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View Full Version : [WF vs. A-List] Onslaught and Arrows vs. Ferguson and Tsonda



TH
08-07-07, 07:25 PM
Group C matchup.

RP deadline is 8/15 @ 11:59:59 PM Eastern Daylight Time. All regular rules apply.

Turd Ferguson
08-15-07, 10:56 PM
VH1's LIFE ON THE LIST presents: "NOT 'YETI' READY FOR PRIME TIME"




FADEIN



We lay our scene in fair…well, somewhere cold. Two figures have their backs turned and are almost completely disguised by their impregnable parkas. Fur spills off the hoods, abandoning any hope of subtlety in suggesting that they’re in a wintry atmosphere.


Both turn and reveal themselves to be Chandler Tsonda and Danny Ferguson, two *****in’ dudes who just happen to be members of the most *****in’ syndicate around: the A-List. Each man is still wearing goggles and the only real difference is that Danny’s bright red hair is lurking out from underneath his hood and Chandler’s scarf appears to have a big, gaudy Prada symbol on it. Their conversation can barely be heard above the howling wind.


DANNY FERGUSON: Hey Sir Edmund Hilary, what’s the big idea?


CHANDLER TSONDA: Don’t worry, compadre.


From behind the two is a large crash, where a dozen or so men are milling around, some transporting miscellaneous equipment, others leaning against walls. These men are dressed in significantly fewer clothes than the two pampered sports entertainers and would be recognizable to most Westerners as sherpas. Having dragged in the last of the goods, the last sherpa closes the door behind himself.


DANNY FERGUSON: Chan, will you please spill the beans now? This is getting ri-*******-diculous.


CUTTO: Chandler Tsonda, seated presumably atop a mountain, given the range landscape behind him. He is looking straight into the camera.


CHANDLER TSONDA: So, I told Danny that we needed to bring out something special if we wanted to compete in TEAM. I told him we needed a little divinity on our side. Immediately, I knew exactly what we needed. So, despite the fact that Americans can’t sneak toothpaste through airports, I engineered a convoluted series of transports up here to the Himalayan foothills in Nepal. Involved were kooky hijinks, crooked customs agents, and various action movie clichés. Suffice to say, we’ve skipped right to the good part."


CUTBACK: Danny and Chandler on the cliffside.


Chandler Tsonda noticeably ignores Danny, motioning back towards one of the sherpas.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Listen, Lakmi, maybe your MacBook Pro can handle being tossed around like a passenger in Lindsay Lohan’s car, but express shipping here is gonna be a total ***** out here, so what say we cease with the butter fingers, eh?


LAKMI: Lo…han?


Lakmi is confounded, but obviously, Chandler Tsonda is off in his own world. He turns back to Danny Ferguson, who has taken off his goggles to reveal a face as red as his hair.


DANNY FERGUSON: Chan, seriously. I’m not taking another step until you explain to me why I’m slumming it in the Asian equivalent of Buffalo, New York. It’s so ****ing cold that I’m-


CUTTO: Danny, also with the landscape background. Also, still red-faced. Possibly drunk.


DANNY FERGUSON: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. One of my personal mottos is to rarely trust Asians with travel plans. If you don’t end up giving peace signs in some drunk frat kid’s Facebook picture, you’re just searching for the Chinatown in whatever place you go. How is that a vacation? Chandler’s got us on some mindless trip; we’re probably looking for the Holy Grail.


CUTBACK.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Cold, you say?
Chandler gives an insincere pat on the back to his partner in crime and calls over one of the sherpas.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Nurang, will you bring some of that fresh ass herbal tea? D-Train needs something to keep away the cold.


Danny tries to get a word in, but the sherpa is immediately upon him with a cup, basically forcing it down his throat. Cringing slightly at the unexpected heat, Danny is stifled. However, as soon as he coughs off the after-effects of the herbal tea, he reaches his limit.


DANNY FERGUSON: CHAN!


CUTTO: Chandler confessional


CHANDLER TSONDA: It is a distinct possibility that I forget to tell Danny we’re in the lower Himalayas to look for the Yeti.


CUTBACK.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Yeah, yeah, what?


DANNY FERGUSON: The plan? The goal? Hell, maybe the reason why there are forty-two of your cousins carrying equipment around and making jokes about the "firehair"?


Several snickers issue from behind Ferguson, but Tsonda realizes the jig is up. His strategy is to speak slowly and choose his words very deliberately, hoping to avoid the full wrath of the Ferg.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Remember when I told you that we were looking for something…divine?


DANNY FERGUSON: I suspected you’d been spiking your fruit punch with Robitussin, but yes.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Well, see, we still are. You, see, the indigenous people consider the gods to be in constant contact with them. Often, this comes in animal form.
Danny is pulling off the impressive combination of perplexed and furious right now.


CHANDLER TSONDA: For example, in Sumatra, the Orang-Pendek is not feared, but worshipped. Only the most worthy will find it and when they do, all the luck in the world will be theirs.


Total no-sell from the Ferg. Chandler licks his rapidly drying lips and clears his throat.


CHANDLER TSONDA: There is a similar belief in these mountains. A creature lives high up in the snowdrifts and-


DANNY FERGUSON: Dear God, I’ve got DiscoveryHD too. Cut to the chase.


CHANDLER TSONDA: We’re looking for the Yeti.


CUTTO: Chandler confessional.


CHANDLER TSONDA: So of course I expected some resistance, but I was also hoping that I could prolong irritated apathy and delay irreversible fury. I guess I just thought he would be jetlagged as **** or something. God, I’m retarded.


CUTTO: Danny confessional


DANNY FERGUSON: God, he's retarded. Like, prize-winningly-retarded. The kind of retard that could walk down the street and other retards would be like, "*******, that guy's retarded."...I may have stolen that line from somewhere.


CAMERAMAN: (OS) You did, but you also butchered the hell out of it, so I think it passes.


DANNY FERGUSON: (annoyed) That's the Hollywood way, Gondry. Glad to see that career of original thought is really taking you places.


CAMERAMAN: (OS) ...


CUTBACK.


DANNY FERGUSON: (VO) So he tells me we're searching for a ****ing Yeti, and I'm thinking that if my fingers hadn't frozen together like a GI Joe with jacked-up action grip, I would have strangled him. Instead, I tried to stay calm.[/i]


DANNY FERGUSON: Go on.


CHANDLER TSONDA: That's, uh...that’s all I got. Looking for the Yeti. Large, bipedal, humanoid creature. Never been proven to exist by humans. Notoriously timid. Realistically impossible to find for two people with no field experience and insufficient biological knowledge.


Like watching a car crash, Tsonda almost looks like he wants to stop after each utterance, but is now obligated to tell the truth about the whole charade.


DANNY FERGUSON: I can honestly say that I don’t think any human has ever had a worse idea. Not only is it dangerous, unfeasible, and ridiculously wasteful, but…well, actually that about runs the gamut of why an idea might be bad. Care to counter?


CUTTO: Danny confessional


DANNY FERGUSON: I know the guy is a business mogul and all now, but seriously. I mean, I wanted him to feel stupid, but I’m honestly not sure he ever considered how harebrained this was before leaving the States. In fact, the stupidity of the whole ordeal seemed to wash over him as he explained it to ME. He’s like that sad sap middle-class dad who pays for lumber instead of buying a designer treehouse and then just ends up using the lumber as kindling when he burns the house to the ground in a fit of do-it-yourself rage.


CAMERAMAN: (OS, under his breath) Jesus...


DANNY FERGUSON: Exactly. (leans into the camera) How's that for morbid, Wes ****ing Anderson? (sits back, grumbling) ******* Shwartzman, stupid Je-


CUTBACK.


Danny waits until the mumbling and muttering stops. He looks at Chandler, who has understandably lost all confidence in his plan.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Ferg, I’m pretty sure we can still find it.


DANNY FERGUSON: Are you pretty sure we can still find it, or are you just pushing forward on an asinine plan because you got both of us in too deep to admit failure before beginning?


Beat.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Which...the sec...uhh…you there, champ!


Tsonda waves over to another one of the sherpas with two fingers, beckoning him. Danny shakes his head.


DANNY FERGUSON: You have no idea what his name is, do you?


CHANDLER TSONDA: Pfft, sure I do. We’re on a no-name basis, we’re so tight.


DANNY FERGUSON: Dude, just admit it. All Asian people look alike. (to approaching sherpa) Hey Chandler II! I saw you talking with Chandler IV and Chandler VII over there, how you guys doing?


Ignoring him, Tsonda prompts the sherpa to speak, which he does in severely broken English.


SHERPA: One day I go mountain. There, see yehteh, big shoulders. Two leg. Eye like fire. Burn.


The sherpa caps this tale off with a shudder, completing the creepy vibe. Tsonda looks at Danny as though this has clarified every muddied point.


CUTTO: Danny confessional


DANNY FERGUSON: So to disprove my claim that they all look alike, he brings his brother from another mother over and shows that they all think alike, too. Boy, what a surprise that they all believe the Yeti exists, huh? Never saw that coming. Call me crazy, but it's not stunning for Asians to think there's a giant, hairy white monster that smells bad and terrorizes nature. That's not a Yeti, that's the average American male. To answer your question, no, I don't think I'm racist. I mean, it's not racist if you're right...right?


CUTBACK.


CHANDLER TSONDA: So there’s our answer.


DANNY FERGUSON: Where? What answer? Wait…what’s the question? And why isn’t it "how fast can you get on Priceline to book the return trip?"


Tsonda wags a finger at Danny in response, resuming his steadfast position, insisting that the Yeti is the key to victory.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Dude, not only will we garner massive riches when we find the Yeti, but we’ll be studs on the crytozoology circuit.


DANNY FERGUSON: Sorry?


CHANDLER TSONDA: Cryptozoology, d’uh. The study of cryptids?
Tsonda looks like Ferguson’s just confessed to third-degree murder.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Oh Christ, they’re mysterious creatures, most of whom are alleged to exist, but whose existence is debated or unproven.


Beat. Danny stares at Chandler for a few seconds in silence.


DANNY FERGUSON: You want to lay pipe on chicks who dig Nessie?


CHANDLER TSONDA: Don’t sleep on these babes, Danno. They’re an untapped market.


CUTTO: Chandler confessional


CHANDLER TSONDA: Okay, so I was kind of a little bit of a science nerd when I was a kid. The day I told my mom that I wanted to find Sasquatch, she called the orphanage to see if they were full. Jokingly. I think.


CUTBACK.


Danny looks around the small cabin and realizes that the path of least resistance is his only option. Besides, Chandler still looks like a kid trying to convince his mother to buy him a puppy.


DANNY FERGUSON: So, say I sign up for this foolhardy voyage, and by that I mean say I agree to give this cross-globe trip some semblance of relevance to my life. Where do we go?


CHANDLER TSONDA: (ignoring the "if" clause in Danny’s response) Excellent, we’ll start climbing at dawn tomorrow.


DANNY FERGUSON: Climbing?


CHANDLER TSONDA: Yeah, doofus, making an ascent up the mountain. The Yeti isn’t just hanging out down here, watching King of Queens and waiting for us to find him.


Danny swears under his breath, unhappy that physical exertion is now part of the equation. Chandler’s back on his high horse, chiding the Superstar.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Get a good night’s sleep, Dan.
He takes a few steps back towards the sherpas, who have somehow managed to construct an entire makeshift village along the mountainside. He pauses and looks back at his partner.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Tomorrow, we go on the warpath.
Thrilled with himself, Tsonda spins on a dime and pretends to have something important to do, leaving Danny to his own devices.


DANNY FERGUSON: (calling after him) We're going to kill the Yeti?


Chandler stops.


CHANDLER TSONDA: I never said that.


DANNY FERGUSON: You said we were going on the warpath. That implies we're killing something.


CHANDLER TSONDA: It's a figure of speech.


DANNY FERGUSON: In what language? I've never heard it in English.


CHANDLER TSONDA: (mumbles)
SUBTITLE: In Shutup-ese...


DANNY FERGUSON: Say what? I didn't hear you.
Chandler spins around to face him.


CHANDLER TSONDA: I SAID SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP SO WE CAN KILL THE YETI! I MEAN, HUNT...DAMMIT!


He clearly tears up a little and then runs off into the camp, sobbing slightly to himself. The camera swings over to Danny who looks at it and gives a shrug.





DANNY FERGUSON: (VO) My history with cryptic zoology wasn't very good, but there's a big difference between looking for some mythical ice creature and attempting to kill it. Chandler wasn't telling me something, and I didn't want to stick around and find out what the secret was.


CUTTO: Danny confessional


DANNY FERGUSON: I decided that I would leave the next day.


FADEOUT


COMMERCIAL BREAK: Stay Tuned on VH1 for the newest Celebreality Series, "Gosh, I Wish I Could Forget All The Stupid **** I Did In The Early 90s"!


FADEIN


The makeshift sherpa village is completely demolished. Huts are either burning, stomped flat or town to shreds. Sherpa bodies - and pieces of sherpa bodies - litter the snow between the debris...thus creating more debris. Danny stumbles out of a tent, not realizing that it's on fire, and rubs his eyes.


DANNY FERGUSON: Christ, talk about snoring. It sounded like these guys were growling and screaming in pain all night.


CHANDLER TSONDA: The *******ed Yeti attacked our camp!


DANNY FERGUSON: BS.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Um...


He gestures to the disaster all around them.


DANNY FERGUSON: Well, right. Camp attack, check. But how do you know it was the Yeti?


CHANDLER TSONDA: He left his symbol!


Chandler takes off in another direction. Danny mouths the word "symbol?" before following him.


DANNY FERGUSON: He has a symbol?


CHANDLER TSONDA: Duh.


They come to a clearing where one sherpa - Lakmi, from the beginning of our episode - is sprawled out, face-down in the snow. His park is ripped off and a giant Y with a circle through it (like an anarchy symbol...but with a Y) is spray painted on his back. The words "4 LYFE" are painted awkwardly next to it, running down his leg.


DANNY FERGUSON: Where the **** did he get spray paint?


Chandler looks at Danny like he just dropkicked a kitten off the side of the mountain.


CHANDLER TSONDA: It's a YETI, dude! Mythical creature with presumably incomprehensible powers! You're wondering how he got spray paint? He destroyed our camp!


DANNY FERGUSON: Well it's kind of a weird thing, I mean why would he bother with spray paint? Like, why not burn it into the chests of one of these dead dudes or something.


Chandler ignores him and shifts through the damage, but Danny continues in the background.


DANNY FERGUSON: Maybe if he like, peed all around camp and made the symbol. That'd be gross and all, but man, that would send a message.


Chandler emerges from one of the ruins of a hut with a pick axe, his eyes aflame as he looks skyward. Danny backs off by tries to calm him down a little.


DANNY FERGUSON: Whoawhoawhoa, where are you going!


CHANDLER TSONDA: I'm going to kill him. Her. It. Himherit.


DANNY FERGUSON: You don't just go rushing up the mountain to exact revenge for all your brothers and sisters! That's how you get killed, too!


Beat.


DANNY FERGUSON: And then I'm the only one who comes down the mountain and I look like the biggest Asian hater since Truman after this mini-genocide! That can't happen!


CHANDLER TSONDA: Then what am I supposed to do?


DANNY FERGUSON: We're going to need to take some time, do some preparation. We need to do a little training.


He pulls out a cell phone and starts dialing.


DANNY FERGUSON: I mean, he's got ****ing spray paint, so who knows what else he-


CHANDLER TSONDA: You get service up here?


DANNY FERGUSON: Yeah, it's the Network. VH1, I mean. They gave me a satellite phone.


CHANDLER TSONDA: They never gave me a satellite phone.


DANNY FERGUSON: They probably assumed you'd steal it, or at least put those stupid jewel sticky things all over it.


CHANDLER TSONDA: I-


Danny holds a finger up to quiet him down, speaking into the phone.


DANNY FERGUSON: Hey, it's D-Ferg. You still got that summer place in Nepal? Great, I need to use it. Yeah, now. Swing by and pick me up.


He hangs up the phone and turns toward Chandler, seemingly victorious.


DANNY FERGUSON: It'll be about a day.


CHANDLER TSONDA: WHAT!? I can't wait here a day!


DANNY FERGUSON: Uh, I don't know if our little expedition up the face clued you in or not, but it takes a long time to get way the F out here. Besides, you're the Yeti expert, what are the odds she attacks the same place twice?


CUTTO: Chandler confessional


CHANDLER TSONDA: The odds that the Yeti attacks the same place twice are slightly higher than I anticipated.


CUTTO:


The next morning, Chandler crawls out of a sleeping bag and immediately notices the ground covered in blood. It bears noting that the camera pointed up at an awkward angle, as if it were laying in the snow. As if dropped in the snow during some sort of struggle. As if abandoned while its handler was grabbed and ripped to shreads. Theoretically.


CHANDLER TSONDA: I thought...I thought all the sherpas were dead?
Danny, who was pacing outside as Chandler awoke, is on the phone. He gestures downward to the camera. Chandler follows until he sees the lens, and grimaces.


DANNY FERGUSON: (into phone) Hey, uh, our camera dude had to leave. Yeah. Um, personal reasons.


He looks at Chandler and gives one of those exaggerated "yikes!" looks.


DANNY FERGUSON: What kind of reasons? Uh, his girlfriend, uh - wife, of course, wife, he calls her his girlfriend because she has a - anyway, she gave birth. (nervous laugh) Oh, she just had one a month ago? Well, they found another. Yeah, it was hiding in there, behind, like, the ovaries or something. Totally improbable, I agree. But it happened. So we need a new guy. Yeah, thanks.


He hangs up the phone and turns to Chandler, who is still realizing the horror of what happened.


CHANDLER TSONDA: What's that smell?


DANNY FERGUSON: Urine, and lots of it. Clever girl...


CUTTO: Danny confessional


DANNY FERGUSON: So we had to lose like 18 mountain clerics and Steve the cameraman-


CAMERAMAN: (OS) Jerry.


DANNY FERGUSON: Sa-huh?


CAMERMAN: (OS) His name was Jerry. The cameraman.


DANNY FERGUSON: Right, well-


CAMERAMAN: (OS) He was my brother-in-law.


DANNY FERGUSON: I'm sorry, which was is that thing pointed? Are you the star?


CAMERAMAN: (OS, muttering) Sorry.


DANNY FERGUSON: ANYWAY, we learned two things about our Yeti: One, it has opposable thumbs - hence the spray paint. Two, it has a keen sense of storytelling, because it left both of the stars alive after two straight attacks. It's like Mamet...but with claws. And spray paint.


CUTBACK.


Chandler stoops to pick up the camera and holds it to get a shot of the land around them, especially capturing the large, steaming circle-Y marked in urine all around what's left of their camp. A rhythmic hum picks up in the distance, and the camera, now manned by Chandler, swings around to see a chopper approaching.


DANNY FERGUSON: (OS) Just in time.


Chandler swings the camera down to face Fergwad.


CHANDLER TSONDA: (OS) Actually, I'd argue that it's a few hours too late.
Ferguson spins around slightly to face him.


DANNY FERGUSON: Why's that?


Beat, Danny looks around at the scene.


DANNY FERGUSON: Oh, right. Steve.


CHANDLER TSONDA: (OS) I think his name was Daniel.
The chopper gets closer and the hum becomes a roar. It pulls up close to the mountain and Danny turns back to the camera again.


DANNY FERGUSON: You ready to start training?


The chopper pulls up and a man slides a side door open. He offers Danny a hand and pulls him inside. Then he reaches back for Chandler, who is still holding the camera. He focuses in on the face of their relative savior...


CHANDLER TSONDA: (OS) Liam Neeson?


Looking annoyed, Neeson grabs Chandler and yanks him, camera and all, into the chopper.


CUTTO: Liam Neeson in a confessional setup, with a living room and burning fireplace as his backdrop.


LIAM NEESON: I owed Danny a favor because he introduced me to the creepy mask-wearing friend of his so I could score some weed.


Beat.


LIAM NEESON: You're not recording this, are you?


CAMERAMAN: (OS) What did you think the camera was for?


Liam looks straight into the lens and quietly bites his bottom lip.


CUTTO: Training Montage


[I]Danny and Chandler in various stages of armor with weaponry, battling on a frozen lake.


LIAM NEESON: (VO) You have learned to bury your guilt with anger. I will teach you to confront it and to face the truth.


The two clash swords, but Chandler lowers his and lets his guard down. He turns to the side, where Liam Neeson is watching them.


CHANDLER TSONDA: You know, I saw Batman Begins, I know all this stuff is from the movie.


DANNY FERGUSON: (muttering) Just roll with it, he knows it all by heart.


Chandler takes a deep breath.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Fine.


Danny looks at Liam and nods. Liam shoots a look at Chandler, but Danny silently urges him on. With a sigh, he continues.


LIAM NEESON: (VO) You know how to fight six men. We can teach you how to engage 600.


[I]CUT


The three men are walking down a shadowed hallway in a temple of some sort.


LIAM NEESON: (VO) The ninja understands that invisibility is a matter of patience and agility.


He stops and picks up a small bowl of white powder.


LIAM NEESON: Always mind your surroundings. Ninjitsu employs explosive powders.


He holds the bowl up. Danny furrows his brow.


DANNY FERGUSON: As weapons?


LIAM NEESON: Or distractions. Theatricality and deception are powerful agents.


Danny takes a pinch of the powder and throws it down. Nothing happens. He looks back at Liam.


LIAM NEESON: Oh, sorry, wrong bag...


He pulls out a pair of Ziplocs and begins opening them.


CUT


Chandler steps between a series of poles while Liam jabs at him to keep him moving.



LIAM NEESON: (VO) You know how to disappear. We can teach you to become truly invisible.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Invisible?


Neeson shoots Chandler another look. He clears his throat, but nothing happens. All three stand around awkwardly for a beat or two.


LIAM NEESON: This is where-


DANNY FERGUSON: The ninjas couldn't make it.


LIAM NEESON: Couldn't get them on short notice.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Great.


LIAM NEESON: Whatever, Sulu, not like you don't know ninjitsu already.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Back off, Rob Roy.


LIAM NEESON: You're out of your element, son, don't make me-


CHANDLER TSONDA: Do you want to fight me!? Because if I leave here with one giant white ass kicked, that's one in the W column, so we can step outside and-


CUT


Chandler and Liam are battling on the same ice lake.



LIAM NEESON: Your cameraman's death was not your fault.


CHANDLER TSONDA: I know, it was Danny's.


DANNY FERGUSON: Maybe it was his fault for being a cameraman to begin with.
Chandler lunges at Liam and knocks him to the ice.


CHANDLER TSONDA: I think I'm ready.


With that, and because we're running awfully long at this point, a roar echoes across the surrounding area. The snow rumbles as it echoes around the quote-unquote training area.


LIAM NEESON: It's an AVALANCHE!


DANNY FERGUSON: Relax. They just make a lot of noise; they can't ever do anything noteworthy.


CHANDLER TSONDA: It's also not an avalanche. It's the *******ed Yeti!


The camera swings up to show us our first look at the Yeti. In the interest of time, let's assume the Yeti looks exactly like you'd expect. It jumps off a snow bank and lands on the frozen lake, shaking the ground beneath all their feet. Before Danny and Chandler can raise their swords and engage him in the hand-to-hand combat that they'd been training with, he knocks the weapons away. Both men look at Liam.


LIAM NEESON: What the **** do you want? The Batmobile?


The Yeti takes a swipe at the two men. They retreat to a longer distance, where Danny produces a pair of longbows and a large quiver of arrows. Without a word, the two men fire arrow after arrow at the Yeti, but each one simply bounces off his thick fur and crashes. Out of arrows, they basically give up.


DANNY FERGUSON: I really thought this unexpected and somewhat lame break from the pace of the story would have helped end this quickly.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Right, but it did nothing. Except make this a little uncomfortable for everyone.


DANNY FERGUSON: Yeah, our relentless flurry of long-range assault didn't help at all.


CHANDLER TSONDA: So it's feasible to say that our onslaught of arrows is completely ineffectual and borderline pathetic. At least as a means of offensive attack.


DANNY FERGUSON: Indeed. You could almost say that this onslaught of arrows didn't even bother to show up. In terms of inflicting damage upon the Yeti, that is.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Of course.


Beyond the two of them, the Yeti roars and stoops down to finish Liam Neeson off. Stone-faced, Neeson stares up at the Yeti, looking certain death in the face.


LIAM NEESON: You haven't beaten me. You have sacrificed sure footing for a killing stroke.


He slams a fist on the ice and it shatters, sending the Yeti tumbling under the icy water. Unfortunately, it also cracks under Liam and he disappears into the deathtrap as well. The camera swings back up to Chandler and Danny.


DANNY FERGUSON: I don't think he planned that part.


CHANDLER TSONDA: It's safe to say that planning hasn't taken place since the start of this adventure.


DANNY FERGUSON: Touche, salesman.


They both stare at the lake for a while. Liam pops up, gasping for air, and struggles to swim to solid ground, calling out for help. Neither Danny nor Chandler move, though.


CHANDLER TSONDA: Well listen, the comic punchline of this was that I wanted to kill the Yeti to make a kick-ass new coat to wear to this fashion show next month, but that's pretty much ruined since the pelt is all wet.


DANNY FERGUSON: Right. And because all those people died.


CHANDLER TSONDA: That, too.


DANNY FERGUSON: Especially Liam. That's a real shame.


Over their shoulders, Liam Neeson still struggles to free himself from the ice hole he created to save Danny and Chandler from the Yeti that he had trained them to fight a la Bruce Wayne after they tried to pursue it and it killed their entire hunting party and first cameraman. They watch him struggle and share a moment of bonding. Chandler puts his hand on Danny's shoulder. And then Danny takes the hand off.


FADEOUT.

William Morgan
08-15-07, 11:56 PM
The camera opened to the golden plated word, "INTENSE". Gradually, the view panned backward, revealing one half of the competitors for perhaps the most anticipated tag team match of the evening. Within the backstage area of Reunion Arena, there sat a physically imposing six foot four, and two-hundred and forty-five pound freak of nature ontop of a colossal black box used for transporting ring construction equipment. His remarkable brown eyes nicely complimented his almond complexion, but gave a glare so intimidating they could burn straight through titanium. He had his hair styled into a low cut ceaser, featuring rather thin sideburns that extended a mere quarter of an inch from his jawline. The handsome, twenty-six year-old was stylishly dressed in astronomically expensive Evisu deluxe black jeans, white and green Jordan Team Elite II Low sneakers, and a customized New York Jets away jersey. On his lap rested the radiant and world renowned gold championship of INTENSE FC.

Next to him, his partner gave a stare serious and determined enough to make Godzilla run the other way. Yet his cute and charming face combined with his golden blonde spiked hair and crystal blue eyes could even make the sexiest of models stare and blush. In contrast to the man on his left, he was clad far more unrefined, wearing rugged and baggy blue jeans, white Timberland boots, and a simple black t-shirt that read, "Cause I'm..." on the front in navy blue lettering with a silver outline. Whereas the first man was hunched forward and casually pressed his forearms to his thighs which only made the platinum wedding band on his hand stand out more; the second stood and leaned back against the white brick wall with his arms crossed.


ONSLAUGHT
"The Epitome of Greatness", "The Greatest of All-Time"

SHAWN ARROWS
"Simply Perfect", "Iron Man"

Shawn Arrows: TEAM.

Shawn took a second to turn his focus towards the man beside him shaking his head slightly in more so disbelief of the situation than anything else. Years ago, the two stepped into a ring on the same side. So long ago Shawn couldn't even begin to fathom a date. To be standing beside the man now, once again preparing to make the run they were about to attempt to make... Shawn couldn't believe it at all.

Arrows: Ah've gotta admit, Supes, Ah never once saw this moment comin'. Not only are tha two of us actually steppin' back inta tha ring as a tag team, we're doin' so in TEAM's Dupee Cup. In tha worlda rasslin', team isa dyin' word, yanno?

The reigning INTENSE Heavyweight Champion chucked softly to himself as smirk quickly crept over his face.

Onslaught: Yeah, I feel ya on that one.

Arrows: Tag team rasslin' has become nothin' more than a way ta break inta tha industry, er give somea yer more over talent somethin' ta do ta keep em on tha air while ya have no actual storylines for 'em. Seems these days, anyone 'n everyone in tha business reckons they can be tha top dog. Tha man in tha spotlight, by his lonesome, World Heavyweight Title 'round his waist. We both know what that's like.

Shawn paused for a moment, searching his mind for the words he was trying to pull out to make what he wanted to say make sense. Of course, when you're Shawn Arrows, making sense isn't exactly the easiest thing to do. Turning his attention back to the camera, the excitement Shawn felt simply standing here tonight was obvious from his facial expression.

Arrows: Any man who truly dreamsa bein' part ofa team, has done everythin' he believes he can do on his own. No one simply wakes in tha mornin', wantin' ta be a team player, 'n share that glorious spotlight. Trust, fellowship, respect, compassion, patience. Virtues such as those, are non-existant in man. They must be created, nurtured. No two men can look at each other fer a moment, 'n know that together they will be something amazing.

Another glance at Onslaught, and back to the camera, Shawn slowly nodded his head, already knowing exactly what he wanted his next point to be. He wasted no time getting back on track.

Arrows: Of course, when two men come together on common ground after goin' through everythin' tha two of em can alone, with those virtues established, anything 'n everything is possible. Reckon that's tha story of our friendship. Two stars, comin' together on common ground, best friends, worst foes, all that jazz. Ta stroke muh own ego fer a moment, Ah am one of tha best men ta ever step inta a wrestling ring. Ah might not be able ta talk worth a damn, 'n muh actual wrestlin' knowledge might be limited ta what Ah watched muh daddy do, but despite alla that, Ah managed ta not only become a star, Ah managed ta do somethin' very few have repeated. Ah went eighteen months without a single loss. Ah even held four belts along tha way.

Pointing at the "Cause I'm..." text on his shirt, the old, most confident man in the world, was returning. For the first time in years, Shawn Arrows felt like everything that he had said for so many years, was true. This moment was what it all built up to, and if this was to be the finest hour in the era of Shawn Arrows, then he would soar one last time. He knew what he had to be during this tournament, and he had every intention on delivering for the sake of his team.

Arrows: Ah stood at tha top of tha mountain in what was arguably onea tha best promotions of it's time, not only in singles action, but in tag team action as well. Somea tha talent that fell before me went on ta be gods of tha wrestling business. Ah was tha man, tha man ta beat, tha heavyweight champ, 'n even one halfa tha tag team champs. Ah did everythin' Ah could possibly do, hell, Ah even managed ta beat tha Winds Of Change, 'n lord knows, beating Mister Malone innit exactly a small feat.

It would seem, Shawn Arrows was finally reverting to what made him the man to beat for so long. The ego firing back up, confidence returning to the smirk plastered across his face, it almost made him want to say the words one more time. Not just yet though. Shawn nodded his head towards Onslaught, acknowledging to himself that there is always someone who can beat you.

Arrows: Course, reckon nobody stays on top of tha world forever, muhself included. Nobody is truly perfect, 'n while Ah may just be the closest thing to it, well, there's always that one man. Tha one man that beats ya, when yer at yer best.

Reunion Arena. Truthfully, it couldn't be more fitting. It had strangely been almost seven years since the first and only time the two best friends had wrestled alongside one another. They were insanely impressive that night, defeating probably the greatest tag team in the business. Additionally, the name they were all gathered under hadn't been used in an equally long time, but attained unparalleled success as one of the most amazing factions in wrestling history. Done reminsicing about the past since his partner had now finished talking, Onslaught promptly slid off the large box and snarled under his breath, focused on the present.

Onslaught: You'll have to excuse me if I'm less cordial than my partner because to put it simple, I'm pissed off. See, I've never been one for tournaments. I don't need anyone to hand me a silly trophy to validate myself. However, this summa b*tch...

He grumbled to himself, pointing back at Shawn Arrows with his thumb to make himself clear.

Onslaught: Felt this would be the perfect - no pun intended outlet for us to finally showcase ourselves as a team. I came here expecting to compete against best wrestlers in the world, bringing an end to my self imposed exiled from wrestling after having spent three years in MMA. Instead, here we are with two undedicated and unmotivated pieces of sh*t that haven't even arrived at the building yet. Unlike some of these other guys here, I wanted to hear them out first and reserve my judgment, but it's become quite apparently that Tsonda and Ferguson are both a disgrace to this industry.

Clearly annoyed at the situation that had fallen into his lap, Onslaught folded his arms across his chest as he stared into the camera, almost speaking with the tone of a disappointed father.

Onslaught: I'm not one to cut corners so I made myself quite familiar with the both of you. Fergie, you had damn good match ten days ago. But, there's a small problem: It's ten days later, Nova isn't in this match, and it's not an event named Colossus. You surprised a lot of people and beat the TEAM Champion of Champions, but let's be real, Nova always loses at Colossus kinda like he did the last two years. For whatever reason, he chokes at that event. Meanwhile, we thrive on pressure. You won't be get by on some silly stroke of luck tonight and that brings me to your partner. Chandler... Damn, it's been almost a week and I still can't believe they named you that.

For a moment, Onslaught rests his hand over his face and lets out a small sigh for the guy.

Onslaught: I watched your match at Colossus Four and truth be told, it was pathetic. You, Wade, and Face had to pull stupid little deceptive tricks to pick up the win that night. Instead of being upfront and just making it a six-man tag, a legit tag team match, or even face the guy one on one; you punks pulled the wool over his head and assaulted him throughout that match, having his own partner on your side like cowards. Chandler, the wrestling lesson I would've taught you had PWC not closed before my arrival, now will be given to you tonight. You and Ferguson are going to have to go into this match straight up tonight. No tricks. No bullsh*t. No gang beat downs. This will be two on two.

Noticing his partner's incensed demeanor, Shawn smiled and regretfully shook his head in pity for their opponents tonight.

Onslaught: And, in that kind of situation, against us, you and Ferguson aren't just outmatched; you b*tches are outclassed like two street tricks in a country club. Don't think we're overlooking you clowns either because that couldn't be further from the truth. We're merely saying out loud what the two of you have been repeating in your heads since you stupid bastards got entered into this thing. Honestly, what'd you think was gonna happen? You'd take a page from Flavor of Love 2, take a dump on the floor, and hope we were too confused to notice the fact that you suck? Life just doesn't work that way, son. Tonight...

Shawn Arrows: Prepare to be blindsided by reality.


End transmission.