View Full Version : The NFW EAST

03-12-04, 03:34 AM
((FADEIN: A large crowd of papal folk, cardinals and priests, deacons and bishops, in suits and jackets, each with a priestly collar. Several have ornamated canes, others with rosaries and crucifixes. All sit in an area of folding chairs. In front, a large screen with a conference table. MEL GIBSON, looking haggard and his hair slicked back, stands at the front, in a black leather jacket and jeans. On his shirt is a name tag reading "MEL GIBSON.))

GIBSON: I'd like to thank you all for being here to see this special preview to the sequel of the year's mostt controversial, but spiritual film, The Passion of the Christ , tentatively titled The Homies of the Christ.

((A large cardinal in red stands, his fingers adorning with rings and he holds a mighty cane in his hand.))

CARDINAL: Mister Gibson, I believe you're mistaken as the programs and the literature provided have named this The Homilies of the Christ.

GIBSON: I assure you, Father, it is "Homies", bt it doesn't really matter since this is just a tentative title and subject to many revisions. But I thank you for standing in for the addled Holy Father. I hope he'll be most proud.

((The cardinal nods, kisses the crucifix hanging around his neck, then takes his seat.))

GIBSON: Now gentlemen, holy fathers..imagine that our Lord has come again..this time embodied as postmodern hip rapper in downtown New York City. Gentlemen....I give you....The Homies of the Christ.

((GIBSON mouths "let's roll" and quickly moves out of the way as the pictures starts counting down........))

((FADEIN: An afro-weave wearing young african-american in an LA LAKERS jersey and baggy Levi's struts on down to the head of a table. All around, the 12 Homies sit, some shirtless, their underwear shamelessly hanging out of their pants, some bald, others polishing their guns. The one in the jersey sits down, with a bucket of KFC chicken. He holds up a drumstick.))

JESSE: Yo, yo, posse....word up...this here is my drumstick, this is my chicken, bi-atch.....pass it on down..y'all take a bite like its my body....

((JESSE passes the drumstick down as each homie takes a bite, some even without teeth, some with silver and gold teeth, for it is a miracle.))

JESSE(holding up a JUMBO CUP of COCA-COLA: Check this, this fly s**T be like mah blood....drink it all down there...

((JESSE passes the cup around as JUDE slaps down the hand of MOTHER PETE and takes a sip.))

JUDE: Don't be a bi-atch..share it all down...word this be the Lord's

((He glances at JESSE, their glares lock.))

JUDE(holding up fingers): Yo, Word 4 Life?

((FADEOUT. The loghts are raised and MEL GIBSON returns, looking eager and pensive. The papal section is agast, screaming, crying.))

"What is this blasphemy?"

"You dare deface the Lord?"

"What kind of man are you?"

"This is worse than that Jew thing."

GIBSON: Now, now, there are many, many interpretations of the scriptures. We must adapt for these, our times. I believe this version of Gospel may appeal to that inner-city demographic we have lost in recent years.


"You cannot do this!"

"You are horrible, horrible!"

"So are you doing another Mad Max?"

((The old cardinal stares, then stands, pointing his cane.))

CARDINAL: HOLD ON! HOLD ON! (CROWD HUSHS). I feel I must inform you my brothers...that man there..that man is an imposter. ......THAT'S NOT MEL GIBSON!!!!!!

FAKE GIBSON(smirks and rubs his chin): What gave me away?

CARDINAL: Need I say? You lack that Austrailian charm and the romantic good looks that made me excited to see Braveheart . I demand you reveal yourself.

((The FAKE MEL GIBSON nods, then tears off his name tag to reveal.....MICHAEL MANSON, that DEMONIC JOHNNY CARSON, FORMER NFW COMMISSIONER, ULTRATITLE COMPETITOR, and PEZ MANIAC. The crowd hushs and some speak out.))

"The adversity has revealed himself."

"He has taken this form in the past."

"Loved that thing with Bueno."

"You...you were in the 700 Club."

((MICHAEL MANSON takes his DRACULA pez dispenser out and takes a hit before climbing onto the conference table, sitting India style.))

MANSON: Yes, I realize I lured you all here under false pretenses. But what I have to say is quite important and concerns the future of the NFW season.

((The priests murmur.))

"Oh, then it's all right."

"I so like that young Jonathan Marx, he reminds me of an altar boy I knew."

"Shane Southern is an infidel divorcee."

((MANSON clears his throat.))

MANSON: The cameras are rolling...the attention of the world is on me....so allow me to introduce myself MICHAEL MANSON..and all of you...((waves fingers))..to the first official press conference of the NFW EAST..

((Behind on the screen, the NFW EAST logo displays itself, a pirate flag with horns and fangs, in dripping blackish red letters across the top it reads "THE NFW EAST". Underneath, in smaller print, reads "A Castor Strife Venture".))

((The priests applaud.))

MANSON: And without further ado, allow me to present the board of the NFW EAST......the directors and officials....Luchador legend BUENO EXCELLENTE.....LANA DEMURE...and of course..conference chairman and sponsor.....known the world wide for his male-on-male erotica...CASTOR STRIFE...

((BUENO EXCELLENTE enters from the right, wearing the mask of EL PUTA and a t-shirt with a printed tie and dress shirt on it, stained and tight across his male breasts. LANA enters in a pin-striped business suit, short-cut, ending just at her ass, wearing a gas mask. CASTOR STRIFE enters, similiarly in a pin-striped business seat with his own gas mask. They all take seats.))

MANSON: I should not fail to mention BENJAMIN, who is even as we speak, on a quest to find his parentage and whether or he is fit to be EL PUTA, but he is here in spirit and in the meantime, BUENO proudly bears the mantle for him.

MANSON(amidst flashing bulbs): Now to make clear, while I am a founder and certainly my creative spirit is apparent, I am no more involved in the decision-making process of the Eastern conference than any other competitor that has or will sign. We all get a say, my friends. But I will make clear that I am the first active participant in the NFW EASTERN CONFERENCE and all my points will transfer over. MISTER STRIFE, at this time, has not decied whether or not he will be active as a competitor, but should that decision and time come, the board of directors will confer on it.

I speak to you all now, as the spokesman for the NFW EAST. I realize that there are those of you out there who say I've gone too far, that I've betrayed the NFW. That I'm mad. That I will end up destroying the NFW and myself.

And, of course, you're all probably right.

That, however, is not the reason we are here today. No, there is quite another reason. As many of the NFW faithful out there will remember, I once served as the commissioner of this, the NFW, during a time when CRAIG MILES and QUENTIN SULLIVAN felt that the promotion itself was not a safe place to be and needed a stronger, iron hand to guide it. Said hand, 'twas I.

Despite what people expected, I contained the Anti-Terrorism Coalition of BLOODHUNT and ARMANDO MONTEZUMA, I myself presented SHANE SOUTHERN with the NFW title. NFW FUTURESHOCK was as much a work of my craft as MILES or SULLIVAN's. And I also helped draw up the foundations of the new NFW before my commissionership position was removed and I returned to full-time competition.

I look at the NFW, both NORTH and SOUTH, and see not the bold new world I had intended. Deflections and no-shows left and right. Wrestlers actually unionizing and others constantly complaining, as if they were held at gunpoint to sign those lucrative NFW contracts.

CRAIG MILES is gone, he promised to return, but you never know. QUENTIN SULLIVAN is under siege for things he did years ago. The NFW NORTH has been taken over and comprised by a group of ill-minded thugs with grudges who want to just destroy the ULTRATITLE and everything the NFW has done and ever will do because AVERY PROSSER, a small man who lives in a smaller world, cannot get over the fact that he was never good enough.

The NFW SOUTH is run by one CALVIN CARLTON, a man who has never emerged from his mother's shadow and should have never emerged from her womb. This man blatantly plays favorites, stacking odds, and seems to have the sole purpose of not defining the NFW SOUTH as its own entity but as the CSWA II. The amount of no-shows and shamefully produce contests that took up the first half of the NFW season prove that this is not a man to guide the NFW to the future. With HORNET, SHANE SOUTHERN, and CHRIS MCMILLAN and others, there is no excuse for next week to be the **long-awaited** return to the South.

Both conferences have been corrupted and I have seen all my work gone to rot. As commissioner, as a wrestler, everything that I have made is going to waste. Ther entire world wanted to see MIKE MANSON versus SHANE SOUTHERN and when we faced off in the WarGames the dead rose from their graves to watch. Yet, it is DC STRATTON, a young child I have constantly slapped about, gets the attention by attempting to destroy the WarGames participants with an explosion to please his new masters, the 7 DEADLY SINS, like a pawning dog.

But that is not enough.

This week alone, the 7 DEADLY SINS interfered in all NFW NORTH matches except mine, for I had the gift of foresight. These men, men who have never stepped into a NFW ring before the past month, want to usurp and end what I helped create, what I want to win, the tool by which I would become the determinant of all those in this industry. THE ULTRATITLE.

CALVIN CARLTON continues to try to live out all his adolescent dreams vicariously through JOEY MELTON and EDDY LOVE. His conference has been in shambles for weeks on end and this is a man who turned on his own people at the WarGames. Instead of inspiration, he resorted to pathetic power games. He is ill-equipped to deal with AVERY PROSSER or anyone else that should rise out of the NFW NORTH or SOUTH in the forecoming battle for the ULTRATITLE.

I will not allow the ULTRATITLE to be destroyed. I will not allow it to be placed in the hands of a mother's abortion or his middle-aged disgrace of a childhood hero. I helped build the NFW, the ULTRATITLE...

What I make is what I am.

Faced with this, I then used my newly-restored commissioner powers to secede into my conference. CASTOR STRIFE, of course, will sponsor all NFW EAST contests with his film company, said matches will take place in a yet-to-disclosed location. You might be wondering if his films makes enough moeny to sponsor a conference. Gentlemen, I like to let actions speak for themselves..and so...I believe..we...have a clip?

((MANSON looks to CASTOR who gives him the thumbs up.))

Yes, indeed, now, a side note. MISTER STRIFE believes the Roman Catholic Church has defiled the universal aesthetic sense for the past 1,000 years and has set back postmodern civilized thought and philosophy for even longer. He blames you, gentlemen, for the devolution of moral belief and consciousness, and for taking his beloved altar boys out of the film industry and back into the church.

He and his companion, the lovely LANA DEMURE, do not wish to share the same air as you foul parasites do, and such, his films are a one-way medium and we will not bother to hear any feedback from any of you. Likewise, the doors have all been locked and don't let me catch you trying to close those eyes...with that said...let's watch a clip from CASTOR's latest.."The Schoolgirl"....

((CUTTO: A small Britney Spears-esque schoolgirl, her skirt cut low and her top buttons undone, showing a white bra underneath. She straddles the top of a desk, licking her lips.))

GIRL: But Mister Chamberlain, I just don't understand why I can't play during class.....you don't think I need to be..disciplined, do you?

((PAN TO: STLT CHAMBERLAIN, a large black man in a business suit standing at the blackboard with a large, thick Italian sauage of a chalk, shaking his head.))

STILT: Young lady, you will be learn advanced algebra if I have to force it down....down on you.

GIRL: But siiirrrrrrrr......my mommy thinks I should be home soon..I'll get such a spanking....

STILT(glaring): I have half a mind...


V/O: Anybody order a pizza?

((SHAQ ASSDADDY, another large black man, steps in dressed as a Domino's Pizza boy with a large pepperoni in its carton above him on his hand.))

SHAQ: Somebody order a pizza?

((The girl shyly raises her hand.))

GIRL: I was so..so...so very hungry..but I just don't known how I'll pay for that pizza....(licks her lips)

STILT: Miss, you'll be paying out the ass for this one.

((SHAQ places the pizza down on the desk and puts his hand softly on STILT's arm.))

SHAQ: Hey, do you want a slice?


((CUTTO: MICHAEL MANSON standing, now in front of the renewed NFW EAST logo, CASTOR and LANA nodding in approval, BUENO off-stage, making gruntings and groanings.))

MANSON: Look at that and tell me there's no money to be made. Incidentally, that brings me to our next point. AVERY PROSSER has made implications that the NFW displayed a racist attitude and often held down the african-american. I assure you all whatever the past, that the NFW EAST will be open to all races, genders, and paths of life. Especially the african-american, without them, CASTOR could never shoot a single film.

And while CASTOR is always on the look-out for new talent.....he also wants some NFW EAST recruits..he made undress and size you up with his eyes..he made ask you to measure upyour size with your fingers...he might watch you while you urinate or send in LANA to do it..he want you for his latest film..but he also wants you for the NFW EAST.

If you're out wanting to get into the NFW...we'll take you.

If you've been hanging around the NFW and want in, we'll take you.

If you're in another conference, we'll transfer all your points over and take you.

If you want to be in more than one conference, we'll take you.

You want to wear a mask? Great. Code of honor? We'll work something out, needless to say, we'll have a more relaxed disciplinary system around these parts.

Do you want to be a woman? Fine. Are you already a woman? Even better. You only want to work on Thursday? Climb aboard.

We'll take anyone, everyone....JEAN RABESQUE to DAN RYAN...we'll take you under assumed names and with multiple personalities....You want more points? Well, we might give them to you. We'll let you wrestle, brawl, light fires..whatever you want.

We here at the NFW EAST are the People's Conference.

All we ask is that you do not associate with AVERY PROSSER and CALVIN CARLTON. In fact, we write that into your contracts so that if you violate it you lose your immortal soul and a lot more.

We, at the NFW EAST, want the ULTRATITLE. We want the conference that should make the NFW the NFW everyone wnats it to be. With all our available talent signed, we'll work out a philosophy and mission statement together.

There will be no corrupt figureheads or leaders. It's revolution, my friends.

We'll preserve the ULTRATITLE by any means. Isolation, guerilla war....whatever works. When we get ot the playoffs, we'll win. And should PROSSER have destroyed the ULTRATITLE by then, we'll make our own.

It won't be corrupted, it won't be annihilated. You win it for the EAST, you win it just the way you want it.

QUENTIN SULLIVAN may limit our playoff spots or take whatever actions, but we don't expect to be that large. If you are that good, that great, if you are truly NFW ULTRATITLE material, it won't matter, you'll rise.

I won't lie to you I fully expect to win it myself and I'm forming this as conference as my platform. But that doesn't mean you can't try. You were anyways.

But now the choice is, do you want to trust me, who was the commissioner during the NFW's greatest hours, and CASTOR STRIFE, a strange one to be sure, but he's always upfront, or CARLTON or PROSSER?

I'll give you further incentive. Should none of you join, I'll be forced to wrestle myself each and every week, thus racking up the points and winning homefield advantage and beocming nigh-unstoppable. It'll be MICHAEL MANSON at 248364343554 points to your 110. And in my home, my conference's secret, undisclosed, hidden location..where I set the rules and tempo.

But I'm offering you the chance to get in on the ground floor. You might ask why I even bother to help with recruiting, but I know, that there's no point to winning without adversity, without the challenge, without the fact that I have overcome the best in the world and proven that I am, without question or discord, the dominant figure in this company and the wrestling world.

It's up to all of you now. I'm going, building momentum. Stand in my way at your own peril. We at the NFW EAST will not tolerate interference ftom other factions and conferences and will even take legal action to prevent it.

Speaking of which, should any of you want to unionize, despite my communist beliefs, that is fine as well.

It's down to you now, all of you. I've forgiven you all. As always, I'm just doing what needs to be done. To save you, the NFW, and that ULTRATITLE.

Do what you need to. I have.

((All the priests and clergy raise to their feet, some supported by canes and each other. They applaud and applaud.))

MANSON: Now, now......you all can contact CASTOR or myself..you know where to find us....please..please settle down...

((The clergy are on their seats, pounding and tapping with their canes.))




MANSON(standing dead center in the room): Now given our sponsor's distaste for you, let me close by saying that for the past 5 minutes the cameras have been operated by automation while their handlers fled. Tear gas, which I happen to be oddly immune to naturally, will be spread through the air ducts within moments. Don't worry, CASTOR and LANA have their masks and will be fine. I'll take care of BUENO. And yes, we'll be closing the doors behind us. Good day.