View Full Version : [CD] The State of the Union

05-13-05, 11:12 PM
The scene is a stage somewhere in an auditorium, probably in Washington, DC. A podium is centerstage, with the Republican Party logo on it. Behind it is a frilly, red-white-and-blue curtain. From off-stage, the Phantom Republican, in his mask and a three-piece suit, struts out on stage with index cards up to the podium. He clears his throat and looks out towards his audience as they lightly clap for his appearance.

GOP: Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, colleagues and constituents. I come before you to deliver an address on the state of this union we call the New Era of Wrestling.

As you can see, we are in a lull period between cards, an abnormally long one. Being a student of politics, I am used to red tape and bureaucracy tying up the democratic and legislative processes, and thus am resigned to the fact that life is indeed life.

However, when I feel that these things are being tied up by outside and preventable forces, then I get angry.

And you all won't like me when I'm angry.

You see, the state of New Era before this tragic hiatus befell it was simple. I was, and still am, mind you, the Number One Contender to the New Era World Heavyweight Championship, a temporary title en route to the fulfillment of my mandate of being the Champion of all the continents.

However, there are forces so insidious that would keep the Republican Party from attaining its goal of World Domination, seeing that key leftist elements are still *****ing and whining that we will have four more years of a great GOP statesman as our Commander-in-Chief.

On first glance, the malevolent Communist forces of DREDD may seem to be the culprits, but I know in my heart that while their machinations include subverting the wholesome morality-based message of the Republican Party and of the Phantom Republican, their ultimate goal is Jean Rabesque. Besides, Communists know only revolution as their language of change. Marx and Doe are much too clever for stall tactics.

That only means Rabesque himself must be the culprit behind this heinous filibustering. After all, those who oppose the great leadership of the Grand Ol' Party in the Capitol use the same technique to block the will of the majority. Why should it change even though the man perpetrating this baseless war of sleep-inducing attrition is a foul Frog from north of the border?

Jean Rabesque, I suspected you would stoop to low levels in order to keep the World Heavyweight Champion around your waist illegitimately, but this takes the cake. Not only are you depriving the Republican Party of its stated goal, you are depriving the good, hard-working blue collar American his chance to see World Class wrestling.

And because of that, I must unilaterally declare war on you. While you hide in your network of caves, sending out your operatives to do your stall-inducing bidding, I am planning and plotting on flushing you out and dropping MOAB after MOAB on your sorry ass. You won't know what hit you.

And then after that, the great cleansing of New Era will begin. All of you degenerate wastes will fall into line with the Republican moral code once the era of your new Republican Champion takes his rightful place. Jonathan Marx, John Doe, you will change from a tone of anarchy to obedience to the conservative ideals that everyone should adhere to. Alistair Hayze, you will give up your hippie ideals fullstop and become indoctrinated, even if I have to send you to spend next month in intensive Republican education with The Warrior.

And of course, the biggest degenerate of them all... Madonna Wayne Gossard. Mr. Gossard, I fear you are too far beyond my realm of conservative recovery. You will have to be eradicated. You can no longer be able to indoctrinate our youth into believing that the bending of gender roles, homosexuality and promiscuous behavior are acceptable. A mind as warped as yours needs to be incinerated.

So, my conservative bastions in America, fear not. New Era will once again rise up and become the greatest force in professional wrestling. And when it does, I shall lead the charge to bring it into line with correct morality.

Thank you and have a good night.

The audience applauses as GOP bows and exits stage right. Fade to the NEW logo.