View Full Version : Why Tag Team Wrestling is Dead: A Discourse

07-21-14, 03:02 PM
(FADEIN: Belly Of The Beast Training Center, Brooklyn, NY. Prospects and other aspiring wrestlers work out in the background as ALEX AUSTIN and LUCKY SEVEN [Ill Fortune] walk into the frame. Alex is wearing his usual catch-wrestling rashguard top and grappling shorts; Seven is in black and white spandex and cutoff top that reads "MAY THE gODDS BE IN YOUR FAVOR")

AUSTIN: "Yesterday on Reddit, (underlines with finger) 'r/prowrestling', somebody asked why tag team wrestling is largely dead. And because I pride myself on being honest and outspoken, correcting people where they need correcting for their own good, I figured that me and Seven could EXPLAIN that answer to you on video. So listen up..."

"Tag wrestling is deceased because people like PETER WINDHAM, LANE CASH, DOUG MAYFIELD, DEVASTATOR, FRANKIE FARGO, and especially THE CHROMATIC DRAGONS stabbed it in the throat."

"Hard-working, middle class wrestling fans don't buy tickets to see sex perverts, drug users, fake devil worshippers, pretend time-travelers, illiterate rednecks, and DRAGONS turn the sport of wrestling into a costumed funny farm. I know this because I've stayed in the parking lot after shows - I've talked to fans! - and not a single one claimed to be a fan of Lane Cash, Doug Mayfield, or the champion Chromatic Dragons. NOT ONE. They want to see more ATHLETES like me and Seven, with the expertise to ply their craft at the highest of levels."

"The more CHEERS that Eddie Mayfield's staff pipes in over the loudspeakers to give the IMPRESSION that these circus acts are supported by ordinary Americans, the worse it leaves a once-prestigious tag wrestling division."

SEVEN: "Don't lump these shitheads in with the circus. As an ex-acrobat myself, I can tell you that the level of athleticism and precision required to perform is FAR BEYOND what is seen in the NFW ring. And honestly, as a proud athlete, if I have to see ONE MORE FUCKING IDIOT running around with soda cans on his head, talking about dragons or if I have to sign ONE MORE CONTRACT in a strip club because that's where our creepy sex predator Commissioner likes to hang out with 'his boys', I swear to me, I'm going to SHOOT SOMEBODY IN THEIR DUMB FUCKING HEAD!"

AUSTIN: "Lane Cash, you are ONE glass dildo and an incest-twin away from being confused for Shawn Hart at the mall. The act is tired, and frankly, it's offensive. As the premiere ATH-LETES of NFW, we are ashamed to appear on the same card as you."

SEVEN: "Frat-boy rapist homophobic dick-experimenter..."

AUSTIN: "THIRSTY THURSDAY IS OVER! Ill Fortune is the morning-after pill to flush out NFW's tag team parasites. We won't be denied, no matter how many doors we have to beat down."

"And if you want to rep the future, go buy an Alex Austin t-shirt. Put Lucky Seven on your wall. Because without us, this industry HAS no future. We're going door-to-door, home-by-home, armed with conviction and ability, taking back tag team wrestling in the name of those who want to be PROUD of the sport again."

SEVEN: "Heads, we win. Tails, you lose."