View Full Version : Masterpiece PRO Theatre

02-22-02, 07:22 PM
FADEIN: A mock rendition set of PBS' Masterpiece Theatre. Sitting in the red velvet chair is 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES. He's wearing a silk black bathrobe, no shoes and yellow-tinted Oakleys. The Masterpiece Theatre music is playing as MILES casually puffs on a Newport cigarette...

MILES (in mock British accent): "Hello and welcome to another edition of Masterpiece PROFESSIONAL Theat-ah. As always, we will present you the finest in theat-ah in a most PROFESSIONAL manner. This week's play 'SIMON and CHRIS Come Together' will begin in just a moment. Of course, this play has been based off every Simply Stunning promo EVER. Enjoy."

quick FTB...the screen comes back on with two hands holding two Teletubbie dolls on a table. The one in the left hand is the pink Teletubbie and has 'C' scrawled on its belly, in the right hand is the purple teletubbie with 'S' scrawled on its belly...the voice being used is obviously MILES' now in a mock high-pitched girly/British tone...

CHRIS (while hopping): "SIMON! SIMON! Guess what I just saw?"
SIMON: "I don't know Chris, I hope it was the two construction workers outside our shanty little love shack!"
CHRIS: "No Simon! I just saw those nasty, big, mean men the Professionals do some really bad things to our idols the CS Express!"
SIMON: "Oh no! It wasn't the Gay Pride float was it? It was my dream to take my picture next to it one day..."
CHRIS: "For shame, for shame my pat on the but buddy. What ever should we do about this? For obviously the PEE-ARE-OHs are much too tough, strong and smart for little wee men like ourselves!"
SIMON: "But Chris as long as I stand behind you and we thrust together nothing can stop us from reaching our ultimate goal!"
CHRIS: "Yes Simon, we must come together in order to defeat these monsters of society!"
SIMON: "Yes coming together is exactly what we should do right now! To the Stunning cave!"

(quick FTB...we return with the pink Tubbie dressed in a sailor outfit and little sailor cap and the purple Tubbie with a little police cap, black leather vest and pink hot pants...)

CHRIS: "Whew. Coming together, sure makes me famished Simon."
SIMON: "Would you like to get some meat for your mouth before we go to the clubs?"
CHRIS: "Would I? WOULD I EVER? Simon, do you really think going to the clubs dressed like this will prepare us from the bloody beating we will suffer soon?"
SIMON: "No, but hopefully the CS Express will find them stylish!"
CHRIS: "Oh Simon, its so horrible what happened to them. Do you think they will really get over this?"
SIMON: "I don't know my little Chrissy. They've held it together for quite some time and mounted over tighter situations than this. Its why I love them sooooo much!"

All of a sudden the Teletubbies are dropped on the table. A hand disappears and reappears with a cigarette and its stuck right into the purple Tubbie...the camera fades back showing MILES in his Masterpiece Theatre oufit.

MILES (normal voice): "I'm sorry folks, I really am. I just can't go through with it. Re-enacting these promos is a sicker job than I realized. I mean let's face it, when you're a PROFESSIONAL such as I - it's just too hard to be boring, un-over, a waste of life. Y'know? Just like SIMPLY STUNNING? But don't you worry fans, in just 6 days live on CSWA PRIMETIME, Eddie Mayfield and Craig Miles will end the most dreadful, horrid era of Tag Team Wrestling. We shall ERADICATE, OBLITERATE and certainly DEVASTATE any last remnant of the putrid, foul stench that Simply Stunning has left on the collective noses of every true CSWA MARK. (MILES picks up the Tubbies) Six days folks, don't miss the MUST-SEE-TV event of the year as 'HOT PROPERTY' and the 'COCKY' one provide the CSWA fans with the greatest gift imaginable... (MILES rips the head off the tubbies and throws 'em in the trash) I ain't talkin' just about pinnin' these queers. We're talkin' bleeding 'em dry, breakin' some bones and most of all... (MILES lights a cigarette) doin' it PEE-ARE-OH COOL."

(The spotlight fades out on MILES smoking the cig as the Masterpiece Theatre Music plays...FTB)