. He covers...
One...
...two...
...but Dodd somehow got over to break it up!
DM: I don’t know how he got up, but that’s MOXIE!
MN: No it’s not, it’s the Almighty Dodd being... almighty!
DT: JA and Dodd both get up, and Dodd goes in with a left cross, but JA blocks it and nails him with a right jab! Dodd stumbles back and JA nails him with a clothesline!
DM: Promo-bot 7500X is malfunctioning!
MN: Show some respect to the Almighty Dodd!
DM: Much like you show tons of respect to the World Champ?
MN: Hey, Big Loafy doesn’t deserve respect, mkay?
DT: Well irregardless, JA’s got Dodd back on his feet and... chop!
Crowd: WOOOO!
DT: ...and another...
Crowd: WOOO!
DT: And another!
Crowd: WOOO!
DT: Dodd back against the ropes and JA whips him off. Dodd on the rebound and... FLAPJACK!
DM: With syrup!
DT: JA covers...
One...
...but Dodd kicks out!
MN: I can’t believe this display of ripping off here. First the chops, then the flapjack...
DM: Oh please, next thing you’re going to tell me is that the vertical suplex is the domain and the domain only of Joey Melton.
MN: Well duh, who didn’t know that?
DT: I didn’t. I’ve seen people do the suplex for ages.
DM: Well, he does have a point. I mean, how old is Melton anyway?
MN: Hey, show some res...
DT: OH MY! JA JUST NAILED DODD WITH A TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER OUT OF THE IRISH WHIP! He covers again...
One...
...two...
...but Dodd kicks out again!
MN: This is blatant!
DM: Yes, blatantly punishing. JA’s taking out all his aggressions from Aggression out on Dodd here.
DT: And now JA grabs the legs and, oh my, I think we’re going to see a Liontamer here!
DM: Walls of Jericoholic! Walls of Jericoholic!
DT: JA’s pulling back tight, but... it’s Marx! Marx is up and he just nailed JA with a vicious clothesline!
DM: Payback for that nasty Joshi suplex JA whipped out on Marx earlier.
DT: Marx nails Dodd right in the back of the head with a knee drop and goes right back after JA.
DM: I don’t understand this. Pin Dodd, he’s out.
DT: But JA’s still pretty cognizant. This might be good strategy here by the Gentleman.
DM: Perhaps...
DT: JA’s back up, but Marx sends him back down to the canvas with another clothesline! Marx then with the knee right to JA’s throat! Ouch!
MN: Good job Marx. Shut that jerk-store up!
DT: Marx back up and BACK DOWN AGAIN WITH ANOTHER KNEE ACROSS JA’S THROAT! And he’s back up and... A THIRD KNEE!
DM: Christ Jesus, you’d think Marx would have been doing that to Dodd considering how much he annoyed him this week.
DT: Marx back down on the canvas and he’s got JA in a Dragon sleeper!
DM: Hey, Neels, how about calling Marx out here on that totally unoriginal move.
MN: Bite me, that’s totally original.
DM: Right...
DT: I don’t know how JA is breathing here, Marx has that hold locked in tight. The ref is checking with JA, but the champ will not give up. Marx relinquishes the hold and grabs the champ. He’s picking JA up and he puts JA’s throat across his knee.
DM: I don’t like the looks of this...
DT: Marx leaps up and... DRIVES JA’S THROAT RIGHT INTO HIS KNEE! JA is GASPING for air here! Cover...
One...
...two...
...but the champion kicks out! Marx wasting no time getting back and he DRIVES JA’s head down onto the canvas with a strong DDT. Another cover...
One...
...two...
JA kicks out again!
DM: Marx is possessed. He wants his belt back.
DT: He sure does, and he’s gonna try to make JA tap in the bow and arrow hold to get it back! Marx with the hold cinched in, but Dodd’s up and he just LEVELED Marx with a boot to the face! Now he’s got JA and... DDT! He just planted the Anglo Luchador with that DDT!
DM: Dodd’s in a good position right now.
MN: Yes, the Almighty Dodd is going to win right here!
DT: Dodd’s grabbing JA back up and now he’s got Marx.
DM: Looks like we’re gonna see a COCONUT CRUNCH!
DT: That’s exactly what Dodd’s looking to do, but JA and Marx block it! Double kick to the gut and a double DDT! JA covers...
One...
No! Marx drags JA off! Now he’s covering...
One...
But JA drags him off! Now JA’s in Marx’s face! Right hand to Marx’s face! Marx fires back with a right of his own, and another, and another, now he’s grabbing the Anglo Luchador and... GOURDBUSTER! Marx covers...
One...
Two...
But Dodd breaks up the pinfall and he covers...
One...
Two...
Marx drags Dodd off and just NAILS him with a reverse DDT! Now Marx is going for a figure four on Dodd!
DM: Whoa, I think I need a cigarette after that.
MN: Yeah, that was intense, but not as intense as my night last night, ba-beee!
DM: Dude, all you did was look at the Sears catalogue.
MN: Hey, shut up!
DT: Marx’s got that hold locked in tight, but... here comes JA! Leg drop across Marx’s chest! Marx breaks the hold!
MN: More infringement!
DT: Infringement or not, JA’s got Dodd now and... OH NO! DODD JUST REVERSED JA INTO A SMALL PACKAGE!
One...
Two...
But JA kicks out. Both men back to their feet, but... MARX JUST NAILED BOTH OF THEM WITH A DUAL CLOTHESLINE!
DM: This is insane!
DT: Marx grabs Dodd and whips him off the ropes... SPINEBUSTER! He’s gonna try to cover, but JA grabs him from behind... DRAGON SUPLEX! That’s the second big suplex JA has landed on Marx this match!
DM: HEADA DOROPPINGU!
MN: Freak!
DT: JA’s now going to the top rope, he jumps... frogsplash on Marx... NO! Marx moved! Marx moved!
MN: And here comes the Almighty Dodd!
DT: Dodd is up and.... BIG RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX ON JA! Now he’s got the champ and.... HERO’S END! DODD’S GOT HIM IN THE HERO’S END!
DM: Not for long!
DT: OUCH! Marx just came out of NOWHERE and nailed Dodd with a bulldog! Marx’s got JA and... MARXISM! He’s stretching the champion!
MN: Here comes Dodd!
DT: And Dodd with a stomp right on the back of Marx’s head! Dodd grabs Marx and...
MN: HOLY SHI...
DT: FAMILY SHOW!
MN: SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS!
DT: D-O-DDT! Marx has gotta be out!
One...
Two...
Thr...
And JA breaks up the pinfall!
DM: This match certainly isn’t for the faint of heart!
DT: I know. JA’s got Dodd and one shot to the head, but Dodd absorbs it and shoots another one back. JA with another right cross, but Dodd fires right back with a jab. JA goes with a wild haymaker, but Dodd ducks it and... BACK SUPLEX! Dodd covers...
One...
Two...
...but Marx breaks up the pinfall!
MN: That’s not very gentlemanly of Marx!
DM: When titles are on the line, Neels, gentlemanliness goes out the window.
DT: You’re right. Marx grabs Dodd and PLANTS him with a gourdbuster. He goes over to JA... NO! JA just clocked Marx with an uppercut to his abdominal area... SITOUT POWERBOMB! JA with the pin...
One...
Two...
Th... NO! Dodd breaks up the pin attempt with a pinpoint dropkick right to JA’s head as he was sitting there!
DM: Holy crap, man. All three of these guys are dishing out and taking massive amounts of punishment.
MN: And this is where Dodd’s almightiness will go in his favor.
DT: Dodd’s got JA and it looks like he’s gonna give him the D-O-DDT too. What? He can’t hit the move... because Marx is hanging on his legs!
MN: Talk about desperation!
DM: This is Empire gold we’re talking about here. Doesn’t matter if it’s the Eye-See belt or the Big One, it’s an honor and a prestige to carry it. And Marx wants desperately to carry it!
DT: Marx to his feet and... reverse DDT on Dodd, but Dodd didn’t let go of JA, so he got a DDT too! All three men are down on the canvas!
DM: It looks like a war zone in there!
MN: Oh man, this is where Dodd rises from the dead to win the match!
DT: Cut the blasphemy out, Neely! We don’t want to offend our Christian viewers!
MN: Well, we signed Cross to a contract, so too late for that.
DT: All three men are stirring, trying to get up. Have we ever had a triple count out before?
DM: Not that I know of, and I hope we don’t start here - hey look at that!
DT: Folks, Adam Benjamin has just come down the ramp and is setting up a chair at ringside - he's settling in to watch the match!
MN: It's Big Daddy English!
DT: JA to his knees over on the ropes. Dodd’s crawling on all fours here. Marx is the first one to his feet full. He goes over to Dodd and... OKLAHOMA ROLL!
One...
...two...
But Dodd kicks out. JA now up to his feet and he’s stalking Marx.... SCHOOL BOY!
One...
...two...
NO! Marx kicks out.
DM: So many close calls here.
DT: And here comes another one as Dodd sneaks up behind JA and rolls him up!
One...
...two...
NO! JA kicks out. Dodd rolls quickly to a corner.
DM: Good strategy here by Dodd, seeing as how everyone’s been getting snuck up on here.
DT: JA and Marx similarly retreat to corners as the crowd is wildly cheering each of these three men’s efforts.
DM: Is it safe to say that we’re at the beginning of round two here?
MN: A round where the Almighty Dodd will score a big win!
DT: All three men come out of their corners, and... OH MY! JA AND MARX JUST TOOK DODD’S HEAD OFF WITH THAT DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!
MN: Blasphemy! Dodd Almighty, get up!
DM: I think both of these men were tired of Dodd’s antics during the week and want to settle this match themselves, like they should have been able to do last week.
DT: Collar and elbow tie... NO! Dodd just got up and clocked JA on the side of the head! Now he’s engaging Marx! This has turned into a donnybrook!
DM: Very uncharacteristic for the Gentleman, but his emotions are besting him right here!
DT: Right from Dodd, left from Marx, right from Dodd, another right from Dodd, left uppercut from Dodd misses and Marx counters with a jumping armbreaker!
DM: Now that’s more in the Gentleman’s wheelhouse!
DT: Marx grabs Dodd and gets him in a hammerlock, but look at this! JA’s to his feet and he’s going to the top again. He jumps and... MISSES WITH THE MISSILE DROPKICK! Marx released the hold and JA missed both Marx and Dodd!
DM: Went to the well one time too many if you asked me!
MN: Well, we didn’t ask you... even though I agree with you.
DM: Jerk.
DT: Marx goes over to JA and he’s got him in a half crab! JA’s in pain here, guys, and... oh man, look, Dodd’s up! What’s he doing?
MN: This is genius! He’s got the other leg! It’s a double Boston crab! Long live Dodd Almighty!
DM: Holy crap, that is genius. Taking him down like that. Although one question, what happens if JA taps here? Who wins?
DT: I don’t know, but I’m sure JA doesn’t want to find out here. He’s trying to inch closer to the ropes, but I don’t know how long he can hold out.
MN: Tap! Tap you silly bastard!
DM: He likes his title too much. I don’t think it’s in him.
DT: JA looks like he’s about to pass out. The ref is checking him and... WHAT? DODD JUST RELEASED HIS END OF THE HOL D AND CLOCKED JONATHAN MARX!
DM: I guess Dodd didn’t want to find out what would have happened if JA tapped here.
MN: Good strategy. Leech off of Marx and put JA out of commission. The title is Dodd’s!
DT: Dodd picks up Marx and locks him up in a sleeper hold!
MN: Lights out! New champion!
DT: Dodd has that hold locked in, and Marx seems to be fading fast... ref holds the arm up once... drops! He holds the arm up twice... drops.
DM: Not looking good for the former champ...
DT: Holds it up third time... and MARX KEEPS IT UP!
MN: Blood doping! Blood doping!
DT: Marx pushes back and drives Dodd into the corner with all his power. Dodd breaks the hold and Marx turns around... KICK TO THE GUT by Dodd! Oh my, Dodd saw it coming! Dodd locks him up... slingshot suplex! He covers...
One...
...two...
Thr... NO! Marx kicks out. In the other corner, JA is finally getting to his feet.
DM: That may have been a big mistake. JA’s legs were hurting, but he’s back to his feet now.
MN: The damage has been done. Let’s pay attention to the new champion now, the Almighty Dodd!
DT: Dodd’s picking Marx up, and now he’s taunting the Gentleman! He kicks him in the gut and motions to the crowd... I think we’re going to see another D-O-DDT here... but... NO! JA just came in and saved Jonathan Marx by giving Sebastian Dodd a spinning heel kick to the face!
DM: I didn’t know he had it in him! This guy truly has the heart of a champion!
DT: JA back up, one crack to Dodd’s face, two, three, four, five. Dodd’s back into the corner, exhausted. JA charges in and... NO! He just ate turnbuckle there! JA stumbles out and Dodd goes to kick him in the gut but JA blocks it and almost immediately spins Dodd around three hundred sixty degrees! JA kicks Dodd in the gut and grabs him, spins him around and...
DM: KARELIN DRIVER! KARELIN DRIVER! Full force too! I think Dodd’s knocked stone cold out!
DT: JA with the chance to pin and win here...
One...
...two...
NO! Marx breaks up the pin with a fist to JA’s back and now he’s got him in the MARXISM! MARXISM! That STF! JA has nowhere to go.
DM: The Gentleman is gonna get his belt back, and there’s no Dodd to save JA now!
MN: Crap! Get up Dodd! Get up!
DM: What, to save JA?
MN: No, to kick the crap out of both of them and win the match!
DT: JA is flailing, and he’s inching closer to the ropes. Can he get there? He’s slowly dragging Marx to the ropes! JA reaches... NO! He can’t reach! He stretches his arm back out...
DM: Marx has got that thing cinched in! He’s stretching like a madman!
DT: JA reaching his arm out... he’s stretching, he’s stretching...
MN: NO! Tap JA! Tap! IF Dodd can’t win, then Marx had better!
DT: JA’s got his arm in the air... is he gonna reach the ropes or is he gonna tap... he... REACHES THE ROPES! JA IS IN THE ROPES!
MN: I can’t friggin believe it! But how much does the Anglo Luchador have left in his tank?
DT: Who knows? This match has been among the most intense straight up wrestling matches I’ve ever seen in my life. Marx back to his feet, visibly frustrated! He grabs JA and whips him into the turnbuckle. Marx heads over and puts JA on the top rope.
DM: I think we’re going to see that super DDT he used to finish off Troy Douglas a few weeks back!
DT: Marx climbs up and puts JA in the front facelock but... NO! JA just landed one, two, three shots to Marx’s kidneys! Marx is wobbly and... JA SHOVED HIM FROM THE TOP ROPES!
DM: Is he thinking aerial move?
DT: JA’s just standing there. I think the missed frogsplash and missile dropkick from earlier are in his head right now. And... JA’s descending from the top. He grabs Marx and picks him up, but Marx lands a blow to JA’s head!
DM: Oh man, how much fight is left in both these guys?
MN: Too much...
DT: Marx goes for another right hand, but JA blocks it and kicks low in Marx’s gut. He grabs Marx and....
DM: KARELIN DRIVER! ANOTHER KARELIN DRIVER!
DT: JA covers....
One...
...two...
...THREE!
[SFX: *ding ding ding*]
Tony Fatora: Here is your winner, and STILL EMPIRE PRO INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION...
JAAAAAAAAY-AAAAAAYEEE!
DT: JA has done it! He’s legitimized his claim to the Intercontinental Championship, but he had to fight a war to do it!
DM: That’s an understatement, Dave. Both Jonathan Marx and Sebastian Dodd brought their A-games tonight and all three men had me whoaing like Keanu Reeves over here.
MN: Bah, the best moment is yet to come.
DM: What’s that?
MN: When JA’s victory is overturned due to steroid abuse and blood doping.
DT: Oh will you give it a rest?
MN: No, I wo...
DT: Wait, what’s that?
DM: Looks like Priest just hopped over the rail here.
DT: He’s heading into the ring. I don’t like the looks of this.
MN: Aw, come on. Priest kept his word. He didn’t interfere in the match.
DT: JA finally to his feet with his belt now around his waist. And he sees Priest, and if looks could kill.
DM: Uh-oh.
DT: Priest just stands there and... he extends his hand.
DM: Wow, looks like JA was expecting something different.
MN: See? I told you Priest was good people.
DT: Well JA shakes his hand... this is strange. Priest is pointing at JA who has the Eye-See title around his waist and now he’s out of the ring. Well, that was much ado over nothing.
MN: That was just JA’s biggest fan giving him props.
DM: Whatever. I think there’s more than what meets the eye here.
DT: Anyway, JA’s out and we can prepare for our next match - and that's our main event of the evening! It's next!
[As Sebastian Dodd gets up and begins to slink up the ramp, he passes Adam Benjamin, who smiles at him and spreads his arms in a 'what happened?' gesture. Dodd glares at him, then returns to the back to lick his wounds.]