View Full Version : The Tonight Show

07-01-03, 01:47 AM
Featuring Castor V. Strife!

(You're changing the channel from American Gladiators, or whatever, only to catch Jay Leno in the middle of 'The Tonight Show'. Some middle-school girl is mixing chemicals together in test tubes, causing smoke to rise out of them.)

GIRL: And that was boron.


JAY: YIPES! She's blinded me with science! HEH-HEH! Thank you Melissa; that was Melissa Coalridge, the 14 year-old chemistry wizard from New Jersey. Say Melissa, are you the one that's been causing Jersey to smell like an armpit? HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH! Oh, I'm just teasing! But really, you're a very talented young woman and I hope to have you on the show again real soon. In fact, maybe you can peform for us next week, when I have Joey Lawrence on as my guest?

GIRL: I'd like that.

JAY: Boy, Kevin, it doesn't get any better than this. It's always been my comedic dream to be interviewing a new Tony Danza wanna-be every week. I am fulfilled as a human, spiritually. So anyway, go on, get outta here, Melissa, we have our next guest coming out soon; he's a professional wrestler, ladies and gentlemen. Hey Kevin, you ever watch pro wrestling?

KEVIN: Not anymore, Jay. I used to, you know, when I was a kid.

JAY: Oh, I used to be a BIG wrestling fan. Say, who was my favorite again? Oh yeah, the IRON SHEIK! You remember the Iron Sheik, Kevin?

KEVIN: Haha, I guess so, Jay. You do sign my paychecks, afterall.

JAY: I used to know EVERYTHING about wrestling when I was younger. Let's see, there was the Iron Sheik, Sgt. Slaughter, George "The Animal" Steele, Andre The Giant, yeah I just about knew everything there was to know when it came to wrestling. But that was then, and this is now. Hopefully, my next guest can enlighten us a little bit. Would you please welcome, CASTOR V. STRIFE!

(Applause, the band plays, but no one comes out.)

JAY: Say, I think our guest is playing a little joke on us! (Laughs nervously) Drum roll please...would you please welcome to the show, Mr. CASTOR...V...STRIFE!

(No one comes out)

JAY: Castor? Mr. Strife?

(Assistant comes out, holding a note, whispers something into Jay's ear, leaves.)

JAY: Folks, I have some disturbing news. Apparently, Mr. Strife has just left the building, but has also left us with a note as to why. I got a feeling, though, Mr. Strife is playing a little joke on us! Shall we open the note? (Laughs nervously, audience resounds with a 'yes'.)

JAY: Alright, let's see here..."In the name of Art, Mr. Leno, I declare you mediocre. You really think I'd show up to be interviewed by the likes of you? (Jay's voice sounds let down) Go hawk snack food on someone else's time, you freak of nature. You're a star without talent, and soon enough you'll be drained from the American bowel. I hope your Nielson ratings choke as a result of my antics. You have been the first casualty of my war on mediocrity, and there will be many more to follow. With the help of a few outstanding individuals, American culture will no longer have to suffer the likes of you, Bon Jovi, Mark Wahlberg, Oprah, Harry Potter, the Olsen Twins, American Idol, another 'curse word' Star Wars movie, and all the rest of the hacks who have assaulted good taste for long enough. I detest you. Goodbye."

(Crumples up note, throws it away)

JAY: Say, what do all those words mean anyway? HEH-HEH-HEH! We got about ten minutes left...so Kevin, how are the kids? You know you're looking buffer everytime I see you. What's your secret, the Atkins diet? You know, I don't know which was fatter, that guy's clients, or his paycheck!

KEVIN: Well, you are the man Jay. You are the man.

JAY: By the way, have I ever told you how good Doritos taste lately? They're so crunchy and succulent... (Whips out bag) I'd eat them everyday if I wasn't on the Atkins diet!

KEVIN: I do love Doritos, Jay. I do love 'em.

(Laugh at the jokes, turn off the T.V., go to bed)