View Full Version : PORTLAND REGIONAL FINAL: [1] Shawn Hart vs. [3] Beast

04-01-07, 04:40 PM
HART defeated:
Decapitator Diamond
James Irish

BEAST defeated:
Sean Edmunds
Fred Cook

Match to take place at the Rose Garden in Portland, OR. RP deadline is Sunday, April 8th, 11:59:59 PM EDT, give or take a second.

04-03-07, 06:06 PM
FADE IN: SJH and JKJ are kicking it back and forth with that OLD SCHOOL style that sets them at forefront professional wrestlers turned MC's.

HART: "Yo-yo-yo, check it... 1-2,1-deuce..."

KATZ: "Yea BOYEE... Lemme hear ya ONE TIME!"

The beat drops, as do the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister's dope lyrics.

HART: "Yo my main man Beast, he's tha A1 illest-
Serious SMACKDOWN jobber KILL-IST!
Sparrow, Edmunds, n' Cook, those suckahs been dismissed-
Rockin' this TIT with his microphone quick-ness!

KATZ: "But my boy Shawn Hart is a stone cold PLAYAH-
Phenomenal FRESH, jiggy sh(FCC)t PUERVEYAH-
Show me a b(FCC)tch, and I bet'chu he'll LAY HER-
Smoothin' like silk, he's the tha Beast-boy SLAYAH!"

HART: "You best ta check your back, cuz I'm movin' stealth-
I'm gonna check mad gold, and check mad wealth.
We're talkin' SJH- ain't nuthin' SWEETER.
I'm gonna kill Beast's ass with an EGG BEATER!
Cuz I roll like that, that's just how I do-
I'm gonna seal your eyes shut with CARPENTER'S GLUE.
I be smashin' your bean bag like a work of art-
The Van Gogh, NUT-smasher, BIG SHAWN HART!"

KATZ: "It's tha Manischevitz Mac-Daddy up in the PLACE-
If you step to us, Beast, you'll be DISGRACED.
It's time to take your lumps, son, and you can't KVETCH-
The Phenom locks his ARM BAR, your bones will stretch."

HART: "Yo my style's TIGHT, and I'm in the zone-
If I see your girl, I'll make her MOAN!
Cuz with Jessica, my sh(FCC)t's supreme-
I'm the Big King C(FCC)CK of her WET DREAM!
Gotta problem with this? Step up to the PLATE-
I'll own your ass like we own KUWAIT!
It's the PHENOM, kid, numbah one elite-
I'm givin' your girlfriend my slab of MEAT!
In and out, in her big BACK SEAT-
You step to this, and it's my WANG you'll EAT!"

KATZ: "Ahhhhhhhhh SH(FCC)T! You jus' got told!
We mugged yo ass, and yer sh(FCC)t got ROLLED!
A lyrical drive-by from some JEWISH BOYS-
Bustin' it up, and breakin' DOWN the GOYIM!"

HART: "With my CANNON-fist, you'll meet the gurney-
I'll work yo ass, like I work this tourney.
Your time has come, Beast, you're all PLAYED OUT-
My career's ON FIRE like your HERPES BOUT!"

KATZ: "This is S-J-H... and J-K-J-
Yo we got some groupies and it's time to play.
You wanna take us out? Make your best attempt-
We'll dismiss you, boyee- leave your ass FARKLEMPT!"

HART: "So when ya come ta fight, ya better say ya PRAY-AHS!
Smashin' up your GRILLE beyond all REAPAIR!
When I see yo ass, yo ass is FLOGGED...

The beat begins to fade.

KATZ: "Yea yea, Ayatollah of Motzah Ball-ahs.... Shawn Hart... we out dis b(FCC)tch..."

HART: "Straight thuggin' and Corona chuggin' since day one, y'all... SJH versus Beast... T-I-T..."

KATZ: "Wooooooord up..."

HART: "Tape's comin' to an end, yo... Go to my website... buy the new Shawn Hart T-shirt for $19.95 plus shipping and handling, you know what I'm sayin'? This one goes out to all the HART-broken Phenom fiends representin' the East Side... you know who you are. My time is up... just like Beast's. Check ya out, y'all. The PHENOM has left the building!"



04-05-07, 10:25 AM
(Beast's Winnipeg home. The big guy's got the week off in both A1E and EPW, so he's at home to prepare for his upcoming TEAM match up against Shawn Hart. A camera crew is present to film Beast's segment. A crew member hands Beast a DVD of Hart's latest offering, and Beast puts it in the player and watches as the big screen comes to life. Beast sits down and grabs his Coca Cola, and takes a sip as we watches. No reaction on his face.

As the promo plays, Beast yawns and grabs a copy of the Winnipeg Free Press, and begins reading. Manitoba Bucks Construction Deadline is the visible headline as Beast reads on. Hart's promo continues, and Beast flips the page and reads on. Hart's segment ends, and Beast doesn't even notice. He's buried in a story about the new football stadium being proposed for the city. A crewman tries to get his attention.

CM: Beast?


CM (a little more forcefully this time): Um, BEAST?

(Beast lowers the paper, and looks at the crewman.)

Beast: Oh, sorry. Yes?

CM: We're here to get your response to Hart's segment.

Beast: Oh yeah. Right. Sorry. Just a moment.

(Beast gets up and folds the paper neatly under his arm, as he heads out of the living room and into a nearby bathroom. The door closes, and we can hear some whistling, interrupted by mild grunts and a couple splashes. A couple minutes later, a huge flushing noise is heard, followed by the sound of running tap water, and Beast comes out of the washroom, newspaper once again folded under his arm.)

CM: Okay, Beast, about your response to Shawn Hart?

Beast: That WAS my response.

(The TEAM crew stands stunned as Beast calls his dogs, and they head outside for a rousing round of frisbee.)

04-06-07, 10:44 PM
FADE IN: Shawn Jessica Hart, PhD. and his sister Felicia emerge along with the masses from within an auditorium and out into the night.

HART: "Best... show... ever..."

FELICIA: "Seriously bro, 1000 Clowns is like... the BEST group EVER!"

The Phenom pauses, then strikes his 'gangsta gangsta' pose.

HART: "I know I'm not the greatest rapper in the world... But would ya, would ya, would ya please be my girl?"

FELICIA: "Okaaaaaaaay!"

Hilarity ensues. SJH and TEAM's resident Dancing Queen are thoroughly impressed with themselves.

FELICIA: "Yeah bro, like... you might not be the greatest rapper in the world, but your last lyrical masterpiece caused Beast to poop his little pants... LITERALLY!"

HART: "You bet'cher booty, nnnnnnnnndaddio! But what can I say? Sometimes I just have that effect on JACKHOLES like him."

FELICIA: "Oh? And what kind of jackhole is that?"

HART: "The overrated kind."

FELICIA: "Whoa... somebody jus' got messed up!"

HART: "F'n A, sis... F'n A."

Suddenly, Jon Katz Jr. appears on the scene, nudging his way between the Hart siblings.

KATZ: "Maaaaan, that thousand clown nonsense was WACK like a shemale's nut sack, ya heard?"

HART: "Oh yeah? And how would you know anything about shemale nut sacks?"

KATZ: "Cuz I dun seen ya mountin' up on your wo-MAN last night!"

FELICIA: "WHOA! Somebody just got messed u-"


Silence ensues. After an awkward beat, the Phenom breaks that silence.

HART: "The only person that's gonna be doing ANY messing up of other people's affairs is ME!!! Most notably, the affairs of one Heatchliffe S. BEAST the third! And I'm not just' talkin' 'bout the ring, OH NO... I'm gonna kick his c(FCC)ck-gobblin' ass PROMOTIONALLY too!"

KATZ: "Yea boyee! Hebrew nation in the hizzouse!"

HART: "Of course, it's usually not too hard to OWN somebody's ass when the only thing to come out of their last interview is a big, steaming, GREASY pile of sh(FCC)t, but if you know Beast like I do, you know that ALL his promos come out that way... like it's part of his game-plan or something..."

FELICIA: "No kidding?"

HART: "Oh yeah... this guy makes dishin' out sh(FCC)tty promos an ART FORM!"

SJH's eyes find the camera and, for a brief instant, he flashes an impish grin.

HART: "But THANKFULLY, after this week... the TEAM Invitational Tournament won't have to produce any more of those God-forsaken things again. Because in case you've forgotten, this is the ELITE 8, and at this stage of the game, only the CREAM of the crop can explode all over the TIT. Now, I may talk a bit too fast for some people, but if you're keeping score at home... that cream is ME, baby!"

FELICIA: "I like creeeeeeam..."

HART: "You sure do, sis... and I like kicking ass. Beast... yours is the next in line..."

KATZ: "Look out, kid!! This cat's mishuggenah!!!"

HART: "The Phenom has left the building..."


04-08-07, 11:34 PM
FADE IN: SJH stands before the camera with the TEAM logo hanging in the balance behind him. No false gimmicks, no false hype - all we see is a man... standing before and audience... asking it to love him... or something.

HART: "Let's cut the sh(FCC)t, shall we?"

Umm, scratch that last bit.

HART: "So it looks like my main man YEAST has decided to spend his time infecting vaginas instead of responding to the verbal onslaught I've unleashed upon him."

He looks to his right, then toward the ceiling in a manner most pensive.

HART: "So be it says I. Sure, some might call it cowardice. Others would say he's simply confused. Me? I know better. I know that each and every word homeboy utters is done so with purpose. Same goes for the words he chooses NOT to say. No matter how ya shake it, it's all part of some kind of sick gameplan he's hatched in order to take me out and TAKE this tournament..."

The Phenom stops momentarily so that the rest of us can fully grasp his insights.

HART: "Unfortunately for him, his gameplan sucks ASS!


HART: "Don't misunderstand me, when it's GO-time and I see his ugly mug staring at me from the other side of the ring, I'm gonna come with the WICKED like a b(FCC)tch on a broomstick! But if he, or ANYONE ELSE for that matter, thinks for one second that this jackhole has MY number, I've got an oceanside villa in Boise, Idaho you might be interested in."

As is his trademark, Hart cracks that impish grin that screams, "You just got told."

HART: "Let's call a spade a spade, shall we? Nobody in this business is hot like the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister is HOT! I've decimated and demoralized every single guy I've seen in this tournament, and now that we've reached the Elite 8... and the big prize is FINALLY in sight, you can bet your bottom dollar that Big Daddy Shawn here is gonna crank things up as many notches as it take to ensure that the same things happens from here on in."

The man's conviction is evident not only by his words, but by the bulging vein on his forward.

HART: "Despite his wanker status, I'll give Yeast his due. He's a good wrestler with a future every bit as bright as his past..."

Deep breath, BIG FINISH.

HART: "But at this stage, with Sweeeeeeet JESUS HART in your face... GOOD just ain't gonna cut it!"

He steps in real close to the camera.

HART: "The next T-I-T champion... has left the building..."