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View Full Version : BOSTON: Yori Yakamo, Jr. vs. Stone Zellor



TH
02-12-07, 08:34 AM
The chairman of MBE and NFW Eastern Conference semifinalist battles one half of NAPW's Midnight Cowboys.

First round matchup to be held at the Bryce Jordan Center in University Park, PA on Penn State U.'s campus. No RP limit, RP deadline is Sunday, February 18th at 11:59:59 PM (give or take a second).

StoneZellor
02-12-07, 01:47 PM
[The scene opens in the Zellor family apartment, because that's where Stone Zellor spends most of his free time. Nearby fans have been a teeny bit restless ever since The Midnight Cowboys caused The New And Improved D-X to split. Forever. Now how are they going to get to watch quality tag team wrestling? Anyhow, it's some time around late morning (I can't be any more specific, my watch is broken) and Stone is cooking some breakfast as his girlfriend, Rosie, is seated at the breakfast bar. Just sitting and drinking coffee]


Rosie:
What's for breakfast today, sweetums?


Stone:
Fried eggs and sausages - or as I call it - "The Smitty".


[Stone laughs, but Rosie doesn't get it. Heck, it's not even that funny. Transsexuals don't need to be mocked by the likes of Stone Zellor. However Rosie does indeed begin to laugh when she sees the kitchen utensil of choice]


Rosie:
What's that?


Stone:
This? This is a cast iron skillet from the YORI CAN COOK range.


[Complete with realistically phallic handles]


Stone:
And if I use my left hand, it feels like someone else is cooking my breakfast.


[He smiles]


Stone:
Come on, that's funny ain't it?


Rosie:
No, not really.


Stone:
Pfft, you find Dilbert funny.


Rosie:
Just because it's above you, doesn't mean it's not funny to the rest of us!


Stone:
It ain't funny. "Not really. Half of the time I'm in a different chair"


[Stone shrugs his shoulders]


Stone:
Give me good ol' jokes about transsexuals and masturbation any time ... Can I use the regular frying pan now? I think the joke's over.


Rosie:
No-one has a gun to your head.


Stone:
Damn right.


[Stone tosses the cast-iron skillet into the nearby sink, eggs and sausages in
tow]


Rosie:
No! You're not supposed to wash cast iron skillets!


[Stone looks bemused]


Rosie:
It ruins the anti-stick finish. You're just supposed to wipe them clean.


Stone:
Hell, I ain't using that skillet no more. It's freaky in an entirely bad way. If I wanted that sort of thing I'd hang out with Tommy Deathrow...


[Pause. And shudder]


Stone:
Urgh.


Rosie:
Which reminds me. I've bought you a present before your upcoming match in the TEAM tournament.


Stone:
Really?


Rosie:
Well it's more of a two part present.


[Rosie reaches down into the shopping bag that is conveniently near her feet. She pops back up with a small package in her hands, which is then handed to Stone. And like a child-from-a-loving-home on Christmas Day, he rips at the festive wrapping paper]


Rosie:
Sorry about the paper, it was all I could find.


Stone:
Sure...


[He finishes unwrapping the present to find ... Goggles. Yeah, Stone looks confused]


Rosie:
Open the second one too!


[She says as she reaches down once more. This time she sits back up with a square box in her hands. Stone is a little bit hesitant while opening this one. Oh joy]


Stone:
Goggles and a cup? What?


Rosie:
Believe me, sweetums, you'll need them. I hear this Yori Yakamo Jr. is ... Well he's...


Stone:
Making you think I need a cup and some goggles ... Seriously?


[And with that the scene comes to an end with the traditional fade to black]

Yori Yakamo jr
02-13-07, 02:19 PM
"Mr. Popeil, I just want to thank you for the opportunity to appear on your show."

"No problem, Yori, I'm a big fan. Hey, you don't know any hoboes, do you?"

"Only one, but he's Jesus."

"Hmmm, well I probably shouldn't kill Jesus and eat his gall bladder, though that would be a hell of a high, don't you think."

"Ron, can I call you Ron?"

"No."

"Well, I know a lot about highs, and nothing beats good old-fashioned qualludes."

INT. A SOUNDSTAGE NIGHT

Yori and "infomercial king Ron Popeil" stand on stage with YORIOLOGY aprons on, for some reason. They have been recently bickering.

PRODUCER: We're back in three...two....

SMITTY: Okay, Yori, that's enough.

YORI: What?

SMITTY: You're not fooling anyone, you can't just repeat the same spot you did for NFW?

YORI: Awwww, why not?

SMITTY: First of all, clearly, that is not actually Ron Popeil standing next to you. It's out of work eighties pop star Rick Springfield.

YORI: Don't forget devout Yoriologist.

RICK SPRINGFIELD: Yoriology saved my life. Before I was a tail-chasing boozehound, now I'm a tail-chasing boozehound with magical powers.

YORI: Like what, Rick Springfield.

RICK SPRINGFIELD: I have an army of gnomes that serve at my beck and call.

YORI: Awesome.

SMITTY: Come up with something new.

YORI: But Smitttttttttty, you know how busy I am, between running MBE and marching to Ultratitle Destiny, not to mention managing the third largest sex toy, XXX video, health food, Thai Hooker music label and cookware consortium on the planet. I don't even have time to do research on my first opponent in TEAM or come up with a witty new pornographic movie title for promotional purposes. Let alone find out if there are any special prison rules I have to abide by.

SMITTY: For the last time, you are wrestling at Penn State, not the State Pen.

YORI: Oh, are there criminals at Penn State?

SMITTY: Only on the football team, but there are a lot of drunken, slutty sorority girls.

YORI: TO THE YORIMOBILE!

EIGHTEEN HOURS LATER

YORI is doing a kegstand, somewhere in College Park.

YORI: This rocks Smitty.

SMITTY: You know, you are going to have to wrestle a match at some point.

YORI: A what in the what now?

SMITTY: Don't you remember, you are in the Team Invitational Tournament.

YORI: Hehehehehe Tit....

SMITTY: That wasn't funny the first seven times you made that joke on the plane. The eighth it was kind of amusing, but I had a lot of scotch by then.

YORI: Did the damn sex robot sign me up for another tournament?

SMITTY: Possibly. All I know is two weeks ago some sketchy looking dude showed up with a registered letter confirming your participation, #1 seed and first round match.

YORI: I already knew my seed was number one. And I can produce any number of women who would swear to it in court. Also, that I am not the father of their child.

SMITTY: Yeah, I liked the whole trumpets and fanfare for GTT6 better.

YORI: What'd you get this time.

SMITTY: Some dirty methhead with a kazoo.

YORI: That sounds like a Chapel production. Stupid sex robot. Where is he anyway?

SMITTY: Some of the engineering students are trying to saw off his head and turn it into a bong.

YORI: That shouldn't work. Should it? And if it should, WHY DIDN'T I DO THAT ALREADY?

SMITTY: You were going to, but you decided to turn him into a pasta maker that made dildos, instead.

YORI: Did that work?

SMITTY: No.

YORI: Cause it doesn't seem like it should.

SMITTY: That's what I tried to tell you, then.

YORI: So who am I wrestling?

SMITTY: One half of the NAPW tag team....

YORI: BORING! He can't stand against the might of the LIGHT OF YORIOLOGY.

SMITTY: He has a cup and goggles already.

YORI: SHOOT! We need a strategy meeting. Assemble the team.

NINE HOURS LATER

Yori, Smitty, Riki, ROBOYORI, Justin Evitable, Jesus Hobo, the lead trumpet player in the Thai Hooker Marching Band, former Boston Bruins goaltender Pete Peters, a mini luchador with a Rhemus Monkey, a red-headed stripper and El Tremendo sit around in the board room. Okay, so it's a really big booth at Denny's.

YORI: I'm glad you all could make it. El Tremendo and I were just discussing the best Journey single....any contributions.

SMITTY: Yori, we are supposed to be discussing strategy for your match.

PETE PETERS: KICK HIM IN THE NOOTS!

SMITTY: Yes, we know where you stand, Mr. Peters.

ROBOYORI: ROBOYORI WRESTLE NOW? ROBOYORI WRESTLE IN GTT6. ROBOYORI GET ONE STAR REVIEW FROM ATLANTIC MONTHLY.

YORI: The robot has a point. A cup and goggles won't do any good against a five hundred pound sex robot. And his name is Yori Yakamo jr, for both legal and tax purposes.

MINI LUCHA: I thought you were persona non grata in Pennsylvania.

YORI: That's Ohio. Georgia, Nevada, and Ohio.

SMITTY: And Kentucky.

YORI: I am only a 'person of interest' in Kentucky. Whatever that means.

EL T: I just want to say one more time..."Wheel in the Sky."

JUSTIN: Why is he even here?

YORI: Because El T and I are the World's Most Dangerous Wrestling Strategists for Reasons Other Than Actually Being Dangerous (TWMDWSFROTABD).

EL T: You could hit him with the dildos.

YORI: I COULD HIT HIM WITH THE DILDOS!

SMITTY: Does that actually ever work.

YORI: Ask Dan Ryan. He will tell you. The answer is sometimes.

SMITTY: Well, he figured out the whole goggles and a cup thing. I have to imagine he'll figure out about the dildos.

YORI: What about the dildo pasta maker.

SMITTY: It doesn't actually work yet.

YORI: Well, neither did the YOR-ABBIT, and that worked out great.

SMITTY: That is how we define great now. Getting chased around by ape bounty hunters in a post apocalyptic future.

YORI: That's a pretty good definition of great. Also, see YORI YAKAMO JR, THE CEREBRAL COCKSASSIN.

SMITTY: You may actually have to show some semblance of wrestling ability to win this tournament.

YORI: That doesn't seem right. Can we find some sort of witch to cast a spell on me to turn me into a great wrestler.

SMITTY: I think they prefer to be called Wiccans. But yes, it is a college campus, we should be able to find one or two. Just walk around until you hear someone playing Rasputina.

YORI: Good. Meeting adjourned.

SMITTY: Seriously, that is it? That's your plan? That doesn't even make sense.

YORI: Yori Yakamo jr is a man of destiny. Destiny doesn't always makes sense. Sometimes it makes negative sense. But it always equals sexwinyness.

SMITTY: Sexwinyness?

YORI: I think it is time....

SMITTY: Oh dear....

YORI: FOR THE MARCH OF DESTINY III: SEXWINYNESS AND QUALLUDES TOUR '07. Opening the show will be Frank Black. And then some sort of burlesque show. And then me, winning the Merrit Trophy. And it starts now...against some guy. What did you say his name was?

SMITTY: Does it matter?

YORI: That's okay, I have already forgotten it. You know, there is one more person I should consult with.

SMITTY: Well, the giant green rabbit is gonna have to be out of commission for a bit, we couldn't get any ludes through customs.

YORI: But how can we have the SEXWINYNESS AND QUALLUDES TOUR without any qualludes.

SMITTY: That is a connundrum.

YORI: One that can only be unlocked with qualludes.

SMITTY: You're in a bit of a bind then.

YORI: HIT THEM WITH THE DILDOS.

SMITTY: Uh....

YORI: That's what the Rabbit usually says. I was trying to get into the moment.

SMITTY: Anyway, I thought the plan was to find some Wiccan to cast a spell on you to turn you into the best wrestler ever.

YORI: Yeah, but you need to say it more emphatically, like Rabbit.

SMITTY: FIND SOME WICCAN TO CAST A SPELL ON YOU TO TURN YOU INTO THE BEST WRESTLER EVER!

YORI: Awesom...you know, I just wasn't feeling it, there.

SMITTY: I am not saying it again.

YORI: Darn.

StoneZellor
02-13-07, 02:47 PM
[The scene opens somewhere around Penn State University, where Stone Zellor has already arrived ahead of his match with Yori Yakamo Jr. this week. In his faux fur coat and jeans, he walks in a solitary manner seemingly aimless. Heck, it probably is aimless wandering. It's nearing dusk and he's in a strange city]

Stone:
"I don't know what I'm doing here, man. Not like, don't know why I'm on the Earth - I just don't get why I had to come to Pennsylvania. I mean the Kurtis brothers got to go to Hawaii. Adam Benjamin and Diamond got to go to L.A ... And here I am!"

"In University Park and looking at this freaky lion shrine."

[He says as the camera pans to surely reveal the lion shrine of University Park campus]

"One half of the NAPW Tag Team Champions and currently one of the most hated men in Alberta, Canada. Of course I can't take all the credit for that, my bro Clint helped out there. 'Cause it's not just anyone who can take out The New And Improved D-X ... No-one could at the last MCW event - but we got the job done. Like I say, ain't nothin' to it but to do it."

[Pause]

"Then I usually say somethin' like, ***** or biatch - but I'll save the 'pleasantries' for later. 'Cause right now I'm in the middle of the one of the biggest events in my short career. A newly crowned champion up there in NAPW and now I'm scheduled for my first TEAM tournament."

"But I ain't sweatin' nothin', man. Sure, Yori, your reputation precedes you - but I hope my name is travellin' in yo' circles too. I mean, I do have a claim to fame now. It ain't exactly like havin' a casino named after you in Las Vegas ... Or being the leader or Yoriology ... Or even being the man that Jason Payne knocked seven shades of crap outta. I admit, I'm not that man."

"Little Stone Zellor. Straight from Staten Island. I would say for your pleasure, but there'd be two things wrong with that statement. Firstly, it ain't gonna be pleasurable for you. Secondly, I don't want to find out about the Light of Yoriology! Ain't my scene, ya know? Ain't nothin' against you, Yori, you live like you wanna live. And if you choose to get your ass handed to you in that ring by the likes of Jason Payne or Michael Manson ... Hell, I know you beat Manson but, man, you got damn lucky. But if that's what you choose, then so be it. I ain't gonna argue with you. I'll just go my own way."

"To the land where weapons tend to be things like chairs, tables and the occasional inflatable-sheep-wrapped-in-barbed-wire ... But you know how things are. To the place where people don't think I'll need goggles and a cup for a wrestling match!"

"Even if that means being in Pennsylvania."

[Stone shudders as he looks around the campus. It's gotten dark suddenly so Stone walks over and rests against the lion shrine. It's coarse surface reminds him of back home and his 'stomping ground' outside of the local 7-Eleven store. Ah, happy times. Wait, no. Right now's a better time to be Stone Zellor]

"'Cause next week, Yori, we're steppin' into that ring in front of a possible sixteen thousand fans ... And, hell, that's a little intimidating. I ain't never wrestled in front of that many before, so right now I'm, well intimidated. I guess."

"But don't go worrying your dildo-headdress-wearing ... Head, about anything, Yori. I ain't gonna back down from this challenge. I ain't backin' down from anyone in this tournament - unless I come face-to-face with Lloyd Rees. Then I'm gone! But you. Yori ... Actually, can I ask you a question?"

"Is the All Nude Thai Hooker Marching Band available to play at my victory party after all this? I hear they've got an awesome trombone section."

[And with that the scene comes to an end with the traditional fade to black]

Yori Yakamo jr
02-15-07, 01:31 PM
"I don't know Stone, is your mother available to service me sexually after my triumphant victory?"

"Come on now Yori, don't be petty."

"He's gonna be so in for it when we find that witch to cast a spell on me to make me the greatest wrestler in the history of mankind."

"Can we try not to waste five hours playing D+D this time?"

"Hey, I just heard something about a dark elf mage and a spell of protection. I figured we had to be on the right track."

"Well you didn't exactly endear yourself by mistaking ever member of the troupe for Seymour Almasy."

"A totally understandable error."

EXT. PENN STATE UNIVERSITY- DAY

Yori and friends sit outside the student union, smoking some parliments with their campus tour guide, Reggie.

REGGIE: So you guys aren't seriously considering going to Penn State, are you? You just wanted me to give you a tour so you could find a Wiccan?

YORI: No speak English. From Japan. Want go college here.

SMITTY: I don't think you are fooling anyone, Yori. Especially when that throng of sorority girls wanted you to sign their breasts.

YORI: You know, this would have gona a lot quicker if every gay male on this campus didn't listen to Stevie Nicks.

SMITTY: Seriously, are you trying to get us lynched.

YORI: I'm just saying. I love the gays. They have been some of my most loyal customers. And Beau Michaels and I used to car pool to FZM for the first few weeks of Season Two. It seems like so long ago...

SMITTY: It was 2005.

YORI: So long ago...

REGGIE: I think there is a Vegan co-op on campus. You might be able to find a Wiccan there.

YORI: You're the best, Reggie.

REGGIE: So you really think if I offer to hang Madaline upside down and do her good with the Yori Yakamo Special (7"), then she'll go out with me?

YORI: Well, it's always worked for me. Of course, I am an incredibly successful business man, not to mention some sort of demigod with an incredibly long, tri-forked phallus. So there may be some things I can do that you can't. You might have to buy her dinner first.

REGGIE: Check. Hey. These aren't regular Parliments, are they?

YORI: There YORliments. The YOR stands for Opium.

REGGIE: Righteous.

SMITTY: Yori, the campus fuzz!

A couple of public safety officers approach.

YORI: Man, I hope these turn out to be male strippers. Or we're ****ed.

OFFICER 1: Afternoon, sir. You mind putting out that cigarette, we've had some complaints about people getting contact highs.

YORI: POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME...no, nothing doing....damn, not strippers.

OFFICER 2: We've also had some complaints from women that you signed their breasts without provocation.

YORI: It was a herd of women, I couldn't tell who wanted their breasts signed and who wanted to throw eggs at me for setting the women's movement back fifty years by indenturing a large number of Hookers from the Far East and training them as a musical act for my own enjoyment. So I just went with breast-signing for everybody. It usually works.

OFFICER 1: Sir, we're going to have to have a talk down at your office.

YORI: There isn't a stripper pole in that office I assume.

OFFICER 1: No, sir.

YORI: So you are definitely not male strippers dressed as cops.

OFFICER 2: No, sir.

YORI: SMITTY, RUN!!!!!!!

Forty-two minutes and one amusing chase sequence later.

YORI: This is the worst grocery store ever. Where's the meat.

SMITTY: Do you even know what vegan means.

YORI: Well, I got all the meat I need right here....in this sandwich.

SMITTY: Well that's...

YORI: AND IN MY PANTS!

SMITTY: Wonderful.

YORI: So you think they would let me use the PA.

SMITTY: Probably not.

YORI: So I just like dial *45.

SMITTY: That's what it...

YORI: ATTENTION SHOPPERS. MY NAME IS YORI YAKAMO JUNIOR. I WILL BE WRESTLING FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT IN THE TEAM INVITATIONAL TOURNAMENT. IF THERE ARE ANY WITCHES...

SMITTY: *Ahem*

YORI: IF THERE ARE ANY WICCANS, WOMEN OF THE EARTH, OR MAGICAL FAERIES SHOPPING HERE WHO CAN CAST A SPELL TO TURN ME INTO THE GREATEST WRESTLER EVER, PLEASE REPORT TO AISLE FIVE BY THE TABOO...TAHBU...HOW DO YOU SAY IT SMITTY?

SMITTY: Ta...TABOULI.

YORI: YEAH, THAT STUFF. THAT IS ALL. STAY SEXY. AND REMEMBER YORILOVE.COM NOW OFFERS AN ALL-NATURAL DILDO WITH NO ANIMAL PRODUCTS OR ANIMAL TESTING. PICK UP THE ME SOY HORNY DILDO (6.5") WHEREVER FINE DILDOS ARE SOLD, OR ON THE WEB AT YORILOVE.COM.

SMITTY: Beautiful.

YORI: And now we wait.

EIGHT MINUTES LATER.

YORI: Are you hear to turn me into the greatest wrestler ever?

SHOPPER: I'm here for the tabouli.

YORI: Everyone's here for the tabouli.

TWELVE MINUTES LATER

SHOPPER 2: Are you Yori Yakamo, jr.

YORI: That's the name tatooed on women's lower backs from here to Hong Kong.

SHOPPER 2: I may have a something that interests you. It's back in my dorm room.

YORI: Hot! Smitty, beat it and let me work my charm.

SMITTY: I think she's a Wiccan, Yori.

YORI: THE LIGHT OF YORIOLOGY DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE. All peoples may bask in its glow. Except for dudes. Unless they are undercover cops in pumps and a red dress and I have had a lot to drink, AND THERE IS NO WAY THAT WAS A MAN!

SMITTY: We know, Yori. But the larger point is I think she is here to cast a spell on you.

YORI: That works too. Is there going to be sex invovled.

SHOPPER 2: Absolutely not. I find you and everything you stand for completely abhorrent. But textbooks and organic oolong tea don't buy themselves.

YORI: THAT WORKS FOR ME. TO THE YORIMOBILE~!

SMITTY: I have a bad feeling about this.