View Full Version : Eddy on Eddy

02-09-04, 03:00 AM
(In the media room of Eddy Love’s palatial estate. The view starts out of the west window where the Blue Ridge Mountains still show the hint of a snow cap and a few boats dot Lake Hartwell below. It is here where Eddy centers out of during his times of training close to both his personal on site gym and to the Gym in downtown Seneca where Eddy and sometimes his acquaintances will train. The room is adorned with wrestling paraphernalia everywhere you look and often something on these walls will pertain to the very thing Eddy talks about on camera, today’s interview will be no exception. Three men in NFW logo emblazoned polo shirts are setting up for an interview not yet started. Eddy is audible, but not visible in one of those Fantasy Wrestling moments when you have camera eyes even before the camera rolls.)

LOVE: So it takes 3 of you monkeys to come up and film an interview, and tell me who you are.

NFW MAN: I explained to you once, *Eddy*. I am Steve in charge of quality control. It is my job to see this comes off like management wants it. Bob, here (Bob smiles and waves at the camera presumably to Love) is my intern from NY State. Jerry runs the camera.

LOVE: Well guys, I’ve got to be in the gym in 25 minutes to meet Kin Hiroshi for a sparring session so this set up can’t take long.

(Steve starts towards the camera handing to Love who is off camera what looks like about three pages of paper. A hand takes the papers.)

STEVE: Well the most time consuming thing is for you to go over this.

LOVE: (clear he is skimming aloud) Deacon…. Yadda yadda ….. Shane Southern, Avery Prosser’s North…. So on so on…… Joey’s big decision. Soooo what is this.

STEVE: This is an outline of what NFW productions expects you to hit. See we feel making sure the wrestlers are in line with the marketing department when it comes to selling *our product*. If you’ll look there on the top of page 1 it explains what this outline means and what line items deserve the most …..

LOVE: (interrupting) Miles sent you with this? You take these to all the wrestlers?

STEVE: Well this is a fairly new process and most wrestlers have been with the production long enough that to give them outlines would seem a bit…..

(Interrupted again this time the papers hit him in the chest as Love speaks.)

LOVE: You can either take those papers and wipe your little candy ass with them and take them back to Miles or I can wipe Bob here’s fanny with you. You can run this shoot can’t ya, Bob?

(Bob nods. Steve stands defiantly, then looks shaken as Love approaches, he scampers off as Love firmly says to roll the camera.)

STEVE: I’ll wait in the van.

( The camera rolls with Love standing in front of the window mentioned earlier wearing a knee length burnt red silk robe with black lapel , black sash and black EL emblazoned on the left breast. Love’s long flowing well sprayed hair flows over the robes shoulders. Love picks up a bottle of Dom Perignon and pours a hardy serving into a crystal flute smirking at the camera as he sips and strolls.)

For those of you unfamiliar with (puts left hand on chest) Myself, I am…… (raises glass in toast) Eddy Love. I am employed by the South division of the, let me see if I can say it like you guys, ENNN EFFF DUBYA and I am what professional wrestling was all about yesterday, is about today and what they’ll be talkin’ about for whole lot of tomorrows. Now let me say right up front that I am a little embarrassed although flattered, I did think my employer and close personal friend Calvin Carleton got a little carried away when he set off so many firecrackers at the event of unmasking the Highwayman that the whole ring came crashing down. Thank God no one was hurt and let me give you my word that in the future I have explained to Mr. Carleton that no matter how *large* a celebration he thinks my arrival is, we must not put my coworkers in harms way.

But after the cage came down let’s talk about how the real fire works started. (sips) Home field advantage….. As much as Adrian Prosser would like to steal the show, as much as Chris Shepherd would like to sermon us to sleep, as much as I’d like to see him try where I can reach him….. Home field advantage for Mr. Carleton’s South was really all there was on the line and now he’s…… no, no *We’ve* got it. When Mr. Carleton said to me, E-Lo, That’s what he calls me, E-lo, He said E-lo my momma says I’ve just got to win that Ultra-Title or she’s not gonna be happy. So I knew we needed home field advantage and I knew how to get it.

(Love sips from his flute then sits it on the bar, and slowly nods head yes)

So I watched as backstabbing scum like that damn Hornet, Jean the Rabbit, and pfffff Southern Heartthrob Shane Southern kept trying to put there own agenda in front of Mr. Carleton’s and kept having to be saved by my besssssst friend Joey Melton right before they tapped out. Then I knew that I must put myself in harms way to keep those North Cheaters and that mute freak who doesn’t even know what side he’s on, at bay so that your next Ultra-Title Champion Joey Melton could get any one member of the North team one on one for any length of time. And just as I scripted while I beat up Shane Southern, Chris Shepherd, Seven Foot of boredom, that Damn Hornet and the entire North …… Joey Melton beat the Federation Formerly known as the CSWA’s champion Dan Ryans until he quit like the man that he is.

What was great about this moment for Eddy Love??? I got to bust the false prophecies of Chris Shepherd and his seven foot mute freak before they even passed the collection plate once in the NFW. I won that home field advantage and in doing so I secured the friendship of the only truly great wrestler the NFW has ever known, Joey Melton. So America looks on at Eddy Love and says where do we go Eddy??

I hear whispers about Joey Melton’s big decision….. And Joey Melton does have some big decisions. (Love strolls across the room to a wall adorned with many 2 foot by 2 foot wrestling snapshots)

He has to decide whether he wants fries with that…… he must come to a decision on when Eddy Love comes in with a bevy of babes does he want the blonde and the oriental or the red head and the brunette…….. And most toughest of all he must choose whether to strap that gold around his waste or drape it across his shoulder when Calvin Carleton hands him the Ultra Title. But if people think that, *MY PAL* Joey is struggling with whether he wants to run with Eddy Love or not they are sadly mistaken. What’s he going to do choose to hang with that Damn Hornet, a man who finds just enough time between cell phone calls and trips to the airport to try and steal all the glory, all the money and date only close friends wives and girlfriends.

(Love motions the cameras to three photos. The first one is a picture of a bloodied Love in red tights with white sequins and a playboy bunny on the leg holding Apacolypse as Troy Windham plants a textbook drop kick while wearing the same tights. The second is a picture of Love with a group of about 14 wrestlers holding up the EWI title in front of a Super Sports Network banner. The last shows 3 wrestlers, on the far left a smiling Kevin Powers holding the CSWA Intercontental belt above his head, in the center is Love wearing an Armani suit with the CSWA World Title as an accessory, and on the right is a smaller wrestler with his hand on Eddy’s shoulder but the face has been computer altered to be that of Ronald Mcdonald apparently it was Steve Radder)

OR is he going to make that tough choice to run with a man who makes common clowns shine like stars and makes superstars glow like blinding super novas. No man who has stood by Eddy Love’s side has ever known greater glory than when they are with me.

Do I think Joey Melton could win the Ultra Title without me?? Absolutely, when Mr. Carleton showed me who we had to work with and I saw Joey Melton I couldn’t hold back the smile because the rest of this league pales in his presence. Joey Melton is too talented not to win the Ultra Title and much too wise to pass an opportunity to call Eddy Love friend.

So now that that’s taken care of let’s let Eddy Love call a few names, and let’s start with ……

(Love stops and finishes the champagne, makes his way back to the bar and pours another glass while sitting on an iron stool with 1 leg still on the ground)

Lindsey Troy because (Love does Rick Springfield immitation) SHE’S MY BEST FRIENDS GIRL,SHE’S MY BEST FRIENDS GIRL

Lindz, honey, I don’t know why your talkin’ hard to Hurricane Eddy, no one thinks there is a place for every woman more than me……. The ugly ones can make the bed and the really beautiful ones get to rub my back for fifteen minutes and sleep beside it. I’ve got no problem with you, sugar, no matter what my boss says. BUT Lindz, darling, let me explain if you or that Yankee Scum Dan Ryans get (holds index and thumb close together) even that close to putting my pal Joey Melton in a compromising situation then you’ll be singing “That’s no way to treat a lady”. So Miss Troy, you can have some unkind words with me whenever you want…… I kinda like a sassy chick, just make sure when Joey Melton laces those boots you and I are on the same page.

Adrian Prosser, I heard the words of my boss, Mr. Carleton and while he is a great man, I felt a little on the wrong side of this argument. No one respects and understands Negro America more than Eddy Love. Eddy Love has a Harlem pass on the darkest streets of Greenville, South Carolina. I give to the United Negro College Fund. I will not allow this North verses South thing to have history be rewritten to be a racial struggle like the Yankees rewrote the history books in the War of Northern Aggression. This is man vs. man, not race vs. race and while Adrian your side will ultimately suffer final defeat just like the one you tasted at War Games don’t think it’s a race thing. Eddy Love loves negros….. I wouldn’t think of allowing a white man to shine the chrome on my Bentley, or clean my pool…… and I loathe the day our Government relaxed our borders and let those workaholic Mexicans come in and steal all your people’s good jobs. So get you boys some white trash girls, a cold 40 ounce and some really big chains on that extra income you get with the raise NFW gets when those Eddy Love ratings hit…….. Just don’t think it’s a white thing when I crack open your colored skulls, cause *my brother* it’s just Eddy Being Eddy.

Then I have the new Prodigal Son of the South…… who comes out on TV after I beat him up on the All Star show and says when I finish with Deacon to save him some time. Well Mr. Southern…. If you’ll check my history then you’d know that All Star night was no fluke and Eddy Love is fully capable of shutting down The Shepherd Evangelical tent, while guaranteeing the Ultra Title for Joey Melton and still have time to wash behind the ears of any poor man trying to do a Fog Horn Leg Horn imitating Eddy Love routine. You’re a hack Southern, and just cause you started here don’t give you the right to even whisper the name of the Southern Dandy Eddy Love. So my advice to you Shane is keep your mind on beating the North and don’t mention my name, cause if it happens again boy……. One way or another I’m gonna gitchya, giychya, gitchya .

On to my oldest nemesis The Freakin’ Deacon…… a man who is too dumb to think for himself and he stands in front of a coward and a menace to religious society. While Eddy Love leads by example and holds himself up as a paradigm of morality for the entire world to see, Chris Shepherd allows another man to fight his battles while preaching the evils of fun and fame. Shepherd finds the largest, most naive goof ball on the planet and stands behind preaching the word according to Chris. Problem is for 6 years now one man has whipped his seven foot puppet and showed this proverbial emperor has no clothes. I mean it’s hard to hate the big man…. The fighting version of Radio (Love does a immitation of a challenged learner) Praise Jesus (back to normal) but the sport is not large enough for me and the man who pulls his strings, so Big Man let me put you on notice, I will hurt Chris Shepherd real bad and if I have to snap your neck to do it well then we’ll have a seven foot mute quadriplegic.

I am Eddy Love……. The Southern Dandy…… Hurricane Eddy……. The Blue Ridge Bomber, if you will and Calvin Carleton has brought me to NFW to make sure the title goes South where all good things flow. In return Mr. Carleton promised me the chance to quiet Chris Shepherd forever and I will not miss this opportunity. I am Eddy Love. No man can stop me, no woman wants to. I am Hurricane Eddy Love. I am the hard working man’s stereotype of success. I’m the ally the South never had in the War of Northern Aggression and I’d LOVE to tell you what I get when I go to the fair, But Calvin’s Momma already knows. So I’ll just say…. Stick around folks it’s gonna be a ride and Calvin’s Momma owns this Bus Driver.
(pumps thumb at chest)