View Full Version : CSWA Update-- New G'Boro Champ!

02-22-02, 01:20 AM
(CUT TO: A newsdesk setup, with longtime CSWA personality RUDY SEITZER sitting behind it. A graphic on the upper left of the screen shows a facial shot of Shane Southern split-screened with JJ DeVille, the Greensboro Title underneath under both of them.)

RUDY: Folks... I come here tonight the bearer of bad news. As some of you may have seen earlier in the day, the man known as JJ DeVille, the so-called Original King of Cool, announced that he has brought a lawsuit against the current CSWA Greensboro champion Shane Southern. Roll the tape, Ventolo--

(CUT TO: A shot of JJ inside CSWA Headquarters.)

JJ: I have just filed a conjunction with the CSWA league brass about your title reign, Shane. It just so happens that you are in violation of a little-known CSWA bylaw that states that the CSWA Greensboro Champion... MUST BE FROM GREENSBORO! And you, my friend, are from that hick town NEW ORLEANS-- which isn't even in America, I don't think!

(CUT TO: Seitzer, back at the booth.)

RUDY: This nuisance, this pest JJ DeVille... who has made a career by stoodging for "The Hurricane" Eddy Love, by being Eddy Love's personal assistant, has filed suits a few times already. Most go ignored by league officials, some CSWA officials simply rule "no" on. But tonight... (Rudy shaking his head in disbelief.) Tonight we had a ruling. From Teri Melton-- the so-called American Woman-- who, we have found out, has been granted legislative powers by owner-slash-commissioner Chad Merrit! Just role the tape... this makes me sick.

(CUT TO: TERI MELTON, in her prom dress, slinked behind a mahagony desk, smirking.)

TERI: Well well well... it looks like a LOT of people have just been taught a very valuble lesson. And that lesson, boys and girls, is simple... Teri Melton ALWAYS gets what she wants. ALWAYS. I didn't want Stanley. I didn't want Hornet. I wanted POWER... and now I HAVE IT... Chad gave it to me... (Teri pouts her lips.) And I give him... (Teri laughs, blows a kiss to the camera, licks her lips.) something else. Now, for all you people out there... for all the little pigs who call themselves CSWA fans... and to all the slobs in the locker room on our roster... who DOUBTED Teri Melton, who DOUBTER MIZZ America, who DOUBTED that I AM THE ALPHA FEMALE... keep this in mind for the rest of your lives. *I* now make the decisions here. *I* now run the show here. And *I* am in control.

(Teri stands up and places something on the desk-- the CSWA Greensboro Title. She massages it and smiles.)

TERI: For the past few weeks, a certain little NOBODY has come out, time and time again, and said that he wants to CHANGE things here in the CSWA... that he wants to MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Yes, Shane Southern-- I am talking to you. What you SHOULD do is go to bed thankful that you are on the roster of the greatest wrestling promotion of all time. You SHOULD go to bed thankful that Chad Merrit endorses your checks. What you SHOULD NOT be doing is sticking your nose into issues that are of no concern to you. It's one thing when a STAR like Guns, Hornet, Randalls or Evan Aho makes mention of office policies... but it's something else ALL-TOGETHER when a preliminary wrestler fresh out of wrestling school such as YOURSELF makes mention of CSWA administration.

(At that point, a smirking JJ DeVille-- still clad in his Gosford Park outfit-- comes out from the back, doing the Fargo Strut. Teri clears her throat and picks up some papers.)

TERI: Earlier today, James Justice Juventud DeVille... better known to the unwashed as JJ DeVille, a member of the faction known as Playboys Incorporated, filed a suit in our office pertaining to CSWA Bylaw Code 4:14:23-(9), entitled Greensboro Title rules. Mister DeVille claimed that Shane Southern, the current Greensboro Champion, should be stripped of his title, being that he is not a resident of Greensboro, North Carolina. And it is true-- payroll stubs inform us of Shane Southern's mailing address, which is on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. (JJ starts gesturing to the camera.) While we have not enforced Bylaw Code 4:13:23-(9) in over ten years, it is true that it is a law in our rulebook. The Greensboro Champion MUST be a resident of Greensboro, North Carolina.

(JJ can't wait anymore, leaping up and down shreiking.)

TERI: Being recently given administrative powers in the CSWA, and being an executor of our rulebook... it is in MY judgment... (Teri starts rubbing her hands together, smirking.) that Mister DeVille's conjunction IS indeed the correct judgment. I hereby STRIP the CSWA Greensboro Title from Mister Shane Southern... and I hereby CROWN the new Greensboro Champion, who shall be the current highest ranked wrestler who lives within city limits.

JJ: Teri, woops, I mean Mizz Melton... I filed the paperwork today! Eddy gave me some money, and I'm renting a studio here in Greensboro! 4 Wildberry Court, that's the address! I live here! In Greensboro! (JJ starts hopping up and down like a maniac.)

TERI: And that person is James Justic Juventud DeVille... known to the masses as JJ DeVille! Congratulations... CHAMP! (Teri hands JJ the title. JJ grabs it, crying, falling to his knees, kissing the title.)

JJ: I can't believe it! I can't believe it! I'm the champ! I'm the champ! I'm the champ of Greensboro! (Teri helps JJ get the title around his waist.) I could not have done it without YOUR support! I will be the best champion of Greensboro's history. (JJ blowing kisses at the camera.) Thank you for your judgment, Mizz Melton... I know, I know, that is indeed your real name... I will always remember this and I will always make sure that noid avoids you...

(CUT TO: SEITZER, back at the desk.)

SEITZER: There you have it, folks. We have a NEW Greensboro Champion in JJ DeVille, the most undeserving champion in this sport's history. We HAVE learned though that some in the Board of Directors... namely one Mister Steve Thomas, have managed to have the controversial Greensboro Residency code already written out of the books... JJ DeVille IS the champion, but the title will once again be determined on traditional standards. And we have also confirmed that Shane Southern, the RIGHTFUL champion in this commentator's eye, will be facing JJ in San Diego for a rematch. But as it stands now... and I can't believe I'm saying this... JJ DeVille is the Greensboro Champion. Goodnight, folks. (Rudy shakes his head, FTB.)