View Full Version : [CD] That's Entertainment

01-06-05, 08:14 AM
[FADE IN. A dark, dingy barroom, smoke filling the air as someone sings totally off key at a karaoke machine in the corner. Not the kind of place you’d expect to find a sentient member of the human race, much less a trained wrestler. But there he is, leaning on a barstool, a bottle of beer in one hand, a fag in the other. With the fag-holding hand he’s egging the singer on through a terrible country and western song. As it finishes the camera zooms in closer on the features of the self-professed most entertaining man the world of wrestling will ever know – Mr Entertainment]

ME: Bravo, bravo. [under his breath] daft beggar. [He looks over and sees the camera, smiling as he drains half the bottle] Ah, yer here. I was wonderin’ when you guys’d get here. Thought I’d give this rat-infested hell-hole a little bit a culture; ya know, some Entertainment. ‘Cos the way I see it, this putrid, decaying wreck of a bar is just like New ERA. It needs someone to kick it up the ass an’ get the people interested in it. ‘Cos if the people aren’t entertained, they ain’t gonna tune in again, and the whole shebang goes belly-up.

[He takes another swig of the bottle, downing the rest of it and throwing it at the karaoke machine. The glass shatters, showering the people seated nearby]

ME: Let’s take a look at a few facts, shall we? We got a TV title that’s spent more time gatherin’ dust ‘cos people have been stripped of it, or vacated it, or whatever the hell. Now, call me crazy, but ain’t a TV title supposed ta, you know, be defended on TV regularly? Keep the folks at home tuning in ta ya weekly shows? How do ya expect folks to give a damn about it when it’s kept from ‘em September ta December? Answer – they ain’t gonna give a f**k if they can’t see it. Some people’ll tell ya it’s the intrigue of not knowing what’s gonna happen next, but the folks at home are bein’ expected ta give time ta watch a belt gatherin’ dust. They’d have more fun watching paint dry. They could use the time using that paint to fill an ocean and have more fun.

In short, it ain’t Entertainment. And don’t get me started on the whole thing you’ve got goin’ with Rabesque and his Worlds title. It’s too easy. One word for ya - Snoozefest.

[Tapping on the bar behind him he shouts for another beer from the barkeeper. A frosty bottle is given to him, as he then stands, pushing the people at the karaoke machine out of the way. He tosses a quarter in the jukebox, and a few seconds later “That’s Entertainment” starts to play out]

ME: I look at the roster and ya know what I see? A bunch of people who between them might be able to put on a show half as good as me. A bunch of people who between them might be able to keep half the people entertained long enough so they don’t get bored when they’re boilin’ a kettle fer a coffee.

Look at the roster yerself. You’ve got twenty-one guys active. There’re more than tha’ on the inactive list. And outta them twenty-one guys, there ain’t a single one who can match the razzle dazzle, the skills, the sheer Entertainment value of the man yer lookin’ at. Cameron Cruise? The man has one catch-phrase. Sorry, Cammy, but that’s a reality check you just… won’t like. Johnny Doe? The name says it all, he’s about as entertainin’ as a crapper. Chaos causes nothin’ but headaches fer the fans you’ve got left.

An’ when’s the last time anyone really cared about the other guys? Johnny Marx, or Rabesque, or that weirdo MWG? I swear if that one keeps goin’ people’re gonna be weirded away from watching the shows.

I’m easily the most entertaining guy in the business today. You know it, and soon the long-suffering fans of New ERA are gonna know it too. I ain’t gonna be one ta spout on about savin’ the company on me own, because it’s too big a job even fer someone as entertainin’ as me. But maybe, just maybe, the increased viewing figures’ll be enough to get the rest of the roster ta buck up and actually try and be a teeny, tiny bit entertaining. An’ the first port of call for me? Whatever the office wants ta give me. Because it’s all about ME.

[he downs the entire bottle in under five seconds, smashing it on the wall behind him]

ME: Mr. Entertainment.

[Barging past the camera, he pushes two drunks out of his way. He tosses his fag down on the ground before passing through the door. FADE OUT]